"Pete!" You hiss into the phone when he finally picks up after what feels like forever.
"Myka? What's going on?" He answers distractedly, a video game screaming in the background while you pace the floor of the ridiculously fancy bathroom you've taken refuge in. The room smells like vanilla and all the soap is shaped like sea shells. "I thought you were meeting HG's family tonight. Is everything going okay?"
"Yes. No. I don't know!" You groan, leaning over the sink and blinking at your wild eyed reflection.
"Talk to me, Mykes. What's going on? Did her uncle indecent proposal you? Do I need to kick some British ass?" He asks, all background noise going silent and you roll your eyes, turning on the faucet to make it seem like you're actually using the facilities instead of just having a miniature mental breakdown.
"What? No! Of course not! I-I mean, we talked about school and my-my fencing…"
"Great! Those are the things you're best at!" Pete yelps helpfully and you nod, running your hand through your hair. "I bet they're loving you. They're probably all like…That young woman is quite lovely, indeed. Pip pip! Cheerio! I'll have another spot of tea."
You wince at the awful accent Pete slips into before turning off the water and turning to sit on the closed toilet lid. "I just, I just really want to impress them, ya know? And they're very British so it's a little hard to tell if-if I'm succeeding or…"
"Dude, you really like her." Pete interrupts you and you pause to laminate how little justice his assessment does what you've come to feel for HG in just a few months. "Don't you."
"I do." Is all you sigh, resting your elbows on your knees. "I do."
"Okay. Okay. Hey hey hey! I have an idea but it's a little unconventional so hear me out. Why don't I come over there, pretend I'm a robber and do a fake B&E and then you can swoop in and kick my butt a little. Hit me with that infamous haymaker. You'll save the day then… boom, you're a hero and those Brits are gonna love you without a doubt." He offers and you nod.
"Okay. Okay. That might work." You mutter, standing and pacing again. "I just…"
"Myka, listen to me. I know you and I'm one thousand percent certain that you're already making HG's aunt and uncle fall incredibly, unstoppably in love with you. But, if you want I will dig out my ski mask and go smash in a couple of windows for you. All I ask is that you just try not to donkey kick me in the face, its my most valuable asset."
You stop walking back and forth as the realization of how ridiculous you're being and how ridiculous your best friend is willing to be, sinks in.
"I'm being crazy." You sigh and Pete chuckles a little on the line.
"Just a little." He says. "This may seem kinda cliché or whatever but just be yourself, Myka. You're never more incredible than when you're being yourself."
"That is cliché." You sigh but he's also right. "But thanks, Pete. You're kind of awesome."
"I know this! Where are you, anyway?" Pete asks and you can hear him moving around on the other line before the sound of gunfire and artificial war swells in the background.
"I'm hiding in the bathroom."
"Dude, you're in the bathroom?" Pete asks sharply, "They're gonna think you're pooping! Get outta there!"
"Oh my god, I have to go." You hiss before hanging up your cell phone. You take one last look in the mirror, smoothing down your dress before throwing open the door.
Of course, HG is leaning casually against the wall opposite the bathroom door and you yelp in surprise.
"Oh! Hey. What's, uh, what's up?" You squeak and she smirks at you while you fidget.
"Everything okay in there?" HG wonders, peeking passed you into the bathroom before giving you a full smile and you blush deeply, "Did Pete have any helpful advice? Assuming that's who you snuck away to call."
"Uhm yeah, he did." You say and Helena nods.
"Am I correct to assume its of the 'Be Yourself' variety?" HG asks, hands clasped in front of her. "Just a guess."
"How did you?... Yeah, something like that." You mutter. "…Look, I'm just really nervous and-and I guess I needed some reassurance that I'm not a total spaz…I mean, Your uncle asked me about mathletes and I prattled on forever."
"I think its adorable," She murmurs, "When you ramble that way. Your eyes light up and your mouth becomes clumsy because you're so excited about what you're talking about."
"HG." You say even as you blush again, blood heating your face and you reach back to rub at the back of your neck.
"You needn't be concerned, you know. They already adore you." HG points out helpfully while you stand in the doorway of the bathroom and she rest nonchalantly against the wall across the narrow corridor. "You practically stole their hearts when you went on and on about the flaws in the American educational system."
Relief washes over you and you can feel a dorky grin taking over your face. "Yeah?"
HG only rolls her eyes before pushing away from the wall and closing the short distance between the two of you. One hand comes up to play with the ends of your hair, curling the coil around her index finger while she gazes at you with her dreamy eyes.
"Don't let their English disposition fool you. They think you're wonderful." She whispers and you feel kinda silly but also warm where HG's front is pressed to yours. "Now, come along back to dinner. I've told them that you've plans to travel after you graduate and they're eager to entertain you with stories of their own travels."
You nod even as feelings, soft and tender and giddy, well up inside of you in a way that makes your heart pound suddenly. She takes your hand easily before turning and tugging you back towards the dining room and in those few steps the magnitude of what you feel for HG hits you like a sledge hammer.
It's a complete mishmash of feelings that are tornadoing around inside of you unlike anything you've felt before. It's not like when you were with Sam, not really, because what you felt for him was warm and easy with his hand clasped around yours and his contagious smile. This is something that burns you and wraps you up like it wants to strangle you while HG looks at you like you're the most interesting thing she's ever stumbled upon.
In fact, that's kind of how she's staring at you now while the two of you slide back into your seat at the dinner table, hands separated but bodies side by side. Her hand finds your leg underneath the tablecloth and your fingers fumble to squeeze her hand while her aunt and uncle are argue over exactly how many genetic relatives they share with the Queen of England.
"Are you alright?" She asks quietly, dark eyes curious and soft while she palms your knee and there's that feeling again, wildly out of control as it bangs around behind your ribs. You wonder if she knows what she's doing to you, if she knows she makes waves when you've never ever been anything but calm stillness. You wonder if she's doing it on purpose or if its something she can't control and you're just another fool in a long line of fools, fawning stupidly over her until she moves on and leaves your heartbroken body behind.
"I'm okay." You mutter, dropping your chin just a little because a blush is lighting up your cheeks and you pick up your fork, stuffing potatoes into your mouth.
HG has said that she's falling for you but you don't know if that actually means she's just falling under the spell of your admittedly awkward charms or it means that there's a corresponding chaos going on inside of her body and it's caused by you.
HG's hand squeezes your thigh one more time before drifting away, or at least trying to but you grip her hand tightly under the table.
"So, Myka, Helena has told us that you're quite the literati." Her aunt says, all composed and elegant and that has to be genetic or something. "What is your favorite novel? Emma?"
"Jane Austin? No, I'm sorry but that book is so…so overrated." You blurt as politely as you can and the nervousness about your shoulders eases away when everyone at the table laughs good naturedly.
"I'm in total agreement, young lady." HG's uncle chuckles, adjusting his thick glasses and when you glance at HG, her fingers are curled tightly around yours, she's absolutely beaming.
/
"Pete." you start quietly, glancing over your shoulder where Pete is standing, a book-filled box in his arms and a grimace furrowing his brow. "I need to ask you something."
You set another book in the box, looking at him over the cardboard before turning to continue clearing off the display shelf.
Your dad is picking up a new shipment of books this afternoon and he'd insisted that you make room on a couple of shelves in the front of the store even though it wasn't your day to work the shop and Tracy was doing absolutely nothing.
You'd asked Pete to help and smiled sweetly at your father where he stood behind the front desk glaring from you to Pete and back again before leaving for the post office. "Shoot."
"Have you, uh…" You clear your throat, attempting to gather all of the thoughts that have been swirling around your skull since dinner at Helena's. You've never been great at putting words to feelings and now is no different. "I mean, have you ever…ya know, been in love with a girl?"
"Naw, not really. I mean, there was Deanna Torres but she had lice, ya know, and I wasn't mentally prepared to…to…" Pete trails off and when you glance at him again his face is twisted up in suspicion. "Wait, why're you asking me that?"
Your shrug nervously, dropping more books into the box and Pete grunts at the added weight before following you to the next aisle. "I'm just making conversation."
"People don't usually start friendly chats like that." Pete points out and you roll your eyes and stack a few more books in the box . "Are you asking because you think you might be…"
"Pete, I don't…" You sigh, mentally grasping for a way to describe what you're feeling but you come up empty. You let out a frustrated breath, scooping up more books and dropping them heavily into the box. Pete staggers a little but stays otherwise upright.
"Oh, I know! We're about to have a moment, huh? Here." Pete turns around, presenting you his back and you can't help but laugh. "Okay, go ahead. Tell me what's going on."
"She makes me feel…things." You finally say vaguely.
Pete nods solemnly, as you kneel to gather up more hardbacks from the bottom shelf. "Things…Tingly things or…"
"Definitely tingly things…" you grunt, pausing to look up at the back of his head. "Tingly things that wrap around my spine and creep into my-my nerves and my veins and-and my brain until she's all I feel and all I think about."
"Oh, wow. That sounds …." He says after a moment and you nod, cradling the novels before standing. "That sounds pretty serious."
"Also, she has a kid. I never told you that, but she does." You blurt and when Pete whirls around you drop the books into the box.
"What?!" He yelps just as the bottom of the cardboard box gives out and you swear and wince as books hit the ground.
"Damn it." you grunt, falling to your knees again and Pete does the same, discarding the carton and helping you stack the books on the floor.
"Dude, you're gonna be a daddy?!" He hisses loudly and you stop gathering books long enough to shove him.
"No! I don't know!" You cry, hurriedly organizing the pile of novels. "I-I just don't know. She-she has a daughter, this beautiful little girl, back in England and its…"
"So, you're telling me that you're possibly in love with someone's mom."
"I don't know. Maybe." You say, "And it sounds really weird when-when you phrase it like that."
He's silent for a long moment and you busy yourself with stacking the fallen books.
"If I remember correctly, you and Sam were pretty in love. You know, flowers and candy, the whole disgustingly cute nine-yards." Pete points out and you sigh, closing a copy of Dracula by Bram Stoker gingerly and setting it on the ground.
"I wasn't…I don't know if it was love with Sam but this doesn't feel the same." You admit, twisting to sit on your butt and leaning back against the shelf.
"Yeah?" Pete grunts, shifting to sit next to you. "Then what does it feel like?"
"It feels like…" you sigh, pushing your hair out of your face and avoiding Pete's curious gaze. "It feels like something I want to say to her. It feels like something I want her to say back."
Pete only nods, toeing at a copy of As I Lay Dying. "So why don't you? Just say it, I mean?"
"What if she doesn't say it back?" You exhale, glancing at Pete tentatively. "What if I make a fool of myself because HG is the girl that always has people falling at her feet and I'm just another idiot kissing her boots?"
"Mykes, c'mon." Pete chuckles and you flush. "HG is definitely the type to have people tripping all over themselves to make her happy."
"Peeete." You groan loudly, dropping your head back against the bookcase with a muffled thump. "Great."
"But, she's also the type to not bother with people she's not interested in. She's not the type to ask just anyone to have dinner with the family." He points out and you know he's right. Helena is a lot of things but uncertain doesn't seem to be one of them.
"You're good enough, Myka." Pete says, nudging your shoulder with his. "You're more than good enough for her so, ya know, be brave."
You nod a little, pushing your hair away from your face. "Okay."
Pete watches you silently for a long moment before speaking. "Since we're on the topic of hot moms, I think its only fair that I admit I've been crushing on your mom pretty hard since, like, the fourth grade."
/
Fingertips smoothing over your hairline draw you towards the edge of a deep, warm sleep. You frown and exhale, opening your eyes enough to see HG stretched out on her stomach beside you, her fingers tracing over your features idly. Elusive dreams dance along the edge of your consciousness and you let them drift away in favor of gazing up at HG.
The two of you are closed up in the bookstore attic, the setting sun pouring orange and pink through the sole window and the atmosphere warm and cozy. You're exhausted, a week of mathlete stuff and fencing competitions, both of which HG insisted on accompanying you to, combined with school and few hours at the bookstore for your father, have left you worn out.
You smile drowsily at HG, wondering idly if she finished the writing she'd been doing before your eyes had become too heavy to keep open. And this isn't a date or anything but you still feel a little bit of embarrassment at falling asleep in front of HG the way you have. You're pretty sure that little bit of embarrassment would be full blown mortification if you weren't so tired.
"I'm sorry." You mumble, turning your head to kiss her hand before turning onto your side and curling into the warmth of her body.
"It's fine. You're so weary." HG chuckles softly while she traces down your cheek, then your lips. You think she's going to kiss you, that you want her to, but her fingers drop to your neck and exhaustion is pulling you back into a shallow sleep.
You dream quick and faint and obscure but you drift awake at the soft tones of HG's voice and you blink up at her uncomprehendingly, your face hidden against her shoulder.
"….you know that don't you? You must." She finishes quietly and you swallow thickly even as HG runs her hand carefully through your hair.
"What?" You slur and HG smiles fondly, running a fingertip along your hairline to your ear.
She doesn't say anything, so you stretch onto your back just as she leans down to kiss your bottom lip and you reach up, touch her throat and press your mouth to hers properly. It begins innocently enough but soon HG is half on top of you while her tongue slips into your mouth purposefully.
Her hand inches under your shirt, palm making circles against your stomach idly before sliding up to touch your breast. She licks her way into your mouth while she worms her way under the material of your bra and when you moan she pulls away to kiss your forehead.
"I want you so badly." She admits quietly, thumb tracing circles over you and you nod as goosebumps race across your skin.
"I want you too." You murmur and you think there could be a 'but' after that. 'But' we shouldn't or 'but' this isn't the right time or place except none of those things feel true.
HG takes that for the invite that it is, pulling back silently only to begin fumbling with the buttons on your shirt. You close your eyes, let yourself feel HG's weight as she slides all the way on top of you.
"Helena." You breathe out heavily as she parts the sides of your shirt and she glances up at you with dark eyes that make you breathe in shakily. The last time you were in this position there was alcohol involved and you were terrified of the way you felt.
Now you just feel happy.
Her head dips, mouth opening against your stomach and she smiles against your skin when you jump and shift, your fingers carding through the dark strands of her hair lazily.
"God, you're so gorgeous." You whisper earnestly as she mouths her way down your belly until she's hovering over the waist of your jeans and your heart is pounding. She slides your belt apart easily, eyes turned up towards you before shifting upwards so she's hovering over you, devastatingly beautiful.
"As are you. So very lovely." She murmurs, hair falling around you like a curtain. "Kiss me?"
You do as she asks even as you blush at her words, pulling on her shoulder and kissing her until she's melting on top of you. Your movements are sluggish and uncoordinated but HG doesn't seem to mind, she just moans quietly while you taste the inside of her mouth.
When she eases away you inhale deeply, taking a sobering breath as she drifts down your torso and nervousness edges its way under your skin. This is your first time together, really together and not over the clothes fumbling, since your original first time but there's way more feelings involved as well as way less alcohol this time around and…you're just nervous.
"Relax for me, darling." HG murmurs, pressing a kiss to your sternum and she can probably taste your fluttering heartbeat.
"Okay." You swallow, looking down at her and the sight is dizzying but you don't look away and neither does she as her fingers find the fly of your jeans while she sucks bruising marks against your hip.
You can't help but laugh as she fights your jeans down and off and she rolls her eyes as she throws them aside before pressing a kiss to your pressed together knees and looking up at you, hands palming your knees for a moment before sliding down the outside of your thighs to play innocuously with the band of your underwear.
"Open for me." She murmurs against your skin looking soft and eager and you lick your lips as desire swells breathtakingly inside of you.
Your legs spread thoughtlessly because, really, how can you deny her when she says things like that. Helena sighs like you did something right, hooking her fingers in the sides of your underwear and pulling downward until she can see all of you and your stomach is twisting into slippery, hot knots of anticipation.
"Goodness, you're beautiful all over, aren't you?" She murmurs and you feel yourself flush even as her eyes dart to yours while she trails kisses up the inside of your thigh that have your entire body is shaking in anticipation.
"Oh my god." The words tumble from your mouth as her head dips forward slowly, hands grasping at your waist while you shudder helplessly. "Oh my god."
You breathe hard as she presses forward, urging your legs wide with her shoulders. A broken, choked sound rattles past your lips and your hands move to claw at the edge of the bed while your hips cant unsteadily against the soft heat of her mouth.
This, like everything else you've ever associated with HG, is so, so much. Its so much tension and heat and sensation that it feels like all the important parts of you are melting for her. And then you're melting for her, with your thighs shaking and muscles coiled with energy twisting white hot around your spine until you come apart.
"Shhh. Shhh." HG shushes gently, stretched out over while you shudder helplessly, eyes fluttering backwards and her utterly counterproductive hand diving between your thighs to work every last quake and gasp from your body. "Shhh."
You bury your face against her neck to muffle the broken keening sound you can't seem to stop in this moment because your mom is downstairs running the shop this afternoon and she has no idea the two of you are up here. You're pretty sure she definitely wouldn't approve of the two of you being up here doing this.
HG laughs when your body finally goes limp while you attempt to deal with the tingling in your muscles. Her hand coming to rest against your hip and you kiss her hard before muttering, "Take your clothes off."
She sits up and you do the same, watching slack-jawed as she does as you asked until there's only endless pale skin laid out in front of you.
You take a breath then trace the freckles at the top of her chest before leaning forward to kiss the smooth line of her throat and the ledge of her clavicle. You feel her breathing turn heavy, a hand easing into your hair as you drop a kiss against her sternum. When you glance up at her she's watching you intensely, lips parted and eyes dark and when you tilt your head to take her breast into your mouth, the hand in your hair goes tight and she gasps so sharply.
You drag your hands over her thighs slowly before scratching across her belly and she trembles a little and swallows hard.
"I'm so ready for you it's embarrassing." She murmurs, both hands fisted in your hair and forehead resting against yours.
"Just tell me what to do, okay?" You say nervously, glancing at her face before dropping your eyes to watch your fingers as you let your hand drift downwards. "Because I…"
"At this point, there's very little you could do that wouldn't make me…" Her words trail off into a breathless whimper as your fingers come into contact with slick heat…
/
It's the last football game of the season and by some miracle your school isn't getting its butt kicked. In fact, it's a pretty close game and the fans are vibrating with energy in the stands as if the team were playing for a trophy or a playoff spot and not the first and only win of the season.
Helena is beside you in the stuffed bleachers, warm and buzzing with excitement. Her grasp on American football is still fairly tentative but she's completely engrossed in the game, standing and cheering or booing with the rest of the crowd whenever applicable.
You're watching her far more than you are the game and you know that she's noticed.
"Everything okay?" She asks, dropping to the bench beside you after a particularly rousing course of boos aimed at a referee for making a bad call on a play and you just blush a nod.
"You look pretty." You murmur and she looks at you quizzically, dark hair fluttering about her face, before giving your hand a squeeze where it rests between you and her on the bench.
"And you're lovely as always." Helena responds. "Are you sure you're alright? Are you feeling ill? I could take you home."
"I'm fine. I'm fine." You laugh and she gives you a careful look before focusing on the game again. You find yourself staring at her profile, at the curve of her ear and the beautiful line of her jaw and affection churns gentle and steady in your belly.
"I love you." You say quietly, the words floating free without your permission and she shouldn't be able to hear you as the crowd chooses that exact moment to surge to its feet with a roaring cheer but somehow your words must reach her ears because she turns to look at you as if your voice was the only one speaking in this moment.
"What?" She asks slowly even as the crowd continue to stand, people towering over you like trees while they applaud and you feel your eyes widen and your heart pound. "What did you just…?"
"I, uhm…" You choke out and you remember that you're brave and you're good enough. You lean a little closer to her, so your knee is touching hers and speak strong and clear. "I love you."
It takes her a moment to react, there's only dark eyes searching your face and unfathomable panic surging through your chest after the words leave your lips a second time but then her hand is fumbling to grab yours so tightly. She doesn't say anything, just laughs so brightly that the anxiety crackling along your nervous system eases away.
"Is-is that okay? Or…" You start dumbly and HG is still laughing and clasping onto your hand as the crowd sits around the two of you.
"I should hope so." She finally says, beaming at you and you can feel your mouth turning up into a crooked smile. "Considering how hopelessly in love I am with you."
/
"Have you thought about what happens next?" Pete asks, leaning back on his hands in the green grass and squinting up at you while you wield your fencing saber lazily across his backyard.
"What do you mean, next? Like…" You trail off, doing a move around Pete and your saber whistles quietly as it cuts through the air.
"Like after this year." Pete clarifies with a grunt, falling backwards as the capped end of your sword pokes him in the chest. "I mean, next year is our senior year but HG is graduating this year. Is she going to college in 'Merica or does she plan on heading back across the pond and going to school in grand old England? What about her daughter? Like, are you guys gonna do the long distance thing?"
You would be lying if you said you hadn't thought about any of this stuff just a little but its been hard to dwell on it while you're actually happy.
"I'm not…I'm not sure what's going to happen." You say, raising your saber and resting it against your shoulder. Your stomach feels weird now and you press your hand there absently. You know you don't want HG to leave but you're not stupid and you also know that the odds aren't necessarily in your favor. You think of little Christina, halfway across the world without her mother and you feel sick.
"Hey. Hey. Hey." Pete calls, grabbing your attention as well as your hand and you look down at him helplessly. "Come lie down with me."
You do, stretching out side by side in the plush grass like you've done so many times before. "Pete…"
"There's time, Mykes. There's still half a school year and the entire summer, okay? There'll be time to worry about all that stuff I said later, okay? It was stupid to bring it up. I'm sorry."
"No, Pete. It's-It's all-" You try, blinking up at the blue sky and biting your lip while your stomach swims nauseatingly.
"Myka." Pete interrupts your train of thought, turning to look at you and you look back. "I haven't seen you this happy in a long time."
"I know." You say quietly, watching his mouth quirk up in the corners just a bit.
"So, just be happy." He says, "Please?"
You nod a little and when his hand skims across the grass to hold yours, you hang on tight.