March 15th, 2013

At last, the end to the longest week of work ever. Shagging the boss was a horrible idea. Cause in the end that's all it was. I was in love and he was in lust until his wife came back into town. I'm receiving looks of pity from Sarah O'Brien… oh how the mighty fall… though I was never truly mighty, just thought I was. Stupid little girl.

In the midst of awkward workdays I've managed a few interviews at other publishing houses.

On the topic: Interviews are hellish. Two men have questioned my chest about where I went to university, I foolishly pretended to have any idea about children's books (after which they asked if I had any of my own to which I answered "God, no"), and on the last interview I broke and informed the head of a publishing house that I had to leave my old job because I had been sleeping with my boss until I found out that he was married to his American counterpart in the company and had to leave because things were becoming unbearable. Oddly that was the position I was offered… And declined.

Wine for dinner.

March 18th, 2013

I quit today. I really quit. Not just a mental "I'm done with this." But loudly, publicly, in the middle of the office, with O'Brien backing me up. I wasn't planning on it. The thought hadn't really crossed my mind as a serious option. But Michael called me into his office.

"Edith, things can't go on as they have been."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I've been behaving like an adult. I certainly haven't been mooning around, my work hasn't suffered. My respect for you has certainly disappeared but that hasn't been particularly obvious to anyone aside from you… and your wife, of course."

"Edith…"

"No."

"I thought this was a mutual thing, you wore you short skirts and tight dresses, I was obliging… You shouldn't take it so personally."

"Personally? I shouldn't take it personally that you got me into bed, led me to believe that we were dating and then tried to hide your wife when she arrived in town. You complete and utter bastard." It was then I realized that a gaggle had formed outside of door, listening intently. "You know what, I quit."

"Edith."

"I do. I quit." I turned and moved towards my office to get my things.

"You can't quit."

"Of course I can, I've got an opportunity to work elsewhere and would frankly rather be working anywhere else in the world right now."

"Just a minute, Miss Crawley. I believe that your contract requires six weeks notice before leaving." He called after me after I had already returned to the main office. Sarah was instantly by my side, scowling at Michael.

"Well, I figured, with the company being in so much trouble, that it would run more efficiently without the distraction in her short skirts and tight dresses, messing about with the press releases." I shrugged.

"Wha—well…" He started, then glanced at Sarah who refused to return to her desk.

"I want to hear this. If she gives even one inch I'm going to fire her bony little ass for being totally spineless." Support I never expected but took happily.

"Right, well there may be some advantages, perks to you staying on."

"I think I've had just about all I can take of your perks. And I think you overestimate the allure of your… perks."

My parting words to Michael. And out I went with a pat on the shoulder from Sarah O'Brien. With my box of belongings I walked to Anna's house, brilliant woman to work from home.

I collapsed on the couch with my box and muttered quietly,

"Now what?"

March 24th, 2013

I've done the math and realized that I have enough of a savings to cushion a few months of looking, but I decided that it might be a nice time to visit the country. Mother is still running around the city with her beau, leaving dad sitting on his own. Apparently he and I could form the lonely-hearts club of Downton. Train ride tomorrow. I'm not dreading it as much as usual.

"Edith, was I expecting you?" Dad's appearance surprised me, he apparently gave up shaving.

"No, but I just… I needed to get away from the city for a little bit, if that's all right?"

"Yes, of course." He stammered, moving to let me in. "What about work?"

"I quit. Please, save your lecture on disappointment and how Mary's never quit anything before until later. Please?"

"I… I was going to just ask why."

"Michael."

"Your boyfriend?"

"And my boss. Who turned out to be my married boss." I nodded sadly.

"Seemed like a prick." I almost laughed at that.

"You might've shared your opinion." I shrugged.

"Would it have made a difference? Have you ever care about anything I said?" His tone wasn't loud or angry, it was as though we were having a normal conversation.

"It might have. I might've thought "wow, dad actually seems to care about me for once, there must be something wrong with Michael."' Was my equally calm reply before taking up my things and heading up to my bedroom. I honestly didn't think dad would care a lick about what I had said, that he would actually hear me.

I was down in the kitchen trying to put something together for dinner when he appeared again. We went our separate ways after I arrived, I stayed in my room and I'm sure dad returned to his office to sulk over mother.

"Mrs. Patmore is still bringing groceries over for you?" I asked, noticing that there was a supply of fresh food in the fridge and cabinets.

"Yes, if only I knew how to prepare it… I've consulted a few cookbooks." He lingered near the door for a while as I pulled thing to use for dinner.

"That's a good start. I can make a few things and freeze them for you before I head back to the city."

"You aren't going back so soon are you?"

"Perhaps a week or so. Until I figure out what to do."

"Will you look for another publishing house?"

"I've already interviewed with a few, the only real offer came from a pervert."

"You've already had enough time working for one of those." He smiled timidly. I never thought I would see my father as timid.

"More than enough. Chicken and roast potatoes, does that sound good?"

"Sounds marvelous, and rather like something I burned a few weeks ago."

"Probably just left it in too long."

"I'll watch how you do it, if that's all right?"

"Of course."

I worked in silence for a while, dad watching as I moved throughout the kitchen.

"Is that all there is to it?" He asked as I pulled the dishes from the oven.

"That's all. Do you want to open some wine? I'll set the table." He nodded and moved for the cellar.

"Smells wonderful."

"Have you not been eating well?"

"Well as I can manage. It's rather dreadful being alone like this." He confessed quietly.

"You'd be amazed how well you can get used to it." I replied off handedly.

"You aren't alone, are you?"

"I've always been."

"Surely not when you're here at home."

"If Grandma Martha is here I'm not. Otherwise, yes. Mary's always been your top priority, mother with Sybil. Always has been that way."

"Surely it hasn't always…"

"Last time I was here the first thing you asked me was where Mary was. I'm… never mind…"

"No, what is it?"

"I'm never enough for anyone. I'm never good enough, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I forever come up short. I'm not enough to matter as a daughter, Michael used me as though I was nothing, the only man to ever give me a second thought is caught up with Mary, which means he'll want nothing to do with me when she's broken his heart… I don't know why I bother."

With that I threw down my fork and moved back to the kitchen to start cleaning the pots and pans.

"Edith…" He followed me to the sink. When I didn't turn back his hands stopped mine, pulling the sponge and pan away before turning me to face him. "I love you, sweetheart."

I don't know if it was him pulling me into a hug or the sentiment but I suddenly burst into tears.

"You haven't said that to me in years." I sobbed into his shoulder. "No one has."

"I'll say it more often and mean it." I just nodded and held onto him tightly. "Let's have our dinner and you can tell me about the publishing world."

"I'll never understand why you didn't go into publishing for yourself." I laughed, brushing the tears away from my cheeks.

"Your mother didn't think it was a sensible path."

"Well, mother's doing what she wants now, why don't you? There are so many wonderful books being passed over right now in lieu of trash."

He seemed to pause and think about that for a moment before going back to his plate.

"So, who is the man that passed you over?"

"Anthony Strallan." I could barely contain my annoyance. "Of all the men in world…"

"He and Mary are dating?"

"Certainly the impression Mary has given me."

"What about Matthew?"

"Oh they're doing their little dance of avoidance again."

"Your sister has always had a horrible habit of going through men."

I bit my tongue but smiled just the same, part of me was amused but part of me thought it might be a trap.

March 29th, 2013

What a bizarre week. My father offered to go into business with me.

Crawley Publishing.