A/N: Last chapter! Short, I know, but there's a tiny epilogue for this story :D
-(don't) follow the white rabbit-
Allen finds him after three days. "Lavi—! Hey, wait up!"
The redhead has been avoiding everyone ever since Kanda left him alone in the conn-pad. He needed to be alone to nurse the hurt caused by his co-pilot—and god, the thought of Kanda rejecting him was just humiliation and pain to the highest degree. Maybe the rest understand, because they don't force interaction with him when he appears in the café to bring food back up to his room. He doesn't even know why he bothers, considering he has no appetite. Maybe it's because the more he stays cooped up in his room, the longer he stares at his door wishing that Kanda would be on the other side of it.
"Lavi!" Allen catches him by the arm, looking concerned. "I know you want to be alone but this isn't the way to deal with it."
Lavi looks away, ashamed. He tugs his arm back and walks at a slower pace down the corridor. "I'm fine."
"You haven't taken a look at yourself, have you?" Allen peers at him.
He isn't wearing his usual bandanna anymore, nor has he bothered to adjust his eye-patch that's slipping slightly out of place. His clothes are wrinkled and crumpled, and his hair is in disarray. There is no smile adorning his normally cheerful face.
"I'll be fine," Lavi manages a weak smile. "I just..." he takes a deep breath. "I miss them. Krory and Miranda."
Allen looks at the ceiling and sighs. "Me too."
"And Yuu," Lavi murmurs, voice cracking. He stops in his tracks, defeated as he leans against the wall of the corridor. "A-allen," he begins again, squeezing his fists tight. "Please help me. Please."
Allen hovers worriedly, unsure whether to touch the redhead.
"I…I miss him. I miss him so much," Lavi confesses, voice tight with desperation.
He sinks to the floor and curls up, uncaring of how pathetic he looks, because he feels much worse.
"Lavi," Allen panics, quickly squatting and petting his back in slow moving circle. "Lavi, it's okay. It's okay."
"I'm going crazy," Lavi utters, lips trembling. "I can't deal with this alone anymore. I…I-I can't. I can't," he murmurs. "I can't eat. I can't sleep. I don't know what to do anymore," he begs, pressing his fist over his chest where it hurts like a bullet through his heart. "Please help me. Please."
"You need Kanda," Allen twists his lips into a grimace, hands still trying to comfort him. "Only he can help you."
"He won't help me," Lavi shakes his head, miserable. "He doesn't want me," It hurts even more to say it out loud. "But I know he does. In the drift—I saw, I saw everything," he continues, hushed but frantic. "We fit together, Allen. I've never felt like this about anyone in my life, I-I—…I need him. He needs me. I can help him, I know I can. But he doesn't want it. How does that even work?" he cries, frustrated.
"…I never should have drifted with him," he says finally, voice hoarse, palm furiously wiping his good eye as his vision blurs with tears.
Allen swallows, but all he can do is to tell the redhead, "It's okay, Lavi. It'll be okay."
"Kanda," Allen raps on Kanda's door incessantly. "Kanda, open up. I know you're in there. You haven't left your room in three days. Kanda!" he calls again. "Open up, or I'll get Komui to open your door with the master key."
He continues knocking because he knows that the sound will eventually irritate the pilot enough to at least tell him to go away, or he would just go find Komui. Sure enough after ten minutes—Allen curses how stubborn and stupid his friend can be, wincing at how sore his knuckles are, the door swings violently open.
"What do you want, Moyashi," Kanda snarls, hand gripping the door tight.
Allen notices how on edge Kanda is, hair spilling over his shoulder in a low ponytail. The pilots' eyes are sharp with agitation. Allen glares, grabbing Lavi who is sitting miserably while waiting by the collar.
"Take him," he pushes Lavi right into Kanda, causing both of them to stumble backwards.
"Fuck—"
"You made him your co-pilot which means you are responsible for him," Allen hisses. "You know how bad ghost drifting is for first time pilots. Don't be a fucking dick, Kanda," he ploughs on when he sees that Kanda wants to retort. "I don't care if you have some issues with yourself to work over but Lavi is suffering because of you. You saw how bad it was for him with just the drift. It was his first neural handshake," he emphasises. "You had Alma to help you through yours. He only has you now. You know how he's feeling. Help him or else," he states, levelling a last look. "I suspect you need to help yourself too."
Allen slams the door shut behind him when he leaves.
Kanda stares at it for a few moments before switching his gaze to Lavi, who stands a few paces away with his head bowed.
"Usagi."
"Don't throw me out. Please don't throw me out," Lavi whispers, clenching his fists tight.
He can feel Kanda's presence radiating from this distance and he doesn't know how long his self control will last. He lets his eyes rake over the pilot, drinking in as greedily as he can at the sight of Kanda in front of him, real, for once. Kanda is beautiful and Lavi's fingers jerk, mouth turning dry.
Kanda watches the redhead gaze at him with his pupil dilated so large that Kanda can't really pick out the normal emerald green.
"Take off your shirt," he says finally.
"Wha—?"
"Take off your shirt," he repeats, impatient.
Kanda pulls off his own, and he knows Lavi is watching every movement he makes with barely concealed restraint. Lavi hurries to follow Kanda's example even though he doesn't know why. When his shirt is in his hands he finds Kanda right in front of him barging into his personal space.
Instead of jumping the man, he panics and his shirt drops to the floor—he can't help but stare at Kanda's mouth, breath passing over his own. He can touch Kanda if he wants to, but he's afraid it's another dream. He doesn't want to wake up and realise it's not real. He doesn't think he can take it.
"Usagi," Kanda mutters, bringing a palm to his cheek.
Lavi trembles when Kanda touches him, slowly, fingers ghosting over his jawline and then around his neck. With an annoyed sigh, Kanda embraces him.
It's a shock, because it's a stark contrast to how the pilot has been treating him since they've met not counting the time they shared a bed. This is the side of Kanda Lavi only ever sees in the drift. Lavi moans quietly, sinking into it, resting his own hands around Kanda's hips.
Kanda's bare skin feels like home. This is so much better than the dreams he has. Kanda smells a million times more addictive and he unconsciously buries his nose into the other's neck, breathing in deeply with his eye closed. Kanda holds him for a long time, unmoving, until Lavi stirs with his head clearer than it has been since they piloted the Jaeger. He turns his head on Kanda's shoulder, unwilling to give up any sort of space between him, and watches Kanda staring ahead with an unreadable expression.
When Kanda notices that Lavi is staring, he immediately moves to drop the embrace, but Lavi pulls him before the pilot can step back. He is so close to Kanda's mouth now, and doesn't stop himself from leaning forward to claim it.
The pilot lets him brush their lips together, but he refuses to open his mouth to deepen it any further.
"Lavi," Kanda warns, tone dangerous when Lavi pushes Kanda against the wall in an effort to kiss him harder.
Lavi curls his fingers against Kanda's waist. "I saw you," he begins, voice hoarse. "You said my name," he meets Kanda's eyes pleadingly.
"Mistake."
"It wasn't," Lavi snaps. "Fuck—Yuu, I know it wasn't," he says in a hushed tone. "I was in the drift with you for hours. I know you."
"You think you know me," Kanda states harshly. "Stop thinking that you do."
Lavi doesn't understand. Something happened right after they disconnected and he doesn't get what Kanda is thinking.
"I know you," he repeats, cupping Kanda's face into his palms. "I love you," he whispers, reverent. "Let me love you, Yuu."
Kanda stands, stone still, and Lavi takes the chance to kiss him again, to show him. He manages to slip his tongue into the other's mouth, coaxing Kanda to kiss him back. He can love Kanda as much as Alma did. He can fill the hole that exists in Kanda. He can help him, but only if Kanda lets him. He presses Kanda harder and harder against the wall with every shaking desire to kiss him deeper, until Kanda makes a sound from the back of his throat and starts fighting for dominance.
Kanda is a warrior, and it shows by how intense Kanda kisses. Lavi feels like his soul is being dominated. Their tongues and teeth clash heatedly, Kanda starts to push them backwards until the back of Lavi's knees hit the bed and he tumbles back down, grabbing Kanda to ensure that they don't break apart.
He touches Kanda everywhere—he wants to soak in as such as he can of Kanda above him. He gasps for air when Kanda breaks the kiss and latches his mouth to Lavi's throat, and bites.
The feeling sears into his skin, and he remembers all the dreams of Kanda on top of him, working his way slowly, taking him apart piece by piece until he's shaking and begging and he immediately groans at how hard he becomes. It seems like Kanda notices because he reaches a hand down to cup Lavi's erection through his pants and his hips arches off the bed.
"You jerked off on my bed," Kanda growls out, increasing the pressure.
Lavi flushes with humiliation, but it makes him even harder. "Sorry, I couldn't help it, I—" then he stops. "You knew before the drift," he says, eye wide.
Kanda stares at him. "I smelt it."
If possible, Lavi blushes even deeper. He had high tailed out of the room after he realised he what he had done, forgetting about the fact that he probably stained the sheets. He opens his mouth to apologise again, but then he sees Kanda burning his gaze upon him—the look is exactly the same as the dreams where Kanda keeps him on the edge and refuses to make him come no matter what he begs, like a punishment.
"You made me come twice," Kanda whispers into his ear, voice low and erotic, ending the sentence with a slow run of his upper lip along Lavi's ear. "You will pay for it."
Lavi shudders at the sinful promise, adam's apple bobbing with nervousness. Kanda grabs his wrists and pulls it up above his head, pinning it down forcefully. The redhead's eye widens but he doesn't struggle. Unconsciously his legs spread out wider when the other shoves a leg in between and leans further forward. He bucks his hips forward when Kanda presses against his erection.
The pilot watches his reaction intently, measured and calculating.
"In your dreams," he starts eventually. "You like it when I don't let you come."
"No—no," Lavi protests. "I want to! I want—" he breaks off with a moan when Kanda presses against his bulge harder.
"Let's test that. Even when you beg for it," Kanda smirks, speaking right into his ear. "I won't let you come."
Lavi seizes up in fear but the other half of him is ready to come just like that with Kanda's voice. In his dreams he feels like he loses himself completely to Kanda when it happens—he isn't sure how it'd be like in real life.
Kanda doesn't bother with going slow. He anchors Lavi down by the wrists so tightly that Lavi knows there will be bruises tomorrow. Kanda reaches straight for his erection and wraps a hand around it, collecting the precome leaking with his thumb. The whimper that tears from Lavi's throat is just the first of many that is to follow.
The hand pumps him in a frustratingly slow pace. Lavi feels that his cock is throbbing with the amount of blood rushed to it, and he impatiently tries to buck his hips to feel more of that delicious friction but Kanda pins his thighs down with his weight.
Kanda doesn't kiss him. The pilot just watches as his moans get increasingly more desperate.
"Yuu—faster, please—ah…hahh…oh god, please—"
But Kanda doesn't heed to his pleading. The hand still goes at its leisurely pace. Lavi's arms start to tremble as a slow tight coil begins inside of him. He bares his neck in a show of submission, breaths getting heavier.
"I need more," he begs. "Please. Yuu—ngh—please—"
The movement does speed up this time, and Lavi almost regrets it because it brings up further up to the edge but it's not enough to tip him over. He knows how incredibly shameless he looks like, panting and moaning with his hands restricted all under Kanda's scrutiny, but that's a small issue compared to how much his cock is leaking. His back muscles are strained so tightly he's sure he's going to snap anytime soon.
His hoarse voice starts to edge into desperation. "—hah—let me come—please, Yuu—let me—"
"Why should I?" Kanda asks, deliberately slowing the pace again, and then he stops cruelly at the base where he tightens his hold. "Convince me."
"I need you to—I-I…please…anything," he gasps out, trying to shove his hips up to no avail. "Anything you want."
Lavi locks his gaze with Kanda, face flushed with humiliation but body splayed out like an offering. He doesn't care what else Kanda wants to do with him. He just wants to come. His thighs tremble violently when Kanda move his hand up just by one inch, and tears slide down the side of his face when he realises Kanda isn't done teasing him. The pilot is making good on his word with what he promised.
"You don't come until I do," Kanda breathes darkly, releasing the hold around his cock. "Or I'll keep you begging for an hour."
Lavi bites his lip hard in the effort to obey the order. It takes all of him to keep it in, especially when he sees Kanda move his hand to touch himself. This time, Lavi sees how Kanda's eyelids flutter close in pleasure, how his mouth parts to let out a hot pull of breath. He doesn't know whether to watch Kanda's expression or the way that his hand works expertly over himself, and Kanda has to be hard enough before he started because it ends quickly.
Kanda has his head pressed against the bed next to Lavi's when he tenses up open mouthed, groaning a syllable that Lavi has heard before in the drift.
The knowledge that it's his name that Kanda breathes out that pushes him over.
When he finally collapses back on the bed, Kanda collapses likewise on him. Together the sound of their heavy breathing is all that fills the room, as well as the smell of what they had just done. Lavi lies dazed. He hasn't felt this right in his life ever.
"Yuu?" he murmurs, running a hand into the raven hair.
"Shut up," Kanda mutters back. "I'm tired."
The backlash of adrenaline hits them both hard, and Lavi only registers him pulling Kanda closer by the waist before he blacks out.
When Lavi wakes up hours later, Kanda isn't there. He stretches his arms out and feels the surface of the bed, burying his head back onto the pillow to smell Kanda's scent. He is disappointed, of course he is, but he knows Kanda has a routine of going to practice on the mat at six every morning. The clock on the bedside table reads past nine.
He already feels a morning wood situation occurring but he shakes himself out of it because he doesn't want Kanda to see him jerking off on his bed again when they drift. Instead he lets himself survey Kanda's room—bare with just the necessities, and lies for a few more indulgent minutes before he drags himself back across his own room to bathe.
When he stands outside his door an hour later, his first thought is to find Kanda.
It's ridiculous how dependent he is on Kanda when he realises it, but as Allen has said, he isn't his own person anymore. It will forever feel like a piece of himself is missing when he's not drifting with Kanda, but the ache has lessened after the extended contact last night, so it just throbs dull and bearable.
He lets his own feet move, knowing for some reason that they'll take him to where Kanda is. But the closer that he finds himself getting to the local command centre, the icier his stomach plunges. He sees Kanda, Allen, Lenalee and Komui standing in a circle outside the glass door when he rounds the last corridor, but Komui's voice makes him halt in his tracks and retreat backward, hiding behind the wall.
"Lavi's predicted that the next wave is in just a week. We lost two Jaegers in the last battle. The next one will be the final one. We need you and Lavi to do some practice runs."
"What for?" Kanda asks, sounding defensive. "We took both fucking akumas down. We're fine."
"Even so, we just want to ensure your synchro rate stays stable. There's no harm in it."
"No," Kanda refuses.
"Kanda…" Lenalee frowns when Komui looks to her with a resigned sigh. "What's wrong? Don't you want to get into the drift with Lavi at the very least?"
"I am not going into the drift with him until I have to."
Lavi feels a stab of hurt at how harsh Kanda growls the statement out. More than anything Lavi wants to drift with him again. It's a process that makes them complete. It signifies and strengthens. Total trust, total commitment.
"Kanda, don't be ridiculous," Allen frowns. "He's your co-pilot."
"My co-pilot is dead," Kanda snaps, and everyone falls silent. "I don't need another."
I don't need another dead one, he means, and Allen sees through that perfectly.
"You're—you dense prick," the white haired boy grits his teeth in frustration. "If you need Lavi now, it's not a bad thing. He can help you."
"He can't help me."
"He can!" Allen retorts. "Why are you so stubborn? You just have to let him in!"
"He can't!" Kanda yells, losing his temper. "You won't understand because you will never understand," he snarls. "You don't know how it's like to have your partner ripped out from you while you're still connected. When you have Lenalee screaming for you to save her with her blood on your hands and you can do nothing but watch," he snaps back harshly. "As she's crushed in front of you, then, then you talk to me about this."
Lenalee is holding Allen's hand tightly from that display of emotion, face pressed against her co-pilot's shoulder as Allen rubs her back comfortingly. All of them look stricken, and they have nothing to say in response because Kanda is right, not one of them will know how much Alma's death affected him.
Not one of them, except Lavi.
"I understand," Lavi says when he steps out towards them, breaking the tension. "I was there. I mean, in the drift."
Immediately everyone's eyes flicker to the large bruise on his neck courtesy of Kanda, but he ignores that.
"You tried to kill yourself three times," he continues, stepping close to Kanda. "A week after Alma was taken away, by a bullet to your mouth. Then, two months later, with a bullet to your head. And then, six months later, you tried to hang yourself," he states. "But someone found you in time."
Kanda looks away at the words, jaw clenched.
"You think God doesn't want to let you die before you do what you have to do," Lavi says, now within reaching distance of him. "That's why you came back. You planned to try again after it's all over," as he speaks, the puzzle falls into place.
It starts to add up. Why Kanda is so cruel to him, rejects him, denies him. Tells him what he feels is a delusion, it's not real, it's because of Alma. It's because the pilot doesn't want him to be attached.
"You just didn't expect me," he murmurs.
"You're wrong," Kanda denies, and Lavi knows he's lying. "Yesterday was a mistake. I don't need you."
Lavi ignores it. "Stay with me, Yuu," he says instead. "Alma wouldn't have wanted this."
Kanda glares back at him. "You don't know anything—"
"I do," Lavi speaks hushed over him. "You know I do."
They stand a hand width apart, alone. The rest probably edged away to give them some semblance of privacy, though the fact that they're standing right in front of the local command centre where the technical division can see them isn't much.
Lavi reaches to touch Kanda but the pilot turns and walks away before the contact.
"Yuu—"
"Stupid rabbit," Kanda mutters, but his pace is slow enough for Lavi to walk beside him. "If you die, I'll follow."
Kanda is too ready for death, Lavi thinks, and he grabs the other to stop him in his tracks. Before Kanda can say anything, he kisses the man right in the corridor, uncaring of who walks past.
"I won't let you," he whispers against Kanda's lips, kissing him again. "I won't."
"You always wanted to go back to Japan," Lavi says when they're suited up a week later, ready to face four akumas this time.
It doesn't matter if they're all category fives. It doesn't matter if this is the last battle. It doesn't matter if the plan is ridiculously complicated and their chance of success is just hope.
"Let's go. And to France too, to see Tiedoll's family. After it's over," he looks over to his beautiful co-pilot. "We can go anywhere you want."
Kanda pauses, and stares at the helmet in his hands for a moment. "Los Angeles. For your family."
He fixes on his helmet because he doesn't want to see Lavi beaming at him like he's the sun coming down to earth. It makes his heart flutter in stupid ways, like how Alma's cheesy grin did the same. He takes a deep breath, readying himself as the relay gel clears.
"You miss him," Lavi states from beside him.
It's just a simple fact that Lavi feels like he has to say.
"I see him in the drift," Kanda replies.
"Let's visit him then," Lavi smiles, lying back. "Together."
"Initiating the drift," Reever says over them. "Three. Two. One."
Kanda closes his eyes and lets the drift takes him. It's going to be a long and hard battle, but Lavi is with him.
For the first time he doesn't want to die.
He wants to live.
When they open their eyes, Alma laughs.
Let's take those bitches down.
No problem.
--(don't) follow the white rabbit-
Fin.