I'm sorry again about the long wait between updates. As I said before this story is almost over but I'm in my last semester before I graduate and it's a real doozie. I should be able to finish this before the end of the hiatus but we'll see. On another note, Regina's dream is in italics in this one. I really need to get my fonts straight. Also, potatoes. Enjoy!
"You have to understand, when I first met Regina, we hated each other. I wouldn't have pissed on her if she was on fire. Well… that's not entirely true. There was that time I pulled her out of a burning building. But shit, she got on my nerves."
Emma's audience stared back at her blankly. She sighed and leaned back in the rocking chair. "But you don't understand. Things between us have evolved over the years. I saved her life at least half a dozen times. She raised my son, helped my family even though she hated them, gave me my happy ending with Henry to the detriment of her own interests… how could I not want to look out for her?"
"It sounds like the two of you have a complicated relationship. Alchemists in this world say that the same materials used for hatred are also required for love."
Emma frowned at his use of the word "love." Did she love Regina? She certainly loved to have inappropriate relations with her. Over the past week her spare time was spent aggressively seducing the Latina. She'd climbed into her window at four in the morning with a double-sided dildo, pulled her into a dark alley during her lunch break for some teacher-student role playing, sent her dirty pictures during a town hall meeting and ate her out behind the counter of the pawn shop while she haggled a golden egg with Peter Cottontail. It was the most thrilling and yet tranquil part of her day. "Well, um… yes, things between us are complicated. A few years back the wicked with killed my friend, Captain Hook. We had a thing, so I was pretty bummed. Gold had lost his powers when he sacrificed them to defeat his father, so he convinced Henry to kill him so he could become the Dark One and stop the Wicked Witch. It… it sent me over the edge. I used the witch's son, Leer, as bait. Just when I was about to kill her, Regina stopped me. At the time she was adamant that at least one of Henry's mothers have a pure heart."
The vacant eyes only half listening to her story blinked in confusion. "She holds your heart in high esteem. What's complicated?"
The blonde princess sighed and flicked her bangs out of her eyes in frustration. "Our history. Even with all that hanging between us, we can't stop ourselves from duking it out all the time. To tell you the truth I think she enjoys it." Maybe I do too she added privately as she rocked back and forth in the chair. "We got in a magic fight once over a city ordinance about traffic cones in front of the pawn shop. One thing led to another and before you know it she admits to being a Republican. Socially liberal—but still! It all went downhill from there. The mayor pitched a bitch fit and wouldn't let us use magic for a week because we accidentally turned the town's only Laundromat into a gay bath house for centaurs. Shit, not six months ago we got into a prank war that lasted for two weeks. She pretended not to be participating but we all knew she was. Especially after Mary Margaret drank the herbal tea laced with ex-lax that was supposedly meant for me. I don't really know when it stopped being serious. We used to just try to kill each other all the time. Well, mostly she tried to kill me—
"Blah! Blah! Blah!" The wild-eyed elderly woman in the nursing home bed interrupted Emma's inane ramblings. Her purple dress had been replaced with a hospital gown but she still wore an elaborate headpiece that covered any hair she might have. "No one cares about your weird love life, Princess Charming. Kronk! Why do you allow her to use you as a therapist without demanding shillings? No one should have to listen to this crazed babbling unless they're being paid a fortune or have been provided with a country to rule over!"
"What?" Emma scowled. "He's a good listener! I don't have anyone else to talk about this stuff with."
"How did your, ex, Neal, feel about your association with the Evil Queen?" Kronk asked, now interested. His bronzed, bulky shoulders glistened impressively as he leaned forward. It was hard to decide what was cuter, his sincerity or the derpy look on his face.
"Oh, well," Emma ignored Yzma and resumed spilling her private thoughts to Storybrooke's newest interlopers. "We had to work on him. He couldn't accept the fact that Regina was our son's mother for a while. He used to complain that my relationship with her was weird and it made him uncomfortable. Things had gotten pretty bad between us by then. I really wanted to see if it could work but it just wasn't like it used to be when we were kids. Instead of boosting cars and taxing walmart supercenters we had to be responsible parents."
Kronk nodded solemnly as Yzma rolled her eyes. Emma sighed again, but this one was a breathy sigh of suppressed longing. "She gets under my skin. Sometimes when my phone rings and I see its her, my heart races and I get so excited. Even if she's just bitching at me about something I sit there on the phone with a big, dumb grin on my face. It's pathetic. She'll walk into a room and I start babbling like an idiot."
"Aaaawww!" Kronk cooed in his gravely voice.
"Oh, bleeding hearts of the world unite!" Yzma groaned. "Enough of this. I need to return to my lab!"
"For the last time, Yzma, your lab is not here!" Emma protested.
"Kronk!" Yzma shouted, ignoring the blonde. "Pull the lever!"
"For Gods' sake, don't pull the—
Kronk obediently pulled the first "lever" within his reach. Yzma's hospital bed flapped wildly as it adjusted automatically. "Wrong lever!" she squawked. Kronk hurried to turn the bed off.
Emma got to her feet. "Anyway, thanks for the intell and the ear folks. I'll come visit again in a few days." She left Yzma's room, confident that she at least had some of the information she needed. As she exited the nursing home and headed towards the bug, she dialed the mayor's office.
The receptionist transferred her to Belle's direct line. "Emma!" Belle greeted her warmly. "Any news?"
"Well, from what I gather, Kronk and Yzma were trying to banish their emperor, Kuzco, to a land without magic so Yzma could usurp him. Their plan backfired because, frankly, they're idiots. They ended up here instead. Yzma's spell made that portal open in Cali and it caused a ripple effect on all the magical hotspots like this one. I'm guessing that's how the Pixies got through."
"I see," Belle mused. "We'll have to find a way to get Yzma and Kronk home before they cause any more trouble. Any idea what the Pixies want yet?"
"Honestly Belle, I think they just want to raise Hell. Mab cares when she feels like it, and usually she doesn't. Unsurprisingly she's very taken with Regina."
"What I don't understand is why it would be so catastrophic for them to coexist with us."
"Belle, they turned my dad into a dog. My mom thought it was cute at first but he ruined three of her throw rugs and he won't stop humping the Captain Hook plush doll from Disney World that I got my little brother. It's just getting weird."
Emma pictured Belle rubbing her temples through the phone. "Well, I've been reading up a bit on Pixie lore and it seems as though latent desire plays a big role in their particular brand of chaos. Otherwise, there's no pattern. This is bad, Sherriff."
"Tell me about it. My dad closed that portal out west so that should hold them off for a little bit, but not much longer."
Belle encouraged her to keep investigating and something about how humpty dumpty had a big fall and landed on top of Sister Astrid, who now had a concussion. Her voice faded to a background buzz as the blonde's thoughts turned to Regina. They often did.
"These floating lights were not here before," Regina said out loud. She was aware of a heavy gown and cape draped around her shoulders as well as a carpet of dried leaves underneath her feet. She spun around to survey her surroundings and found herself to be in a more trippy version of the enchanted forest. The trees and wildlife were in brighter colors than she remembered.
One of the floating lights drifted near her face and she swatted it away impatiently. "Will-o-wisps," she mused darkly. "This is Pixie magic and I am not amused. Mab, if you are here somewhere, floating around like some annoying buzzing pest know that I am very angry that you have decided to manipulate my dreams as a part of some undoubtedly vulgar prank."
The wil-o-wisps and the forest were both silent. Grunting with annoyance, Regina began to trudge through the dead leaves. If this was a lucid dream of some kind, she was going to have to wake herself up somehow. That usually involved looking for danger.
A grey deer—clearly an older buck, judging by the size of its antlers—jumped out from behind a bush and Regina stopped. It didn't run away, as most deer did when they saw a creature on two legs, but rather stared at her.
"Well?" Regina asked it impatiently.
The buck blew air through his nostrils and began to trot away. Regina followed, as was custom when one saw magical deer in dreams. The two of them shuffled through the foliage for a while until they reached a clearing with a gently babbling stream. The stream had flecks of shimmering gold in it, but other than that it looked very familiar…
"I know this place," she said aloud. The buck stopped to stand next to her as a younger version of herself, followed by Snow White at the age of eleven or twelve walked into the clearing from the opposite direction.
"Oh, come on!" Regina said out loud in annoyance. Her other self and baby Snow White didn't acknowledge her. Of course they were unaware of her presence, this being a dream and they in another dimension. She had a vague memory of what this was and it made her guts churn.
"This is it Regina," Snow said, looking up at her young step-mother with familiar eyes. "The place my mother used to take me to. She would read me stories right here in this spot." Snow took young Regina's hand and led her to a tree stump.
"Did you want me to read to you Snow? We didn't bring any storybooks." Young Regina said, clearly unaware of the point of this venture.
Snow shrugged. "No, that's what me and her did. I wanted to show you so we could come up with our own stuff to do." The girl awkwardly kicked the ground and looked at her feet. "I know me and Father haven't been around much. He takes me out on his travels and I've no choice but to go, but I'd rather be with you… you have seemed sad lately."
Regina felt her insides hollow out and her breath leave her throat. She was going to tear Mab's wings off when she saw that annoying sprite if it was the last thing she did. Her younger self looked chagrinned. "Well… there's no need for you to worry about that, Princess. Come here on this stump and sit on my lap."
Young Regina took her seat and patted her knee. Snow couldn't have looked more thrilled as she crawled up onto her lap and snuggled her step-mother, looking up at her with shining eyes filled with adoration that reminded Regina of….
Overhead, a pair of squirrels chased each other on some branches. "I wish I had brought along my bow and arrow," Snow said as she looked up at them. "Father says I need to practice more."
Young Regina frowned. "On a pair of innocent squirrels? Why kill a creature that has done nothing to you, Princess?"
Snow frowned. "They're animals. We eat them."
"Only when we must. We've lived too long in a castle filled with excess, you and I. You must put yourself in a creature's shoes, Snow White. You must understand what it is like to feel so small in a world so big."
Regina's younger self only let the sadness show on her face for a moment before poking her step-daughter in the ribs playfully. "Why, when you come to understand the deer and the birds and the trees, you make yourself one with them and they will be your greatest allies in times of need."
"Really?" Snow asked. "Can you teach me how? It can be our thing!"
Young Regina nodded. "Of course." She called out softly to the squirrels in the trees and they both leapt down eagerly to the two young humans. "Just remember to be gentle, Snow White…"
Regina as the observer rolled her eyes dramatically. "My Gods, what a display of foolishness. To think I was once that idiotic young woman. I had never realized before now how much of Snow White's simpering idealism is my fault. Yet another apology I owe the citizens of the Enchanted Forest."
The grey buck standing next to her seemed to give her an exasperated look before the two visions of Snow and Regina's younger selves dissolved and turned into swarms of wil-o-wisps that began to reform into separate beings. One cluster swirled into long strands of blonde hair. "Emma!" Regina felt her face flush and her eyes brighten at the sight of her lover. She was wearing a simple pink cotton dress with her sword strapped to her hip and her golden hair curled in that princess style that looked so good on her.
The other wil-o-wisps turned into their son. He looked as handsome as ever with his hair tucked in his favorite beanie that matched a dark blue tunic. Regina tapped the buck on it's furry shoulder and pointed at him happily. "My baby boy. Isn't he adorable?"
The buck gave her another ironic look.
These apparitions were apparently aware of her presence, unlike their previous forms. Emma smiled and crooked her finger, indicating that Regina should come closer. "Get your royal ass over here and give mama bear a kiss," she said with a sultry wink.
Regina couldn't stop herself from smiling back. "You know I'd love to, dear, but you're not Emma. Unfortunately, you're an apparition created by wil-o-wisps and this is a trap. It's a lovely trap, though."
"Of course she's Emma, mom!" Henry piped up cheerfully. "Come for a hike with us in this stream. I bet the water feels great."
Emma smile was replaced with a frown. "No, no. She's right Henry. We aren't real. But she is. You should look at yourself, Regina."
"Why, am I—
Regina felt her horror swallow her words in her throat. She was dressed in a black corset and a long dark gown. Her hands were covered in blood the same shade of crimson as her long, carefully manicured nails.
"N-n-no. This isn't real. This isn't me anymore. I've put this behind me. Emma, I'm done with this! It's me, Regina!"
The blonde cocked her head at her sadly. "Is it? I thought that other woman that was here earlier was Regina. What did you say she was? A fool? A simpering idealist?"
"You don't understand!"
"But I do, baby. I understand you more than anyone. Isn't that right, Henry?"
The boy nodded solemnly. "She's got a point, mom. Ma's always had your number."
Regina put her face in her hands and got blood all over her cheeks. "No, no," she moaned as she felt tears fill her eyes. She turned desperately to the buck. "Take me away from here." She begged.
The buck looked at her sadly before he too dissolved into a hive of wil-o-wisps. After a moment it wasn't a buck but her once one and only love. Daniel's formerly kind eyes filled with pain as he looked at her. "I wish I could, my love." She wanted to reach out to him, touch him, but found herself rooted and unable to move. "All I ask of you is to remember what I said. That true love is the greatest magic of all."
"But love is weakness," Regina whispered miserably.
"No, Regina, it's not. It's strength." Emma corrected her.
Emma's words buzzed in her ear as she woke up with a gasp. She frantically raised her hands and found them to be blessedly clean. There were no traces of blood on her hands or face and she was wearing her silk nighty instead of one of her old Evil Queen get-ups.
"Mab!" she shrieked.
A mini 'what?' sounded from somewhere in her room and a moment later Mab appeared. She was wearing a black leather dominatrix outfit and was carrying a whip. There was what looked like a tiny cigar in her mouth. Regina didn't even bother to ask. "Come with me!" she snapped. "We're going for a ride."
Emma's phone kept buzzing and wouldn't stop. She knew it wasn't time to get up yet but it wouldn't shut the hell up. Furious, she grabbed it from the charger and barked, "Whoever this is, it better be damn good because it's two in the fucking morning and I fell asleep an hour ago."
A fit of giggles and then a petulant whine. "But Emmmaaaaaaaa! I'm your mommy and you have to come get me because you came from my tummy!" Another round of giggles.
Emma shot up in bed. "Ma?! What the actual fuck? Are you drunk?"
"Sssssshhhhhh, don't tell anyone," Mary Margaret giggled. "But I did a naughty and Ruby says I should leave soon."
"Oh my God," Emma groaned, rubbing her face. "Where are you?"
When she got to the White Rabbit and found her mother dancing on the bar in nothing but a miniskirt and a crop top, she blamed exhaustion for the fact that she whipped out her phone and recorded it. Or perhaps she had lost her mind, because this behavior was so unlike Mary Margaret that it was frankly alarming.
The White Queen grabbed a fork from the bar and began to use it as a microphone. "It's time to tryyyyyy defyyyying gravityyyyy!" She wailed. "I think I'll tryyyy defying gravityyy!"
Deciding that she'd had enough, Emma pocketed her phone and shoved away two men trying to stuff dollar bills up her mother's skirt. "Ma!" She yelled. "Get down from there!"
"Emma!" Mary Margaret squealed happily. She squirrel dove off the bar and since most everyone who'd gathered round yelled and ran off, she landed on Tinkerbell.
"Tink!" Emma shouted, and frantically pulled her mother off of the fairy, who lay motionless on the ground. Mary Margaret fell over and leaned against a bar stool like a lump. "Are you all right?" Emma poked the fairy anxiously. If she sustained any injuries because of Mary Margaret, Regina was going to kill her.
"I'm fine," Tinkerbell muttered, getting to her feet. "Your mother called me looking for Regina. She said she couldn't get through to her, or, you know, she was just being ignored."
"Thanks for coming," Emma sighed. "Any idea what's going on here?"
Tinkerbell frowned. "Pixies, I'd imagine. Their presence is beginning to take its toll on the citizens of Storybrooke. I've heard about strange dreams and the other day the mayor told me she found Ruby waiting for her in her bed, naked."
Shell-shocked, Emma looked at her mother on the floor. She was drawing penises on Keno cards and giggling. "So this is Mary-Margaret's alter ego? I'm never gonna live this down."
She and Tinkerbell steadied themselves and got Snow up off the floor, though it took some effort. "Ma, who's at home with Leo?" Emma asked.
"Who?"
"Leo! Your son! My brother? Remember?" Emma shook her shoulder a little.
"Oh, yes! Your dad is with him."
"Ma!" Emma shrieked. "My dad is a dog!" She turned to the fairy in a panic. "Will you take her home, Tink? I've got to go check on Leo and my dad."
Tinkerbell nodded and Emma teleported herself to her mother's living room. "Leo!" she shouted. "Leo, it's your big sister, where are you?"
The toddler waddled into the living room, a huge grin lighting up his face as he caught sight of his hero. Charming waddled into the room after him, barking joyfully. "Hey kiddo!" Emma smiled down at him. "Everything ok here?"
"Yep," he grinned up at her and Emma gathered him up in her arms. "Where's mommy?"
"Mommy's fine, she just had to go, um, run some errands, but big Sis is here now. Have you had dinner or a bath?"
"No, daddy and I had kibble and licked ourselves."
"I see. I guess I've got to make you something to eat and put you to bed, huh?" By the time Emma had fed, bathed and put Leo down, Tinkerbell finally returned with her mother, who was stumbling and crying. "I'm so s-s-s-s-sorry Emma. I tried t-t-t-t-to find Regina too, but she's a meanie and she didn't pick up the phone."
"Probably because she was sleeping," Emma pointed out dryly.
"B-b-but I was mean to you and her. If she's your true love, Emma, then you, then you, then you go get her!" she slurred and pointed dramatically in no direction in particular and fell over.
Tinkerbell hauled her to her feet again and gave Emma a look. "I'm going to put her to bed."
Emma nodded and went to check on Leo again, who was almost asleep. She sat on the bed with him for a few minutes and stroked his hair. At first she didn't know how to feel about having a sibling. It wasn't just that she felt like he was replacing her, she felt almost jealous of the fact that Snow and Charming would get their wish and raise a baby, but she would never get the same with Henry. But it didn't take long for Leo to worm his way into her heart. He was a Charming, after all.
"Emmy," he said sleepily. "When is daddy gonna stop being a puppy?"
"Honestly, I'm not sure, Kid. But big Sis is working on it."
He fell asleep after that, and Emma met Tinkerbell in the hallway. She shook her head woefully at the fairy. "I've got to get these Pixies out of my town."
I may have hinted previously that Henry became the dark one in Neverland, but not so. Now you all know why and how he killed his grandfather. Pretty heavy stuff, huh?