FIFTH CHAPTER GUYS! I'm so glad you've liked it so far, and I already have seven chapter written, and an eighth outlined. I see this story being about ten chapters, but if inspiration strikes, it might be more. School is starting on Wednesday and my dad has threatened to take away all internet connection (aka tumblr, google docs, and fanfiction) so I have to stay on top of my work and not be writing constantly (I know-I'm sad too.) But I only have to edit those chapters so hopefully there will be more sooner rather than later! Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and 'liked' this story, the emails make my inbox happy :) Anyways-hope you like this chapter!
Tony seemed off. There was no other way to describe it, and Steve was concerned. A few days had passed since Tony's appointment, and he'd been more than content for all of them. Steve had warned himself that not every day was going to be as happy as the last few had been, but it still caught him off guard when Tony distantly remarked that he was going to head to his workshop, at eight in the morning.
As he grew to know Pepper, she and Steve had made a silent agreement to have breakfast together most mornings, since Tony had never been much of a breakfast person. He made his way down to the kitchen where he found her already seated at the table, sipping at a cup of tea. "Mornin'," he greeted, smiling as he passed her to pour some coffee.
"Morning, dear. We have things to talk about, today," she returned, a little less enthusiastically.
Steve turned to face her, pouring cream into his mug. "Oh? Is this about Tony?" He spoke quickly, mind instantly slipping to the worst thoughts.
"Yes, actually. Have a seat," she replied, nodding to the chair across from her over the rim of her mug. Steve did as she asked, folding his hands on the table. "Today's not a good day for Tony," she began, placing the mug before her. "Unfortunately, it's the anniversary of his parents' death. Now, I know you, and I know what you're going to want to do. I'm asking you not to. Tony just prefers to be alone when this day rolls around. He doesn't enjoy the company much, and likes sulking by himself. I wish he didn't, but that's how he is."
Steve gave her a worried look, twisting his fingers. "But if he's upset, we should help him. I knew something was wrong," he muttered, staring down into his coffee. "We can't just let him suffer all by himself, Pepper. Whether he's a 'big boy' or not, it hurts, no matter how much time has passed. He shouldn't have to be alone on a day like today. What if he handles it the wrong way? I know he's working on getting better, and you know I don't want to doubt him, but what if? I'm sorry, Pepper, but I can't do that. I can't leave him alone like that."
Pepper sighed softly, casting a wary look Steve's way. "Just be careful with him, Steve. You know how fragile he is. And he was a mama's boy. Don't let him convince you otherwise."
Steve nodded, rising from the table and pouring the rest of his coffee down the drain. He then started for Tony's workshop. Halfway there, he paused and turned back to get Tony some coffee before turning to leave again. He knocked softly before entering, looking around the room for Tony. "Tony? Brought you some coffee. Figured you might want some." When he didn't see him, Steve grew worried. He walked to the spot on the floor where Tony usually sat, and sure enough, there he was. He hadn't done anything, but the way he was blankly staring at the wall was nearly equally as concerning. "Tony?" Steve said, kneeling down beside him and setting the coffee on the desk. "Hey, talk to me. What's going on?" he asked softly, carefully placing his hand on Tony's knee.
Tony looked up suddenly, surprised at Steve's presence. "Oh, hey." he said quietly, looking back down at his hands. "What's up?" he asked a bit louder, standing up while leaning against the desk, staggering a bit. He gave Steve a forced smile, stumbling over to the couch. He wasn't drunk, just exhausted. He hadn't slept all night. "Nothing's going on, Cap. Just a bit tired is all. No worries. Just going to do a bit of work, yeah? I'm good. Why wouldn't I be good?" Tony babbled, looking back at Steve's skeptical face. "I'm fine, why wouldn't I be fine? Just another normal day, you know-things to do. I'll see you later then, Steve." Tony got up, feeling more steady on his feet as he walked up to Steve and tried pushing him to the door. The man wouldn't budge.
"Tony," he repeated softly, laying his hand on the smaller man's shoulder. He cast him a worried look and frowned down at him. "You're exhausted, you're stumbling about, and you're babbling. You're expecting me to believe that there's nothing wrong? I talked to Pepper this morning," he said. "From what I was told, you're not okay." Steve took him back over to the couch and sat him down before joining him. "So...?"
Tony followed Steve to the couch, falling back heavily and sighing. He put his head in his hands and leaned on his knees, silent. Tony didn't want to talk, not just because he didn't like opening up, but because he was afraid he would start crying. Feeling Steve's gentle hand on his back though, he knew he could trust him. "So, I'm guessing Pepper told you what today is, then." Tony acknowledged quietly, still not looking up.
"She did," he replied, rubbing soothing circles into Tony's back. "The part I'm missing, however, is a little more important. That information I need from you. She said you'd rather be alone, today. That's a reasonable request, and if you genuinely want me to, I'm willing to go by those rules. My question is why. Why would you rather be alone? Why would you rather suffer continually in silence, when you could just let it out? Losing people close to you is one of the hardest things in life to deal with. It's like having a piece of yourself ripped away, and you know that you're never going to get that back, no matter how healed you are. So why? Why on Earth would you choose to relive that feeling on your own?"
Tony sighed again, deeper this time. "I-" Tony swallowed hard, he was already feeling choked up. "I can't talk about it," he whispered very quietly. "I can't hold myself together if I talk." he admitted, wrapping his arms tightly around himself and rocking on the couch. He looked so small and vulnerable. "I'll lose it if I'm around people." Tony whispers as he falls to the side, longing for contact. He lays his head on Steve's shoulder, sniffing, trying to hold in the tears by blinking rapidly. When Steve wraps his arms around him, Tony breaks. A small sob escapes, then he buries his head into Steve's chest. The floodgates open, and he cries, really cries. Clinging to Steve, Tony gasps and sobs, the pain nearly crushing him. He continues on until the only things heard are small whimpers as Steve rubs slow, soothing circles on Tony's back, murmuring in his ear.
"It's never easy to talk about something that hurts that much, but from personal experience, I can tell you that getting it off your chest, at least once, can be really, really helpful." Steve kept Tony close, doing whatever he could to console him. "Talking helps. It doesn't fix the problem, and it doesn't make the pain go away entirely, but it helps."
Tony nodded against Steve's chest, pulling himself into the larger man's lap and burying his nose in Steve's neck, his scent calming him. "I miss my mom," he whispered. "So much." He clung to Steve's neck, his tears wetting Steve's shirt.
Steve wrapped his arms around the other, slipping his hand up to Tony's hair and massaging his head soothingly. "What was she like? She must have been lovely." Steve was careful about the questions he was asking. He didn't want to push his limits, but he also knew that Tony was going to need prompting to get him to talk.
Tony nodded. "God, she was-amazing. I couldn't do her justice. I wish you would've been able to meet her." Tony sighed. "She loved me," he admitted quietly, almost as if in awe of such a fact. "Whenever I was around her, I knew that she loved me. I'd never felt that way before," He looked up to meet Steve's eyes and continued, "And I haven't since".
"She sounds wonderful," Steve smiled a bit and looked at Tony. He was partially grateful that Howard had found someone so lovely, but his opinion of the man was reasonably strained, at this point. "And of course she loved you. You were her son. Nothing can replace a mother's love."
Tony nodded slightly, not necessarily agreeing. "Fuckkkkk" he hissed, rubbing his face as more tears came. "I want her back," he whispered, another small sob escaping. "I feel like such an ass because I can never get myself to go to the cemetery and see her. I can't think straight, and I can't drive, and it's such a mess, and God, I hate this day," Tony babbled, leaning into Steve again. "I can't do it." He whispered.
Hearing Tony's confession gave Steve an idea. "When was the last time you made it out to see her?" he asked gently, giving Tony a small squeeze. It hurt to see him this upset, and Steve was willing to do just about anything to stop him from crying any more.
Tony looked sheepishly up into Steve's eyes, they were red and watery from tears. "Not since they put her in the ground." he admitted quietly, looking away quickly.
"Would you like to go visit?" he asked, meeting Tony's gaze. "I can drive, if you want me to. I'd love to meet her."
Tony stared, mouth gaping at Steve's comment. Without thinking, he numbly shook his head yes, but made no move to get up.
Steve smiled warmly, then took to wiping the tears from Tony's face. "No more crying, okay? She'll be glad to see you." Steve slipped out from under Tony and lifted himself from the couch. He then extended his hand to the other. "Ready?"
Tony looked up, immensely nervous. "I-I guess so. As much as I'll ever be." He took Steve's outstretched hand, sniffing, and following him to the car.
Steve opened the door and allowed Tony into the car before climbing in himself. "You're going to have to give me directions, though, alright?" He lowered his hand from the wheel and gripped Tony's reassuringly. "It'll be okay. Is there anywhere you wanted to stop along the way?"
Tony nodded. He knew exactly how to get there. "We should stop at Yolanda's." Tony remembered his mother's favorite flower shop well. "For flowers," he clarified. He put on his seatbelt, telling Steve where to go. They pulled into the parking lot and Tony got out, pulling Steve along with him. He picked his mother's favorite - lily of the valleys. After re-entering the car, they pulled back onto the road silently.
As he drove, Steve's eyes drifted to Tony every few seconds. He knew the pain of loss as well as anyone, and he knew what it could do to people if they held it together for too long. Tony seemed decently composed as he gave the directions, and Steve relaxed a little, loosening his grip on the wheel. As they pulled into the cemetery, Steve parked along the side of the road and turned his gaze to Tony. "Would you rather go alone?"
Tony sighed, but took ahold of Steve's hand. "You can come. I-I don't want to go by myself." he admitted. He unbuckled and got out of the car slowly, waiting for Steve to join him by the path, looking down at his feet. When he felt Steve beside him, he grabbed his hand tight and continued looking down. "Thanks for doing this." Tony mumbled.
"It's no problem at all. I'm glad to join you," Steve replied, squeezing Tony's hand reassuringly. "This is a gorgeous cemetery." He took his time, looking around. After a few minutes of walking, he paused, turning his gaze to Tony. "Which one is it?" he asked, scanning over the area.
Tony took Steve's hand, guiding him to a secluded area a bit off the path. The two stones lay side by side with little decoration, just the simple letters of their names and the date-today's date, 20 years ago. Tony sighed heavily, trying to keep his composure, but failing. He looked to his mother's stone with longing in his eyes, which were wet, but not leaking. He grazed his hand along the granite, nearly forgetting Steve's presence until he cleared his throat.
Steve gave Tony his space, knowing that he would need a few minutes to sort things out. Try as he might, after three minutes had passed, Steve began to fidget, which ultimately led to the clearing of his throat. He hadn't meant to throw Tony off, but he realized immediately when he distracted the other. Placing his hand on Tony's shoulder, he looked back to the graves, then to Tony. "I think we should do some tidying up around here. That'd be a nice sentiment."
Tony nodded numbly, standing still-not sure what to do. When Steve started picking up leaves and brushing off the headstones though, Tony joined in. Once the area was relatively clean, Tony placed the flowers down in front of his mother's grave, before sitting down in front of it silently. He hung his head, letting his tears fall silently. "I miss you," he whispered, "...so much". Tony was oblivious to the way Steve was staring daggers at Howard's headstone, before brushing Tony's shoulder with his hand, giving a reassuring squeeze. Tony sniffed, wiping his eyes. "I should have come-before," he whispered. "I just have so much to say that I haven't." he admitted. This was his silent plea for Steve to give him some alone time. He hoped Steve would get the hint.
Steve could be a little absent-minded, but he wasn't dense. "Y'know," he said quietly, glancing to Tony, "...growing up, I was always told that the best way to speak with someone who'd passed away was by talking at their grave. Kind of like a telephone to Heaven." He smiled softly and looked to Tony's mother's grave. "It's been a pleasure visiting, ma'am." He turned a weary eye to Howard's grave and nodded coldly, then let his hand slip from Tony's shoulder. "I'll be in the car, alright? Take as much time as you need."
Tony nodded gratefully. Once Steve had retreated, Tony started babbling about everything - about the cave, Obie, palladium poisoning, cutting, therapy, and eventually-Steve. "He's different, Mom. He really cares. It's weird-but in a good way. He's just so damn nice to me, even when I'm an ass, and he always knows what I need and how to help me, and-I really like him. God, I wish you could meet him. You'd love him. He's amazing. I can't even explain. And Mom-I...I think I'm in love with him," Tony admitted, smiling to himself. He planted a kiss on his mother's grave, then made his way back to the car, Steve waiting for him, smiling.
As Tony made his way back to the car, Steve's smile continually grew until he was directly in front of him. His arms were wrapped around Tony less than a second later, pulling him into a hug. "You did a good thing by coming out here, today. She must have been thrilled to see you," he mumbled. Stepping back, Steve pressed his hands into his pockets and looked Tony over with his smile still set into place. "Now, how about we get you back home and lighten the mood?"
I literally wrote this on my mom's iphone in a hotel in Berkeley, California. Yeah. That's how much this plot was eating at me. As always, thank you to the wonderful captainsassmerica who deals with my upsets and replies to me at like 6 in the morning before she goes to school. I LOVE YOU BABE 3 Please review, they make us happyhappyhappy!