Steve woke around his usual time, burying his face into the pillow before coming to the realization that he was most certainly not in his bedroom. The previous night's events flooded into his mind, and he lifted his head to get a good look at Tony. Sighing softly, he got up from the bed and left the room.
Tony woke up to an empty bed, the sheets on the other side pulled up neatly. What had hap-OH. SHIT. The events of the night before hit him hard-he realized that he was thoroughly screwed. You're such an idiot... he thought to himself, he hadn't wanted Steve to find out about this. After battling over the best way to deal with the current situation, he decided to just get up and face it. He slipped out of bed and stretched, padding down the stairs quietly as to not draw attention to himself. He was about to barge into the kitchen when he heard voices and he settled against the wall to listen.
Steve had meant to keep his word to Tony, really he had, but when he found himself in the presence of Miss Potts, all of that plan went straight to hell. He hadn't meant to give details, and he certainly hadn't meant to be specific, but he found himself spilling everything to her before he'd realized what he was doing. "I'm just really worried about him," he said quietly.
Tony had listened to most of the conversation as Steve detailed everything that had happened the night before. Tony's stomach twisted, feeling instantly betrayed. He went to tiptoe across the opening of the kitchen to get to the lab, hoping they wouldn't see him. But once he stepped out, the floor immediately creaked, damn it floor, and both turned to stare at him.
Hearing the creak in the floor, Steve's heart dropped into his stomach. He should have known better than to speak up, and part of him regretted it, but he knew that Tony needed whatever support he could get. If anyone else should know, it should be Pepper. He excused himself quickly and followed the sound to find Tony standing there. Guilt quickly took over his emotions when he saw the look on his face, and he rose quickly, already preparing his apology.
Tony turned to run when he heard feet coming towards him, but Steve grabbed his bandaged wrist. Tony winced and shied away, muttering a leave me alone, turning his face away, but not taking his arm out of Steve's grip. Pepper had followed Steve out into the hall way and stared at Tony with fear in her eyes. Tony met her gaze but looked down quickly, hating that he had put that fear there.
"Tony, I know I screwed up. I know. But she deserves to know. She's one of your closest friends, Tony." Steve frowned, stepping closer. "If the situation were reversed, wouldn't you have wanted to know?"
"BUT IT'S NOT REVERSED. THIS IS MY THING TO DEAL WITH, AND I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY ANYTHING STEVE. I trusted you. I-shit. Just. Fine. She knows now. Hooray. I'm gonna go now..." He turns to leave, giving Pepper a nod before turning and trying to get away, but Steve tightens his grip.
"This isn't something you can hide under a pile of work, Tony! Please, give this a chance, won't you? We want to help, Tony. I know this feels like a personal attack, but it's nowhere near that. Please try to understand." Steve turned Tony to face them, looking more upset than he'd meant to.
"I-I'm sorry. I'm not used to people knowing. I know I need to trust you guys, just. Give me some time okay? This is new. Having other people. I can't even-I don't know okay." He hangs his head, a few angry tears escaping against his will. "I don't know what to do anymore," he whispered, leaning into Steve's embrace.
"I understand," he said softly, pulling Tony in close. "I know it's going to take some time. But you have to try as much as we do, okay? I can see how this would be uncomfortable for you, but it's not exactly peachy on this side, either. We've all got things to work on. Give us a shot, and we'll do the same for you."
Tony nodded into Steve's shoulder, feeling completely humiliated. "I'll t-try" he whispered, sniffing loudly.
` Steve gave Pepper a concerned look before turning his attention back to Tony. He sighed quietly and placed a light kiss on the top of his head. "We all will."
Tony nodded and held Steve tightly, before feeling himself being picked up and brought to lay on Steve's lap on the couch. Steve pet Tony's hair as he calmed down, and Pepper sat across from them, watching silently.
Steve continued stroking Tony's hair. He felt absolutely horrible for making this happen, but he was glad that Pepper knew. He lifted his eyes and met her gaze, then shrugged gently and looked back down to Tony. "I really am sorry," he mumbled, shifting a bit to clear Tony's face of tears. "I should have talked to you about it before I brought it up with her. I didn't mean to betray your trust. I swear to you that it will never happen again without your consent."
Tony nodded, wiping his face. "This is ridiculous" he sputtered, sitting up and sniffing. "Can't you just leave me alone? I'm fine. I've been fine. Everything is okay so just LET ME HANDLE IT, ALRIGHT? Get off my back." He turned and stalked away towards the lab to get his mind off things. Somewhat unconsciously, he headed straight towards his drawer where he keeps his razors. He was like a machine, picking up the sharp edge and letting it gleam in the light, before his senses kicked in. The razor dropped to the floor with a clatter, and he pitched forward, tears threatening again. Maybe he really did need help. He sat behind his desk on the floor, passing the razor back and forth between his hands until he heard a soft knock at the door. "Come in," he said quietly, though they must have heard him, because whoever it was came in and headed toward his voice.
After a short talk with Pepper, Steve rose from the couch and made his way to the lab. He knocked out of courtesy, but was prepared to enter, whether given permission or not. He was grateful to hear Tony's voice allowing him to join him and entered at a casual pace. Following Tony's voice, he found him behind the same desk where he'd seen him the night before, and instinct took over as he scanned Tony's arms. His eyes fell on the razor, but when he saw no new marks, he sighed softly and sat across from Tony on the floor. "If there's anything you want to say, please go ahead. I know you're mad at me, and with good reason. I won't shut you down." Steve folded his hands in his lap and tilted his head a bit, watching Tony.
Tony sighed, not meeting Steve's eyes. "I'm not mad at you," He admitted, still playing with the razor but making no move to use it. "This is just all happening so fast. It's-it's scaring me. And I realize that it's right to let people help me. But I-ugh. I'm not good at this stuff. I like being alone. Nobody can let you down if you aren't expecting anything from them." Tony looks up then, meeting Steve's eyes, and handing him the razor. "You should probably take this." He then stands and pulls open a drawer in his desk. "And these" he gestures to the plethora of razors he had stored in there. Steve looked appalled to see them, but obliged, opting to just take out the entire drawer, leaving a gaping hole in the desk. "That's all of them. I promise" Tony whispered. "I should talk to Pepper..." He states, looking up to Steve as if asking for support. "Did she cry?" he whispers, asking Steve the question to which he feared the answer.
Steve stared at the drawer for a solid thirty seconds before he let out a slow breath, turning to look at Tony. "Thank you. You didn't have to do that, so really, thank you. That's very brave of you." He cradled the drawer against his hip, planning to dispose of its contents the next chance he got. Tony's question caught him off-guard though, and he frowned at the expression he was receiving from him. Of course he'd be worried about Pepper. That's why he hadn't told her. He sighed softly and nodded briefly, maintaining eye contact with Tony. "But understand that it's not your fault, Tony. She's not upset with you. She's just worried about you. I'd definitely suggest having a talk with her, though. Let her know what's been going on from your side. All she knows is what I know, which certainly wouldn't be keeping her very calm."
Tony nodded, getting up from the ground. "Yeah. I guess-I guess you're right. I hate hurting her. So much."
Steve nodded appreciatively. Though he'd never been in this exact position, he knew all about the feeling of not meeting the expectations of the people that mattered most. "Pepper is a strong girl. She's capable of handling information like that very well. All she needs right now is a good word that you're putting something into this, too. She'll be okay."
Tony sighed, going towards the door. "Will you come with me? I don't-I don't know how I can fix this. I don't know what to say to her." Tony turned to face Steve again, "Please help me," he whispered.
"Of course," he replied, taking a step toward Tony. He brushed his hand through Tony's hair and gave him a hint of a smile. "Don't be nervous. She's heard worse out of you." Steve then turned and adjusted the drawer on his hip before heading toward the door. "Oh, did you want me to get rid of this before we went to her?"
"Um." Tony thought for a moment. Of course he didn't want Pepper to see any of this side of him, but maybe if she saw he was letting Steve take all his 'tools', she would see that he really was making an effort. "Maybe-maybe she should see. So she knows I'm trying." Tony looked up at Steve nervously. He felt like he was going to puke from nerves.
Steve watched him for a minute before nodding. The look on Tony's face was upsetting, to say in the least. Steve wasn't used to Tony looking so fragile, and it made him nervous as well. "That's a good idea. And do you want me to leave you two alone, or do you want me to stick around?" he asked.
Tony sighed audibly, trying to decide what he actually could handle. "Ugh. Do I-do I really have to do this? Maybe, we can talk about it later. You know, let it settle in. Right? Yeah. I'm gonna do some work and you can go and-uh..." he gestured to the drawer, then towards the door. "Right. See you later then." Tony turned away, trying to avoid Steve and his knowing stare. He couldn't do this. He couldn't talk to Pepper about it. He just couldn't.
"Tony," Steve warned, giving him a look. "You've got to talk to her, whether you want to or not. Avoiding it will not make it any easier. You know that it won't. And she deserves to know that you're okay, don't you think? She's worried, Tony. I'm not trying to guilt you into this, but you need to understand the reality of the situation. She's upset, and she's concerned, and more than anything, she really just needs to talk to you. So please? She's trusted me with you, and I'm trusting you to do the right thing, here. I know you can do it. Just talk to her."
"I-but, I just. Steve. I think if I try to talk to her-I, it's so hard. Talking to anyone. I want to, but...I don't think..." Tony stuttered along, trying to think of a decent excuse as to why he couldn't talk to Pepper and coming up blank. So he ended up just throwing out words hoping Steve would buy it. Which of course-he didn't. "Don't give me that look, Steve Rogers. Pepper's just-I can't...I-" Tony was cut off abruptly as Pepper entered the lab, taking in the sight of the two men squabbling and the drawer full of razors balanced on Steve's hip.
"What am I?" She asked, looking Tony's way fiercely, though her expression softened when she saw the distress he was in. "Let's sit." She gestured to the couch near the wall, steering Tony towards it. Steve quietly excused himself, to which Tony threw him a somewhat frantic look. Tony plopped himself down onto the couch, as Pepper dragged over the armchair and sat across from her friend. Tony was looking anywhere but her eyes. "Tony, look at me." He obliged, his eyes so vulnerable it broke her heart. "Talk to me. Tell me what happened," she asked gently, reaching her hand up to rub his cheek lightly.
Tony sighed, he missed the feel of Pepper there with him. He shut his eyes against her touch, trying to keep his emotions in check. He couldn't lose it-not here, not now, not with Pepper. He'd put her through enough. She shouldn't have to deal with a mental breakdown. He cracked open his eyes to meet hers, and he knew he could trust her-that she just wanted to help him. "I-I'm a fuck up," he whispered, his voice cracking a bit at the last word.
Pepper's heart nearly shattered as the words left his lips. She watched him sadly, but shook her head immediately. "No, no, no, don't you ever for one second think something like that." She'd seen Tony down plenty of times, but this took the cake. She could barely stand seeing him so open and broken. "Sweetie, what's going on? Please tell me."
"I'm completely out of control," Tony whispered again, not daring to pitch his voice any higher for fear of his already prominent voice cracks. "I can't even deal with my emotions. I don't know what to do. So I hurt myself. The pain makes things clearer, puts me back in control. I can't think without it." Tony looked down to his arms. He'd slipped on a long sleeve shirt before coming downstairs, not planning on having Pepper know that any of this was going on. He realized he had been gripping his left wrist, digging his fingers in until it stung. Pepper gently took his hand, rolling up the sleeve to reveal old and new wounds alike. Tony couldn't look at her, at her steadily falling tears. "I'm sorry," he whispered to the floor. "I'm crazy."
"Oh, Tony," she breathed, sniffing quietly as she looked his arm over. It took her a moment before she could continue. She tilted his chin up to look at her, face soft but serious. "You're not crazy, Tony, I would know by now. This doesn't look like crazy to me." Pepper did her best to blink back her tears, but they continued, despite her efforts. "I'm scared," she admitted. "You're all I have left, you know. Don't let me lose you, too."
Tony looked away from her then, grasping at his arm tightly. "I-I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so lost." Tony looks up into her eyes, his own betraying his emotions as a few tears roll "I hate hurting you," he whispered, hating himself-hating the world. "It kills me, Pepper, it really does. Being the reason you're like-like this," he waved his arms in front of her, trying to display her emotions. "Sometimes..." He looks away again, not bearing to see her face when he continued, "sometimes I think everyone would be better off if I were dead." Everything is silent for a moment, just the sound of their breathing, before he adds, "A lot of the time. All the time. All the time I think that."
Pepper tried her best to press back whatever emotion she could. She wasn't fond of getting emotional to begin with, but Tony's words made her want to suppress it more to prevent him from being more upset. She buried her face in her hands for a moment, wishing that this wasn't happening. She hated herself for knowing Tony as long as she had and never realizing there was something going on. Taking a deep breath, Pepper lifted her face from her hands and watched Tony with heartbroken eyes. "I wish that wasn't the case," she began quietly. "Oh, Tony. Why have you never talked to me before? I...I'm sure there's something I could have done, something I could have said, I... Oh, Tony."
"No, it's not your fault. Not at all. It's my own stupid fault, Pepper." Tony reached up to wipe the tears from his face, but more just came in their place. "I'm sorry you found out this way. I didn't even want you to know. I-I didn't want you to have to deal with me. I'm such a pain in the ass. And I'm sorry." Tony took in a shaky breath, then continued, quieter. "I thought maybe if I didn't tell anyone, then it would go away, and I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. But it didn't go away. It got worse. And then I was in too deep and I couldn't say anything." Tony took Pepper's hand then, squeezing it tight and bringing it up to his wet face. "I'm so scared, Pepper," he whispered, hot tears falling onto the back of her palm.
Twisting her hand, Pepper cupped her fingers against Tony's cheek and stroked it with her thumb. "You really should have come to me, Tony. Or at least told someone. Now may not be the best time for patronizing, but you should have taken care of this before it spiraled out of control." She frowned, taking another look at his arm before looking back up to his face. "Has this been happening for a long time? God, I should have been able to see that something was wrong. I shouldn't have missed something like this. Tony, I am so sorry, you have...you have no idea. I'm so sorry I never noticed. I'm so sorry," she repeated, shaking her head and letting her eyes slip shut.
"It's not your fault," he whispered again. "I thought I could handle it alone. I didn't want to worry anyone. I'm sorry." Tony met her eyes, revealing all his emotions in that one glance. "What do we do now?" he asked her quietly.
Pepper sighed, resting her hand on his shoulder. "We should get you some proper help. Don't take offense to that, you know what I mean. Steve and I can be supportive, but we can't do it alone. We're not experienced, and try as we might, we aren't always going to know what's best for you. Of course, this is entirely your choice, Tony. I'd like you to see someone about this, because I think it could really help you, but if you're uncomfortable with the idea, I'll also understand."
Tony sighed. He hated doctors, especially when it had to do with his mental health. But he also knew that the situation was getting dire, and that he should listen to Pepper - she was usually right. "Doctors scare me," he admitted, figuring being honest would be the best way to go. "I don't know how well talking to one would help me."
"I know," she said quietly, "But this could really help you. And you know I'm right, so don't argue. Please just try? Go one time. I'll even let you choose the doctor."
"Pepperrrrrrr," Tony whined, but he knew she was correct. "I don't even know how to pick doctors. What if they're mean? What if I don't like them?" Tony looked up to her with pleading eyes, but she just stared back with that look that said don't fuck with me today, Tony Stark. "Fine," he gave in, shoulders slumping and breath coming out in a whoosh. "I'll go. ONE TIME." He looked up and met her eyes. "Why don't you pick?" Tony decided, then if he didn't like them, he could blame her.
"One time is what we've agreed on, yes," she nodded. "And I know you, Tony, so don't you complain to me if you don't like them, because you had the option to choose for yourself, and you gave that choice to me." Sighing softly, she folded her hands and looked him over. "Thank you. For giving this a chance. I really think it could help. You might even want to go again."
"Psssh. Right," Tony scoffed. "I've been to therapists before. I NEVER want to go back." He looked down at his wrists though, knowing that he really did need help. "This is the only thing left to do though. I'm out of ideas," he whispered. He couldn't find any way to stop himself from this destructive coping mechanism. "I'll try it. If you and Steve come with me." Tony tried to hide his blush. "I hate going to the doctor".
"You won't know until you've given it a chance, so don't close your mind off from it just yet. You know I'd be there in a heartbeat, and Steve? I can tell he cares about you, Tony. Maybe more than you realize. I have no doubt in my mind that he'd be there without you even having to ask. Now come here," she finished, pulling him into a hug. "We really are here for you. I'll say that now, and I'll say that as often as I have to."
"I know," he whispered, sniffing into her shoulder. "Thank you."
"Do you want me to show you who I pick before I schedule you? Or do you just want me to go ahead and let you know when we've got to be there?" she asked, squeezing his shoulder and pulling back.
"Just tell me when, or I'll be worrying about it for days," he admitted, not looking in her eyes. "Thanks for doing this," he whispered.
"Alright. And Tony, you know I'd do anything for you. Really, I would. You don't have to keep thanking me. Just give it an honest shot. Don't play around with this. And please, for the love of God, don't give them sarcastic answers, because that won't help at all." She smiled a little looking down. "But thank you for letting us help. I really do want you to be okay."
Tony smirked, trying to lighten the mood. "I'll do my best." Tony looked down then, face becoming solemn. "I want to be okay, too."
"You will be," she promised, giving him a serious look. "We'll make sure of that. So no more worrying, okay? We're all going to take care of this together."
"Okay," he whispered, meeting her eyes finally.
"So hey," she began, small smile returning. "What's all of this with you and Steve, then? Why was I told nothing about this, either? Really, Tony, you can't keep information like that from me. You know I'll find out the petty things very quickly."
Tony blushed all the way up to his ears. "There's...no. No there isn't anything going on, don't give me that look! We are just friends. I don't think Steve is like that anyway..." Tony mumbled, secretly wishing him and Steve were trying something.
"Oh, so the little kisses on the head, and his hands in your hair, and him cradling you against that big, buff, American-washboard were all just him being concerned, then, I see. Just checking." Pepper arched a brow and folded her arms.
"Oh stop it you. I don't know what it is. I can't ask him about it. I don't want to ruin our friendship...ugh. I just don't know okay? What am I supposed to do about it?"
"Well, you're certainly more friendly with him than you realize, that's for sure. Don't think I wasn't watching you two earlier. He's watching over you like a puppy. I think you two are already more than you think you are." She laughed softly, shaking her head. "Just see what happens."
"AM NOT," Tony pouted, not liking the way Pepper was describing him. "Whatever. Captain America is not gay. No way." Tony secretly wished he was though. Pepper was the only one who really knew he was bisexual, and teased him about when she could tell that a man had caught his eye.
"Oh, don't get so rustled. Have you considered that maybe he is? Have you asked him at all? You can't just assume someone's sexuality, Tony." She shrugged, backing off. "Do as you will, know that I support you. Oh, but goodness, Captain America though? At least you have good taste."
Tony blushed even deeper, hiding his face in his hands. "He is too good for me, anyway," he said, shaking his head. "Do you think he's gay?" Tony was generally pretty good at seeing these things. His heart jumped at the possibility. He snorted at her last comment, trying to hide the way he blushed even deeper at the thought of how good the captain looked. "He is nice looking, I'll give you that," he admitted, trying to hold back the much stronger words on the tip of his tongue that would reveal that he thought Steve was much more than nice looking.
"Look, from what I saw this morning, you two looked perfectly peachy together. And in case you haven't noticed, half of the country wants in his pants. He's kind enough to politely decline these offers, but they're there, nonetheless. So unless you plan on watching him get cozy with someone else, I'd suggest you at least inquire." Pepper fully smiled at his modest description of Steve. "Nice looking? Really? Come on, Tony."
Tony looked up, completely mortified. "But what if he isn't? He doesn't even know I'm-uh, into that. I'll just look like a complete fool. He wouldn't want me anyway," Tony said softly.
"Then he'll be gracious and polite as always. It's Steve." She tilted her head, still smiling. "And again, how would you know? Unless you've had a direct conversation with Steve about what he does and does not like, you're as clueless as the rest of us."
"Pepper, you don't get it. Steve is important. He's different than the rest. I don't, I can't mess this up."
Pepper sighed softly, folding her hands in her lap. "Then you'll just have to play the cards like everyone else on the planet. Steve's still got the old fashioned mindset, so hitting on him like you do with everyone else won't work in your favor. If you really want it, you're going to have to work for it."
Tony sighed, rubbing his face with his palm. "I know. God, I know. I should really just talk to him."
"That would be the optimal choice," she agreed, nodding once.
"But what do I say?" he whined. He hated dealing with emotions. He'd dealt with enough for one day.
"The same things that people usually say. Just tell him how you feel, Tony," she explained. The sound of footsteps behind her silenced her instantly.
"Tell who how you feel?" Steve asked, walking in and looking between the two. "Is everything alright?"
"Um. Yep. Everything's great, Cap, now that you're here. Well, Pepper, it was a nice chat we had. I'll see you later, I should get back to work you guys, okay, so yeah, I'll be up in a bit to eat . Cool, then, bye," he said too fast, pushing them towards the door, but neither of them budged. He laughed a bit too forcibly, "What?"
Steve's brow furrowed as he watched Tony carefully. "You seemed okay when I walked in," he commented. "I'm not making this difficult, am I? Because I can go, it's not a problem at all. I just wanted to check in. I can go back upstairs, if you need me to."
"No-no stay," Tony said, putting a hand on Steve's arm, then jumping back like he'd been burned.
Pepper looked at them both, then gave Tony a sneaky look before smiling. "I have some things to look into. Steve, thank you very much for your help. I'll leave you two to it." She gave Tony a sly smirk before slipping out and quickly heading upstairs.
Steve smiled at Pepper and nodded as she left, then turned back to Tony. "Are you sure? I don't mind, really."
"No. It's fine. I like hanging out with you anyway." Tony winced at how needy it sounded.
"Well, alright, then," he replied, moving farther into the room. "So, I'm assuming the talk with Pepper went well? She seemed happy when she left."
"Yeah. It was-it was good." He thought back to what she had said about Steve and just going for it. "Had any 'friends' you looking at lately?" Tony asked suggestively, raising an eyebrow.
"I'm glad," he smiled, turning to face him. "And...Well, of course? I see you all every day, and I assume we're all friends..."
Tony rolled his eyes at Steve's innocence. "I mean do you have your eye on anyone?"
Steve gave him a confused look before he pieced everything together. "Oh, you mean...oh. Oh! Well...not exactly? I haven't really taken the time to look around. I've been kept busy since everything happened, so there hasn't really been a free moment. Do you? Have a fancy for someone?"
Tony blushed, dropping his head in hopes that Steve wouldn't see him blush so deeply. "Um. Not exactly. I don't-uh. Not sure they're interested. They're too good for me anyway"
"Too good for Tony Stark?" he asked, laughing. "Never thought I'd hear that one. Well, despite the fact that I'm going to sound like a genuine old man, back in my day, if you had someone of interest, you let them know. Of course you had to look like a million bucks and have a perfect voice, but hey, who's keeping track? The movies I grew up with are pretty good representations of how things were. Seems like things have gotten...a whole lot less complex since then," he chuckled, crossing his arms.
Tony considered that for a second, weighing the odds of what would happen if he told Steve right now. "I'm bisexual," he blurted out, and wincing when he heard it.
Steve's eyebrows flew up, and he looked Tony over before smiling. "Are you trying to tell me something, Stark? Because I may be a little dense to turn of phrase, but I can put two and two together."
"No-no I..." Tony rubbed the back of his neck, panicking. "I just feel like now that you know stuff, I should tell you everything."
Steve chuckled again and took a seat. "Alright, if you say so."
Tony laughed nervously along. "Yeah. Why? Are you?" Tony tried to ask innocently and failing.
"Am I what?" he asked, turning his gaze back to Tony before laughing. "Are you always this cryptic?"
Tony blushed deeply this time. He was screwed. "I mean, have you ever felt anything, for um. A guy?"
Steve flushed a bit at the question but shrugged. "I guess, yeah. Nothing serious has ever come of it, but...well, yeah. Yes."
"WHO?" Tony asked too quickly, then bit back. "Sorry. You don't have to answer that. I'm just curious"
He scratched the back of his neck, blushing deeper. "I- eh, well. No, uh, it's okay. Bucky. Kind of. Not enough that I would have said or done anything, but...yeah." Steve took a deep breath and turned his gaze to anything but Tony, unsure of what his reaction would be.
"He sounded like a good friend. Don't see how he could have said no to you." Tony looked horrified that this had left his mouth, but he didn't run away, not this time.
Steve lifted his gaze to meet Tony's eyes, giving him a curious look. "So you're sure this is all just talk, then?"
Tony didn't answer his question, just stared into his eyes, stepping towards him. "Why? Would it change anything if it weren't?" Tony asked innocently, a devious smile on his face.
"Potentially," he replied, watching him as he came closer. "I guess it would really depend on how serious it was."
"Well, that would depend on how serious you are," Tony said, getting a bit nervous. Was Steve just playing with him or what?
Steve rose from his seat, keeping his eyes on Tony as he walked up to him. "At the moment, I'm about as serious as can be. So what about you?"
"Same," Tony whispered, feeling like he might fall over. This was too much, too good, he waited for the other shoe to drop. He decided he should sit before he fainted, opting to fall back into the couch, and Steve joined him, taking hold of his hand and squeezing it lightly. Tony squeezed back, smiling.
"So what exactly does this mean?" he asked, looking to their hands. "All of this?"
"Whatever we want it to mean, I guess," Tony said quietly, not moving.
Steve hummed, tilting his head back. "I'm okay with that, if you are." He smiled, glancing in Tony's direction. "But you really could have just said something."
"I just did," Tony said. When Steve gave him a look like da fuck ,Tony rolled his eyes. "I'm not very good at emotional stuff. You know that."
Steve grinned, squeezing his hand once more. "I suppose I do. I like that though. It gives you character."
"Thanks," Tony whispered, leaning his head against Steve's shoulder and cuddling in. "I agreed to go to the doctor," he whispered again, keeping his face in the crook of Steve's neck.
Tilting his head out of the way, Steve loosened his hand from Tony's and draped his arm around him. "Really? That's wonderful. Really, that's very good, thank you. How do you feel about that?"
Tony sighed. "Worried," he admitted quietly against Steve's chest.
"Don't be," he advised. "They're specialized in what they do, so they'll be able to help you. And if they didn't want to, they wouldn't have chosen that as a job. You'll be in good hands. And I'll go too, if you want."
"Really?" Tony asked lightly, feeling less nervous already. "Pepper's scheduling it. I don't know when it will be."
Steve smiled and nodded. "Of course. And if she's the one setting it up, she'll be sure to find someone fitting. You know Pepper wouldn't just set you up with a wacky."
"I know...I just. I don't know. Doctors scare me."
"Well, from personal experience, doctors saved my life. I know that sounds a little dramatic, but it's true. I was a pretty sickly kid, yadda yadda, sob story, but they were certainly helpful, then. And doctors came into play with the serum, too. Without that, I'd still be a lanky, contagion-capturing, awkward kid who lived and died in Brooklyn. Doctors do good things, Tony. They mean well. You've just got to let them do their job."
Tony didn't want to let out what he was really afraid of, but here in Steve's arms, he felt trust. "What if they tell me-" Tony looks away, continuing, "what if they say there's nothing they can do? That I'm a lost cause?" He buries his face in Steve's neck again. "That I can't be fixed?" he whispered.
"Ah, I see." Steve made a thoughtful noise and was quiet for a moment. "Well, I believe that they can help. And I believe that you can get better. There's nothing to fix, Tony. Just mend."
"Steve," Tony looked up to meet his eyes, so much pain in them. "I'm so fucked up, Steve. Like you don't even know the half of it."
Steve looked into his eyes, frowning. "Maybe not. But that doesn't change my opinion. Tony, you are not messed up by any means. I mean that."
"LOOK AT ME, STEVE. I'm pathetic. I don't deserve you. That's why I didn't say anything. I don't even deserve to live."
"I am looking at you, Tony. My eyes are wide open. I don't see someone pathetic, I see someone who's used to working too hard and getting praised for too little. Yes, you do deserve me. I think that's my call. And yes, I've already called it. And don't you ever, ever say that you don't deserve to live. You deserve so much more than just life, Tony. You're...amazing, for lack of a better term. Literally amazing. I don't know what I can say to convince you of that, but I believe it with all my heart." He sighed softly, staring at Tony for a moment before adding, "going to this doctor? It will be good. And I really do believe that they can help you. But that isn't what makes or breaks you being a person that deserves to live. I guess I'm rambling, there's a point in there somewhere."
Tony smiled weakly, trying to keep his tears back. He clung to Steve hard, breathing deeply. "Why me? Why do you think I'm so great? I'm just a narcissistic asshole who doesn't give a shit. You should hate me. I'm everything you're against."
Steve chuckled quietly, then smiled. "That's what you think. You're not as much of an egotistical jerk as you try to make people believe. You do have a big head on you, but you're more than a forced ego. I've known that for a while, now. You care about more than you let on."
Tony sighed. He couldn't win. "I will let you down. I let everyone down. I just-if we don't get involved, then it won't hurt as much when you leave." Tony said in a whoosh. That was his biggest fear. Why he didn't let people in.
"But I don't want to leave. Tony, I don't want to go anywhere. It's kind of hard to let me down. So don't worry about me."
"I just want you to be happy," Tony mumbled into Steve's shirt, loving the soft material against his face. He heard heels clacking as pepper emerged in the door, the smirk on her face clearly displaying her emotions. Tony didn't look up, but stayed in Steve's arms, feeling like he might need it when Pepper spoke.
"I am happy, Tony. Right here," Steve said, squeezing him gently. He looked up when he heard the footsteps, but when Tony made no effort to move,, he didn't either.
Pepper folded her arms, her smirk growing wider. "So, I guess you two...talked."
Tony scoffed. "What's up?" He asked quietly, not meeting her eyes.
She smiled and said nothing for a moment, then shrugged. "I wanted to see if things had progressed at all. And I wanted to let you know that I've narrowed it down to a few people, so Steve's opinion would be valued, when he's got some free time."
Tony glanced at him quickly, nodding. "I'm okay. You can go up now, Steve," Tony said, nodding to Pepper before getting up to solder something.
"I'll come back down after, okay?" He watched Tony get up before he pressed up from the couch and followed Pepper upstairs.
Tony sighed, watching them both leave. He tried to work, but his hands shook too much, so he simply sat on his floor, thinking. He didn't notice Steve was back until he was on the floor with him.
"Are you okay, Tony?" he asked, watching him quietly. "You seem kind of off."
"I'm adjusting. It's a big step" he said, leaning against Steve.
"I understand. How are you feeling about all of this? I know a lot's happened in the last day."
"Really overwhelmed," he admitted, running his fingers through his hair. The truth was, he had been thinking of where he could find a sharp object to cut without Steve finding out. That's how stressed he was. But he didn't want Steve to know that. Hopefully he wouldn't ask.
"You're on the floor," he said softly, but he didn't press it any further. He'd come to realize that this was where Tony usually went when he was about to do it again. Steve sighed softly and rested his hand on Tony's knee. "It's not going to be as bad as you think. This is a big change, but it's a good one. You just don't realize it, yet."
Tony sighed loudly. "I hope so," he whispered, "because it's real fucking hard right now." His voice was choked as he buried his face in Steve's shirt, tears falling, sobs wracking his body.
Steve wrapped his arms around him and stroked his back, attempting to calm him. "It's going to be okay, Tony. Soon. Really soon."
Tony shook his head violently against Steve's chest. "Doesn't feel that way," he cried.
"Maybe not. But give it time. Things aren't going to change over night, and you're going to need patience. There will be good days, and there will be rough ones. Sometimes it's not always going to be a step forward." He lifted his hand to rest on the back of Tony's head, keeping him close. "It's not going to be easy, and it's not going to be fun. I'm here, and Pepper's here, and we're going to do absolutely everything that we can to make it as easy as possible for you, but you need to understand that we won't always be able to help. Sometimes, it's going to be up to you."
Tony nodded, wiping his eyes. "I know. I will do my best," he whispered. "What do we do now?"
"Anything you want to do. You've been through enough craziness for today, I'd say." He smiled glancing at him. "You deserve a break. We can deal with the rest as it comes."