Of course I was afraid. Afraid to be able to trust someone other than myself.
But so much of me wanted so badly to trust him, needed to trust him, I couldn't even begin to push away the thought of putting myself in another man's hands (literally) and letting him heal me.
I didn't realize it at the time but Cas was gradually sewing the wound caused by my father's mistreatment.
He was letting me become whole again.
He was not only patching me up, but filling in the empty spaces left behind.
Before my mind could wander too far, I heard Sam's voice echo through the house.
"De-an!" He exclaimed urgently. I grinned at the small sing-song quality to his voice.
"Ye-es?" I answered back.
"Come here!" He demanded, all politeness lost along with his patience.
"Yeah yeah hold on." I could feel myself getting caught between two worlds as I looked at Cas, where he tried to seem aloof, but I could tell by the tension in his arms, he was hoping I wouldn't be long.
And I almost wanted to agree, but at the same time I couldn't abandon Sam.
I offered him a hopeful, sympathetic smile and pulled my T-shirt over my head.
"Dean!" Sam shouted, accompanied by a small stomp of foot.
"I'm coming! Jesus, Sam!" I shouted back, hurrying out of Castiel's room and finding my way to where I approximated Sammy's voice was emanating from.
Sam was in one of bedrooms down the hall. I was about to object as to all the reasons he was such a bug baby and overreacted to everything when I noticed the content of the posters hanging on the walls.
"Oh my god." I gasped, feeling my stomach churn because Cas just got so much cooler.
"You like?" Came the older man's voice. I noted that he had followed me, and was now leaning against the door frame, casual as could be.
"Oh my fucking god this is awesome." I swooned, letting out a nervous chuckle because I had no idea what else I could do.
The room was painted crimson red, but you wouldn't really have known on account of the giant flat-screen that covered the wall parallel to the entrance, and the dozens of posters.
Also, the shelves upon shelves filled with movies.
And every last one was a horror flick.
And on each poster graced just about every single one of my favorites.
The movie posters were vintage, to say the least, considering most of them were no older than 1985.
Pet Sematary, The Shining, Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, American Werewolf in Paris, Friday the 13th , The Exorcist. I blinked, almost hoping they'd go away so I could stop being so jealously in love.
"Are you kidding?" I coughed, willing myself to move forward and get a better look.
"Dean loves horror movies." Sam explained with a roll of his eyes.
"You're damn right I do." I retorted, scanning through the movies, in alphabetical order.
"I do too, obviously." Cas piped up, and I had to look back at him to smile, just to show him how much I loved that he did.
"You got a favorite?" I asked, gently running my fingers over each DVD, and taking note of the VHS tapes of all the same movies, on a different shelf. He must be upgrading, I thought.
"Not particularly." He mused, stepping in line beside me, "I'll watch anything." He added.
"I can't believe this," I stated quite honestly, "How many do you have?"
"Ehh…I lost count. Somewhere in the low hundreds." He answered, dusting off his VHS copy of My Bloody Valentine.
"Holy shit." I envied him. I had seen every one of these movies courtesy of the local video rental place, or cheap thrift store copies.
But to own them all was a different story.
He chuckled, his eyes glittering proudly. "I'm so glad you and I have something else in common." He said, looking at me with those lethal eyes, so joyous and free I wanted to live inside of them.
"Me too." I gushed, but nearly jumped from my skin when Sam cleared his throat.
Shit. I forgot he was there.
"I'm going to sleep in the next room over." He announced. "See you in the morning."
And he left quite quickly after that.
"Would you like to watch something?" Castiel offered after Sam had stopped moving around.
"Would I?!" I exclaimed, all awkward brother shaming forgotten.
"Go ahead, you pick."
"Oh boy." I sighed, staring at the stacks of films, trying to find something that jumped out to me.
And then I saw it, Wendigo.
"This new?" I asked, plucking it's plastic case from the shelf.
"Yes, actually!" Cas grinned, "I hadn't gotten a chance to see it yet."
"Well that's perfect then isn't it?"
"Yes, it seems so."
"Then, this one." I held it out to him and he placed it into the DVD player.
In the center of the room was a couch, and placed diagonally on each side were recliners.
But as I snuggled myself down into the folds of the suede couch, I couldn't help but feel forlorn as he sat in one of the chairs instead.
As the previews began, he flicked off the lights.
"Cas?" I spoke as the beginning credits rolled.
"Hm?" He asked, not flickering his attention from the screen. My heart pounded erratically. Was I really that uninteresting?
"…will you sit with me?" I asked, feeling myself break at the thought of him rejecting me. How could I be so dumb? This was two guys watching a horror flick. Not a guy holding his girlfriend so she didn't get scared.
He looked at me though, his eyes searching my face through the dim lighting.
"Of course." He finally said, crawling over the arms of the chair and couch and nesting himself next to me. "You scared?" He teased.
I gently punched his arm. "Shut up.." But I was just relieved he wasn't repulsed by me or something.
"It's okay, I'll hold your wittle hand." He mocked, but as his fingers jokingly slipped between mine I found him so inviting and warm. I didn't let go.
Neither did he.
"Good.." was all I could say, feeling safe with his fingers in mine. Feeling full and flat-out contrary of my typical state of solitude.
We watched the movie in content silence, stopping only when I let my head fall, ever-so-slowly into his chest.
"What's up?" He asked in a hushed whisper.
"I never really had anything like this before…thank you." I answered, so comfortable and complacent in his lap, his masculine scent all around me, his heat blanketing me all around.
"What, a movie room?" He queried with n amused laugh.
"No…a.. a friend." I replied, feeling his gut tighten at my words.
His arm came around and reached over my shoulders, his wrist curving around to touch my cheek.
"Me either." He admitted.