Logan stares in shock, at James' mangled arms. They're lined with cuts and scars, from wrist to elbow.
"James…why?" He chokes out, tears falling down his cheeks.
"I'm not nearly as strong as you think I am, Logan. I'm broken as well, but much farther down than you," James mutters, covering his arms. "I cut multiple times a day. It's an addiction that I can't live without."
"How the hell did you hide this from us?! How long have you been doing this?! Why did you even start?!" Logan rambles on, shooting out a bunch of questions.
"Whoa, hang on. You know my love for bandanas?" James looks up with tears in his eyes, before speaking again. "That's how I hid it. The wristdanas. As for how long, I started…right after the audition, when Gustavo said I had no talent…it was okay, I only cut maybe once a day, and sometimes I even forgot a day or two, but during our first concert….when I saw you guys tried to replace me…it got really bad…and it's been horrible since then. I don't blame you, or Kendall, or Carlos, or Gustavo, or Kelly. I blame myself. This is all my fault, because I'm such a fucked up asshole."
"Oh, Jay…" Logan whispers, his tears falling faster. How could he have not noticed…? His brother is hurting so badly, and he couldn't even see it. What kind of doctor is he? What if James had decided to just end everything?! What then?! Some doctor he is.
"I…I" James stutters, swallowing hard. Logan knows he's trying his best not to let a tear escape. He's trying to stay strong, when inside, he really isn't.
It's horrible. All the pent up emotion has slammed into him, and James can't take it anymore. He's doing his absolute best not to cry, not to show weakness, not to look vulnerable, but the act can only go on for so long. He's not strong enough, and it's becoming quite obvious.
"Jay…c'mere," Logan whispers. He's pulled into his brother's arms, his face pressed against Logan's chest.
And then it happens.
The tears break free, and soon he's sobbing hysterically into Logan's shirt, inches away from hyperventilating. His breathing is ragged, his mind is unfocused, and right now, the only thing he can think of, is the horrible emotional trauma raging through him.
He's a mess. A fucked up mess.
"Shhh, I gotcha, bro. You're safe," Logan's voice invades his ears, but James is too worked up to hear him. He can't even tell what Logan said. He's too overwhelmed, and right now, the thoughts of suicide are consuming him, pulling him in with evil claws. He can't do this. It's just too fucking hard. Everything's been hidden for over a year, and he just can't do it anymore.
"I-It hurts…" he mumbles, his voice muffled by Logan's shirt.
"I know, Jay, I know. It's gonna be okay. I'm here," Logan whispers. James feels Logan rubbing his back, and he knows the shorter brunette is trying to calm him down. It doesn't seem to be working, but James can feel himself begin to breathe normally again. He hiccups, whimpering, before lifting his head off Logan's chest.
"I'm-I'm sorry…" He whispers, hanging his head. He's supposed to be stronger than that. He's supposed to be strong for Logan. Breaking down in his little brother's arms isn't on his to do list for the day.
"It's okay, bro. You needed that. Don't you dare apologize," Logan tells him, looking at James with sympathetic eyes.
He needs to feel pain. He hasn't cut in hours, and he needs to. But, how is he going to get past Logan? He doesn't want to tell Logan what he's doing, nor does he want to refrain from causing himself harm. He hates to lie to Logan, but he has no choice. He just hopes Logan doesn't notice. He's not a great liar.
"I think I'm gonna go take a nap," James lies, still not meeting Logan's gaze.
"James…don't lie to me. If you're tired, fine, but if this is just an excuse to cut, stay here. Talk to me."
"I'm tired," He says, still looking down. He stands, and rushes out of their room, and straight into his bathroom. He has a razor in his pocket, and he closes the door, forgetting to lock it in his desperation.
He slides to the floor, and pulls out the razor, before rolling up his sleeve.
"One for being weak." Slash
"One for being worthless." Slash
"One for-"
James is cut off, as the door opens. He looks up, startled. It can't be Kendall or Carlos. They'd freak. Then again, it'd be even worse if it were Logan. He'd know about the lie, and he would probably be very hurt. Unfortunately, Logan stands there, his eyes darkened by anger.
When he speaks, his words are cold and coated in venom. "You lied to me."
I know, this chapter is short. It's kinda a filler, because the next chapter will be full of drama. Kendall and Carlos will also appear, and well, I've got a few things planned. Review! You guys are amazing! Thank you for all the reviews, alerts, favorites and follows!
XO ~Neha