-(don't) follow the white rabbit-
It's his first time wearing a drivesuit as an actual pilot—god, he couldn't get over this—and he feels a tad bit nervous as he steps onto Innocence Illusion's conn-pad. Kanda is already there, standing on the right side in his gear. The armour like suit covers over the pilot's body perfectly, and Lavi can't help the appreciative glance down even though it makes him feel like a pervert.
"So…" Lavi begins, holding his helmet in his hands.
"You know how it goes," Kanda says, effectively cutting any small talk. "Get ready."
"Yeah, in theory," Lavi retorts.
Drift sync testing and the actual drift process are incredibly different. For one, he knows that the actual drift process is the union of two minds and memories and feelings—not something that can be replicated in a simulation.
"What if there's something you don't want me to see, or—"
"There won't be," Kanda declares firmly. "I don't care what you think about me," he eyes Lavi. "Are you going to be a problem?"
"I—no," Lavi bites his lips. "No embarrassing childhood memories," he chuckles weakly. "Everything blank, nada, zlich, zero."
Kanda looks at him for a moment longer but doesn't ask further.
"Alright you two, pons helmet on," Komui's voice blares through the speaker. "We're going to lower the conn-pad."
They fit themselves into place, Kanda on the right and Lavi on the left, spinal clamps in place and helmets fitted over their heads. The relay gel clears as Lavi tries to breathe calmly, eye tilted towards his co-pilot.
"Do you even know my name?" Lavi blurts suddenly.
Kanda looks annoyed, even behind the helmet. "Do I have to?"
"Well yeah, because I'm your co-pilot?"
"You are not my co-pilot yet," Kanda says, and the conn-pad lowers down into Innocence Illusion.
"Kanda!" comes Lenalee's horrified voice from the speaker. "Don't be so rude to Lavi!"
"Whatever."
"Right. Ahem," It's Reever this time. "We're ready to start the drift when you are. Give me a count, Kanda."
Lavi looks over at Kanda again, and this time Kanda looks back with a determined glint in his eye as he nods once.
"One. Two," Kanda counts calmly. "Three."
Lavi doesn't know how to describe the drifting process. It's weird. It's strange. He closes his eyes and he expects to see darkness, but instead he feels like he falling—but he doesn't feel scared. It feels like he's being pulled backwards by some force that grounds him at the same time. He knows that he's lying still in the conn-pad but it also feels like he's moving, like he's moving through his memories backwards.
"It isn't," Lavi says. "I promise it isn't."
Bookman gives him defeated look. "Because this isn't about you."
He watches the conversations he's had in the past few hours, days, all on fast rewind, yet he understands perfectly when they all happen.
"Give him a chance," Lenalee says. "Even when you had Alma, you've never—" but she stops immediately when she sees the look on Kanda's face. "I'm sorry. God, Kanda, I am so sorry—"
"It's okay," Kanda forces out, turning away.
Lavi swallows at the clench of pain at his heart, and then he realises that he's seeing Kanda's memories—and feeling his feelings.
"Drift sequence phase one," Reever reports, eyes tracking their stats in the local command centre where everyone else is watching the process. "So far stable. Synchro rate is at forty percent, slowly increasing."
"That's pretty good for phase one," Chaoji observes.
"I think there's finally someoneelse out there who's compatible with Kanda Yuu," Marie adds in, smiling.
Komui nods. "Set them for phase two."
Kanda blinks, looking around at his surroundings. He's in a room that he can't recognise, so he concludes he must be in one of Lavi's memories.
A young boy is on the couch, right eye plastered with blood soaked bandages. He looks fragile, like he's going to break. He stares forward like he isn't seeing anything.
A moment later the door opens, and it's Bookman, twelve years ago. Bookman squats in front of the child.
"I'm Bookman," he introduces. "I'm going to be your guardian from now on."
The boy blinks once. "Who am I?"
Bookman swallows. "You're going to be okay, boy. You're going to be okay."
Tears stream down the child's cheeks, but he doesn't know why.
At least, Kanda knows the kid doesn't understand why he's crying.
Lavi finds himself in a room similar to the current one he has now, but it's bigger with better furnishing and double beds. A groan sounds from one of the beds and the covers are pushed down in frustration as a handsome teen with a devilish smirk starts to whine.
Alma Karma.
"Yuu," Alma calls. "Hurry up, I'm fucking tired."
Kanda saunters out of the bathroom, wearing only a thin pair of cotton pants.
"Then go to sleep, idiot." It's chiding but fond, as Kanda slips down under the covers.
Alma sighs audibly, hands reaching around his partner. "God, yes," he breathes, nuzzling his nose into Kanda's neck. "Much better."
"I thought you said you wanted to sleep," Kanda retorts, but he allows the other to pull him down for a kiss.
"I didn't," Alma grins against his mouth. "You know how much I need you every time after we drift," he punctuates this by kissing Kanda deeper, drinking in the deep moan he received in return.
"You keep that up and you won't be sleeping for the next two hours," Kanda says, voice rough.
"Only two hours?" Alma murmurs softly against his neck, sucking kisses along the pale throat.
"Is that a challenge?"
"I had you for three, and that was after we slashed that akuma that hacked up glow acid every ten minutes."
Kanda smirks. "I can keep you for four," he whispers. "You'll be begging by the first hour."
Alma matches his smirk. "You're on."
"Who am I, really?" he asks again, a month later.
Bookman hands him a photograph. There is a couple in it who's smiling happily, a small girl with a tooth missing but laughing, and a boy with red hair, just like him.
He blinks and looks up. "I don't know them."
"They were your family," Bookman says.
"I don't know them," he repeats. "Why don't I know them?"
Bookman sighs, looking at him sadly. "Post traumatic stress disorder. The doctor said you will never remember a thing."
He bits his lip. He looks at the photograph again. "What if I want to?"
Bookman doesn't quite give him a smile. "I don't think you want to."
"You know," Alma says lazily, pouring kisses down Kanda's bare back. "What if we drifted with an akuma?"
"Are you insane?" Kanda mutters, eyes closed with his head on the pillow, stomach down. "Why would anyone do that?"
"They've been invading us for years but we haven't got a clue about them," Alma continues, just as he continues his descent of his lips down Kanda's spine. "We understand each other through the drift, right? What if we could understand what the akumas were? We can find out their weakness and fuck them up."
"There's nothing to understand about them," Kanda responds. "They're killing machines. So we kill them."
Alma laughs. "You have no imagination," he pouts, kissing his way back up to Kanda's shoulder. "I'm just saying, someone should try it. It's not like the science guys are progressing."
"No one would be fucking crazy enough to do it," Kanda states, turning his head so that his co-pilot could meet his mouth.
"I would be," Alma hums, kissing him again. "Mmm, Yuu," he breathes. "Do that thing with your tongue again. Mmm—ngh—"
The conversation doesn't progress further.
"Drift sequence phase two. They're up to sixty five percent synchro," Reever reads.
Excited murmurs cast around the local command centre.
"If they're stable for a few more seconds, we're initiating the neural handshake," Komui announces. "On ten. One, two, three, four, five," he counts steadily. "Six, seven—"
"Wait," Johnny, sitting at the screen right in the front pauses. "Synchro level dropped by one percent."
Everyone casts their glances to the hologram showing the synchro levels. The level hovers at sixty four percent. Then it plummets down to thirty.
"Shit," Reever swears. "Kanda, Lavi! Can one of your hear me?"
There is no response except for the beeping alarm in the background.
"Initiate pull back," Komui commands firmly. "They're getting stuck in the drift."
"Which one?"
Komui swallows. "Both of them."
"It's a category four," Alma tells him, pulling on the pons helmet.
"Don't be stupid," Kanda scoffs, settling into his place in the Jaeger. "There're only category threes."
"Before we had category threes, we only had category twos," Alma snorts. "It's a four this time. And I know how to beat it."
"Kanda, Alma, initiating drift sequence in ten seconds."
Kanda stares at the other. "Alma, what the fuck did you do?" he hisses.
"You'll find out," Alma winks, tapping the helmet.
Kanda closes his eyes and lets the drift takes him through their memories. He sees Alma creeping into the biology lab. He sees Alma fitting on the pons helmet that is connected to an akuma brain scavenged from their last fight. He squeezes his eyes tight and gasps as he's being pulled into another drift, and when he opens his eyes all he sees is an azure blue that burns too brightly.
A weird creature with an oblong shape for a head peers back at him, three fingers reaching out to touch. Kanda can only stare wide eyed, and when one of those fingers touch his forehead, he gets pulled out of the drift abruptly.
And then he knows.
"Fuck, Alma," Kanda thinks across their headspace, breathing heavily. "Why the fuck did you drift with an akuma brain? Don't—don't ever do it again."
"It was fine. You saw, right?" Alma responds. "The portal thing. We've got to tell Komui about that."
"Why didn't you tell anyone earlier?"
"How am I supposed to get anyone to believe me?" Alma scoffs. "If you vouch that I'm saying the truth, people will take it seriously. It's you, after all."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means you're the most boring person on the planet, Yuu," Alma thinks easily, earning a growl. "Anyway, let's deal with this akuma first. Aim for the point right between the ribs. We can take this bitch down, no problem."
Grudgingly Kanda thinks Alma's got a point. It's the first time they've ever felt so confident that they could beat an akuma, even if it's a new category. It's like he knows where to hit to take it down in three paces. It's like he knows everything about the akuma even before he sees it.
It's too easy.
It feels too easy.
That's because it is.
Once they face the akuma out in the sea, teeth bared and monstrous eyes glinting, they know something is very wrong.
"It's going to take me," Alma thinks to Kanda in panic. "It's going to kill me, Yuu."
It's because drifting is a mind meld. It means that the memories, thoughts and feelings go both ways. Just as Alma has gained the knowledge about the akuma and the portal, the akuma knows about the weaknesses of Innocence Illusion and who Alma is.
Where he is.
"You don't know for sure," Kanda thinks back, trying to calm him down.
"Ghost drifting," Alma thinks. "I can feel it. I know for sure. Yuu, oh god, I'm so sorry—"
Their mental conversation cuts immediately when the akuma lunges for them. They parry the blow, trying to aim for the point on its ribs—but it seems like the akuma knows; it yanks their Jaeger down to its knees and goes for the point right behind the neck of the Jaeger—into the conn-pod.
Kanda goes white when he sees the claw, wet and scaly, close around his co-pilot. "No," he denies to himself. "No."
"Yuu," Alma thinks to him desperately, and Kanda can feel how fucking terrified his partner is, dangling in the akuma's grip. "Save me."
That's the last thing that echoes in his mind before the akuma yanks Alma fully out of the Jaeger and crushes him.
The resulting scream is beyond terrible—he thinks it's Alma but after Kanda screams he realises it's him, he can't stop the agonising pain that sears through his veins, burns right into his skull and shoots through his heart. He doesn't know if it's a physical manifestation of being cut off from the neural handshake so suddenly, but it hurts so bad that he's gasping violently for air, hands trembling so hard that he loses his grip on the controls.
Suddenly everything is so quiet. In his head, it feels empty, and that scares him more than he could ever explain.
"A-alma?" he begs, but he knows it's futile. Only silence echoes now.
He stares wide eyed at the hole in his Jaeger—the hole that Alma was grabbed from.
Save me.
His Alma.
Kanda gasps awake. He struggles to breathe despite how his throat constricts, and he refuses to cry, ignoring the burn in his heart. He hasn't seen Alma so clearly in two years, not counting the times he's woken up screaming Alma's name in the middle of the night, midst the cold sea splatter of his broken Jaeger.
Save me. Alma had pleaded. Save me.
"Kanda! Kanda!" Reever shouts through the speakers. "Can you hear me? Kanda!"
"I can hear you," Kanda forces himself to speak, voice slightly cracked.
"Good, good," Reever sounds far away, like how Tapp sounds even further. "Okay, pilot one stabilizing…but pilot two is still…"
"Kanda," Komui begins urgently. "Can you find Lavi? He's gotten stuck."
Kanda looks over to the redhead who has his eye shut closed, mouth muttering words that he cannot hear. "Shut it down," he commands immediately. "Shut the fucking power down!"
"We can't," Komui tells him. "He's gotten stuck too deep. If we cut the connection now we'll lose him. We need you to bring him back up first."
"Fuck," Kanda swears, quickly searching through their shared headspace. "Twenty seconds. Then you shut the power off."
He feels the redhead at one particular drifting memory, and he dives himself into it.
Lavi stands in the middle of a city, rubble and debris all around him. It doesn't look familiar, but he feels like he should know this place. People are screaming and running around him, but he walks carefully, casting his gaze around. Nothing catches his eye, until he sees a young boy crouching ten paces ahead of him.
The boy is crying.
"I can get you out," he blabbers frantically, yanking at a concrete pillar to no avail. "I can," he insists, tears streaming down. "I can. I can. I can—"
"Lavi, listen to me." Underneath the debris is a man hugging a woman and a small girl tight. "You have to run."
"I can do this. I can. I can, papa," the boy begs, blood tricking from his fingers as he claws at the pillar.
The surrounding area is suddenly deserted, and then a loud smash comes from a hundred meters behind. The force of vibration causes all of them to stagger.
"Run," the man shouts instead. "Run!"
"I can't leave you!" the boy screams. "I can't—"
"Lavi, listen to me," the woman starts this time, gentle. "You're a big boy now, right? Papa will protect us. You need to protect yourself."
"But—" It's clear that the boy doesn't believe a single word of it. "I can't," he whispers.
A thunderous footstep echoes from fifty meters behind them.
"Run," the man begs. "Please. For us."
The boy raises his head shakily when a shadow is casted over him. He doesn't have any words to utter as he stares at the huge alien creature hovering above him. The roar released quakes him to his toes and he can't feel his limbs.
He wants to run.
He needs to run.
He scrambles back on his hands as the akuma takes a step forward—and crushes the debris covering the man, woman and girl. The force blows out at him—he doesn't manage to block a piece of concrete flying into his face and whacking his right eye.
He sits up, hands releasing his eye. He can't see anything from the right side anymore, but his hands look red with some sticky substance. He wonders what it is.
"Lavi!" Kanda snaps, grabbing him by the arm roughly. "Lavi, wake up."
Lavi doesn't respond to him, his eye is still trained on the young boy.
"It's just a memory," Kanda continues, gripping his neck. "Wake up."
Kanda is forced to yank both of them down when a metal machine abruptly enters into the scene, smashing the akuma into the ground.
The Jaeger is of an old design but it looks fairly new in its day—the first of all the Jaeger series, a Mark-1.
Judgement Fist.
The Jaeger battles the akuma ruthlessly, throwing the alien down and down again. The young boy sits, unmoving on the ground, staring at the flattened debris.
"Give them back," he murmurs, softly, and then louder. "Give them back."
Glass breaks around him and broken signs fly, but he doesn't care.
"GIVE THEM BACK!" he screams.
"Lavi!" Kanda shakes the redhead urgently. "Fuck."
It doesn't seem like Lavi is responding to anything that he's saying, so Kanda aims for another tactic. He slides the visor of Lavi's helmet up and punches the youth.
Lavi splutters, groaning as he tries to sit up. "Ow, Yuu…"
Kanda heaves a sigh of relief, albeit a small one. "You fucking idiot," he says, yanking Lavi up by the neck. "Stay with me," he commands, forcing the redhead to meet his eyes. "Stay with me, you understand?"
But even as he says this, Lavi's eye is slowly being unfocused again.
"Fuck, get a grip!"
Kanda curses as an impact resonates from a hundred meters away, and he grabs Lavi tight so that they don't get blown away. A few seconds later, the Jaeger appears next to them, next to the young boy, its heavy robotic fist landing on the ground in some resting position.
The head eases up and the conn-pad emergency exit door opens. A man pushes himself up on top of his robot, long red hair flowing in the wind as he pulls off his helmet. He looks down with a look of contemplation. A woman joins him seconds later, blonde hair released from her helmet.
Cross Marian and Cloud Nyne, the first pilots of a Jaeger.
"How's the kid?" Cloud asks.
Cross smirks. "Alive."
"My dad…" Lavi murmurs. "My mom…my sis…"
Kanda growls, closing his eyes. He searches their headspace for Lavi—just to grab and ground him, anything, before Lavi slips down the drift further.
"Lavi," Kanda thinks into their headspace forcefully. "Stay with me."
He sees Lavi's green iris dilating and constricting, a sign that the other is slipping in and out of it. Kanda doesn't know what else to do to ground Lavi with him.
So he kisses him.
"Ten more seconds and we lose him completely," Reever states, worried. "Boost the synchro rate artificially—anything! Help Kanda get him!"
Lenalee swallows, gripping Allen's hand tightly. "Oh god, please…" she whispers.
"I said twenty and you shut the power," Kanda says when he opens his eyes. "Shut it. Now!"
"He's still in too deep!" Reever insists. "We'll lose him!"
Five.
Four.
Three.
"I HAVE HIM! JUST SHUT THE FUCKING POWER!"
Two.
Johnny yanks out the main circuit control wires and everything comes to a stop, the lights of their computers cut off immediately.
Kanda feels the connection in his head disappear, resounding an emptiness that echoes back into his brain, but he ignores it as he pulls himself off and grabs Lavi before the other sinks to his knees. Lavi is heavier than he expected, or maybe his own limbs feel like dead weight, so he only manages to get Lavi lying against him, head lolling against his neck.
"I'm bringing the conn-pad up," Reever states over the speaker.
"Lavi," Kanda shakes him after he pulls both their helmets off. "Wake up."
He cradles Lavi's face, almost gently. "Lavi," he pats the other's cheek with a bit of force. "Wake up," he repeats.
"Ngh—" Lavi stirs, groaning. "…Yuu? …Did you kiss me?"
The relief is visible on Kanda's face, but he tenses up a second later. He stands up abruptly, causing Lavi to hit the floor painfully.
"You—you fucking idiot!" Kanda snarls at him, fist tightening in anger. "You should have fucking told me!"
Lavi staggers himself upright, trying to steady himself. "Fuck—I didn't know!"
Kanda doesn't take that for an excuse because he grabs Lavi by the neck painfully. "The drift doesn't just share memories, our feelings get amplified," he hisses lowly. "You said you had no childhood memories!"
"They said I would never remember!" Lavi argues. "I didn't even realise that was me until I—" he stops, taking in a shuddering breath. "God, I can't believe my dad—"
"Get a grip," Kanda grinds out. "You nearly lost yourself in the drift, do you fucking understand how dangerous that is?"
"Great job," Lavi sours. "Because you didn't get stuck either!"
"And I got out of it," Kanda stares hard at him. "You know why I need a co-pilot now. Wasn't that enough of a fucking clue? You have no excuse."
"Yeah?" Lavi swallows, feeling indignation of anger searing through his veins. "Where do you want me to start? I'm fucked up because an akuma killed my family and I don't remember who they are anymore? Or maybe because I didn't even know who the fuck I am?"
Kanda snarls. "I don't care! If you fuck up—"
"Of course you don't care!" Lavi yells back. "Because the only thing you ever cared about is dead!"
There is a slate of silence.
Kanda clenches his fists so tightly that his palms start to bleed.
Lavi feels his gut plunge into ice. "Y-yuu, I—"
"Fuck you," Kanda hisses, storming out of the conn-pad.
Lavi watches, numb.
-(don't) follow the white rabbit-