That Blonde One: Chapter 3

Sorry this update took so long. I have been doing some research on what that heck exotic dance is supposed to look like. And no, I did not go to strip clubs! My roomie had been to a few though so that was helpful. I hope this chapter goes well. Things are going to start getting really bad really fast for our lovely blonde alchemist. Ooooo! This is gonna be fun! Enjoy!

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Ed awoke the next morning to a loud rapping on his door. He could hear Al groan with annoyance across the room. "I'll get it," Ed said as he stumbled into the cold air of the room and over to the door. He opened it to find Major Armstrong standing on the other side. "What is it Major Armstrong?"

"Colonel Mustang wanted to see you about your new mission."

"Mission? What mi…oh... I'll be right there." Ed quickly pulled his pants and coat on and followed Armstrong to the Colonel's office. A growing sense of foreboding grew within Ed as he neared what he perceived as his doom. Edward Elric? A stripper? Ed was only fourteen and had no idea what he was supposed to do. All he knew was that this would involve shaking his butt and showing a lot of skin. His breath caught in his throat as Armstrong announced his arrival and he was motioned into the room.

As terrified as Ed had been as he entered the room, that didn't even compare to the wave of total and complete panic that gripped his very being as he saw the sight therein. Just about everyone he knew stood about the office and were all looking at him. Ed sent Mustang a questioning look. The Colonel stood behind a conspicuously clear desk. "Wha… What's going on," Ed stammered.

"I was going to evaluate how much training you would require, and it just so happened that I mentioned it to a few people and out of the blue half the…" Mustang's voice seemed fade away as Ed felt himself on the verge of a panic attack. He turned and ran for the door, but Breda caught him.

"No way you're running away! I've got a bet going." So there was no way out of this. Ed swallowed hard and walked up to Mustang's desk as one going to his own execution.

"Don't worry, Fullmetal," Mustang soothed. "I'm here to guide you through this."

"I suppose you would know a lot about this." Ed was starting to regain his nerve. "After all I'm sure you've been to strip clubs more times than everyone in this room combined!" A collective "Ooooo!" spread throughout the room punctuated by an "Ouch" here and a "Burn" there. Unfortunately for Ed, that was his last laugh because Mustang chose that moment to lift Ed onto the desk.

"Alright Fullmetal, now take off that coat slowly and sensually."

"Don't be nervous Ed. We're all rooting for you," Hughes chimed in as he turned on some sexy-sounding music. There was a dubious cough from Havoc who was on the other end of Breda's bet. Ed took a deep breath and slowly began to undress.

He raised his right shoulder and slowly slid the side of his coat down his arm, his eyes glued to the desktop, a blush gracing his youthful cheeks. Ed then lowered the other shoulder letting the coat skid along the lightly muscled flesh of his left arm to slide off the tips of his fingers and land in a blood-colored pool at his feet. He deftly kicked the coat off the desk onto the floor. Then, Ed's hips began to roll, leisurely and sensually as he crossed his arms, resting his hands just above his pants and intertwined his fingers in the fabric of his shirt and pulled up, gradually revealing his slender torso.

By now, everyone in the room was transfixed as each beheld this golden beauty atop Roy's desk. Roy, however, stood regarding Ed with a thoughtful look on his face, but not breaking the youth's spell just yet.

Ed let his black tank top fall to the floor like a charred leaf. He was really getting the hang of this, though one could tell that he was still painfully nervous. He raised his left hand to his hair and brought it down across his face and onto his neck and then to his chest then finally across his left nipple while at the same time leaning his head back and reaching over with his right hand to grasp his hair tie, pulling it out. He held the tie in his teeth as he reached up, this time with both hands, to loose his hair from the braid, golden locks showering every which way.

"Alright, good show. Everyone, go back to your duties," Mustang declared as he switched off the music. As the throng filed out, a very aroused looking Havoc slapped a wad of money into the hands of a chuckling Breda mumbling something along the lines of, "I can't believe he turned me on. That's so gross!"

When the room was empty save Roy and Ed, Mustang closed the door and turned to face Ed who was hastily composing himself. "That was pretty good Fullmetal, very good in fact. I was thinking though, there are two things that have to be changed. For one, you look scared out of your wits. Though that does add a certain appeal, you should look a little shy, not in need of hospitalization for anxiety. The other issue as that you had a very masculine presence."

"What's wrong with being masculine? I didn't think central even had any gay clubs." Roy chuckled at this.

"You're right Fullmetal, that's why you will have to pretend to be a woman." Ed was speechless, caught between fear and rage. Before he could get his voice to work, Roy reminded him, "Think about the stone Ed. What if it's the real thing? That's all I needed to know. You can leave now if you want."

Ed sighed and then yelled, "Damn, this is gonna suck!" Then he stomped out of Mustang's office. "Yes it will, Fullmetal," Mustang said to the closed door. "It definitely will."

That night, Ed sat on the edge of his bed contemplating his rude awakening. That was probably the most humiliating experience of his life, but yet at the same time, for the first time in his life, he felt attractive. His self-concept had been so damaged by the loss of his limbs. It encouraged him to have all of those people find him beautiful. He could have even sworn that he saw an appreciative look in the usually stone-cold gaze of Riza Hawkeye. "I don't know. Maybe this won't be quite so bad," Ed whispered to himself. A small grin played in his lips as he walked to the mirror and struck a pose. He practiced in front of the mirror for a good fifteen minutes before none other than Al walked in on him. If Al could make facial expressions, his face would have born a look of complete shock. "Brother, what are you doing!"

Ed blushed bright red as he composed himself. "Al, I swear. There is a perfectly logical explanation for this." Ed figured he'd have to tell Al eventually and now was as good a time as any other.

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So…Al knows about the mission and just about every soldier with any sort of screen time on FMA (whether I mentioned them or not) saw Ed do a sexy dance. How awkward. Hopefully you were either laughing or drooling or, ideally, a little of both. I thought I'd take this opportunity to clarify some things. This takes place in that gap in FMA where we don't know what the heck Ed was doing. We assume that he just did a lot of butt kicking and reputation building. Also, I don't know if anyone noticed but Ed was missing a few of his normal items of clothing. That is simply because I never had him put them on. He was in a rush and didn't bother with it. Some of you may also have realized that Ed never put on his black tank top but yet I had him take it off. That's because he sleeps in it (and his boxers of course, though that'd be really sexy if he…anyway). I hope this chapter was to your satisfaction and remember to review.