Chapter two! Shikamaru gets his scheming plans underway, underhanded though they may wind up being...

"I don't know Shikamaru…isn't that kind of mean?" Sakura frowned to herself as she dealt with some particularly troublesome maths questions during a free period. She cursed low under her breath and scribbled out her working; locating a fresh piece of paper to start over.

"3.5," Shikamaru informed her.

"What?"

"Use 3.5," he repeated, nodding at the question. Her eyes widened as she found the use for such a number and groaned at not having been able to think of it earlier. "Mean? What makes you say that?"

"Sending Naruto a valentine from Sasuke?" she frowned, "I mean, it seems just kind of mean. Remember that time two years ago when Kiba sent one to him, and he got really excited about it and then didn't come to school for a week when he found out it was a joke?"

"Yeah, he was pretty upset about that," Kiba admitted with a wince, "But are you sure you're not protesting because you don't like the idea of someone other than you getting even a fake valentine from Sasuke?" Sakura turned slightly pink and glared at him; tossing a ball-up failed maths problem at his face. He batted it aside with a teasing grin.

"It'll be fine," Shikamaru assured her with a yawn.

"I don't get it though," she sighed, "What's the point in sending one to Naruto and saying it's from Sasuke? He's going to know it was us. And even if you make him think it was Sasuke, what's that going to do?"

"Maybe make them play nice," Shikamaru snorted in a bored tone

"Yeah…until they realise it was us, and then both of them hate us," Sakura sniffed, folding her arms, "I'm not convinced."

"My plan's got a part two," he assured her with a small smirk. "But I'm gonna need your help."

"What kind of part two?" she inquired curiously.

"We accomplish nothing in just sending Naruto a valentine from Sasuke," he explained with a yawn and a small shrug, "But if we can convince Naruto to send one to Sasuke then we start getting somewhere."

"…We send Naruto a valentine, saying it's from Sasuke…and we get Naruto to actually send Sasuke a valentine…I still don't get it," Sakura frowned, "Then we've got Sasuke weirded out by Naruto being nice, and Naruto upset because his pride's wounded and no one loves him."

"That's harsh, Sakura."

"Sorry."

"You have a point," Shikamaru commented lightly, "But if Naruto questioned Sasuke about sending a valentine, Sasuke would deny it to his grave, right?"

"Obviously," Sakura shrugged.

"So, we just make Naruto think that when Sasuke denies it, he's actually admitting it. Or something to that effect. He also knows that Sasuke would never admit to something like that."

Sakura and Kiba exchanged glances, trying to see the logic there. It wasn't really making sense, but this was Shikamaru, and he was renowned for his genius, both in his schoolwork and his scheming, when required. Sakura still looked a bit sceptical.

"There are so many problems with this plan," she sighed heavily, "What are you trying to do?"

"Make them be nice."

"Why do you care if they play nice?" she remarked, moving on to the next maths question, "They've been like this since forever."

"It's troublesome," Shikamaru replied flatly, "Amusing, but troublesome. Just trust me."

" –Naruto's in a bad mood these days, and it can get a bit tense," Kiba explained, rolling his eyes at Shikamaru's lack of real explanation, "And as his friends, we are honour bound to cheer him up. And it wouldn't hurt for him and Sasuke to get on sometimes. Other people get stuck in the crossfire. Naruto accidentally broke Lee's nose two days ago coz he was too busy focussing on beating Sasuke in a soccer match –"

"Is Lee okay?" Sakura asked in shock.

"Totally fine; he admired Naruto's enthusiasm," Kiba shrugged it off and she sighed.

"I guess it'd be nice if they got along," she sighed, "…Or if Naruto at least stopped complaining. But isn't there something in that friend code about not manipulating your friends?" she added with a raised eyebrow.

"…We have to cheer him up; nothing in the rules about doing it fairly," Kiba shot back, "Chill out, Sakura; Sasuke's real valentine has to go to someone, and god knows, it could be you." He rolled his eyes and shook his head at Shikamaru as she lowered her head to continue with her maths problem.

"You don't believe that."

"Oh, I totally do," he assured her, again shaking his head at Shikamaru.

"Kiba, I can fucking see you."

"So are you on board?" Shikamaru inquired curiously.

"Tell me the plan," she sighed heavily, "But I think you're forgetting that Naruto would never send a valentine to Sasuke; he's way too proud and claims to hate him too much to ever do that!"

"Exactly," Shikamaru smirked and Kiba nodded in agreement.

"I think you're wildly underestimating Shikamaru," he assured her and then frowned, "…Wait…Shikamaru, that didn't even make sense?"

Uchihas are sexy

I love you, I do

Come back to my place; I'll prove it

And bring Sasuke too

"Hidan, Itachi's going to completely know that was you, yeah," Deidara rolled his eyes with a grumble, "…But it's genius, so it stays."

"Fuck yeah," Hidan smirked triumphantly, getting Deidara to write the poem into one of the cards in one of his various beautiful handwriting styles that, as an art student, he'd developed –although it was mostly for the specific purpose of Itachi not being able to recognise his writing.

"…Sometimes I wonder why you're failing English," Kisame commented flatly.

"Yeah; I fucking know, right?" Hidan snorted.

"Ahh…" he remarked dryly.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm not good at poetry but I'm pretty; please have my babies, they'd be so beautiful.

"I like it," Kisame admitted, "Very to the point."

"What can I say, I've got a flair for fucking literature," Hidan smirked.

"Oh I wouldn't say that," he rolled his eyes.

" –What are you doing?" Itachi Uchiha's voice inquired narrowly as he entered the nearly-empty senior common room.

"Homework," Hidan lied terribly; cramming his drafted valentines into his bag innocently. Itachi didn't buy it for a second.

"You don't do homework," he remarked flatly, "…Do you even go to class?"

"Hey, I went to one today!"

"…How many were you meant to have?"

"…Three –not the fucking point, Itachi," Hidan sniffed crossly; having managed to stall long enough for Deidara to shove the cards into his bag and perch himself on the desk as the complete picture of innocence. Itachi raised an eyebrow.

"Kisame, what have they been doing?" he inquired smoothly.

"…Homework," Kisame confirmed with a smirk. Itachi just rolled his eyes in exasperation and slung his bag down; toppling onto the couch in exhaustion. He appeared to be sweating slightly. "…I didn't know you took gym as a class, Itachi," he couldn't resist adding cheekily.

"I might as well," he growled into the couch cushions, "I spend the length of a class running away from those rabid females." He raised a foot in the air. "One of them stole my shoe! What are they going to use that for?" Kisame laughed as he looked over and saw Hidan and Deidara genuinely deep in thought.

"Too weird-shaped to shove up their pussy," Hidan commented with a frown, rubbing his chin in concentration, "Maybe sell it to a dude so he can jack into it?"

"…Maybe it's a smell thing, yeah? Like, they get turned on by the smell?" Deidara suggested.

"Foot fetish?" Hidan offered.

" –Good call, yeah…" Deidara nodded, mulling over his possibility.

" –I don't actually want to know," Itachi groaned as Kisame sniggered and rolled his eyes; Deidara and Hidan smirking, having accomplished their daily task of making Itachi uncomfortable.

"Seriously, Itachi, just fucking pick one of those bitches and be fucking done with it," Hidan snorted in a bored tone, "She'll be over the fucking moon and the other sluts can get over themselves. And you'll have a sweet pussy to be fucking whenever you want." Itachi sat up and rolled his eyes at Hidan's crude language. "Dude, you literally have tight bitches swarming on you. You could have a different chick every week! You're fucking ruining it for the rest of us. Selfish, is what you are."

"You're a jackass," Itachi reminded him; shoving him in the face playfully as he grabbed his chemistry textbook and took a seat at one of the desks to start on his homework. Hidan just sniggered.

"I know, right," he chuckled, "That's why I have to settle for little bitch-men like Deidara." He yanked Deidara's hair, and wound up on the floor as the blonde punched him in the gut.

"For the record, I have never, and will never sleep with him, yeah," Deidara growled, "Mostly because I'm into females –but yeah, Hidan, you're a cock."

"You are what you eat, I suppose," Kisame remarked mockingly. Hidan glared at him.

"Yeah? Well, you must…eat a lot of tuna…Fuck that was lame as shit," he grumbled from the floor; Deidara cackling at his awful comeback, "…But seriously, Itachi? Why don't you just date someone? It'd stop them fighting over you."

"Would it really?" Itachi commented flatly, "I have the feeling that it would just cause the others to become even more violent."

"He has a point," Kisame admitted, "They're pretty volatile."

"Send an anonymous valentine then, yeah," Deidara suggested with a grin, "You've never sent one before; so you should this year. You too, Kisame!" Kisame let out a short bark of laughter.

"No thanks," he snorted, "There's no one really I'm interested in." He looked over to Itachi to see the raven genuinely thinking about what Deidara had said.

"…What would I even write?" he mused; almost to himself, and immediately, Deidara and Hidan were on either side of him; ensuring that there was no way he'd be able to get his study done in peace.

"So there is someone you want to send one to?" Deidara pestered cheekily, "Who is it? Do we know them?"

"This is a hypothetical situation," Itachi assured them crossly.

" –Who's this hypothetical person?" the blonde persisted.

"…Someone I've…for a while," he mumbled. Hidan and Deidara's mouths fell open in astonishment.

"You've had a crush? Since when?" Hidan exclaimed, "Itachi, I'm fucking hurt that you didn't tell us. We're your best friends!"

"…I don't know about that…" Itachi rolled his eyes; looking over at Kisame who just smirked unsympathetically; taking advantage of the two head-cases being distracted enough for him to start on his biology work.

"Are you gonna sign it, yeah?" Deidara inquired curiously, "Seriously, who is it? Pretty? Cute? Sexy? What's your type? Do you even have a type, Itachi?" He frowned to himself, "…Man, I kinda always thought you were asexual, yeah."

"I'm sorry to shatter such an illusion," Itachi deadpanned.

"So have you ever had a wet dream, yeah?"

"Kisame, could you please remove them?"

" –Sorry, Itachi; I save you from fangirls, not your friends," Kisame called back; not bothering to look up from his work, but knowing that the Uchiha was glaring at him.

"Was that a yes?" Deidara hissed, "Hidan; that was a yes, yeah?"

"Totally," Hidan smirked, "So, who was it about?"

" –Go away, you guys are no help," Itachi snorted.

" –They're totally normal," Deidara assured him comfortingly, "I mean, like, Hidan did have this weird one where Kisame –"

"Fucking jeez!" Hidan snapped; swatting the blonde in the chest with Itachi's chemistry textbook as Kisame openly sniggered; looking over at the other three with his chin rested in one hand. Itachi looked like there was nothing more he'd rather do than slink under the desk with his chemistry book and never be seen again.

" –But seriously, it was super weird," Hidan admitted, "No; come on, Itachi –don't go! We'll be good; cross our fucking hearts!" He ruined the vow by cackling wickedly at the end –for which, Deidara shoved him roughly.

"You two are animals," Itachi sniffed with what looked like the beginnings of a pout as he got up from his seat.

"…Uhh…have you seen Kisame?" Hidan chuckled.

"I'm going to the library," Itachi declared dryly; grabbing his things and stalking from the common room, still in only one shoe. The door clanged shut behind him.

"Wait up, Itachi!" Kisame hollered; trying to not laugh, "Guys, that was mean –he wanted your advice –god knows why; your valentines are shocking." Hidan and Deidara exchanged guilty looks and sighed.

"…Fine," Hidan sighed, "…We'll send him one nice one." Deidara apparently agreed that this was an acceptable apology. Kisame chuckled heartily; looking out the window and seeing that Itachi was waiting for him to join him for the trip to the school library.

"Yeah; a nice one, to show him how lucky he is to have friends like us, yeah," Deidara added.

" –Well, make it stand out, or it might just get binned with the rest that he thinks are from you guys," Kisame reminded them with a smirk.

" –But that's the genius thing; he won't fucking expect a nice one from us!" Hidan reminded him, "I'm a fucking thinker, Kisame!" Deidara elbowed him in the gut.

"Go to class, you bloody moron," Kisame chuckled; waving them off and slinging his bag over his back; heading off to meet Itachi –who was apparently already drawing fangirls to him.

"Would you like me to carry you?" he added cheekily, having noticed that the Uchiha had removed his shoes and now his socks were rather dirty.

"That will not be necessary," Itachi sniffed haughtily, but Kisame heard him chuckle slightly as they wandered through the school. "…Would you seriously do it?"

"…Probably, if you asked me to," he laughed, and then started shooing away the girls that were slowly sneaking closer and dropping into line behind them. "Come on ladies, back away; you know the drill," he sighed. "No restraining orders this year, okay?" Itachi chuckled to himself.

"Thank you, Kisame."

It was fourth period of yet another new day, and Naruto was irritated. He'd spent much of the previous few days secretly keeping one eye trained on Sasuke; just trying to figure out which females he interacted with most, just trying to identify who this mystery valentine could be going to! It was infuriating. So far he'd come up with zilch. Well, his detective skills weren't exactly stellar.

There was no one.

He treated them all the same. Even Sakura and Ino, who he'd known since he could practically walk, he regarded with the same, uninterested mask and just shoved his hands in his pockets whenever he was offered anything.

But he had taken one of those red cards –so there had to be someone it was going to.

Maybe it was someone who he interacted with least? Maybe he was just playing secretive. Maybe he liked a girl that played hard-to-get as opposed to throwing herself at him? Maybe he could ask Sasuke? No…he'd definitely say it was none of his business and probably gloat over Naruto not knowing.

Ugh, there were too many possibilities and too many options. It could be any girl in the school! Annoyed and burdened with his incurably curious nature, he buried his face in his book; hoping that maybe the science in the textbook would be magically absorbed through his skin and into his brain.

"What's this that you were saying about Sasuke?" Kiba's voice suddenly became rather audible from somewhere downstairs in the library. Naruto's ears perked up at the sound of his voice and the mention of Sasuke's name; peering down from the upstairs study desks and seeing Sakura with Shikamaru and Kiba down there.

"Ssh!" Shikamaru hissed, "He might be around!" Oh, this had definitely caught his interest.

" –Who?" Kiba whispered.

"Naruto; ssh, and come with me!" Shikamaru growled; looking around. Naruto ducked out of sight, and peered down through a gap in the railing to see Shikamaru gesturing for them to head deeper into the library. What could Shikamaru be talking about? How very interesting!

Abandoning his text books in favour of something much more worthy of this time, he slunk down the stairs and headed towards the non-fiction section. He ducked down low behind the book stands as he heard whispering.

"What are we doing here?" Kiba whispered quietly.

"We didn't know where Naruto was," Sakura informed him quietly, "And he doesn't come to the library, so…"

"What's this about?" Kiba frowned, "You said something about Sasuke –"

"Ssh!" Sakura and Shikamaru hushed and he clamped both hands over his mouth. Naruto could see their feet on the other side of the stacks. "We…Shikamaru…Sasuke gave his valentine today."

"What?" Kiba whispered, "Shit."

"He gave it to me," Shikamaru sighed, "And…it's troublesome, but I kind of saw the name."

" –Don't tell me…" he breathed.

"Yeah," Sakura remarked bitterly, "…It was Naruto."

What?

Naruto promptly stumbled backwards and knocked an entire shelf-worth of books over. He cursed under his breath; seeing the feet moving. Quickly, he made an escape to the next stack over and appeared to have avoided discovery.

He needed to hear more of this!

"You're fucking kidding, right?" Kiba hissed.

"I wish I was," Shikamaru muttered, "I don't know what to do."

"Why are you telling me?"

" –We thought you'd know what to do," Sakura explained, "You're like, Naruto's best friend, after all."

"How am I meant to know what to do?" Kiba hissed, " –Are you sure it was Sasuke?"

"I've known him since I was seven. I know what Sasuke Uchiha looks like," Shikamaru deadpanned, "It was him, and it was Naruto's name."

" –Why didn't you read the message?" Sakura whispered, "I mean…maybe it was a…a hate valentine?" Naruto's mood soured at the suggestion, but the thought had crossed his mind just then.

" –Sasuke Uchiha has sent one valentine ever," Shikamaru snorted, "You think he'd use it on a hate valentine to Naruto?" There was silence for a long moment.

It's a joke. This is a joke, Naruto growled inwardly.

"It's a joke," Kiba snorted, voicing those thoughts aloud. "It has to be, right?"

"A lot of effort and secrecy for a joke," Shikamaru pointed out, "And come on…maybe it's not so unreasonable? Naruto's the only person Sasuke tolerates…he puts up with his shit better than a lot of us –"

"That's true," Sakura had to admit.

" –He even respects him," Shikamaru added, "He offered to tutor him, and always teases him –admit it; Naruto's the only person that Sasuke's ever been even kind of friendly with."

"Way to rub it in, Shikamaru," Kiba elbowed him, reminding him that one of Sasuke's fangirls was in their midst.

"It's okay, Kiba…" Sakura sounded upset, "…I mean…Sasuke never really showed much interest in girls, I suppose…" She sighed heavily, "I still can't believe it…So…what do we do, Kiba? Tell Naruto?"

"Why would we tell him?" Kiba scoffed, "He'll just think it's a sick joke and punch him!"

"Well, if we warn him, then maybe we can give him time to think about it…and consider Sasuke's…feelings…" Sakura's voice stammered slightly.

"You think Naruto would be able to handle something like this delicately?" Shikamaru rolled his eyes, "Come on…And I mean, this has got to be a big step for Sasuke…" There was a long pause.

" –And what would Naruto say?" Sakura agreed with a sigh, "I mean, I bet he couldn't even find something nice to say about him; he's never nice to him. I just…don't want Sasuke's feelings getting hurt…Naruto's pretty blunt. He might confront him!"

"Oh fuck," Kiba facepalmed, "That'd be the worst. Like Sasuke would ever admit to sending him a valentine –especially if Naruto was just going to be a dick about it. Fuck, this isn't good. Do we tell him, or just…not tell him?"

"We were hoping you'd be able to tell us," Shikamaru commented dryly. Kiba mulled this over for a while.

"Well…if it was anonymous…it might not matter," he hissed urgently, "Naruto might just think it was some girl!"

"That'd be tough on poor Sasuke though," Sakura pointed out, "…He's anonymously telling Naruto how he feels about him…and he's just going to keep on thinking that Naruto hates him! It's so sad. We should tell him; maybe he can –"

"No," Shikamaru argued, "He's too proud for that! He wouldn't admit that there's anything he likes about Sasuke; and he'd probably just hold this confession over him and use it against him –and to make all the fangirls jealous. I think we just leave it. Let him think it's a girl. Sasuke's a man; he can handle it." The pair of them looked over at Kiba to be the deciding vote.

"…We're not telling him," Kiba shook his head quietly, "I mean, we're friends with him, and all…but we can't do that to Sasuke. We can't out him like that. Imagine the backlash…and the girls would kill Naruto if they found out that Sasuke liked…" He left the sentence hanging and they all sighed.

"Okay…then…we just…" Sakura stuttered, "I guess we just…pretend we don't know?"

"I guess so," Kiba shrugged, "I mean…it's only a few days until Valentine's Day…Shit…I'm gonna feel real bad when they read out that valentine and Naruto gets his hopes up and Sasuke ends up fucking crushed when the idiot gets excited that he got something from a girl…It's probably got how he really feels –bet that bitchy attitude's just a cover, too." All three of them sighed heavily; Sakura sounding decidedly put out.

"…I can't believe he'd choose that idiot over me," she murmured.

"Come on, let's go find him; I think Naruto wanted to do some physics homework," Kiba muttered and they nodded in agreement. Naruto immediately ungainly dove out of sight as they scuttled past him; completely missing their triumphant looks but catching a few brief snatches of their exit conversation. But that wasn't what was currently going through his head.

He just sat there for a long moment; dejectedly looking at the books laid out in front of him.

Sasuke liked him? Sasuke Uchiha, AKA the bastard, liked him?

Sasuke was sending him –the very male moron –a valentine? Not one of those pretty girls. Him.

If he was being honest, he thought it was a joke –whether by Sasuke, or by Shikamaru and Sakura. But like Shikamaru said... it seemed like a lot of effort to go through for just a joke. And Sakura had sounded so genuinely upset, and Shikamaru was usually too lazy for pranks. So…maybe…maybe it was true…

"…They should just tell me," Naruto snorted, "I wouldn't make fun of him –" Well…that wasn't entirely true. Okay, so he would've definitely lorded it over the fangirls…and maybe made a bit of fun of the Uchiha –but wouldn't he be a bit entitled to? After all, Sasuke was an asshole –

Bet that bitchy attitude's just a cover.

What if it was just a cover?

Shit. Dammit! If they thought they had it bad; he was the one actually getting it! He'd never been confessed to by a girl before –let alone a guy –let alone his arch enemy! And if it was an anonymous valentine –which it would be –how did he pretend he didn't know who it was from? He gripped his hair tightly as he fought internally with himself.

Sasuke…liking him? Sasuke. Sasuke Uchiha. He really couldn't grasp this information!

Maybe…maybe he could talk to him; confirm it?

No…he'd deny it. Naruto would deny it if it was him. He'd deny it to his damn grave. Unless Naruto pretended to confess –hence forcing Sasuke to confess…

But if it wasn't true, then that would be mortifying for him…and it was a bit underhanded, in any case. He pouted.

Why were his friends so right about him? If he found out it was Sasuke, he probably would have thought it a joke and punched him; probably hated him even more for having the gall to pull something like that. And did they say he was too proud to admit something nice about Sasuke?

Tch, he could do that!

…

Okay, it was going to take some work. Maybe he could plan a…how did one plan a speech in response to an anonymous valentine? GOD; curse this curious nature. He wished he hadn't heard! But then he would've wound up hurting Sasuke more…and…this was too much. His brain was hurting and his chest was hurting and the world was spinning a little bit. Too much was going through his head.

Okay.

Naruto let out a long breath to calm himself; having realised that he was maybe hyperventilating slightly. The exhale didn't do much to help. Shit; what did he do? He wasn't good at this kind of thing! Usually Shikamaru would know what to do…but clearly he didn't.

He had time. Valentine's Day wasn't here yet. One step at a time, Naruto, he reminded himself. The planning a rejection speech and figuring out how to prove to his friends that he could totally be nice to Sasuke could come later. Right now, he had to treat this like a rumour; just a little whisper in the grapevine. Until it was more than just that, he couldn't bring himself to believe.

So, step one.

…Somehow, short of flat out asking, confirm that Sasuke Uchiha liked him...

Oh Shikamaru, you are too schemy (that's not a word...) for your own good -or for Naruto's it seems. You know too much. Or is Naruto just too predictable? Perhaps both?

Well, despite initially being conflicted about this plan, Sakura's on board. Will the ends justify the means...? And what will Naruto decide?

[FYI Much Ado About Nothing is my favourite Shakespearean play. I've done something like this before with "Some Cupid Kills with Arrows, Some with traps" and kind of wound up doing something similar with this one (so I do apologise for that). But the story is different! Oh the scheming, though.]

See you next chapter. Review?

xx K