Eventually, his mother had had enough and his brother was given the thankless task of delivering the ultimatum.
"Look, Gerard," Mikey said flatly, "we're at our breaking point, and I'm not going to let it kill our mother. You have two choices."
Gerard offered no response. He didn't even register the words being said. He felt numb, and he was concentrating on deliberately feeling nothing – blocking it all out – making it stop. He was getting good at it too.
"Gerard, will you listen, PLEASE?" His brother yelled in red-faced frustration.
Gerard slowly blinked and turned his head to face his angry brother.
"You can take that money," he started, pointing at a plain envelope on the table, "and leave. Just go and do whatever you want. You want to kill yourself? Fine, go and do it already, but stop making us live your misery..." he trailed off for a moment and then continued with quiet hesitation, "Or you can come with me to the taxi, and we'll go to a rehab and therapy clinic. I spoke to them already, and they said not to take anything – just show up and they'll get everything all worked out for you." He got quieter still and offered, "If you don't want me to go with you, I understand. I've been...I've been talking to Frank, and he said he'd help if you'd just let him. Gee, please.
Frank. Frankie. Oh, God, the one person he wanted more than anyone else right now; the one person he knew could make this all right and smile while doing it. Oh, that smile, those melting eyes, that perfect...
Fuck, no! He screamed in his mind. What was he thinking? He couldn't be near Frank now. Everyone had to stay away, especially Frank, or they'd all get sucked into his darkness with him, just like Lindsay did. It was all his fault. He wasn't normal. He knew he couldn't let anyone else get hurt because of his selfishness, but he really wanted, no...needed those strong arms. He thought about maybe just keeping his mouth shut and not spewing forth all of the years of frustration, longing and... No! He stopped himself again. No. That 'L' word was supposed to be Lindsay's. That's why she died. She didn't get all of the love she was supposed to, because he had always kept some of his love back for Frank
"Gerard?" Mikey asked, interrupting his thoughts.
He was waiting for an answer, and Gerard still didn't know what to do. He looked down, and realized for the first time that he had a full coffee mug in his hands. It was a thick clay home thrown mug with crackled glaze.
"Lindsay made this," he stated, his voice croaking from not being used for so long.
"Yeah. It's one of hers. I never noticed...I'm sorry, Gee," his brother responded just as quietly.
"I see these everywhere. Remember that phase, Mikey? Huh?" Gerard continued, his voice a little stronger. "We used to laugh about how she was going to cover the world in coffee mugs 'cause she was never happy with the way they came out."
He gently placed the mug on the counter top, giving the handle a tender stroke as he shakily got to his feet. "Ok. I'm going."
Mikey's face fell in grief, rejection, disappointment and a little heartbreak thrown in for good measure. He reached to hand the envelope to his big brother. this is probably the last time I'm going to see him
Gerard's mouth shaped into a cruel smirk -a cruel mockery of his once famous trademark quirky smile. "No, Mikes, you don't get rid of me so easy, I don't want your money.
"I'll go dry out and clean up, but I don't think you should be anywhere near and I don't want a fucking penny"
Mikey's jaw dropped in relief, even as he flinched from his brother's cruel words and disdainful tone.
"Oh, Gee! I'm so glad. You'll see. It'll be ok. It's all gonna be fine," he babbled, "but Gerard, take it anyway. You might need it."
Gerard pursed his lips in thought. He snatched the envelope, opened it and took out a few bills and tossed the envelope back on the table.
"You said something about a taxi? Taxi fare," he slurred as explanation.
"Sure, sure," Mikey said, now aware, but unable to stop his babbling. "Uh, before you go," he added quickly as Gerard was already making his way down the hall toward the front door, "I knew you wouldn't want me to go, so I already called Frank this morning. He's out there – waiting. I just thought I should warn you in case..."
Gerard's hand had already half turned the doorknob and he came to a dead halt, frozen to the spot.
"Frank is out there now?"