My head was throbbing. My palms were sticky.
Gerard calm the fuck down.
Yup. There was my subconscious voice again.
Fact was, I didn't want to be here. But I'd promised Frank and I'd do whatever it takes to keep him happy.
Another nurse came out of the door just next to the reception desk. I guess she seemed nice enough. I mean, she was wearing blue scrubs just like the other four nurses that had also come through the same door. Her makeup wasn't overly done, unlike two of the others who were ridiculously coated in it. She smiled around at everyone and my heart pounded in my chest. She was going to call me, I knew it. I was next. No, no no no.
"Mr Simon Hill?" She called out and I sunk back into my chair.
I couldn't cope with the amount of times the the blood had rushed to my head with the adrenaline and then disappeared just as quickly. It was making me sick.
"Frank they're late." I whispered almost into Frank's neck.
"Late with what?" He looked up from reading some book he'd downloaded on his phone.
"My appointment. It was supposed to be at 12:15."
Frank checked the time and rolled his eyes. "Gerard it's-"
"12:17. Precisely." I finished for him. My appointment was now 2 minutes late. The waiting was killing me. I couldn't handle it.
"Have you ever once actually thought that you're not the only person due to see your specific radiologist?" His lips were set in a straight line. He wasn't happy. Tough, neither was I.
"Yeah but-"
"Gerard Way? A sixth nurse came out and looked around the room, smiling sweetly.
I gulped.
"Happy now?" Frank asked, tucking his phone deep inside the pocket of his jeans. "Come on." He held out his hand for me to take.
I reached out for it and he pulled me up with that much force, I nearly ended up falling forwards and smacking my face on the floor! In which case, it wouldn't have been radiology I'd have been visiting, after all.
I followed behind Frank and the nurse quietly as they chatted lightly about the weather and about Frank and I looking 'quite the cute couple'. I was beginning to like her up until that point.
She took us into a consultation room and told us a Doctor Hugh McDonald would be in shortly and that she was off to set up the X-Ray.
"You do know it's not gonna hurt, right?" Frank asked once she'd gone.
I nodded feverishly. Course I knew it wasn't gonna hurt but that didn't stop me from trying to hold back a breakdown.
It wasn't long before a man in a light grey suit came in. He smiled politely and sat down in front of me and Frank and yet again, I left all the explaining to Frank. I'm not sure what it is but I get nervy and quiet around certain people. It's different if Frank was to introduce me to some of his friends, I'd get on with them easily. In fact, I'm actually quite close with some of his friends anyway. But it's people like doctors that I get shaky around. I don't like being talked to like I'm a child.
That's because you act like a damn child, stupid.
I frowned at my subconscious's appearance. It was becoming so much of a regular thing that I decided I should turn it into a him. I zoned out of much of the consulting part between Frank and Doctor McDonald. Sure, they were talking about me but I wasn't overly interested. I wasn't going to tell this Hugh dude that I was fine like I had done with Harper. It was made pretty apparent that I wasn't fine else I wouldn't have been sat here.
They were nearing the end of the consulting when came to the conclusion that my subconscious was also named Gerard and funnily enough, looked just like me. The difference was, he seemed to be annoyingly smarter than me and he always looked at me disapprovingly. He's such an asshole.
"Okay then, Gerard." McDonald snapped my attention away from my thinking. "I think we've done enough talking about your condition for now."
My condition?
"If you'd like to follow me down the hall and we'll get this over with." He said and indicted for us to follow him. "Your partner will have to stay here. There can't be both of you in the room."
"What?!" I began hyperventilating. "Y-you can't make him! I don't go anywhere without him! Frank tell him!" I protested, sitting back down in my seat defiantly.
Frank looked up at the doctor apologetically.
"I'll give you a minute." He said understandingly and left the room after telling Frank which room I was supposed to be in next.
Frank came and sat in my lap and took my face in his hands. I was still hyperventilating and my hands were beginning to shake.
"You need to tell him, Frankie." I squeaked. "Don't leave me to do this on my own! I'm scared!"
He stroked my cheek with his thumb and I closed my eyes, trying to relax.
"Listen to me , okay?" He said quietly.
I nodded.
"Sometimes you have to do things on your own, Gerard. This is one of those times. But it's for the best, okay? We're going to find out what's wrong with you."
"There's nothing wrong with me." The words came out of my mouth automatically like they had done before. I knew I was wrong.
Frank pressed a finger to my lips to keep me quiet and I kissed It lightly and smiled, my eyes still closed.
"I'll be in here the whole time, and I'll still be sitting here when you come back. I'm not moving."
I opened my eyes slowly and rubbed my nose against his softly.
"Okay." I said simply.
He smiled and slid off my lap, pulling me up more gently this time and led me down the hall to another room.
McDonald met us at the door and handed me a hospital gown. I scowled and took it unwillingly.
"You can get changed in the room just opposite." He told me and went back inside.
I dragged Frank into the room with me. This was fucking awful. I know I said showing Harper my chest was bad but this was worse. By the time I was changed, I was only wearing three items of clothing: my socks, my underwear and this goddamn gown.
I stood embarrassed and ashamed while Frank did up the ties for me on the back and I turned round to face him.
"I'm right in the other room, okay?" He kissed my cheek softly and headed out.
I made my way into the other room and stood just inside the doorway. McDonald turn around and smiled.
"Come and lie on the bed, Gerard. I'll be sitting at the computer just over there and Laura will accompany you through the process." He indicated to the blonde nurse who had called me earlier.
I lay on the bed uncomfortably and played with them hem of my gown.
"Closing your eyes might help if you're nervous, honey." Laura came over and continued to prepare the X-Ray.
I nodded and closed my eyes, trying to regulate my breathing. Maybe she wasn't so bad after all.
"So your partner's name is Frank, right?" She asked lightly.
Oh God, not this conversation again.
Don't be an asshole, Gerard. She's trying to help you. Subconscious me scolded.
Piss off, I didn't want you here anyway.
"Yeah." I replied.
"Just cross your arms behind your head for me."
I did so and found It was actually quite comfortable.
"So how long have you two been together?"
"Um...Almost two years." I could feel my cheeks burning up.
"Aww, you're blushing." She giggled.
"Shut up!" I wasn't having a go at her, I was just becoming incredibly shy. "Do you have a partner?" I asked suddenly without thinking. "Shit. I'm sorry I didn't mean to-"
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I do." She laughed.
"What's his name?" I pressed.
Why the hell are you so interested?!
Shut up! I'm making polite conversation!
"Liam." She said quietly. Judging by her response, I assumed she was the one blushing now.
I smirked.
"Been together long?"
"A year and a half roughly. We're getting married next year." She continued to speak in the same way.
"Now whose the one going all shy?" I giggled.
"Okay, point made! You're done here anyway. You can open your eyes now."
I opened my eyes and blinked up at her to discover she was blushing deeply and I laughed.
"I knew it!" I grinned and jumped up from the bed.
"Gerard just go home." She laughed again and shoved me out the door lightly. I headed back down the hall and into the previous room to Frank for my clothes.
He looked up hopefully and I smiled sweetly.
"So how did it go after the huge fuss you made?" He asked, half mockingly.
"Laura's real nice to me." I replied, heading for the door to get changed.
"Laura?
"The girl who said we looked cute together? The blonde one?"
"Oh...Oh, right."
You know what that means now, don't you? Subconscious me was folding his arms, smirking.
No, not really.
Frank thinks you fancy your little blonde friend.
He does not! I only said she was nice because she helped me you fucking idiot. Urgh, I'm going to get changed.
And so I stormed out to the changing room, aggressively ripping the gown off myself and yanked my shirt over my head. I'd say I did the same with the way I got my jeans on but it wasn't exactly a successful move since I landed on my ass in the process. Jesus Christ, this amount of moving was killing my chest.
"Gerard sweetie?"
Fuck. Laura was outside the goddamn door.
"Go away." I began to panic, Frank can't hear her talking to me like that.
"Oh...I just came to get your gown off you when you're ready."
Don't be so fucking horrible to her, you're the one that thinks she's nice, remember? Subconscious me was grinning like a fucking asshole.
"SHUT UP! Why are you making such a massive deal out of an innocent fucking comment?! She helped me fucking calm down, that's all! What the hell is your fucking problem! I didn't want you hear, I didn't ask for you to turn up!"
I was suddenly aware that Laura had found a way to open the door from the outside and was standing watching me yell at the air.
She came and crouched beside me.
"Who are you shouting at?" She asked, she was so damn concerned and overly nice that I couldn't find a reason not to like her.
"I- Myself." I sighed.
"I can't help but notice that you seem kind of at war with yourself, Hun."
Kind of?
I didn't look up at him. This poor fucking nurse already thought I was losing my mind.
"Look, I don't like you okay?! I mean, I do like you but I don't fancy you for God's sake! I'm gay! I'm fucking homosexual! I have a boyfriend and you're just being nice and I don't want Frank getting the wrong impression!" I blurted out and found myself doubled over in pain from my chest. Oh and no, in case you were wondering, I hadn't gotten up off the floor yet. I found myself rocking back and fourth, gulping desperately at the air like someone was going to take it off me, if that was possible.
Frank came running down the hall and stood at the door.
"Frankie I don't-" I could barely even speak.
"He's drenched in sweat and can hardly breathe! Go and get more help!" Frank was practically begging Laura.
Dammit, he wasn't listening to me. I was determined to get my words out. If Sub me was convinced that Frank thought I liked Laura then I was determined to prove him wrong. But it seemed that every time I opened my mouth to try and speak, my brain and my chest seemed to want two very different things.
"I told her I-" I tried again.
Nope, still didn't work. Okay fine, I see how it is.
"Frank-"
"Get him onto the bed and into resus." I heard McDonald. Hugh! My guy! I hadn't the energy to get up or even look up but before I had chance to try and speak again, I was scooped up by Frank and lay down onto yet, another uncomfortable bed. "Tell them I'm bringing Gerard Way down, he's got severe chest pains and he's tachycardic."
I was what?
He continued to babble on to his other doctors while my head was lifted up and an oxygen mask was rested over my nose an mouth. I reached for it and held it closer to my face, drinking in all the oxygen it was capable of giving me.
"We could be looking at a pneumothorax. He's literally just had a chest X-Ray done. I'll get the analysed prints as soon as possible."
They were looking at what?
I turned my head and looked at Frank who I was sure was going to cry any minute now. I reached my free hand out and took his own as he tried desperately to keep up with the pace of the doctors. I squeezed it tightly and he smiled down at me. I hate it when he smiles like that. Its a smile that meant to say 'I'm okay and everything's gonna be just fine'. In actual fact, it doesn't say that at all. It's a smile of his that he usually gives me when he's done with being okay and needs a good, long cuddle, which is usually led onto a long crying session of his. Damn, I could have done with a cuddle too.
It seemed like ages before we reached resus and it wasn't exactly long before I got the impression that the doctors and nurses couldn't really do much to help me while I was conscious because of the annoying little fears I have of most things.
"Gerard, we're going to have to sedate you, okay?" It was Laura. Okay she'd not technically done anything wrong and she was still being just as nice but she was the last person I wanted to see.
I squeezed Frank's hand tighter.
Ordinarily I would have kicked up a fuss. Again with the whole needle thing! But I would have taken anything to get rid of the amount of pain I was in.