The Fertile Five (Janeway and Chakotey's nickname for the pregnant crew) did not give their Captain much time to prepare for the new crewmembers. There were down to only 3 months left to implement operation fleet baby. Final decisions were being made on quarters, child care and safety issues. The Captain involved herself in every aspect of the planning.
"Captain, I am not sure having the nursery directly across from your quarters is the best placement." Chakotay was exasperated by Janeway's decision.
"Commander, the children need certain accommodations. We can not put a play area, bathtub and kitchen in every crew quarters. If we started down that road every couple on board would be expecting just for the tub! The families will have a shared space and then we only need to add a few amenities to the individual quarters. The VIP suite will work perfectly."
Chakotay shook his head. "Captain everyone knows your sleeping habits are less then perfect."
Janeway arched an eyebrow at his presumption but allowed him to continue.
"Traffic up and down this hallway will be huge and right past your door. Crying babies and later rambunctious toddlers make a lot of noise. The constant traffic at all hours will also limit your privacy"
With steal in her voice Janeway responded "Thank you for your concerns Commander they are duely noted. Please assign Ensign Wildman to the redecorating of the new family room and I will requsition extra sound proofing for my quarters."
Regretting her harsh tone the Captain laid her hand on his sholder and continued. "It is the safest spot on the ship. Traffic is low so it will cause the least disruption to the general crew. I don't think we need someone from engineering tripping over an escaped toddler while moving heavy equiptment. Imagine a hungry baby in the mess hall waiting for it's parent's turn at the replicator. Do we really need that at the start of our day? Nothing about this situation is perfect. We just need to work with the Delta Quadrant compromises that we have become so good at."
Chakotay smiled a resigned smile as he nodded in acquiescence. "Well I guess we have all the details worked out. The ones we can foresee anyway. Ensign Tal and I are arranging parental duty shifts so that child care will mostly consist of parental supervision. We will also provide some daycare opportunities. Celes has really found her calling."
Janeway smiled, "that's the best part of all of this. Celes needed a place where she can excel and Seven needed a change of personnel. A win all around."
"Kathryn," Chakotay said hesitantly.
Janeway took a deep breath. When he said Kathryn it meant a personal conversation was coming.
"You have seemed pensive lately. I know we have gotten passed the upset with the Kintaday situation, but is there something else? Something I can do to help?"
"No, Chakotay. Though I did try to take some of your last advice concerning closer relationships"
"And?" he replied
She shook her head. "Couldn't get the uniform off."
He chuckled at her metiphor. "Zipper stuck?"
She punched him in the shoulder. "Nope, damn thing is painted on!"
"Commander." She used his rank to let him know it was back to work, not personal concerns. "I have had some thinking to do, some decissions to make."
"I see Captain, and have you come to any conclusions?"
"I have. Let's go to staff meeting and you can tell me if they were good ones."
Each member of the senior staff gave their report. All of them were aware that their captain was a little distracted. When they were finished Janeway rose to her feet. She looked around the room and then began to speak, more quietly then usual.
"As star fleet officers we are all aware of the rules both written and unwritten. Most of them are good rules based on sound principals. However there are times when adhering to them may do more harm then good." She glanced around the room at the quizzical looks from her senior crew.
"It has been pointed out to me that there are things in my logs which will be disseminated to the general public at home. These things have not been brought to the crew's attention. I am, however, sure that they are already being debated in the Alpha quadrant. I need to address this before we get home. Important information should come from us, not some civilian in a bar" The Captain looked around the room again making eye contact with each member of her senior staff.
"Computer play Captain's log Janeway alpha"
Janeway's voice, sounding shaky in a way that no one had ever experienced was heard over the staff room com.
"Today I was actually afraid. I was afraid of a member of my own crew. It happened so fast I didn't have time to register his name or if he was Maquis or Starfleet. His voice was full of anger as he yelled at me."
"Do you know what today is Captain?" The man was storming down the corridor towards me.
"It is my sons 10th birthday; I have planed for this day for so long. Double digits and I am not there, damn you! My family tradition makes this the most celebrated day of his life. As Children we spend years dreaming of our birthday wish. On our ninth birthday the wish is announced. Parents have a year to prepare to make it come true." Angry tears were falling down his face.
"You have taken that away from me. One order to fire and our lives are ruined. One order to fire and you took away our only chance to go home."
"He was so close to me I could feel his breath. He moved in until we were truly nose to nose. It took all that I had not to step back, not to show fear. I was shocked. I am shocked." Janeway could be heard taking a moment to sip her coffee before she continued.
"The crew thinks the array could have gotten us home. My entire crew is incensed with me due to misinformation. Many of my engineers saw the array, they were on it. How did they miss the facts? How could they not know that the array, while an incredible piece of technology, was only an amplifier for the Caretakers power? Didn't they realize that it was him, not the array, who could have sent us home? With him dead the technology was of no use to us. Firing on the array was the right decision. It kept the Kazon from technology that was impressive. By destroying the array we helped keep the Ocompa safe. But fire or not we would still be here."
There was a pause in the log as Janeway obviously was collecting her thoughts. "Do I tell them? How would it help if I do? Even if it could have sent us home I would have destroyed it. It was the right thing to do." The listening staff could almost see Janeway rubbing her forehead.
"The crew is united in their anger at me. A united crew is good. Believing the array would have taken us home seems to give them hope. Hope that there is a technology somewhere that could get us home. I guess a united crew with hope is the best I could hope for under these circumstances." There was another moment of silence, another sip of coffee.
"I suppose it really doesn't matter if they know or not. I would have given the order to fire either way." A small, tired sigh could be heard before she continued.
"I will just leave it lie. A Captain should never justify her decisions to her crew. Computer end log."
If there was ever such a thing as a loud silence it existed in the conference room at that moment. The senior staff was staring at Janeway in surprise. Seven and Tuvok were amazed that the captain would be so open as to share the information in such a personal way. The rest were dumbfounded by the information itself.
As Kathryn expected, Chakotay was the first to break the silence. His voice held anger as well as sympathy. "All these years you carried the blame and the burden. Why did you not confide in us? Why did you not trust us and the rest of your crew?"
Janeway's face held a sarcastic smile as she answered in an unpleasant voice. "Hmm let's see, I was sent to arrest a criminal and instead I find myself commissioning his entire crew. Then I make said criminal my first officer. I can't imagine why there would be some caution there. Maybe I could confide in the nice young man flying my ship. I sprung him from prison and now he is my chief pilot. Of course one half my crew is angry at him for pledging allegiance to Maquis and the other half for his realignment with Star Fleet. What about my brand new ensign at ops. Should his first lesson in command be that the Captain can whine if the crew doesn't like her decision? Do you need me to continue? Who exactly could I confide in? Who could I trust?"
Janeway's response was a surprise even to her self. She did not expect to feel anger. She didn't know why she was angry at them. The nights she spent alone in her cabin, hating her pips, were not their fault. Yet she wanted to blame them for her loneliness just as the crew had wanted to blame her for theirs. She closed her eyes and visibly pulled herself together.
"Eventually we were a true crew. We survived being left on an arid planet while we watched our ship fly away with out us. We worked together to survive and then began to thrive. I did learn to trust and depend on all of you. By that time I just didn't think it mattered. Why pull the scab off of the wound."
"Why now Captain?" B'Elanna asked. "What makes this the right time? I understand that you want to do it before we get home. But what makes today different then yesterday or tomorrow?"
Janeway's face turned up to the ceiling as she took a deep breath. She expelled it slowly as she tried to find an answer. "I am the Captain; every thing that happens on my ship is my responsibility. It is true I didn't bring us here or keep us here. But it is also true that once we were here the responsibility starts and ends with me. Every away mission, every battle every loss are mine. After a while it all got mixed in together. After a while I just owned all of it. In a sense I forgot that neither being here nor staying here was in my control. It seems that while the crew was busy forgiving me for something I didn't do, I was busy blaming myself for the same thing." Janeway walked to the replicator for a fresh cup of coffee.
"I guess I am just tired. We have 5 new crewmembers joining us in a short time. They will grow up on Voyager and learn our story, their story. I just…" her voice trailed off.
When she spoke next it was in the clear comfortable voice that the staff had always associated with their confidant leader. A voice that they hadn't heard since meeting the Kintaday. "I am done now. This was not intended to be therapy, though I am sure you would all make excellent ship's councilors. You are now aware of the facts and all that I care to share about my decisions. You know the people who serve under you. I am sure you can find the right way to pass on the pertinent information." She gave them her famous crooked smile as she toasted them with her coffee cup.
"Let me know how it goes," she said. And with out a backward glance she left the room.