DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Hunger games... just my humble addition.
CHAPTER 5: ALONE
I woke up curled up, still in the clothes I was in the night before. Tears dried. Cold, exhausted, hungry and alone. Wonder where Mom went so early, probably the Hob trying to sell scarves she knit. I hadn't even helped her lately but you wonder why. After I was ready to leave I decided a single loaf of bread and a cup of water would do just fine. As I grabbed the loaf I realized where it came from and who made it. I froze and stared at it… Peeta. I'm still trying to process the events that unfolded before my eyes.
I felt so detached, it was screened to all of Panem and Peeta didn't even tell me he was planning to, maybe then I would have been prepared but would I have said anything? Would I ask him to change his mind and give me a chance? It's too late now… It's too selfish of me to do this now. I decide to start eating and walk out to the dam, just so I can sit on my own.
So let me get this straight. I saw Peeta at his place and Katniss was over… for reasons I cannot fully understand why she is staying over, everything seems okay on the surface… and neither of them have really said anything about was really happened in the arena. Perhaps I would never understand it… unless I volunteer as tribute for the next Hunger Games and at least that way Peeta could be my mentor… but how would I win… I stand even less of a chance. What am I gonna do, knit my way into victory? Would Katniss and Peeta help me in the arena like Haymitch did for them? But how else am I going to connect with Peeta from now on? How else will it be safe for us to talk again?
Then there are the events of last night. I continue walking almost bumping into people because I'm stuck in my head. I can't even say sorry… I want to but I feel like I'm locked away in my mind for now. The words won't come out… so I just receive looks saying that I should "watch it." I can't stop replaying the scene though… Peeta kneeling and revealing that ring, over and over again. Then there is Katniss' expression. The star-crossed lovers of District 12… they really did save each other. I didn't see the ring… but I'm sure it looks marvelous and I would be lucky to see one let alone receive one. My mother doesn't even have anything nearly as valuable… what about my father's wife? I wonder if she might possess anything nearly as beautiful as I imagine.
I've reached the entrance to the dam and I decide to make my disappearance swift as to not be seen and I sit on the edge. It is no long drop till the water, its not very high at all, nor is it deep… Peeta and I even doubt that it is useful anymore… I have that in common with this place - good for nothing. It is undeniably peaceful here though.
The ritual continues for days on end. I'm here everyday… I'm free to think of how much I want Peeta to be here with me like the way we were just before the games. Perhaps then I stood a chance, if I stuck around long enough for him to love me because He never spoke to Katniss. Or would he live the rest of his life in pain because He couldn't save her in the arena or that she – like him – is now out of my reach.
I sit here in silence and alone… no one to disturb the peace. It is the only way I can contain the storm inside. I want to scream but nothing comes out. I'm speechless. I haven't said a word this entire time. I try to let out anything but a pain seems to lock my vocals. I try and try but nothing… it's only a matter of time till I give in to this silence… it's only a matter of time till I realize there is nothing else to say. I sit here just watching. The most painful thing to watch is sunset. Peeta's favorite thing about thing about this spot of ours, the entire cycle of the sun from its rise and set is visible… nothing or no one to block its path much less the colors that paint the sky. Despite the pain that comes with seeing this beauty on my own is that I am reminded of what He used to tell me sometimes.
"Hey you wanna see something? Look up. All those colors, it's incredible isn't it? Don't have to worry about a thing… it's okay."
When I think of Peeta saying that… I almost coax myself into thinking that he is saying it to me right now… maybe if he were here he would be. But would things be okay? The funny thing is with Peeta everything feels that way… things will be okay when you're with him and they always are. I almost smile then I remember He isn't with me… even when he gets back, He will be with Katniss… with Katniss.
Day's later… I'm on my way ignoring my mother nagging yet again, not saying a word. Something is different about today… what could it be? The streets seem a little less busy and I see children running for the square. I'd been doing the same thing for days. I could afford a change. I don't bother asking anyone what is going on because I still haven't uttered a single word. I make my way to the square.
Once the Justice Building was in sight I see Effie Trinket yet again dressed in another fancy outfit from the Capitol. This appearance could only mean one thing: The end of the Victory Tour, Katniss and Peeta… my Peeta are back!
Moment's later the District cheers much louder as our Star-crossed lovers emerge from behind those doors congratulating them on their engagement. I'm standing amongst the crowd and I feel like I'm going to stay as usual but I see her smile and take his hand in the air and the cheers grow louder and Peeta decides to bring them down and pulls her in for a kiss. That's it. I thought I could stay… I'm shaking I almost raise my hands to my face and start tearing the skin from my flesh instead I grab my arms in a desperate attempt to restrain myself and I turn and run… pushing people aside. I didn't care and I also don't know if I was able to escape unnoticed but then again that was not very incognito.
It didn't matter… minutes later I reached my destination. I'm still holding myself and I lean myself on a wall below the dam sitting on some rocks just above the waterline. I'll stay here for now. Catching my breath… a few tears escape my eyes and I don't bother wiping them. They fall to the water disturbing the peace my reflection becoming distorted by the ripples.
Peeta…
I'm leaning on the side of the dam and I sit there just as any other day and let the clock tick.
Hours later I'm throwing pebbles into the water… the ripples amused me… it was different… each throw… I try to put an ounce of my pain and for now it works… until… **SNAP**
What was that… I think the merits of being here days on end allowed me to recognize the sound of my surroundings and rarely ever will a twig break and pebbles roll… someone was here. I see the silhouette of a male's head over the dam and I make a run for the other side leading into the woods. Who could have found this place? This was my hiding place…
"Hey!" The male calls as he runs after me. "Wait up…!" I believed I was well concealed by the trees but I wasn't. I couldn't run anymore… his footsteps already so close, they were fast… and they stop. I believe I've been spotted.
"Hey… hey hey hey…" the voice is calming… it's so familiar. Of course it is… I know it… "Easy… easy… I'm not gonna hurt you… Ashe?" It's Peeta… I haven't seen him yet, my eyes are closed… back against the tree, hoping he decides it isn't me and walks off.
Footsteps crush the ice, break a few twigs… they are right behind me… please don't look at me… not now. Peeta not now… please… not like this… why are you even here… the words play in my head begging to be said… but I can't. I'm bracing myself. He rests a hand on my arm; my eyes shoot open as I begin to flail.
If not for how strong Peeta is I might have hit him… but instead he controls me and brings me into a tight embrace.
"Ashe… easy… it's me… Peeta." He breaks the silence but he is still holding me in place, my heavy breathing implying I haven't calmed down but I am held in place by his grip. "I didn't find you at home… this is the only place I knew I'd find you…" He continues… but why did he even start looking for me in the first place?
"It's okay now… I'm here" He begins patting my back, still holding me in place… I dare not open my eyes for fear of contact with his.
"Ashe?"
"Talk to me."
"What's the matter?"
"Ashe?"
He keeps asking but I don't answer. He pulls away still holding my arms in place so as to lightly restrain them from further lashing out… I feel his gaze… his attention all focused on me… it burns. I turn my head to the side and slowly decide to open my eyes. Obviously he is looking at me trying to capture my eyes, wanting me to look into his orbs. It only takes a minute for him to succeed and when he does, he lets out a little smile of relief but a second later for concern to return to his face. I realize that I'm a mess, probably dark circles under my eyes, red because of all the tears dirt and dried tears as makeshift foundation across my cheeks. He pulls me in again.
"I wanted to tell you… I'm sorry… Ashe I really am…" He understands me… he knows what is causing me to be locked inside my shell and he is trying break down it's walls. "Ashe… please say something… I know you haven't said anything in days" He is almost panicked. Peeta has never seen me like this and all I can do… is stare blankly back at him… only inside I am also reaching out… my lips… my jaw… they begin to move but nothing comes out.
"P…" I manage minutes later. We are both on the ground. He is still holding me. "ta….P…Pete... Peeta…" I'm like a baby being taught her first words. "Peeta…" I love at him and pull him close. "I… I need you."
"I'm here… I'm here… it's okay" Holding me tight again. "Please don't be mad… please understand us… I didn't do this to hurt you… I promise…" He looks down at me. "I can't say why… but we had to."
"Peeta… but why? D… do you not love… m… eachother?"
"I do…we do… but I can't tell you why I proposed so soon… promise me you will understand? Don't go looking for answers?" He asks. I admit it was hard for me to hear this so soon but Peeta already knew that I was crushed… my dreams and my feelings were crushed by the proposal alone. Now he isn't denying that he wanted it to happen and it would have happened eventually… but there are reasons I can't know as to why it had to be done. "Please… I'll tell you everything you need to know… just when I say."
"O…okay." I look down and lean on him
"Thank you… you're still my best friend… I promised you. Remember?"
"Ye…yes"
"Let's get you back home… I need to be back… People can't know we were here." Peeta pulls us up… covers his face with scarf by pulling it over his mouth, arm around me and I'm the only one that can hear him. "Come see me soon… Katniss…" Her. "Katniss and I have things we need to tell you…"
This was a really difficult chapter to write... I think my brain melted... The girl on fire is too hot she fried my circuits... Okay that was rather lame but I really hope this update will do for now... I think it does set up further events in Catching Fire and I promise Chapter 6 will be much more enjoyable! PROMISE! I'll try to have it up soon too. Don't worry I won't be forsaking the entire plot line too it will have an ending. Just not now. I also wanted to thank the people who sent in the few reviews. I really appreciate it, I'm glad you 'enjoy' reading it even though I have a friend who is almost going to kill me if I continue ripping the heart. Haha... ummm. Well anyways thank you once again! Leave me a comment, review... what ever you want to call it and let me know what you think! I'll post up 6 as soon as possible! Stay Tuned for what Peeta and Katniss have to say!