January 18th, 1897
Ten days passed since that night which will forever haunt me. Perhaps I will only ever think of it as a haunting, because its memory is still so fresh in my mind that it feels as though it only transpired last night. Yet, to spite the clarity of this hindsight, so many parts of what I remember is clouded in such a heavy fog, I've begun to wonder if that night happened ages ago.
As I sit here writing this, I take solace in the fact I am blessedly without interruption.
In the days since that night, both Raoul and the man I came to know as Nadir Khan ~the Persian~ were most insistent that I stay with Raoul in his lovely estate just beyond the city. To spite its gilded glory, I felt as caged there as I did beneath the opera. Everywhere I ventured beyond my room, either a maid or Raoul was there with me. I was beginning to feel they followed me more than Erik ever did.
I found the strength to fight for my own scrap of freedom so I may regain my last little piece of sanity. I need time alone, to think, to write out my own thoughts without fear of intrusion from anyone.
At last, I am alone in my own little flat down the street from the opera. Its very location was a reason why they refused to let me be alone for more than a few precious moments. I needed this.
I am free for this space of time…
Christine paused in the strokes of her pen, setting it aside to flex her hand and work out the bits of stiffness that began to impede the fluidity of her cursive. She lifted her gaze to the opera, at least, the small corner not yet obscured by the span of buildings between them. With her heart heavy and her mind adrift in this vast sea of emotion and insecurities, she struggled to find her way across it without a star or compass to guide her.
All she had to guide her and give her clarity– if she was ever so lucky –was a pen and parchment to sort through the waves.
She turned back to her journal and began again.
I miss him…
Oh God, how I miss him and his dark, macabre ways. I cannot help myself but wonder if he is still in that majestic edifice that changed so much of my life and how I perceive it in each thoughtful moment of a passing day.
Things did not end between us as they should have. I never even had a chance to say good-bye.
Why did he have to love me?