January 18th, 2013

Lord help me.

Do not know how I find myself in these situations, but I do.

Where to begin… Ah, the elevator, where all interesting and mortifying situations start out. I found myself alone in the elevator with Michael after another day of flirting via email about my clothing selections. Am not ashamed to say that I selected a rather low cut top this morning in the hopes that management would send me another email questioning the wisdom of the choice.

Michael swaggered into the elevator, smiling when he realized I was standing there alone. He slipped in the spot next to me and turned to say something. Of course before he could Richard joined us, staring straight ahead, but there nevertheless.

Naturally I assumed that all hope was lost, I would have to be dazzling and witty while also managing every so slightly sexy another time… of course I realize that those three things would never describe me and if we had been given time to speak alone I would have managed to embarrass myself and nothing more. Praise be for the silence! While standing there quietly I suddenly felt something brush against the back of my skirt.

The cad was feeling me up!

Not that I slapped him away of course. Have you any idea how long it has been since a man was interested in my bottom let alone any other part of me? I turned slightly to look at him, hopefully managing surprise and coy amusement.

The elevator reached the parking garage and we all set off in our separate directions, but not before Richard stopped me.

"Ah, Edna?"

"Yes, sir?" I asked as respectfully as I could manage when being addressed by the wrong name.

"The launch party tomorrow night, I would like you to introduce me so that I can introduce Heather."

"Very good, sir." I nodded, forcing a smile. He leered at me for a moment before continuing towards his executive parking spot.

I started back in the direction Michael had disappeared only to be startled when he pulled me behind a pillar with him.

"Edna?" He laughed.

"It's been eight years, I think he might be insulted if I corrected him at this point."

"Well, Crawley, how about I take you and your deathly ill skirt to dinner?"

"Hmm, can't tonight I'm afraid." Excellent response. Aloof, I've got other plans that don't involve you. Which was true. I was to meet Thomas, Anna and Ethel.

"Tomorrow night then?"

"No, no. Launch party for the newest literary classic penned by Richard's flavor of the month."

"Fuck, that's going to be a dreadful night. Sure I can't persuade you to come round mine? Bottle of red, box of takeaway?"

"Sorry, lovely young man waiting for me. Night, Michael." Success! What a marvelous parting shot! And I didn't look back, just kept walking.

Naturally I failed to mention that in addition to a young man, who hasn't given a sexual thought towards a woman since he was 13, my married best friend Anna and sobbing Ethel would be coming along. That would shatter the illusion.

"You're going to have to look gorgeous." Thomas announced, lighting another cigarette. He was unfortunately handsome, had some brief fame in the 90s singing a pop song and discovered that the royalties would last him a lifetime. Or for another ten years at least. "Don't be yourself, glam out. Tart it up a bit."

"Tart it up? Thomas, that's horrible advice! Edith, you really don't want to welcome the advances of that man, do you?" Anna Bates interrupted. Dear Anna, gorgeous and happily married. She tended to be the voice of reason in my head.

"Have you seen him? I'd throw on a halter and a mini if it would turn his head." Ethel laughed, gesturing to the waiter for another drink. She had finally put an end to the off/on relationship and was drinking her way through it.

"I'm not saying there's anything wrong with yourself, Eeds. Just be a little less…"

"Add some allure." Ethel suggested.

"Allure! Yes! Short skirt and allure!" Thomas chorused. "And maybe be a little bit more interesting."

"Thomas!" Anna scolded. "Don't listen to them, Edith."

January 19th, 2013

Of course I listen to them. Self-doubt will always shout down my better angels. Which is why I spent all of Saturday with curlers in my hair, using hot wax strips to pull hair from various parts of my body and trying to decide on which short dress to wear.

On the topic of women and how we become alluring:

1) Curlers. Any type will do, depending on your hair. With my short hair, holding curl as well as it does I always end up looking a bit like a wild-eyed flapper. Which was what I was going for.

2) Eyeliner. Oh beloved eyeliner. I don't know why men like it when we look mysterious and smoky eyed, but they do and we want to please.

3) Spanx. Ugly? Yes. Holds everything in place so that you can wear a black pleather dress that hugs literally every curve on the body.

4) Stockings. Thigh highs with the seams going up the back. Again, don't know why men like them, but we kowtow.

So, hair in curls, eyeliner heavy, Spanx keeping all of me in place and stockings clinging to my thighs, I ran out the door. Just barely managing to keep the four-inch heels on my feet.

I got there just as the crowd was expanding, making it rather easy to slip in unnoticed. A table of champagne, the only upside to these launch parties. Glancing towards the small stage I realized that I had been so busy getting ready for the party that I had jotted down a speech but hadn't practiced it.

"Miss O'Brien." Of course she's the first person I run into.

"Hitting the streets afterwards?" She questioned, glaring at my dress.

"No, sorry. You'll have to look elsewhere." I smiled sweetly before starting to move away.

"Miss Crawley." A voice sounded behind me, stopping me from moving.

"Mr. Strallan." I nodded, turning around slowly after another sip of champagne.

"You look very nice tonight."

"Dressed myself and all."

"Yes, about that…"

"Anthony, darling, what's keeping you? Oh, Eeds!" He brought Mary. Please let something heavy fall on me now. "Don't you look… put together."

"And don't you look…" From the corner of my eye I caught sight of Matthew moving through the crowd, straightening his tie and wiping lipstick away from his mouth. "Diplomatic."

Her eyes narrowed, with a glance back she realized that I had spotted him. I owed Strallan no favors, if he was foolish enough to run around with Mary then that was on him. The spinster sister wouldn't cheat.

"I was just telling your sister how nice she looks." Anthony cut in. If the outfit didn't work on Michael at the very least I had the satisfaction that I turned the head of Mary's date.

"All dressed up, just for me, Crawley? I'm flattered." Michael appeared at my side, swapping out my empty glass of champagne for a full one.

"You'd like to think so, wouldn't you?"

"Eeds, aren't you going to introduce us?" Mary questioned.

"Oh, of course. Michael Gregson, my boss. This is my sister Mary and her…" I didn't know for sure if they were a couple or just screwing around.

"Friend." Mary supplied, though the smirk she sent me suggested otherwise. There's no real term for 'man I'm stringing along to make someone else jealous.'

"Strallan." Michael nodded.

"Gregson." Anthony replied curtly.

"You two know each other?" I asked blankly, somewhat surprised that they would ever be near the same social circles.

"Yes, we go way back." Michael leered, before turning back to me. "You're required on stage, my dear."

I can't even write down how horrible it all was. I can't even specifically remember what was said. Certainly made people laugh, but that was after I got flustered and mentioned that the book we were there to celebrate was the epitome of everything wrong with a culture that bastardizes classics in an attempt to dumb them down and make them more sexually attractive for a generation that can't be bothered to develop an appreciation or understanding of good literature…

I should never be given an open mic. I should NEVER be given an open mic. I should NEVER be given an open mic and champagne.

I don't even remember getting off the stage. Just standing back at the champagne table again while Richard awkwardly explained that I was quite humorous and something about those who can't do criticize.

"That was amazing." Michael whispered, sliding into the space behind me and curling an arm around my waist.

"Is Richard going to fire me?"

"Oh I doubt it. Heather was on her way out anyway. First round of reviews already came out. No one did him any favors." He rested his chin on my shoulder. I glanced up, noticing that Anthony Strallan was a few paces away, watching us. He looked angry, truly angry. It must've been about Michael, there was no way he was that angry about me being with another man.

"Small favors."

"Indeed. Listen, Crawley. You're looking very sexy and I must insist that you let me take you."

"Is that so?"

"To dinner. You didn't let me finish. Come on, you're looking far too skinny. Come on, darling."

He kept an arm around my waist and led me out of the party, past a glowering Strallan.

Dinner turned into drinks at his apartment. Another feat of modern architecture. Sharp angles, glass walls, white floors, almost no books. Although… to be perfectly honest I wasn't interested in Michael for his mind. As I'm sure he was not interested in me for mine.

"So, how do you know him?" He asked, handing me a glass of wine.

"Who?"

"The good Sir Strallan."

"Ah, my mother tried to set us up at Christmas."

"And he preferred your sister to you? Madness."

"How do you know him?" I didn't want to talk about Mary. If I talk about Mary to other men they might start wondering why they're with the wrong sister.

"I had the misfortune of getting caught in the middle of a marital dispute. Maude was having an affair, I inadvertently let him know and ended up with a broken nose."

"Shot the messenger?"

"Quite. Enough about him. I'm keen to know how you're staying in that dress… such a silly little dress."

I suddenly found myself laid out on the floor of his living room.

"Silly stockings." He murmured, his hands brushing along my legs, moving towards the skirt. "And these are… my God, Edith, what are these?"

Shit! Forgot about the Spanx.

"Oh…" I quickly tried to pull my skirt back down.

"No, no. Don't hide them. I like them. Hello, granny." Michael laughed, trying to get another look.

It never struck me at that moment, lying beneath him, laughing and having a grand time, that while one area of my life was starting to take an upswing, another area was about to take a nosedive.