A Liar's Paradox
A/N: aw, geez. How has it been? I've missed too much Bleach and now I'm flabbergasted. Old man Yama killed? Ichigo's mom's a Quincy? Augh.
Chapter 2: White.
It wasn't even spring, but there were Sakura petals everywhere where the wedding reception was held. Of course, being the only sister of Byakuya Kuchiki had its perks. Ichigo was surprised though, that the seemingly stoic Captain agreed to call forth his beloved Sakura petals just for this one occasion. The sight of the groom , now crowned Renji Kuchiki instead of the former Abarai, standing happily next to his newly-wedded wife in his formal wedding kimono made his heart sink a little bit more than it had already been. As if the twisting ache in his chest wasn't enough, the moment the bride saw him, she smiled at him with the same smile that caught his heart all those years ago. The only difference was that, he hadn't noticed he liked that smile back then. Even now, when he saw Rukia in the white kimono, her eyes sparkling with happiness, made him wonder why on earth his heart felt so much pain when he thought she looked so beautiful in that kimono.
He should have known that she was out of his reach long before he realized his own feelings. She was from another world, and he was from another different world.
Forcing the corners of his mouth upwards into a smile, he came up to the couple. His steps were heavy, he noted. He could get hurt even more than he was already, like rubbing salt into a freshly cut wound, he noted to himself. But what the hell, he thought. He was way beyond hurt, a small fake greeting wouldn't hurt so much, now would it?
Yep, he thought.
He was about to confidently walk up to the newly-weds, pat Renji hard on his back and congratulate the red-head as earnestly as he could, but then he felt a tugging on his sleeve. He turned around, brown eyes gazing down upon grey eyes that looked as sad as his.
He cursed his self. He made Orihime worry again.
Gently, he lifted his hand and covered hers that tugged onto his sleeve. He tried to reassure her with that fake smile of his. The one he perfected since the death of Masaki.
"Relax, I'm okay. I'm just gonna congratulate them, Orihime."
Her small hand felt warm under his calloused hand, and Orihime wondered if he really was okay. She knew that coming to the wedding was a big mistake, it had been wrong since the beginning. Part of her wanted to really let Ichigo realize that Rukia was not for a human like him, because they were different. She wanted Ichigo to realize that no matter how much he loved Rukia, the black-haired shinigami already had her heart set on someone else. But seeing the hurt in Ichigo's eyes made her hate herself, made her blame herself for her selfishness.
"I'm sorry, Kurosaki-kun."
"For what? Hey, seriously, I'm okay. You can stop worrying too much Orihime."
In the distance, they could hear Rukia's laughter, and then they heard Renji calling out to Ichigo. The orange-head held up a hand, and turned back towards Orihime.
"Thanks, for worrying about me. I'm going now."
Orihime nodded, and let go of his sleeve. He flashed her another smile, one that didn't stretch up enough, and walked towards Renji to give him a pat on the back. She dragged her eyes towards Rukia, who noticed her and motioned for the healer to join them.
"Ichigo, I'm borrowing Orihime for a while okay. I wanna show her around this place."
She saw the young Shinigami nod, and was immediately led away by Rukia towards a garden somewhere away from the crowd.
"Kuchi-... I mean, Rukia-san? Where are you taking me to?"
The shinigami turned around and smiled at the healer. "Our garden. Do you remember that time when you came here to aid Captain Kurotsuchi on his research?"
Orihime tilted her head sideways, trying to remember that time when she was brought to Soul Society to lend her hairpins to Captain Kurotsuchi for research. She had also been asked to stay there so that the eccentric scientist could monitor her. If it wasn't for the fact that Rukia had offered her to stay at the Kuchiki quarters, Orihime wasn't so sure she would have agreed at that time. A few days after she tagged along after Rukia for the Vice-Captain's usual rounds around Squad Thirteen's Barracks, the older woman conjured up an idea to build their own private garden in a secluded area somewhere in the grounds of the Kuchiki household. She smiled at the memory.
"Is it still there? It has been a few years right?"
She could see Rukia nod to her question, just before they stopped somewhere behind Rukia's room before she got married.
"Here we are. What do you think?"
Orihime laughed as she saw the state of their private garden. It was a mess, there were weeds everywhere. The rose bush they worked so hard on was there, and there were only three rosebuds on it.
Rukia scratched her chin. "Yeah, I know. Horrid isn't it? I haven't watched over this garden ever since you went back to your world. It was boring to look after it myself."
The healer smiled at the memories of them going all the way to Captain Ukitake for advice on gardening and Vice-Captain Ise for further knowledge. She remembered that time when they received a wheelbarrow full of seedlings of different types of flowers, courtesy of Captain Ukitake. Orihime had been embarrassed to receive them at first, but then the white-haired captain had already started kneeling in the soil, his sleeves rolled up and all, showing an attentive Rukia how to properly sow seeds.
"Thank you, Orihime."
Said name turned towards the voice, confusion clearly painting her face at the sudden gratitude.
"Hm? For what, Rukia-san?"
The warm smile the older woman wore seconds ago immediately faltered and was replaced with a scowl "It's Rukia, Orihime. Rukia."
Orihime scratched the back of her head, smiling embarrassedly for her blunder yet again. The warm smile that Rukia dropped a few seconds ago immediately came back. She brought up a hand and gave the healer's a gentle squeeze.
"Thank you, for coming here. You and Ichigo coming here today, means so much to me."
For the second time that day, Orihime noticed the intricately-designed wedding kimono and how nicely it fit onto Rukia, how her violet eyes shone brightly, the radiant smile that had been on her lips which was unseen to everyone, but clearly seen by her and a handful of comrades who knew the wielder of Sode no Shiraiyuki. Rukia Kuchiki was beautiful, and the fact that Orihime had seen the younger Kuchiki use her beautiful sword during practice with her brother that one day made her understand why Ichigo loved her.
And that understanding hurt her more than anything. Because sometimes, even understanding does not make accepting easier. Because she knew Ichigo loved Rukia as she is, as the brave and strong woman who had helped him realize his reason for fighting, who encouraged him and pulled him out of his insecurities during that time when he doubted himself.
And she hated herself for being jealous, because Rukia was her idol, she looked up to the black-haired shinigami. So why was Rukia thanking her?
"I don't think I deserve your gratitude, Rukia-san."
The grasp of Rukia's small but strong hand that was on hers tightened, and her smile faltered. Her violet eyes softened.
"Hey now, Orihime..."
Said name chuckled, hollow and humourless, so uncharacteristic of her. Then the lifts on the corners of her mouth faltered as she tried to hold back her tears.
"I really wanted to come here just to see you, at least, I tried telling myself that... but actually I... The truth is that I wanted him to just see for himself how happy you are with Renji and that he... That he can never have you because... because he's different from you... that he can never be with you... Oh god, I'm horrible."
Despite being shorter than Orihime, Rukia stepped closer towards the troubled woman and cupped her face with her hands. Slowly and gently, she lifted Orihime's face so that she could look into the pair of stormy grey eyes.
"Maybe that's the right thing to do after all, Orihime. I love both you and Ichigo, and I hate it when you blame yourself. You have to sometimes let yourself feel something other than guilt. Because you don't deserve to feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty for."
The warmth of Rukia's hands was too much for her and she choked before she fell into a bout of tears. As if she was a child again, her legs gave up and she bawled as Rukia cradled her head.
"I'm sorry, Rukia-san! I'm sorry!"
Stroking the mass of golden hair belonging to one Orihime Inoue, Rukia shushed the apologies spilling out of the human's mouth.
"You really love him, Orihime."
Rukia had fought countless enemies, she was fearless, and powerful. Though she kept her formalities and manners as a woman bearing a noble name, she was nothing like the prim and proper nobly-born ladies she had acquainted herself with. She liked to believe she was strong and that nothing will stop her and make her cry.
But sometimes, when she sees the wonderful, kind and gentle Orihime... Her Orihime who had willingly followed Ichigo to Soul Society six years ago to save her though she knew for herself that she wasn't experienced in real-life combats but came anyway to provide aid whenever one needed her... her Orihime who loved others more than she loved herself, who tries to heal everyone when she herself needs to rest... her Orihime who was now crying for an unrequited love that she herself was the reason for it...
Rukia just couldn't bear it.
A single tear leaked from underneath her closed eyelid, then another joined the first tear, until she ended up silently crying for her Orihime.
I'm so sorry, Orihime.
(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)
"Cheers, buddy."
Ichigo nodded and replied to Renji. "Cheers man."
Renji watched as the orange-head downed yet another bottle of sake that had been passed around by the maids of the house.
"Good sake, huh."
Ichigo gave Renji a lopside grin, and the new groom knew that his friend had drunk himself silly when he noticed the absence of the scowl and the frown between his orange brows which he used to think that they were permanent. He chuckled as Ichigo chuckled and managed to answer Renji with a "yeah, good sake" while trying to read the calligraphy painted onto the bottle he was holding.
"Hey, Renji."
The red head was searching for Rukia when Ichigo called out to him, and he abandoned the search as he turned towards Ichigo. "Yeah?"
"Congratulations, man. I mean it."
Renji threw his head back as he laughed. "Seriously, Ichigo? Why are you suddenly all touchy-feely huh?"
The younger Shinigami shrugged and let out a chuckle. "Well, I don't know. Just felt like it."
Renji was silent for a second, before he gave a friendly punch onto Ichigo's shoulder.
"Well, thanks. Thank you, Ichigo."
He silently sighed as he felt himself relax a little bit. They were right, the ones who deducted that alcohol was one way to loosen up, whoever they were. Ichigo rubbed the back of his neck to ease the tension he had been feeling ever since the beginning of the wedding ceremony.
Rukia was married. The one he truly ever first loved, was officially taken.
By Renji. His friend. His great buddy, his comrade.
The whole thing was still surreal to him the first time he heard the news not from Rukia herself, but from the ever-so-loose-lipped Rangiku. He had refused to go the first time Orihime asked him, because he didn't want to believe that Rukia was taken. He had been angry. At Renji, because he knew Renji was aware that he harboured feelings towards the female Kuchiki. He was mad at Orihime because he knew she asked him to come with her so that he'll realize what he understood a long time ago but refused to acknowledge, and move on to a new life. A life where he would fall in love with a human, a human from their side of the world.
Well, at least he tried to hate them.
Because he knew that Renji was just as much in a dilemma as he was. The red head knew that being with Rukia would upset Ichigo, but he was in danger of losing Rukia to another suitor from a well-known family and that Rukia would eventually decide to get married if Renji wouldn't stomp on his own ego and admit that yes, he loved her very much.
Ichigo knew that he was also at fault, because he had lied through his teeth that one day by telling Renji that 'I don't love her anymore, it's okay man. Marry her.'
Later that night, for the first time, he drank himself silly at Mizuiro's bar. All the time he had been cursing Renji and Rukia. When Orihime had helped him into his own apartment, he waited until she left before he threw a chair in frustration and cursed himself for being angry at both Rukia and Renji.
The third time Orihime invited him to the wedding, he agreed because he wanted to believe that he would support them.
When Renji had asked for him for a drink, he wanted so much to mean what he said when he congratulated the groom.
"Never thought that I would settle down, huh?"
Ichigo gave a short laugh. "Geez, you're talking as if we won't be hanging out together again."
Renji shrugged. "Well, it might be possible, you know. I mean, unless we have a war, when else would I have to come to meet up with you? Right now everything's in order, and I might even be even busier than ever that I'd probably shit all over my pants."
"Well... yeah. You're right."
It was quiet for a few seconds when Renji spoke up again. "I kinda miss fighting hollows with you."
"Me too, Renji." Their heads turned to each other, and when Renji grinned at him, Ichigo grinned back.
"Me too... Renji."
He prayed that he was being honest.
They stayed silent for a while, just watching the Sakura petals floating about in the small streams around the compound. They saw Ikkaku coming over, and the bald guy gave a pat on the groom's shoulder, said his congratulations before he excused himself to do his rounds at the second division. Before he left them though, he turned around and called to Ichigo.
"Yo, where's Orihime-chan? I haven't thanked her for healing my men last month yet! They've been bitching all day I can't stand it anymore!"
Ichigo scratched his head, and trying not to sound so drunk, he pointed to a spot near the main house of the manor.
"Dunno. Rukia kidnapped her."
Ikkaku laughed, and immediately waved at two figures emerging from the crowds.
"Oh, there they are. Yo! Orihime-chan!"
She blinked when she heard her name being called, and a big smile decorated her face as she waved back at Ikkaku. Ichigo watched from afar as the bald brute greeted his friend in such a friendly manner. Ikkaku was happy to see Orihime, that he could tell, but why, was the question. He could never understand how they became friends, close enough to call each other by names. Even Shinji adored Orihime.
Renji lifted up a hand to squeeze his companion's shoulder.
"Hey, how's she doing? With the divorce and all?"
The young shinigami took a sip of his sake. Looking at anything but Orihime with the bald captain.
"She says she's okay. I mean, she looks happier now. At least that's what I see, I can't say if she's faking it or not."
"She's not."
Ichigo turned to the red head, an eyebrow raised. "Huh?"
Renji shrugged. "I don't know, she just doesn't seem to fake it. You see, when she came here last month to visit Ikkaku-san's squad, she even said that Arisugawa was having a baby with that big smile of hers. She was happy, I could see it."
Ichigo looked at the ground. Tatsuki was five months pregnant, who would've thought?
Sensing Ichigo's slumping shoulders, Renji lightly punched his arm.
"Oy, she's okay, healthy and happy. You don't have to blame yourself anymore. At least she doesn't."
"Well yeah, but…. She might be strong, but you'll never know, right? Maybe she's dying inside or something. I'll never really know unless she smiles, and she does smile a lot, but just… I don't know. I just feel like I should've protected her that day, you know."
Renji blew away a petal that landed on his shoulder and took another sip from his sake.
"Then why aren't you together then?"
"Huh?"
Renji shrugged as Ichigo looked at him confusedly. "You know, you guys might as well hook up or something."
The orange head shook his head, and chuckled. "No no no. That won't do man. We can't. It'll never work."
"But she loves you."
Ichigo looked over at where Orihime was, she was chatting with Hanatarou. The medic shinigami said something with an exasperated look on his face and Orihime laughed, her smile catching the eyes of a few lower-ranked officials nearby.
"Don't say that. I can't promise her anything, I can't love her."
Renji shrugged. "Geez, whatever man. Ah, they're coming over."
The red head waved at Orihime and his bride, his big goofy smile making Orihime laugh a little. Ichigo watched as Orihime chatted with Renji, telling him about a secret garden she and Rukia built. He turned to Rukia, who was blushing slightly when Renji came up beside her to put an arm around her shoulders, bringing her closer. He said something about helping Rukia to recover the overgrown garden so he could spend his alone time with his wife. The shortest of them all pinched her groom on his side, and he replied with a childish grin. They looked very much in love, very happy. They looked good together.
Ah, there it was again. That familiar pang in his chest.
He was gonna stop by Mizuiro's bar that night, and have a drink or two.
They were right, the ones who deducted that alcohol was one way to loosen up.
Whoever they were.
(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)
"You sure you want more, Ichigo?"
Said name nodded, and loosened the bow tie he had been wearing to the wedding. The sleeves of his dress shirt were rolled rather carelessly to reveal his forearms.
It hadn't been an hour when they had just returned to the Living World when Ichigo said he wanted to be alone. Orihime had smiled at him sadly, and went back to her place after thanking him for his company to the wedding. He had watched her back disappear from his sight before he hailed a cab and went to Mizuiro's bar.
Since then, he has been drowning in misery for nearly two hours. He just sat there, at the far end of the bar counter, ordered 'something strong that will wash his pain away'. When whiskey hadn't been strong enough to dull the ache he felt in his chest whenever he thought of how beautiful Rukia had been at her wedding, he asked for his favourite vodka. He took out a few notes, but Mizuiro gently refused. Ichigo seldom came over to get drunk, and being the best friend that he was, he thought that the young doctor deserved to let his pain be ebbed away by alcohol. Just once in a while.
He never knew he could feel so hurt by watching Rukia get married. He never knew someone could look very beautiful yet make him feel as if he was stabbed by needles just at the sight of her.
"Renji you lucky son of a bitch." He chuckled at his own comment, and took another sip of the vodka.
"But she loves you."
Those words also bugged him, ever since they left the Kuchiki Manor.
He knew that, but he didn't love her.
Him and Orihime, they were an odd pair.
"I'm getting married, Kurosaki-kun."
Ah, suddenly he remembered that day. That day when they were all twenty five years old, and Ichigo and Uryuu both passed the National Medical License examination. They were on their way home from Keigo's birthday party at that time, and they were walking together because they lived at the same apartment complex, a few doors away.
"Um… Kurosaki-kun?"
She had stopped suddenly, and he stopped as well, not wanting to leave her behind. "What is it?"
Orihime had been hesitating for a while, before she looked up at him.
"I'm getting married."
He had stood in his spot, frozen. After a few seconds of silence, he finally spoke up.
"Wow, who is it? Someone I know?"
"Uryuu-kun. I'm getting married to Uryuu-kun."
He had been speechless, and he never knew why he had been so surprised. He should have known at that time when he had heard rumors about the older Ishida-sensei being fond of an auburn-haired high-school teacher who came to the hospital regularly, bringing along some beaten up yankee kids from her school. People were talking about how Uryuu would eventually be married to the woman of his father's choice, and he had been nonchalant about it all those times because they were rumors. And Ichigo does not listen to rumors.
So when the rumor had actually been true, he remembered responding in such a way that made him hate himself had he known what would have happened in the future.
"Isn't that great? He's a good guy."
She had blinked at him, and looked into his eyes. He remembered seeing something flicker in her grey eyes, but then she gave a smile that wasn't quite.
"Yeah, he is."
(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)
Flashback
"Can I see Orihime?"
Ryo looked up from her nails to the tall orange head, who was clad in a white blazer and a bow tie of the same colour. She scrutinized him for a few seconds but then relented and stepped aside for him to get through. Michiru emerged from the door, make-up bag in one hand and a smile on her face.
"She's pretty."
Ryo nodded and that was when Michiru sensed Ichigo's presence. She blinked at the young doctor and stepped aside for him. He was turning the door knob when Ryo spoke up from behind him.
"Don't make her cry. You've done enough of that these past few years."
Ichigo heard Michiru gasp, and without turning around to face Ryo, he answered with a silent, "Yeah, okay."
He stepped into the room, and saw her sitting silently in front of the vanity table.
She was beautiful.
Not that he hadn't noticed her beauty before, he was aware of it since god knows when. But at that time she looked very beautiful. The white dress she wore fit her nicely, her long hair was put up into a chignon and a small tiara sat atop her head. The engagement ring which had never fit her finger was made into a pendant for the simple necklace she wore around her neck. She blinked as she noticed him come in, and turning around, she smiled at him.
At that time, something tugged at his gut. She was too beautiful that it hurt him. And he didn't know why.
"Hello, Kurosaki-kun."
Ah, she was still calling him Kurosaki. She hasn't called him Ichigo for a long time. He nodded back.
"Hey there. You look… beautiful."
There was a faint blush on her cheeks as she looked away for a second, before she smiled up at him.
"Thank you."
She stood up and walked towards him, ever mindful not to step on her dress.
"Are you alone? Where's Karin-chan and Yuzu-chan? The twins?"
Ichigo put his hands in his pockets, not wanting her to see him fisting them. "They're waiting in the hall. They said hi."
Orihime smiled again. At that time, suddenly Ichigo felt jealous of Uryuu. He was lucky, to have had the courage to ask Orihime's hand for marriage.
He cleared his throat, and looked at her squarely in the eyes.
"Are you really sure about this marriage?"
She blinked up at him, and suddenly she stepped back a few. The smile that she gave was forced, he knew that.
"Of course I am. I-"
"Why? He's doing this because of his dad, you know that."
Her smile fell, and she turned around, her back facing him.
"Because I want to move on. I... I can't keep loving you anymore. Uryuu-kun said he'll take care of me, he promised me."
Outside the waiting room, Ryo called out to her to get ready. Orihime turned to the closed door, then to him.
"I'll be okay, Kurosaki-kun."
She turned around again to walk towards the door, when his hand grabbed her elbow, stopping her. From behind her, he spoke up.
"But you don't love him."
It was silent for a few seconds, and she finally turned around to face him. She looked up at him, her gaze unwavering as she spoke up.
"Then I'll learn to love him. Like how I learned to love you."
Ichigo was about to speak up when she continued.
"Why are you against this? Kurosaki-kun?"
He swallowed and looked away. He didn't know why. He just felt this aching pain in his chest when he realized that Orihime would be someone else's. That she would look at someone else and she would be protected by someone else, but not him. She wouldn't be there for him anymore.
He felt lonely.
But he couldn't say anything. He stood there, looking anywhere but her. "I don't…know."
She smiled, and spoke up.
"Kurosaki-kun, look at me."
He did as she said, and saw her smile at him. something about that smile seemed serene, and looked as if she's resigned to her fate. Her fate of not being able to be his.
"I love you, Ichigo-kun."
He didn't reply, he couldn't. He stood there, at a loss for words. She waited, for something. Maybe a nod, just something.
When he didn't say anything, she neared him. Gently, she placed her hands against his chest.
Then she kissed him. Ever-so-gently. She pressed her lips onto his, holding back her tears and everything.
She was good at that.
The kiss was brief, and she stepped back to look up at him.
He felt numb. Numb as hell.
When he couldn't answer, Orihime finally spoke up, a smile so serene adorned her face. And he'd be damned if he didn't admit that the smile made him feel weak at the knees.
"I love you."
He swallowed, and his throat felt dry.
Ryo knocked on the door, and called out to her.
"Orihime! Come on!"
"Okay, I'm coming!"
She turned around and walked out of the room, never once turning back to look at him.
End flashback:
(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)
"I was such an asshole."
Mizuiro heard him mumble, and shrugged. "Well, you must have been one, to end up this miserable."
Ichigo glared at the bar tender. Mizuiro didn't even bat an eyelid. "Fine, I'm miserable as hell."
He buried his face in his hands, and tried to forget everything.
He couldn't.
Recalling the day when Orihime got married was not his favorite memory.
Because that first and last kiss she gave him, left his lips burning whenever he thought of her.
"God, Mizuiro. I'm totally fucked up."
"Yes, you are. But hey, at least you have a stable job and a nice family."
"Damn it, I know. But I just…"
He realized then why he was against Orihime's marriage.
It was because he was lonely.
Now that Rukia was married…
He needed her, more so than ever.
Ichigo Kurosaki, aged 28 years old, single and apparently, royally screwed up.