-(don't) follow the white rabbit-

Bookman finds him in their science lab two hours later, curled up on the couch. He had barged past everyone when he exited the conn-pad, running to a secluded place to be by himself. He doesn't dare to go back to his room knowing that Kanda is just right across him.

Bookman sighs, draping a towel over his shoulders and sits next to him.

Lavi squeezes his hands tightly and tries not to cry, just as he has for the past two hours.

"I'm so sorry," Bookman says.

"You knew that I would remember," Lavi chokes out.

"Yes."

"I wish I didn't," Lavi says in a whisper.

Bookman rests a hand on his shoulder. "You're going to be okay, Lavi," he says. "You're going to be okay."

If he thought Kanda was cold when he first met him, it is nothing compared to how the pilot is treating him now. He doesn't see Kanda enter or leave his room, but he does see him in the cafeteria sometimes. Kanda doesn't even so much as act like Lavi exists. He never manages to get within ten meters of the man, much less strike up a conversation.

But then again, Lavi doesn't know what they should talk about either.

He feels Kanda lingering in his mind, like if he thought about something or felt something, Kanda would know it. He says he's sorry a million times, but there is no voice echoing back.

It just means he tries harder.

He feels like his heart is tearing apart. He doesn't know if this is how Kanda feels all the time since Alma had been taken away. Now he knows why there's a law that bans any attempt to drift with an akuma, because it's been attempted before, with dangerous consequences. Sometimes Lavi wakes up, drenched in cold sweat with Kanda screaming, pain sizzling through his bones.

Ghost drifting, Lavi knows. A side effect after you've been in the drift. The drift link remains somewhat active, though muted, after you've disconnected from the hardware per se.

Sometimes, he feels what he thinks Kanda feels inside.

Sometimes, it feels like death.

Neither of them are called to do anything for the moment. It's about three weeks to the akuma invasion, but Komui and Reever have not decided if they want them to try drifting again.

It's a dangerous gamble.

Everyone knows that Kanda and Lavi are drift compatible. But if they lose themselves in the drift for a second time, there may not be a way back. If successful, they earn the power of another Jaeger, including the strength of one of the best pilots in history. If they don't, they lose two pilots to the drift, with one less Jaeger for the final battle. Or maybe they should search for another pilot pair, with no guarantee of their skill. Possibilities are available, but a choice needs to be made.

Time is ticking, but hard choices need time.

It starts out small.

Lavi moans, threading his fingers through dark inky tresses and obligingly opens his mouth wider to let that skilful tongue lead his into a heated dance. He doesn't think much, only to feel the hot and wet sensations, and also the need that starts to pool in his abdomen.

He has his eyes closed in pleasure, taking quick small desperate breaths of air when the mouth releases him for a second before claiming him again.

He's never been kissed so dedicatedly in his life, and he never wants to stop.

"Yuu," he gasps, unable to hold back a desperate plea for more.

Suddenly he jolts awake, eye snapping open in horror. His hands are trembling by the force of grip he had been holding on to his sheets, and he feels a hot flush running from his neck right down to his hard on.

The cold shock of embarrassment sets in a second later, but he still feels achingly hard.

Lavi swallows, scrambling out of his bed and rushes to the shower. He doesn't bother to strip before he yanks the cold tap on full, shuddering under the chill that seeps into his skin. Breathing hard, he leans against the wall and tries to calm down.

He imagines that mouth kissing him full again, and he jolts out of the day dream in panic.

He's never been so aroused by one person kissing him, it's almost pathetic. Worse because he knows that person is Kanda Yuu.

A week passes, and Lavi searches Allen out in desperation. The white haired boy has just finished his own training on the mat and smiles when Lavi pulls him aside to talk privately, never mind that the redhead has been avoiding almost everyone since the failed drift.

He blames himself for it, because everyone else (but Kanda) doesn't.

"I keep having…dreams," Lavi begins uneasily, and Allen pauses in the midst of wiping his face with his towel to look at him.

"Normal."

Lavi shakes his head. "Not the usual dreams," he elaborates reluctantly. "I keep dreaming about Yuu."

"Also normal," Allen says in a heartbeat, then he looks curious. "You call him by his first name. Well, not surprising, I suppose. You did drift with him."

"Sexy dreams," Lavi elaborates, frustrated. "Wet dreams. I haven't had a wet dream since I was a stupid teenage boy with a crush on my therapist!"

"Totally normal."

"—I'm not talking like—wait, what?" Lavi gapes, staring.

Allen brushes off the look. "Ghost drifting," he explains easily. "The after effect. Every pilot goes through it. Nothing is wrong with you, Lavi," he states, amused.

Lavi has heard first time pilots complaining about the phenomenon. They don't feel right without their co-pilot by their side. They don't feel complete. They touch each other, all the time, as if to remind themselves that they're there.

"I know about the side effects but…"

"It's exactly how it is. You feel like something's missing," Allen smiles, but it's bittersweet. "Like you're never going to be warm until you're connected again. Your body is undergoing a withdrawal phase."

"But," Lavi lowers his tone to a whisper. "I keep seeing us having sex!" he hisses, desperate. "At first it was just kissing but then two days later he's fucking me and I can't—"

Allen starts coughing violently. "Edging into TMI territory there," he warns, looking disturbed.

"I can't forget it. My memory doesn't let me forget," Lavi groans, frantic. "I see Yuu everywhere and I don't even see him because he's avoiding me like the black plague. Fuck, I feel like I'm going to die. It fucking hurts," he whimpers, clawing at his chest.

"Drifting amplifies feelings, sexual included," Allen reminds him. "If you thought of him that way before the drift, it gets worse. You did say you thought he was hot," he shrugs.

Lust, he could handle, but this felt beyond that in words that he couldn't explain.

"You don't understand, Allen! I feel like I-I want—no, I need him. I—"

Allen looks at him in sympathy. "I know how it's like," he says, quirking a smile. "I have a co-pilot."

Lavi stares. "…But, Komui—"

"He pretends not to know and we prefer to keep it that way," Allen says easily. "It isn't a choice that you can choose, Lavi. Once you drift with someone, you aren't your own person anymore."

"I am so fucked," Lavi mutters, sinking to the floor. He knocks his head on his knees. "And I'm not even his co-pilot yet."

Allen squats beside him and pats him on the shoulder. "You'll feel better if you touch him, I suppose," he offers. "Like all withdrawal symptoms, you'll feel better if you take a bit of the drug. You have to wean it. It gets better with time."

"I—I can't," Lavi moans. "Not after what I said to him," he mumbles. "What do I do? I know he hates me. I can feel it. He's not going to let me touch him."

"He would," Allen smiles. "Doesn't look like it, but he feels the same way inside," at Lavi's confused look, he elaborates. "It's a two way process. Whatever you're feeling, he feels it too."

"But he's drifted with somebody else before," Lavi protests. "He's used to this."

"He hasn't drifted with you," Allen points out. "He'll let you. I can bet you on that."

He waits two more days before he gives up. He's never felt so wrecked by anything in his life. He can hardly close his eyes without feeling Kanda's mouth on his body, nor can he ignore the ache that hurts so bad knowing that Kanda is just right across the corridor and he can't see nor touch him.

He wakes up to come stained sheets and he hasn't even touched himself.

It's the last straw, and he drags himself out of bed, changing into a fresh pair of pants. The clock flashes 4 a.m, but he goes across the corridor anyway. He can feel Kanda just behind the metal door, and it drives him crazy.

"Yuu," he whispers, knocking on the door softly. "Yuu!"

There is no response, so he knocks harder and raises his volume. He doesn't care if he's going to wake everyone in the corridor. "Yuu!"

It takes three more minutes of non-stop knocking before the door swings violently open.

"What the fuck is your problem?" Kanda hisses, long hair spilling down his shoulders.

The pilot is not wearing a shirt, a large tattoo painted over the side of his bare chest. His pants look rumpled, as he was most probably sleeping before Lavi decided to wake him.

Lavi swallows, the sudden visage overwhelming his senses. "I-I'm sorry," he blurts. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"Fuck, shut up," Kanda grinds out looking more irritated than ever. "I don't care."

"I'm sorry. You know I am. I shouldn't have said that," Lavi says desperately. "I'm really sorry, Yuu."

The look in Kanda's eyes hardens immediately. "Don't ever call me by my first name," he snarls, slamming the door shut.

Lavi jumps at the impact. "Shit, fuck," he swears. "Yuu, please!" he calls out, banging on the door once. "Please. Kanda, please."

The door doesn't open again.

Lavi sits down by the door, back against it. He feels even worse now, having seen Kanda and having him within touching distance but being denied that contact. He feels like his heart is ripping apart, and he doesn't know if it's him or Kanda.

He shivers, pulling himself close into a ball and shuffles to a position that he can sleep in. It's difficult, but he still falls asleep, knowing that Kanda is closer than he has been since the drift.

The thought comforts him slightly.

Kanda wakes at six every morning to go through his katas on the mat. It's early but that's because he prefers to practice when there's absolutely no one around. It's no exception even if his sleep was disturbed by a redhead at four, he still gets ready to leave his room at the usual time.

He doesn't expect the body of the redhead that falls at his feet when he opens his door.

"What the fuck," Kanda mutters, blinking.

Lavi stirs groggily from the jerk, shifting himself to sit up. He rubs his good eye blearily, fingers self consciously skimming at his right eye that is sewn shut—he'd forgotten that he took off his eye patch last night before he clambered out of bed. Kanda doesn't seem to care about it, however.

"What do you want," Kanda bites out, nudging him with his foot.

The redhead looks absolutely wrecked. His hair is in a mess and he looks like he hasn't slept properly in days—also, he's trembling with a tension so tight that Kanda's sure he's going to snap.

"You," Lavi he begs, voice hoarse. "Fuck—you—you know what I need. Please."

Kanda steels his jaw. He does know, because he's been through it for years with Alma. He's gotten better at controlling it but obviously the red head has no clue where to start. Kanda debates whether he should be cruel and leave Lavi there, but, maybe leaving him alone for a week is cruel enough.

"I can't take this anymore," Lavi pleads, fists curled up so tight, he's trying to prevent himself from jumping the man in front of him. "Please."

Kanda sighs, knowing that the redhead is only holding back because he doesn't want to do anything without permission, even if it's killing him inside. He scowls and drops the bag slung over his shoulder to the ground, holding out one hand.

"Take it."

Lavi doesn't need to be told twice. The tension seeps out of Lavi the moment that he touches Kanda—and he closes his eyes in relief. The redhead shuffles right into Kanda's personal space as if drawn by a magnet.

"You can kill me later," he mumbles before throwing himself right into Kanda. "Oh god," he sighs, into the crook of Kanda's neck, breathing in deeply. "I didn't realise it would be this bad—I mean, I've heard rumours on how touchy pilots get but I never thought I'd feel like I'd die if I didn't…"

Kanda tenses for a moment, but reluctantly doesn't shove him off. "Shut up," he says, rapping the back of Lavi's head. "I'm only letting you do this once," he states, holding Lavi by the neck. "Your heartbeat is too fast. Calm down. Breathe with me. One. Two. Three. One—"

Lavi focuses on Kanda's voice, trying to get his rhythm under control. It starts to slow down to a less dangerous pace, but he closes his eye by mistake and slips into another day dream.

This time he can feel Kanda underneath him, that toned body pressing him in all the right places. Without thinking he opens his mouth and kisses Kanda on the neck, hands slipping around the other's waist to hold him tight.

"God, Yuu," he breathes, rubbing his lips over the same spot again.

His head is abruptly pulled back roughly, and Lavi winces at the pain in his neck from the force.

Kanda stares at him hard. "Stop it. You are not Alma," he states. "You will never be him."

"I'm not trying to be him," Lavi mutters. "I'm Lavi. I'm staying Lavi. But I need you," he doesn't care if he sounds so needy, but that's how desperate he is right now.

"You don't need me," Kanda says firmly. "Ghost drifting can delude people. Make them feel things from a memory. How much did you see of Alma and I?"

"Everything," Lavi answers truthfully. "Every time."

"That's why."

Lavi shakes his head. "It's not—it's not because of that. I know it isn't."

"The one week has gotten into your head," Kanda says, sounding a little guilty. The pilot drags Lavi over to the bed and dumps him on it, not gently. "Close your eyes. Try to sleep. It'll be better after."

That's the thing with drugs Allen did not mention. Once you had a small dose, the addiction starts.

Lavi refuses to let go of Kanda. "Do something. Anything."

"I'm not going to do something that you'll regret later."

"You kissed me," Lavi argues. "In the drift."

"I had to," Kanda states flatly. "You were losing it."

"Kiss me again."

"No."

"Then stay with me."

Kanda scowls. "Fine. Move," he shoves Lavi further to the other side of the bed and climbs in. "Don't try anything funny."

Lavi presses as much as he can against Kanda. The hard burn of longing contact has simmered into a dull hum in the back of his mind, but he still feels incomplete. He tries to feel Kanda more, hugging the man by the waist, but it doesn't work.

"Stop trying to find it," Kanda shifts against him, trying to make the redhead let up. "You won't feel it unless you drift again."

An hour later, Lavi sighs.

"I hate this," he mutters. "This feeling. I need you so much. I hate it."

Kanda rolls his eyes, staring at the ceiling in boredom. He'd thought Lavi would've fallen asleep, and had been aiming to leave once that happened. But staying in close contact with the person he's drifted with wins out more. Even if Kanda's been through the symptoms of ghost drifting, it's still the first time he's done it with Lavi. He knows how to control the urges from experience, but it doesn't mean that he doesn't feel the relief when they touch.

"I didn't mean it," Lavi says. "I know you care about everyone. Even stupid first time pilot me."

"I don't," Kanda retorts immediately. "And you're still not a pilot."

Lavi ignores him. "You think I'm interesting."

"I am not interested."

"You think I'm cute," Lavi continues. "Like a rabbit."

"I do not."

"You—"

"If you don't shut up, I'll kick you out."

Lavi shuts his mouth, but he smiles. He feels better now, with the reassuring warmth of Kanda next to him. His head is the clearest since he's drifted, and he's able to shift through the memories and feelings in his head, separating his and Kanda's.

For the first time in more than a week, Lavi sleeps peacefully.

"You said it'll get better," Lavi shakes Allen, hard.

"Woah, woah—Lavi! Stop!"

"Sorry," the redhead runs his hand through his hair, in frustration. "It's not getting better, Allen!"

"Something wrong, Lavi?" Lenalee asks curiously as she trots up, tray of food in hand.

They're in the cafeteria, but it's relatively empty, since its way past the normal time for dinner. Lavi had found Allen eating some sort of sweetened glutinous balls and took the chance to speak with him. Lenalee sits down next to Allen, and pilots share a look that makes Lavi feel like he can never understand what expires between the two.

"Ghost drifting," Allen explains, grabbing the carton of apple juice from Lenalee's tray.

"Ah," Lenalee makes an understanding noise.

"You said it'll be better after I touch Yuu," Lavi goes on. "It hasn't."

"I said it'll be better with weaning," Allen emphasizes. "Not by having sex with him once."

"We didn't have sex," Lavi feels the need to point it out. "He let me sleep with him. I mean, next to him," he corrects hastily. "It felt better when I woke up, but he wasn't there, and then I—" he groans. "I fell asleep again for a short while, and this time I dreamt that I was fucking him. On his bed."

For some reason he doesn't feel the need to be embarrassed around the other two pilots, maybe because both of them are listening seriously like they understand.

"Maybe you do need to sleep with him," Lenalee says finally, grabbing the apple juice back from Allen.

"He won't do it. He thinks I'm feeling this way because of his memories of Alma."

Allen chews the last of his dessert slowly. "Well. Are you?"

"No!"

"It's hard to be sure," Lenalee puts in gently. "Connecting two people's minds together can really mess you up. It's even more complicated when one of you have been connected with someone else before."

"It's…I don't know how to explain it," Lavi admits. "I can feel Alma like I can feel Yuu, but it's not the same. Alma feels like another person. I know I'm not that person. I know how Alma loved Yuu, and I—" then he stops, voice dropping to a whisper. "I think I love Yuu."

Allen and Lenalee rest their hands on his back slowly.

"Fuck," Lavi mutters, the realisation washing him cold. "Oh fuck."

"Lavi, it's okay," Lenalee murmurs. "It's okay."

Lavi hears Allen trying to calm him down but he can't focus enough to listen to the words. He's never thought being pilot would put him through this, but then that's because he's never thought about the implications of being a pilot with someone else.

Total trust, total commitment, the academy had reiterated time and time again.

Lavi thought he understood what that meant, but that was before he let someone into his mind, and entered into someone else's. He knows that he knows Kanda more than anyone else except Alma, even if he's only met the person for a couple of weeks.

Total trust, total commitment.

He's seen almost everything of Kanda's memories, he's felt almost everything of Kanda's, and he's understood very inch of who Kanda is.

It's inevitable that he falls for him, with that knowledge.

The funny thing is, he's still not a pilot.

-(don't) follow the white rabbit-

A/N: Posted a day earlier than intended because I have another LaviYuu fic coming up over the weekend. It'll be a one shot, so look out for it!

And so, the whole reason why I wrote this fic: ghost drifting. I'm obviously taking a lot of liberties with the trope. You'll probably understand why within the next few chapters :D

I'm not too sure whether all that implied self pleasure should rate this fic to M, but it'll get more explicit later on anyway…