A/N: my deepest thanks for reading and reviewing! You guys are the best and I'm happy this story brings you so much joy!
That evening they had spent acting almost as if they were a normal couple rattled her. She spent the next days keeping her distance from him, interacting no more than strictly necessary at work, pretending to be engrosses in news of war during her few breaks. Said war was dragging on, lagging on in short skirmishes there and here, but overall, it had dissolved into a stalemate. Though no peace was in sight, Carol was relieved the Federation was no longer enduring the painful losses of before.
Khan was looking into improving the shields of the new Dreadnought-class vessels, the prototype of which had already been tested. She was calibrating the navigational system of his long-range torpedoes, should they need to be fired outside previously mapped space. He also wanted her to assist with the development of installations necessary for the colony to start making commercial use of the planet's surprisingly vast resources. She had agreed and if he noticed that in between she did her best to avoid him, he didn't mention it.
Khan was looking into the future. Regardless of how the relations with the Federation progressed, the star-base would not be on the planet indefinitely. If the colony wanted to acquire further technology, all they had to do was develop a few of the many things in demand on the intergalactic market and they would find enough warp capable species out there willing to sell them just about anything. Carol didn't begrudge them their success and saw no reason not to do her part, when she could.
She needed time to process. After she had freely offered her help, even against Starfleet itself, she thought he didn't need to continue to use their intimate relationship to manipulate her into doing his bidding. But he could be doing it just for the ego trip, to be proved right about her coming back to him crawling. If that were true, then he would be making some attempt at humiliating her. However, he was doing the exact opposite. He didn't taunt her and whenever he asked for her opinion, he sounded truly interested and intently listened to what she had to say.
Still it was hard to take him at face value. She was positive that he wasn't faking his physical attraction to her, but other than that, all bets were off. She mentally wen through all her Academy psych training trying to piece together a portrait of him. Only a few months ago it would have seem preposterous, but lately she had begun to wonder if perhaps he wasn't lonely, too. If only a little. She was sure he hadn't had anything resembling a romantic connection in all the time she had known him.
Of all the Augments, he intimidated everyone at the starbase the most and Carol couldn't say she found fault with that reaction. There was a princely quality to him and he was commanding and imperious to a degree nobody else among his people managed. She hadn't noted him giving any special preference to anyone among the Augments, either. On the contrary. He went out of his way to treat them equally, while at the same time making sure he was everything they needed at any given time: a friend, a brother, a father. Through it all, he remained their commander, but oddly enough for someone so violent and driven, his authority came mostly from the care he showed them and relied heavily on their voluntary following his lead.
Carol, who on her father's side came from a long military tradition, could respect that. She also appreciated the fact that his door was always open for any of his people's issues, no matter how trivial, day or night. When he wasn't working tirelessly to give Starfleet weapons so it would leave the Augments alone or wasn't dealing with the many problems of the budding colony, he lived very modestly. Her own quarters in their shared house were larger and much more comfortably-appointed than his. The only eccentricity, if it could be called that, he allowed himself was the collection of old-fashioned, paperback books that had accompanied the Augments from the 20th century on board the Botany Bay. Even those he lent generously both to her and his fellow colonists.
It wasn't out of the realm of possibility that all these responsibilities rested too heavily even on his superhuman shoulders. Maybe even he was lonely sometimes and wanted to reach out to the only person he wasn't obligated to. If one discounted the fact that they were formally married. It was something she could relate to as much, even as she feared it was wishful thinking on her part. An offer of help born out of principle could be rescinded on that just as quickly. A besotted admiral's daughter would make a much more useful tool in his mind games with Starfleet Command. At the end of the day, she simply did not know enough about him to get an inkling either way.
Khan's utter disregard for material possessions came in direct contradiction with what she knew from history about him plundering riches. Though not the most objective of sources, either, she figured it couldn't hurt to get his people's perspective, too. Anyway, she wanted to try another rapprochement with them, this one coming exclusively from her, and showed them she bore them no ill will. She started small by attempting to befriend those with whom she had to interact as part of her helping with technical matters on the colony. Then she visited Joaquin and Ling to see their baby. Khan's second-in-command was mistrustful to the point of hostility, but Ling tolerated her much better.
She had expected Mai to be more open, given her relationship with a regular human, but instead the Augment seemed to dislike her the most. It took Carol a while, but finally she put the bits and pieces of overheard information together in order to work out an explanation. While the majority of the Augments were in their thirties and even early forties, Mai was in her mid-twenties, and Khan had practically raised her since she was a little girl. So Carol suspected Mai held her responsible for the the sins of the Admiral against the only father figure the young Augment had had.
It made perfect sense. These people were the direct result of genetic engineering. They had no real families and their relations with other humans had been violent, marked by rejection and the constant threat of exploitation. All they had was each other. It was no wonder they were so tight-knit and so weary of letting anyone new in. Besides, they had such history together and so many traditions only they knew, it truly wasn't easy to fit in. Especially for her, who had been born in a radically different world. She didn't even have the edge of being a member of a secret organization operating outside the norm the Section 31 agents on the base had. She suspected it was this very sense of being an outlaw that had initially facilitated their bonding with the Augments.
Then she caught a break from the person she had least expected it. Kati had both the allure and the attitude of the proverbial ice queen. She was also in the process of updating her antiquated knowledge of botanics, which was easily and rapidly done for someone with an Augment's intelligence and memory, and in charge of maintain the colony's hydroponic gardens. Aside from that, she was delightfully quirky and ready to overlook any suspicion to quiz Carol about the most innocuous details of her version of Earth. Suddenly a dam burst open and although the Augments didn't take an instant liking to her, they did seem to accept her better, once Kati had befriended her.
Khan didn't interfere or express an opinion on Carol's socializing with his people, obviously leaving them to make their own determinations about her, and continued to pay no heed to her avoiding being left alone with him. His calm could well come from the reality that it was now more difficult than ever for her to maintain her distance. More often than not she found herself in his office on the colony discussing one matter or the other with him. Usually they were not alone with at least Joaquin there to keep her on her toes with his blatant distrust.
But then there was the odd exception. Like now. However, the fact that she was alone with Khan in his office in the Augment political center ranked low on his list of concerns in the face of her exhaustion and the rush to finish the calculations she was running in time. She had been working for the equivalent of a double-shift both at the starbase and on the colony all the while striving to keep up with the Augments' grueling pace and she felt as if her body was physically coming apart at the seams. She was all but mentally urging her muscles to stay bound together, even as she fought off a splitting head-ache. Her eyes were dry and gritty and she blinked all the time, trying to keep her focus on the numbers, while forcing numb fingers to glide smoothly over the console.
His cool, low-baritone voice pointed out a tiny error she had made and Carol had to bite her tongue not to lash at him. Working with the other Augments was taxing enough, but his rhythm was just unbearable and she got frustrated a lot easier than she would have liked. If he slowed down so she could catch up, she felt insulted without even meaning to. When she sped up, she missed on minutia. It was only worse on days like this when fatigue made her slip. But there were no signs of derision on his somber face and so she swallowed her indignation, before she said something unfair and made a fool of herself.
"Why don't I finish here so you can go home?" he asked benevolently after a while. "You have been working for over eighteen hours."
Carol had to stifle a yawn at the thought of rest. "It's fine. I'm almost done anyway," she responded without pausing in her work.
He said nothing more but stood up and walked out of the room. Not bothering herself with the oddity of it, she braved through until an aroma she had thought lost to her wafted into her nostrils upon his return. Coffee. Freshly brewed real coffee. There was no mistaking it for the synthesized swirl that now made her stomach cramp at the mere memory. Her head snapped up as if of its own accord. He was stalking up to her, a transparent mug filled with the heavenly dark liquid in his right hand.
"I had Kati grow a few plants for you," he explained handing her the cup. "As you can imagine, it's not a very popular drink among us."
Carol's fingers were shaking as she took the proffered mug from him, holding it as if it were precious and in truth, it was. She pressed her palms around it, enjoying the warmth seeping into her skin. "Oh, I can imagine," she said grinning at him. "And please don't ever take it up yourself. I can barely keep up with you as it is."
"You are doing well enough," he replied looking her straight in the face. It was both a realistic assessment and a compliment and Carol felt like slapping herself, because she could swear from the heating of her cheeks that she was blushing.
"Thank you," she said lifting the mug a bit, though her thanks actually encompassed the praise as well.
To save herself from further embarrassment she hunched over the cup, burying her nose in the fragrant vapors and inhaling deeply. It smelled even better than she remembered. She took a sip. Normally she added a bit of sugar and the occasional cream, but right now she wanted to savor the full-bodied bitterness of the drink. She treated herself to some more before returning to her unfinished task on the console. When she looked, her calculations had already been done.
She glanced at Khan, who looked engrossed in his own work, safe for the tiny smile underlining the perfect bow of his lips. She opened her mouth to protest, but both his gestures had been sweet, she was still so very tired and besides, if she were honest with herself, all she wanted right now was to kiss him. She settled for the third option of quietly finishing her coffee. He looked up at her again, when she was making her excuses to leave.
His expression shifted from inscrutable to one of grim determination that made his prominent facial bones stand up in even sharper contrast. He stood, the sunset rays streaming from the window behind him emphasizing the dark of his clothes and his tall silhouette, and briskly strode to her, stopping so far into her personal space that only a breath separated them, even as he didn't let their bodies actually touch. He tilted his head so he could whisper directly into her ear, his thick, warm voice racking through her and making her skin pucker.
"Would it be easier for you if we pretended you don't have a choice?" His fingers wrapped themselves solidly around her upper arms. His nearness was intoxicating and her senses were already staggering. "After all, I have five times your strength." His words were those of a threat, but his voice caressed them in a way that revealed their true nature: temptation. "You are here all alone, in my power." His body finally made contact with hers, as he pushed her into the nearest wall. "And men like me dare take what they want."
His admission of want, backwards as it was, floored her. She wanted to pretend, just let go and not be forced to ponder intentions, machinations and end results. He had a bedroom just down the corridor, after all, and she had missed him. But it wasn't right. To either of them. She wasn't a victim and he had never given even the smallest indication that he would physically force into anything. Even now, his touch was relatively light, his fingers traveling up her arms to press gently onto her shoulders.
If there were a game of pretense she yearned to play, it was that at least something between them was real, that she was more than political tool or a willing body and that he cared at least a little. She wanted his recent gift to be genuine and not a ploy to lure her in again. It was pathetic and sad and she was despising herself for it, but none of that made it any less true. She didn't know when it had sneaked up on her, whether it was an off-shot of her loneliness or if her own attraction to him had been more of poisoned fruit than she initially believed.
She raised her arms fully intending to push him away, but instead her hands buried themselves into his silky hair, musing it just because they could, and she kissed him desperately. Jumbled thoughts and emotions slammed themselves into her head, further confusing her, even as one emerged as clear: this was the kind of mistake she would later not be able to undo. It was him who broke the kiss, looking at her with the barest hint of a smile on his lips.
Her knees were failing her. Luckily he chose that very instant to pull her close and squeezed her to his chest in an embrace that was surprisingly tender. His breath was once again stroking her right ear. She grasped onto him, anchoring herself in the illusory safety of his arms, waiting for his words to cut her to the bone. But none was forthcoming. Soft lips brushed her temple then slid lower to her cheek. The hands slipping under her top were slow and gentle. Carol arched into his touch, as willing to pretend now as she had once been to forget.
TBC