Thanks for the great reviews. Glad you all are enjoying my story. I've just started writing chapter 15. I'm trying to get as much written and posted before Christmas vacation, because I'll be without my laptop for almost a month.
Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS: Los Angeles
CHAPTER 12
Over the next few days, Kensi sat by Deeks' side whether he wanted her to or not. The others had visited him, but he wasn't in the mood for company. He was no longer restrained, but he sat in his bed fidgeting and trembling. He was itching for a fix, for something to take his pain away. Looking in his eyes, Kensi swore he looked like someone who's soul was damaged. He barely spoke to her or anyone and she could tell he was in pain. She wanted to help him, but she didn't know how.
The doctor had come in and finally given him some pain meds. They helped ease him a little, especially when it came time to change his dressings and bandages. His fever was gone, as well as the Heroin from his system, and his infection barely an obstacle. His wounds were still healing though. It would be a while before he was standing on his own two feet. The swelling had gone down on his feet, but they still throbbed with pain and putting pressure on them would only make the pain worse.
Deeks had trouble sleeping. There were a few times when Kensi had to wake him from his sleep because he was thrashing and in the grip of a nightmare. He would scream out something about not being an agent and once or twice he had screamed out her name. Nightmares had plagued him again and this time when she woke him, he finally opened up to her.
His blue eyes were far from calm. A storm raged in them and he looked terrified, clearly because of whatever he had been dreaming about. Kensi could only imagine the torture he was probably reliving every time he closed his eyes. "Kens." He said softly as his eyes adjusted to the dim lighting in the room. It was long past evening and darkness filtered in from the window. She stared at him, with tears in her eyes. "You should go home."
"What?" She nearly snapped at him. His words had surprised her.
"I don't want you here." He said back. He scratched at his arm where some of the needle marks were. "I don't want you to see me like this."
"It's a little late for that, don't ya think?"
His eyes teared up. "There's so much pain..." He shifted on the bed and winced when he felt the pressure on his bruised and lacerated back and the pressure on his ribs. "And, I just..." He wasn't really sure what to say.
"We'll get through this Deeks." Kensi assured him, taking his hand in hers. "We're partners and I'm not going anywhere."
Deeks squeezed her hand and took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. He looked in her mismatched eyes and knew she was serious. "You know, I thought about you...I tried to focus on your face when he was torturing me."
"What?" Kensi was clearly surprised.
"I just tried to think of something happy and good." He replied. He started scratching at his arm again. He wished the doctors would have given him more pain meds. Even though the Heroin was out of his system, they still worried about giving him pain meds. He wasn't on a very large dose and he would give almost anything for more.
"And did it help?" Kensi asked.
Deeks let out a small smile, the first she had seen since they had found him. "Sunshine." She looked at him curiously, not understanding what he meant. "You were my only ray of hope."
For a second, Kensi thought she could see the storm in Deeks' eyes calm and she was speechless. She had no idea what to say or how to react, yet she knew she had to do something. "I..." She started to speak, but was cut off when a nurse walked in to check on Deeks.
"You were my only ray of hope." Kensi couldn't stop thinking about what Deeks said. It stuck with her over the next couple of weeks. She never did get the chance to respond to him. Now she stood outside of Deeks room waiting for Callen to wheel him out. He had been helping her partner dress himself and get ready for his trip home. He was finally being released from the hospital.
In her hand was a bag of his meds that the doctor had given her, as well as gauze and other things she would need to clean and dress his wounds. The cuts on his wrists were ok, just jagged scars at that point. It was his back that still needed attention. The doctor showed Kensi how to clean the wounds on his back and apply the dressing and he went over the regiment of meds that Deeks would be on for the time being. She wasn't letting Deeks go home alone. She was determined to be there for him no matter what, even if that meant staying with him for a while.
Deeks spent the better part of the last day trying to convince her that he didn't need her to stay with him, but deep down, he knew otherwise. He certainly couldn't change the dressings on his back on his own and they needed to be checked every day. He was walking now, but his feet still hurt a bit. He certainly wouldn't be surfing for a while, not that surfing was even on his mind. In fact, he was terrified of the beach now. Every time he thought about it, he pictured Dmitri sitting there watching him and when he pictured Dmitri, memories of the torture would come rushing back to him.
Callen finally wheeled Deeks out. He was dressed in some jogging pants and an old LAPD t-shirt. He had intended on walking out, but Callen put his foot down and forced him into the chair. "I can wheel myself." Deeks argued. If he was going to be stuck in the stupid chair, the least Callen could do was let him push himself.
"Ok, fine." Callen relented.
"Hey, partner." Kensi said. "You ready to go home?"
"Definitely." Deeks replied. He hated hospitals. The beds were uncomfortable, the food tasted horrible, and he was tired of Kensi eating his jello everyday. He wanted to sleep in his own bed and just forget about everything that had happened over the last few weeks. He wanted to hide under the covers and shut out the world. Of course, Kensi would probably fight him over that last part.
Kensi and Callen got him into her car. The three of them headed to Deeks apartment and they weren't prepared for what would happen when they got there. They helped him out of the car and onto his feet. Callen had Deeks hospital bag and Kensi had a bag of her own things, which included the meds and things the doctor had given her for Deeks. They approached Deeks car in the lot and that's when Deeks started to breath heavier. He stiffened and stared blankly at the vehicle. The memories of being taken were rushing back to him.
"Deeks, are you ok?" Kensi asked.
He remembered getting his car unlocked and seeing the reflection in the window of the men who had taken him. He was frozen, unable to move passed his car. He glanced at one of the car windows and saw Callen's reflection behind him.
"Let's get you inside." Callen said, trying to force Deeks to move and that's when Deeks struck back. He fought Callen and pushed him away as if he were fighting attackers.
Kensi grabbed his arms and tried to stop him before he could get off any punches at Callen. "Deeks, DEEKS!" She screamed, trying to break through to him. His body relaxed a little upon hearing her voice. "It's ok. No one's going to hurt you." She glanced at Callen. "Go get the door, I'll bring him up."
Deeks had a look of terror on his face. "I'm so sorry Kens, I...I don't know what happened." He said softly. His voice was shaky and his arms started trembling in Keni's hands.
"Deeks? Look at me." Kensi said calmly. Slowly his eyes met hers. The rays of the sun illuminated her and for a moment, she looked like an angel. "It's ok. After what you went through, we all understand and..."
Deeks cut her off sharply. "No! You don't understand and I hope you never do." He turned away from her quickly. "You have no idea what they did to me."
"So tell me. Let me in." She replied quickly. She knew a little bit about what happened to Deeks, based on the wounds he had and the assumptions made from the doctor. Besides that, Deeks had given a basic statement to Sam and Callen about what happened to help further nail the coffin that Vasily was laid in so to speak.
He shook his head. "I, I can't. I don't want to talk about it."
"But you need to open up to..."
Deeks put a stop to her argument right away. "I don't need to talk to anyone. Can we just get inside?" He asked. Kensi didn't say anything back to him. Instead, she did what he asked, walking the rest of the way in silence.
The next few days were very uncomfortable and awkward for Kensi and for Deeks. He wasn't the Deeks she remembered. There were no jokes, no banter. Deeks didn't even once mention surfing or going to the beach. He barely spoke to her and was so quiet it made her feel eery. She wasn't used to him being so quiet.
Each day she changed his dressings and regulated his meds. She slept on his couch each night. It didn't look like much, but was surprisingly comfortable. She had an array of throw pillows to use and an LAPD throw blanket to keep warm. Deeks slept in his room of course, though he wasn't really getting much sleep at all. His sleep was plagued with nightmares. Kensi found herself waking in the middle of the night to his screams of agony and fear. She'd have to go and wake him from his nightmare and calm him. She'd usually find him soaked in sweat with the covers tangled all around himself and she'd almost always have to readjust the bandages on his back.
Now she faced an all new worry. Kensi had to return to work. They didn't have any big cases, so she would be back in the evenings. Still, that meant Deeks would be alone during the day. That meant he would have to fend for himself and regulate his own meds. Deeks was actually happy that Kensi was going back to work, though he tried not to show it. He was tired of the awkwardness between them and tired of her making him get out of bed every morning. He was tired of her babying him and mothering him. "More like smothering." He thought.
"Are you sure you're ok with me going to work?" Kensi asked. "I mean, I can call Hetty and..."
"No, Kens. I'll be fine." Deeks tried to assure her. Somehow she doubted it though.
"Ok, well don't forget, you still can't take a shower..."
"Yeah, sponge baths only." Deeks cut in.
"And your meds..."
"We already went over that." Deeks was starting to get annoyed and it showed.
"Maybe you could go visit the beach today, do a little walking." Kensi suggested. "It might be good for you to get out for a little bit."
The thought of the beach terrified Deeks. "NO!" He snapped. He calmed himself quickly when Kensi gave him a worrying glare. He tried to force a small smile. "I mean, I'll think about it."
"Ok, I'll be back after work." Kensi said. "Maybe I'll stop and pick up those drunken pigs you like on my way back, if the place is still even open."
Deeks watched as Kensi descended the stairs outside to her car. Then he turned and went straight back to his bedroom where he had all the blinds drawn and his bed waiting for him. He laid under the covers, but couldn't sleep. His mind kept running. He was thinking of everything from the torture, to the abuse he endured as a child. He thought about Kensi and how she didn't deserve to be there taking care of him. She had been that woman before, the one caring for someone who was broken, who couldn't be fixed. Was Deeks really all that different from that man, from Jack?
His thoughts kept plaguing him so he tossed and turned in frustration, but pain jolted through him when he landed in just the right position to aggravate his still healing ribs. He winced and tensed and immediately reached for his pain meds. He had taken them earlier, but they never seemed to be enough. If it weren't for Kensi watching over him like a hawk the last few days, he would have been taking a higher dose. She followed the instructions on the bottle to a T though. He popped in a few more pills and was relieved a while later when the pain finally started to leave him. It was the first time in days, he had been completely pain free. After a couple of hours, pain started to slowly creep back to him. So, he popped in a few more pills.
It was late afternoon, early evening when Kensi had returned from work. She carried in with her a bag of greasy food from their favorite chinese place. It wasn't the cleanest place. Hell, the health department threatened to shut it down every other week, but they had amazing food. She had gotten Deeks his drunken pigs.
"Deeks, you here?" She asked, setting the food on his coffee table. The apartment was dark, not a single light on. She walked back through the kitchen and noticed not a single plate or bowl in the sink. Perhaps Deeks had gone out during the day to eat. She reached his bedroom doorway, peeked in, and there he was...just a lump under the covers. She spoke a bit softer this time. "Deeks?" She gently pulled the covers down to get a look at his face.
Deeks shot up in a terror and grabbed her hands forcefully. He grimaced in pain as his ribs throbbed at his quick motion. "Kensi?" He let go of her hands immediately and reached for the beside lamp. He sighed and ran his hands through his hair, pushing it out from his face.
"I brought dinner home." She said. "Did you go out at all today?"
He couldn't bring himself to look at her. "No, I..." He reached for his pain meds.
Kensi took the bottle from his hands and shook it. "Deeks, how many of these have you been taking?" She asked.
"Enough to take the pain away." He answered, trying to get the bottle back.
She opened the bottle and poured the contents into the palm of her hand. "This bottle's almost empty." She put the pills back, worry written all over her face. "You're only supposed to take one pill every 4-6 hours."
"Well, I...I was in pain and..." He trailed off.
"Deeks!" She seemed to snap.
"No, Kensi. You don't understand." He argued.
"So talk to me, help me understand. Let me in." It wasn't like Kensi to be emotional, but she needed Deeks to open up to her. She needed him to know that she was there for him, not just physically, but emotionally as well.
"I can't." He stammered. "I, I can't talk about it, not to you, not to anyone."
"You need to talk to someone." She insisted.
"No, I don't. What I need are my pills." He forced the bottle from her hand. "I'm broken and you can't fix me."
Kensi was getting so frustrated with him, but she knew she couldn't help him unless he wanted her help. She thought about Jack and how he had pushed her away when she did everything in her power to love and help him. She couldn't go through that again. "I guess if I can't fix you, then there's no need for me to be here." She stormed out of the bedroom and grabbed her bag in the living room.
Deeks followed her out. "Where are you going?" He asked.
"Home." She declared. With her bag on her shoulder, she opened the door and stormed out, leaving Deeks standing there alone in the dark. She assumed that Deeks would be calling her in a few hours just begging her to come back, but she was wrong.
Deeks is finally home, but he doesn't seem to be recovering well and now he's abusing his meds. Eeks! More to come soon. Please review. Thanks!