Hey guys! Sorry, I had no internet for a while so I couldn't update. But the good news is that I got an ipad type thing for christmas, so now I can update ALOT more often:))))))) SOOOO happy!

Happy holidays!

I don't own the Outsiders.

Dally POV

I thought a lot about what Tim said. I got to thinking that maybe I didn't have to be tough. Not too tough, anyway.

It was apparent to me that I needed a change, a big one. I didn't have to be exactly like old Dallas Winston, toughest, meanest hood from Tulsa to New York, but I couldn't be little, innocent, cowering Dally either.

At any rate, I needed to get back to Darry and the rest of my brothers. I had an empty feeling inside of me. Actually, I had always had this feeling-since Johnny's death-but now I could identify it.

Memories of Johnny surfaced. How he looked when he was being tuff, how he looked after those socs beat on him, the way his eyes would crinkle when he was really smiling. Everything. And I missed the darkness. People associate dark with pain, but when I was in the dark, I was so much happier.

When I could cry I was so much happier. I had no excuse now. I wanted to sob to the high heavens, curse god for taking Johnny away from me. This boy that had been the only thing to keep me alive for years. The boy that, until a few hours ago, I couldn't remember.

I barged in through the door to find the entire gang sitting agitatedly in the living room. "Dally!" Darry cried. He moved as if to hug me, but thought better of it. "Are you ok man? We've been worried."

I chuckled. When I had had no memory, Darry never called me man. I wasn't sure yet if I liked it or not.

"Yeah, I'm fine Dare. I just got a drink with Tim, he talked to me." Darry looked like he wasn't sure whether to yell at me for drinking or show relief that I was ok.

He settled for a noise somewhere between an indignant snort and a sigh. "Well, I guess thats good. Dal, we wanted to talk with you..."

I raised one eyebrow, and Two-Bit chuckled. He walked over to me and slung an arm across my shoulders. I pushed him away playfully, and he grinned widely.

I hadn't really had a chance to talk to Two-Bit while I had no memory, but now I knew why we were friends; he was light and took everything at the drop of a hat. The polar opposite of me.

"So, wanna go to a party with me and Stevie here?"

"No." Two-Bit pouted mockingly at my quick answer. On instinct, I began to worry if I had hurt his feelings. Than I wondered if I should care. "Sorry Two-Bit, but I just came back from a little bit of a party. And I think I might lie low tonight."

Two-Bit and everyone else in the room looked astounded. "I thought you got your memories back?"

I nodded in confirmation, and winces as another memory of Johnny was brought to my attention. "Yeah, I remember everything. Why?"

"Well..." Two-Bit sounded as though he were choosing his words carefully, and he eyed my hand wearily, perhaps worried I might strike him. I shuddered internally at the thought, then reprimanded myself for being such a wimp. "Well, I thought that once you had your memory back you might...you know, be like old Dallas again."

I felt an unreasonable anger and blinked in surprise, barely able to contain myself from strangling Two-Bit. What is your problem? I asked myself.

"Well," I began, trying to keep my voice even. "I wont be exactly the same Two. It's not like the last two weeks never happened."

Two-Bit looked crestfallen, and I felt hurt. It was apparent that Two-Bit at least had not liked me too much when I was all innocent.

Some of this hurt must have shown on my face because Darry shot Two-Bit a look and said, "Listen, Two-Bit, how about you and Stevie go out. Soda, Pony and I can handle this. Unless either of you want to go with them." He said, asking the question to Soda and Pony.

To their credit, they both shook their head with certainty. Darry smiled faintly, and gestured for me to sit as Steve and Two-Bit left.

I complied, setting myself on the edge of the couch, ready to make a quick escape if necessary.

"So, Dal, how're you doing?"

"Fine." I answered curtly. Hadn't I already been through this?

"Dally, I mean about...Johnny." Darry said finally, dropping all pretense. I didn't answer immediately.

How did I feel about Johnny? I felt like I was standing on ice a centimeter thick. Ice that, if cracked would drop me to my death. I felt like my entire life was meaningless, like my life was only significant as long as I lived fore something.

But I couldn't say that to Darry...could I? "I uh...I don't-can't-" Suddenly I felt too hot, too confined, and overwhelmed. I jumped up and Darry flinched. "I'm sorry Darry. I just need some air."

I ran outside and breathed deeply, not even noticing the tears streaming down my face until I heard the laughing.

"Look here boys! Well, speak of the devil! Winston, we were just talking about you. Talking about how we don't believe your story. We don't believe that you lost your memory. We are gonna...lets say...test you."

They pushed a woman forward. A woman with dark hair, and large, puppy dog eyes...

My mind went into overdrive.

"Johnny why do you stay with your parents?" It was Christmas Eve and Johnny's dad had literally kicked him out of the house. Johnny was nursing his wounds with a grimace, while I watched.

"Gotta protect my mother."

"Why? Man, if she loved you like a real mother should, she would have left your dad a long time ago." Johnny seemed to consider this for a moment.

"She's not strong enough."

"Hell, it ain't that hard." I dismissed with a shrug.

"Really? I know I wouldn't be strong enough."

"Sure you would Johnnycakes."

"No." Johnny said, shaking his head. "i wouldn't. And my mother isn't strong enough either. Sure, she is...not the nicest person I know. Not like Mrs. Curtis was, but she needs me to protect her. It's all I'm strong enough to do."

I remember thinking that it was strange that Johnny was strong enough to take beating after beating for a woman that didn't really love him, but was not strong enough to simply run away to a friends house.

Now I think I know.

As the soc raised his fist to punch the woman, I did what Johnny would have done, and stepped in front of the blow.