Disclaimer: I still don't a single bit of the awesomeness that is The Hunger Games and yeah that's how it is.
CHAPTER 4: VICTORY TOUR
A few weeks is a long time for anything to happen and the Victory Tour starts in a few days, maybe today is worth the trek to the Victor's Village. I know Peeta can't see me as often anymore but we can't know for sure unless we try... seems unfair if he can still see his other friends. I guess I understand him though, if he is trying to keep me out of harms way, but this is still just as bad as any form of punishment. It's torture not being able to see or talk to him, not mention knowing he becomes closer to Katniss every second – this is the highest form of torture for me. Nothing else matters, I don't care if I'm someone's illegitimate child or my mother is bi-polar, I just want Peeta to love me the way I love him, that or, at least be the way we were.
I finally muster the strength to fight the cold and get up out of bed and get ready to leave the house. This cold just doesn't relent. I step out of my room and my mom must be at the hob so early in the morning, that's good, never know what mood she will be in and with any luck the first person I get to speak to today will be Peeta. I've tied the laces on my boots and I brace myself for the cold as I step outside and make my way for Victor's Village.
I finally reach the village and I just stand at the entrance, it looks deserted as such but at the same time these were most beautiful houses I'd have seen, aside from what was otherwise televised. Peeta's family was well off given they had a bakery. As for me, my place was a joke. Katniss now lives several steps from Peeta, that is, providing she isn't staying with him, as his family doesn't appear to have left. I wanted to re-think coming here, the sight of this place was another reminder of what I do not have, but then again I don't even know what it's like to be so privileged.
I turn away thinking I should probably just go back to the hob to eat but the walk would be a waste of time so I decide to proceed, I don't know where to go so I proceed to one of the homes and I am hissed at by some cat and then I see Prim through a window. I change my trajectory deciding that was Katniss' place and maybe It would make sense for Peeta to live right across from her. I make my way for the house across and after some examination I can see that it was a home to someone. I can't hear anyone inside or maybe the doors are thicker than what I am used to that I simply can't hear through them. I knock about 3 times and moments later I hear someone walking down the stairs. I start burning and becoming nervous because of my lack of any real reason for being here except for the fact I want some company. If I simply wanted to get out I would have just gone to the dam by myself. The footsteps are right by the door and I focus on the handle as it turns open.
"Hi. Ashe right?" To my surprise my heart stops as Katniss Everdeen opened the door.
"Katniss! Hi, I'm sorry do you live here?" I ask feeling somewhat confused and nervous at the same time.
"No, no, this is Peeta's place, I am guessing you noticed Prims cat outside mine, come inside… Peeta is still asleep, It's so cold outside." Katniss welcomes me quite warmly, fixing herself up as she opens the door further to let me in. "Peeta insists on sleeping with one window open, I don't know how he does it…" she rants, I wonder why she is so nice to me. "Can I get you anything?" She asks. "Oh, actually I'll make you some hot chocolate, you gotta try some of that. It will keep you warm too."
"Hot chocolate?" I'm puzzled, I haven't really had much chocolate either…only very few times on Peeta's frosting but it sure sounded interesting, they must've tried some of it during their time in the Capitol.
"Yeah, it's a drink" Katniss says as she prepares 3 cups. "I'm not as good as Peeta when it comes to making it, or anything for that matter… but it will have to do." Katniss muses while she turns her gaze upstairs to her sleeping partner.
"So do you live here with Peeta?" I nervously ask, not sure if that is information I want to know, let alone be allowed to know.
"Oh no, no…" She chuckles… "I just… sometimes I stay over…" She now seems a bit troubled not wanting to say everything.
"Oh it's okay, sorry I asked… I understand."
"Thank you…" She smiles as she moves a cup to my end of bench in Peeta's kitchen. "Just stir it for a bit and when it's warm give it a try."
As I stir in silence we both hear some movement upstairs and we assume Peeta was up by now. He makes his way down the stairs moderately dressed. "Katniss? Who are you talking to? Who's here?" He questions as if he was already getting ready when he realized she let someone in. "Where are you?" He says as he turns the corner.
"Right here, silly..." She greets him with a smile, and gestures to his cup, sipping on her own. "Morning Peeta, look who came to drop by!" She looks at me as I turn sipping on my hot chocolate and give Peeta an awkward wave. He slowly makes his way over to us greeting Katniss with a small kiss. I sit there trying to be focused on this cup.
"Wow, this is really really nice" I blush putting the cup down to avoid chugging it down and burning my throat while I'm at it. "Morning sleepy head" I smile. "Thanks for this Katniss…"
"Hey, morning Ashe." He smiles "Why are you here?"
"Dropping by, obviously." Katniss interrupts "Any way, I have to be back home, I'll be back later, love… I'll leave you two to catch up." She says comically as she takes her leave kissing Peeta again.
I'm speechless and nervous inside. I've known Peeta for so long, why is it only now that I feel this way, maybe because I know he knows how I feel? "I had nothing else planned for today, I haven't seen you in a while so I thought I'd pop by… is that okay?" I ask ever so hesitantly hoping I don't upset him for ruining a morning waking up to Katniss. Or so I think that's how it would go?
"Ashe… thanks for dropping by" He gives me a light hug and sits down next to me. "How are you? Are you okay?" He asks concerned. I take a minute to think about what I'm going to say but I'm also processing how lucky the two of them are, their lives seem to be going rather well, given they were just in the Hunger Games and they are becoming closer… much closer than I thought they would be even by this point...
"I'm okay…" I finally become audible. "It's just kinda lonely… I know I could go a few days not seeing you but it's harder not knowing what to do now. I don't even know if I can visit you or if it's what you want… I just want things to be how they were before, I just want to talk…" I'm staring at this cup of hot chocolate and how wonderful it is, and thinking about how opposite my life is.
Peeta is looking really concerned now. "It's okay, you can come by, you're welcome here too… " He lets out. "Lets go by that couch, and bring your cup too" He says as he helps me up and we migrate to his couch. After we rest the cups on his coffee table he puts an arm around me so I can rest my head on his shoulder. "I miss those times too, and things are hard for me… and for Katniss too, but we manage to help ourselves through, I'm lucky things aren't as hard to get through"
At least He has Katniss, and I know his experience in the games is something I will never understand and that she will be the only one who can. It dwarfs my life's experiences… but they are both lucky. They have each other and I have no one. "You look like a total wreck though, Ashe? Something you want to tell me?"
I hesitate knowing my voice would crack if I speak, but I try anyway. "Mom's just a bit harsh these days, keeps bringing up Dad… I dunno… I miss you Peeta, that's all I think about" I'm becoming really nervous as I continue to tell him what's on my mind. "I'm sorry I know you have plenty to deal with right now, but you're all I've got and these issues are petty, if anything it feels better just being here though… this place is so… nice, Nothing I'm used to but… I could surely get used to this really quickly," I say as my eyes scan his living room.
"Ashe… I know… and I know how you feel about… us… I don't want to ask you to leave my life, that's why I'm letting you come by… but we can't push it. I know it's not something you want to do, I don't want to do this either." Peeta begins to rub my shoulder. "Katniss took a while to come around and she told me that she was starting to love me and she had to get used to it too… and as for me I still love her the same. I can't love you the way you want me to. But I promised, you are still my friend. You are stronger than you know… you can still smile like we used to" He looks down reassuring me that things would be okay. I nod in silence and just lean on him cherishing this time I have with him.
I want to tell him that I'll always love him, I'm burning to strike a deal with him for him to let me stay…for him to love me but I remember what He said about Katniss, she isn't a bad person, quite beautiful actually and very pretty. I have to keep in mind her feelings and I can't be selfish about my feeling's I'm sure Peeta would change his mind if I tried taking him from her… his dreams and exile me – I could never live if that happened. I should just take what I can have no matter how little, I never knew what it was like to have much anyway right?
He lets me stay for a few hours… we talk and talk and even manages to get me to smile again. I got to try some nicer foods too and learned more about what happened in our time apart and about Katniss. I don't think I could hate her, even if I was jealous of her. Peeta told me, he explained to her who I was and where I've come from, she seems to understand. And if she really does love Peeta, I'm not sure I could take him from her. I really am getting used to being this close to him though but I realize that the walk home will be a long one I don't want to get home when it is too dark.
"Thanks for letting me stay Peeta, I really enjoyed that." I stare at the floor, I don't really want to leave either.
"Don't forget the bread" Peeta, picks it up from the bench in his kitchen and hands it over to me in a paper bag. "Remember smile yeah? Things will be okay" He assures giving me a hug outside his door.
I turn and make my leave from the village feeling a bit lighter. I wish I could just stay. As I've made it a fair distance I turn back admiring how fortunate the two are… and I notice Katniss once again entering his home and I feel like I should just get back home, feeling that I wish I could be in her shoes and be warm for a night.
It's days later that I'm viewing the beginning of the Victory Tour and I watch the broadcast as everyone in the Capitol including Caesar seems so excited to be hearing from our victors again. Katniss and Peeta look so nice on television… together, even when they fell on ice and kissing… live. I don't know why I continued to watch as they begin their tour but while I was apart from Peeta, which would be the only time I get to hear from him. My mom had noticed how obsessed I had become with wishing I could be with him… she understands but sometimes she nags… she was however grateful for the loaves of bread Peeta gave me the other day, even if she didn't like the idea that I dropped by his place, almost forbid me from doing so again. Something about it being inconsiderate and the more I thought of it… maybe it was.
I continued to watch the different steps of their journey… it was different this year… Katniss and Peeta seemed to impact the Capitol differently but more so the Districts. Who knows what their influence would cause but either way… the games would be different after this… for sure.
The victory tour was near it's end and a surprise broadcast was brought to my attention when Caesar Flickerman seems ecstatic with some new news, what could it be?
"With the end of their Victory Tour, our two 'Lethal Lovers' have surprised us…" He laughs. "with a new twist in their love affair… lets take a look!" As Caesar gestures to an area on the screen where I see Peeta facing Katniss. I'm watching intently wondering if I'll hear Peeta's voice again but my heart stops. He begins to kneel and pull out a ring and the look on Katniss' face becomes bright red... as does mine. I can't breathe and I switch off the monitor and slam myself on my excuse of a bed. Unable to breathe and hold myself together as I wrap my arms around myself trying to gain control of my shaking and fidgeting, I begin to cry and exhale quite audibly. I'm thankful that my mom does not bother me but she did switch it back on to hear the rest. I block it out as I continue to sob. I'm really burning inside I don't know what to think or feel… it's like I have nothing… Peeta he, isn't ever going to be mine… was there ever any hope? The entire scene just replays in my head, how happy Caesar is… how surprised and how happy Katniss is. I should be happy about their engagement… but that's the thing… it's them now… they are the ones that are engaged. As for Peeta… He isn't going to me with me. A lot can happen in a few weeks…
"Peeta… I'll love you just as much… you're my victor, if only I had just one chance to show you…" I eventually fall into a sleep out of sobbing for a few hours, feeling lesser as the seconds go by.
Hopefully that wasn't too intense and hopefully you 'liked' that chapter. Let me know how you found it in a review or pm? I've already started Chapter 5, but I might wait till I get another review or so before I post it! Find out what happens after They get back? Stay Tuned and a very big thanks to anyone who has been keeping up to date. It is very much appreciated!