"Hi, welcome to the Maury Show! I'm here today with Danny Tanner, Joey Gladstone, Yugi, and Spongebob. Can you tell us why you're here Danny?"
Danny shifted uncomfortably in his seat, sweating profusely. He took a deep breath, and spoke in a shaky voice.
"I'm here today to find put the father of my baby."
"And one of the men sitting here with us today is the father?"
Danny nodded, looking down. The crowd "OOOH"ed and booed at him. He held back hot tears.
"I am Joey Gladstone and I just want to say that I am NOT this baby's daddy! Danny is a filthy whore and I wouldn't doubt that even a member of the AUDIENCE COULD BE THIS BABY'S DADDY. you wanna know, this baby don't even look like me! The baby is ugly as shit and ain't no way it came from this beautiful body. Fuck you Maury!"
Yugi then stood up, and cleared his throat,"I am Yugi, and Joey Gladstone is a LYING FILTHY BITCH CUNT. HOW DARE YOU SPEAK SO LIGHTLY OF DANNY TANNER. I AM THE FATHER. I. AM. THE. FATHER." He began to attack Joey while Spongebob cried violently, screaming for him to stop. The crowd booed and Joey stood up, flipping off the audience.
"Hey. Hey! Stop it!" Maury yelled. A very large security guard came onto the stage and threw Yu Gi over his shoulder. Yu Gi was slightly turned on by the mans strength but wasn't not going to let that stop his temper tantrum.
"YOU CAN TAKE ME AWAY BUT THAT WON'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT I AM THE BABY'S FATHER!"
Danny sighed heavily, watching the love of his life being violently dragged out of the room.
Maury turned toward the monitor behind him. "Let's see what Danny had to say before the show."
Danny's face appeared on the screen. "I don't give a fucking shit about what anyone has to say. Me and Joey didn't fuck," Danny then put a hand on his hip, "and we have NEVER fucked. All i know is, Spongebob is a lying, jealous, bitch cunt that just wants to start shit with the Tanner family. And i'll let ALL of San Francisco know that. Me and Yugi are in love, and Spongebob's just a bitch with holes that haven't been getting filled."
The crowd booed as the screen faded. "Now Spongebob, why are you here today?"
"I KNOW Joey's been cheating on me with Danny, and I want justice served."
"That's NOT fucking true!" Joey screamed. He began violently shaking the sponge, the feeling of having ultimate control over his lover's life excited him.
"Hey! Stop it! Stop it!" Maury yelled. "LOOK at what you're doing! Is this how you treat someone you love?" He looked to the crowd. "Is it?" The audience clapped and whooped.
Joey threw the feeble sponge to the crowd and faced the audience. "You fuckers wouldn't know real love if it slapped you in the face!" The crowd booed, and Joey stuck his middle finger to the crowd. "That fucker Danny has been up my ass, not literally of course, ever since I dumped his sorry ass for spongebob over here. He knows what we got is too true. He's been trying to stop it since it began." Joey looked at the sponge, still on the ground. "You know I love you small and spongey. C'mere," Joey initiated an intense make out session with Spongebob while the crowd groaned.
"HEY STOP IT," Maury said, clearly disturbed by tonight's events.
Maury, still staring at the hot mess that was going on right in front of him, hardly noticed the boos coming from the audience. Yu Gi was walking back onto set, angry as hell.
"Hey fucker!" Joey looked up, now on top of Spongebob. "Yeah you! I heard you talking shit about Danny! I'll let you know that we are IN LOVE. And that he would do NOTHING to hurt me! This is all one big misunderstanding. Danny has slept with no other man, SO SHUT YOUR GODDAMN PIE HOLE GLADSTONE!"
Joey snorted. "If Danny had shut his holes we wouldn't be here right now"
"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?!" Yu Gi said, charging toward Joey, dead set on strangling the life out of this man.
"FUCK YOURSELF YUGI. STUFF ALL THOSE LAME ASS CARDS UP YOUR ASS FOR THE LACK OF DICK YOU'VE BEEN RECEIVING!" Joey shouted.
Yugi glared, and yelled, "CAN YOU GO TALK TO YOURSELF SOMEWHERE ELSE GLADSTONE, YOU AUTISTIC FUCK. SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING NOT TO LOSE BRAIN CELLS."
The crowd whooped. Joey ripped out Spongebob's tongue and whirled it around while strutting two middle fingers.
Maury stood up, clearly past his eyeballs in the bullshit that was happening before him. "IF YOU FUCKERS DONT KNOCK IT OFF SO WE CAN GET THIS GODDAMN SHOW GOING I AM GOING TO THROW ALL OF YOU SLUTS OUT OF THIS BUILDING" he immediately turned toward the camera guy "you fuckers in the editing room better not get this in the final cut!" He sat down and crossed his legs. "Okay, now lets continue please."
Yu Gi took a deep breath. "There's actually something I need to do." He stood in front of Danny, suddenly dropping to one knee. He took his hand. "Danny, we've been together for a long time and you're absolutely the most wonderful man I have ever had the pleasure of embracing-"
"GAY" yelled an audience member. Yu Gi swiveled and immediately threw a knife into the audience, stabbing said man in the shoulder. "AUGHHHH" he screamed.
"Anyways," Yu Gi said, returning his attention to Danny, who was now overcome with emotion and near tears. "I love you. And I want to be this baby's father no matter what. But most importantly, I want to be your husband. Will you marry me?" The crowd cooed, although some gagging noises were heard.
Danny was so overcome with emotions, he started sobbing and shaking his head yes. He dipped his head into a tearful kiss. Joey watched while eating Spongebob's skin.
Maury rubbed his temples, literally just what the fuck has conspired already. "Is the family ready to hear who's the father?"
Danny and Yugi gripped their hands tightly and nodded. Joey muttered a yes while chewing on the sponge, with disgusted gaps filling the audience. Maury cringed, he just didn't have it in him to stop that dude.
Maury opened the envelope, and looked at Joey. "Joey Gladstone, in the case of Yu Gi Jr, you are NOT the father!"
Joey jumped up, pumping his fists, accidentally punching and knocking Spongebob out. "I TOLD YOU FUCKERS! HA HA! IM OUT OF HERE!"He threw Spongebob over his shoulder and began to walk toward the exit.
Maury continued, exhausted. "Yu Gi whatever your last name is, in the case of Yu Gi Jr.. You are NOT the father" Yu Gi's mouth dropped,
Joey spun on his heels "Hold up."
Joey kicked Spongebob back to the ground, his small yellow body shaking from his incoherent sobbing.
"Then who the fuck fucked this grandpa?"
The crowd looked to each other in confusion, mumbling.
Maury adjusted his glasses, groaning. "The father of Yu Gi Jr, is, Steve Buscemi?" Even Maury was surprised, and he had already seen enough shit go down.
The crowd cheered and yelled as Steve Buscemi walked down the aisle from the audience, with that smile, adjusting his jacket.
Joey double back flipped out.
A few girls attempted to leap out of the audience into Buscemi's arms, but he was quick to avoid his screaming fangirls. He winked to the audience before putting his sunglasses on, sending a few girls into hysterics and one to the hospital.
"Oh Jesus Christ" Maury said under his breath.
Steve sat down on stage.
"I'm not surprised I'm the father, I've been told i have a potent seed" more screaming fangirls. Maury threw up in his mouth.
Yu Gi was holding back tears but was finding it hard, lower lip trembling he turned to Danny "How.. Why.." He broke down crying. "WAS I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?"
"I DIDNT MEAN TOO. IT WASNT ME. IT WAS HIM. I ONLY WANT YOU YUGI." Danny screamed, crying, sobbing.
Yugi turned his head 360 degrees around, to glare at Steve Buscemi. Steve was already making himself comfortable, flashing a smile at Maury, who looked like he was ready to burn down the nearest church.
"Is it true. You touched Danny."
Steve lit a cigar. "Boy, i did more then TOUCH. You know what I mean?" He looked at the audience, which began clapping and laughing.
Yugi used every last bit of energy to stay calm. "What. happened."
Steve rubbed his neckbeard in thought. "Hit the lights Juan, let's play the Tanner security camera footage."
Danny gulped "Can we.. Can we not show that footage, oh christ, please."
Steve took a drag. "Yeah I suppose it probably doesn't have me in the best light, plus you can't really see anyone faces in it the way we had the cameras angled."
Maury puked.
"WILL SOMEONE JUST TELL WHAT'S GOING ON FOR CHRIST SAKES" Yu Gi yelled.
"Alright. Well. I was walking down the local burger place.." Danny started. "It was like 1 am and I was really craving a burger, you know?" The audience nodded. "Anyways, I get there and I'm about to go in and I realize I didn't bring any money! So I sat on the curb and I just began to cry because man, I was so fucking hungry."
Maury groaned "To the point please."
Danny nodded "Alright well Steve here was walking down the street and he saw me crying and he said 'Hey Tanner! Why you crying?' And I told him. And he said that he'd buy me a burger if.. If.." Danny broke into tears "If he could have his way with me!"
The audience gasped. Steve shrugged. Maury puked again.
"so of COURSE I accepted, I was hungry! But just then Gary Busey steps out of the shadows and says he'll make it a double bacon burger if he can join!" Danny violently sobs into his hands. "The bacon wasn't even worth it." he says between gasps.
Maury began looping a rope, as Yu Gi blinked back tears.
"What..Danny, honey, i was making hamburgers for dinner that night.."
The crowd "oooohed" and cringed.
Danny looked up, shocked, and regret sank in. Steve took a picture of Danny and posted it on twitter, calling him a gay baby. He snickered to himself while Maury began wrapping the rope around a hook on the cieling of the wall. Yu Gi took a knife, and stabbed himself 37 times till he dropped. He touched Danny's face, closing his eyes, resting with a broken and battered heart.
Danny looked around him. Yu Gi was lying dead on the ground, Maury was hanging from the rafters, and Spongebob was still lying unconscious in the aisle. The whole audience was in shock, some were even crying.
Steve lit another cigar and pulled out his skate board. "Later losers," he said, skateboarding the fuck out of there.
Just then Joey came into the building. "Danny" he said, sensually. Danny tried to hold back his tears of joy. "It worked!" He said, his voice cracking.
"They believed it all. They believed it was Steve's baby, look! Yu Gi and Maury killed themselves!" Danny chuckled to himself.
Joey came up and held him in a sweet embrace "Now we can be together forever. You, me, and our baby."
So Danny then killed the whole audience, thus making a mark in history as the Maury Show Massacre. He gave birth to a two headed centipede named Janny Gladstone, and they are currently wanted criminals for cannibalism.