DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Hunger games... just my humble addition.
CHAPTER 6: SECRETS.
I'm a little taken back by Peeta's offer to have me visit. I'm nervous and it sends shivers down my spine just thinking about it. I don't know if what our heroic duo have to say is something I want to hear or what I need to hear, I suppose it is the latter and I won't like it. I'm up earlier than I normally am and I make a quick exit just barely acknowledging my mother, it is almost unfair of me to naturally limit my interactions with her, for the passed few days she has been her good self. I have been avoiding her bad side instinctively but maybe she is happy I finally have a voice again.
The ice has begun to melt, the days aren't as cold almost in conjunction with how my life is – I don't feel completely alone. I spend half the morning at the usual place thinking if I would ever take Peeta up on the offer. He is barely ever at the bakery and if he is, I miss him every time, that or I assume he does his share of baking at the Victor's Village. Maybe this is what I've been waiting for as I sit here on my own, Peeta won't come down here as often anymore even though this is the only place I feel completely alone with him He has somewhere new…. He has someone new. I sit here waiting and hoping the baker boy would come but the truth is Peeta isn't coming. I have waited till I can't wait anymore, my only option is to go him, when I can't stand having not seen him for a while – when I must confront my fear and hear what he… what they have to say.
My mind was made up long ago; maybe on the way back even pick up my monthly share of tesserae. How lucky for them to not have to worry about living on such simplicity and basics. I'm already out and the way to Victor's Village is not as far if I had travelled directly from my place. Once I reach the entrance I notice that beyond the homes two people heavily resembling our star-crossed lovers are heading for the woods, obviously no one being home I speed up my pace and follow them. I can't but help but feel wrong about interrupting whatever they are up to but maybe not everything they do together is as romantic as televised so am I being intrusive? How will I explain my presence? My walk all the way here may as well not be wasted and the time taken to get here has been ample time enough for me to confront my fears and hear what they have to say. I reach the woods and I'm grateful the open is actually visible on the other side of the trees. The valley heads downward allowing a view of mountains surrounding District 12 before the open space is closed by another part of the woods, it is quite remarkable and I have never been to this part of the trees guarding the district. As I make my way through the trees ever so silently I can hear Katniss and Peeta's laughter together, what ever it was they were on about they have grown close, much closer than I would have ever guessed. Katniss could very well be closer to Peeta than I ever was in so little time.
I'm almost discouraged to talk to them, it's bad enough I followed them this far so I guess I'm beyond the point of no return. I've reached the edge of the trees and I watch as they walk in each other's arms chattering until Katniss just slipped. It was almost slow motion and I couldn't quite explain how it happened but Peeta sure reacted quick as he forced himself to fall with her and land with her landing like a feather on his chest while Peeta took the fall. I was amazed and I think I was blushing. She gets up to support her self but they do nothing but stare at each other for a second, smile and she leans in for a kiss. It took a few seconds to register that they were sharing an intimate moment and I suppose I wished I was in her shoes right now, but I fling myself back against the tree. That however had gotten the effect, my back made a noise as I hit the tree, breaking bark. I could even tell they were alarmed and I stayed concealed as I assume they are scanning their surroundings for assailants. I could hear them laugh as they finally decided they were safe. I decide to emerge from the shadows of the trees and approach them.
"Peeta!" I call out. "I saw you two head this way and I came to visit, so I followed… I'm sorry!" I apologize as I approach and close the gap between the star crossed lovers and myself. "I know its kinda bad timing… but I couldn't stop thinking about the last time we spoke." I turn my head to the side avoiding eye contact but I shyly look back at them. "Sorry…"
"No no no no" Katniss chirps and laughs. "Peeta, told you we had something to say?" Peeta nods and was about to say something but Katniss isn't finished… "Peeta… let me talk to her, please" I'm almost nervous now that I have to hear it from Katniss.
"Oh okay. I'll meet you two back at the house" He smiles as he begins to walk off. "Katniss… don't forget about... later… don't be late." I almost ask him to stay but I'm a little too nervous for my liking and I don't know what I've gotten myself into.
"Ashe, thank you… we were beginning to think you wouldn't pop by… but I understand this isn't easy for you." She looks at me with a much more apologetic expression then I expected. "Peeta told me everything by now, I know you care for him… and I know you also-"
"I'm not trying to take Peeta from you or anything. I'm not trying anything" I surrender defensively, cheeks red and I'm shaking. "I promise Katniss, I'm sorry… I'm sorry, that's not why I'm here. I promise" Words keep pouring out, I'm scared she will tear me a new one with an arrow.
"Calm down" she rests her hands on my shoulders. "I know… I believe you." She says as her eyes trail off to where Peeta headed off. "I just know this isn't easy for you… but I also wanted to tell you that I do love him…" She is now just staring at the floor as she gestures that we go for a walk. "It was hard at first…. The games… the cameras… and staying alive, If Peeta never said he loved me I don't think either of us would have made it back home." She continues. "And after I realized that I loved him too, after all I knew he helped me that one time when I was starving… he gave me bread" He did? I hadn't known this… he never told me. "I started to love him too… he might be the only person that could understand me after what we had been through." I couldn't say anything but only remind her that I was still listening. "But what I wanted to tell you… no ask of you, it's not easy Ashe, Peeta was dreading asking this of you."
Oh no… not what I think it is… not Peeta, not out of my life, out of my reach. I can feel my insides tighten bracing myself for the impact. "Peeta, no we… didn't want to ask you to leave… but please… just for your safety… see, the Capitol don't believe we are in love… but we are... and people could be killed." Katniss frowns. "And Peeta wants you to be safe… don't spend too much time with him he asks, he doesn't want you gone either… but he also sees that I hurt you by being with him… I'm sorry." She apologizes "I don't mean to take him from you either… but we need each other to survive…"
I couldn't say anything… I fall to the ground and sit motionless for a minute or two. "Katniss… I know… they are serious about these things… I just don't know what I'm doing anymore… Peeta's all I think about… and I know he is happy with you…" I admit. "But I guess I still hold on to him because I want to be with him but I can't without harming you or risking anyone's safety and… I… I don't know." I do know. I have nothing and I'm really a no one in the bigger scheme of things.
"Ashe…" she joins me on the moist grass and melting ice.
"I don't want to screw things up anymore than I already have… I won't bother you… I promise… please… please just don't hurt me…" I don't actually know what I'm saying anymore I just say anything trying to escape this abyss inside of me that threatens to immobilize me and slowly drown me inside.
"We don't want to do that… I promise Ashe… I know we have already, but Peeta still cares about you…"
"Why are you so nice?" I look up to meet her gentle stare. "Why Katniss? How come you don't just tell me to back off or go away?"
"Because… Peeta cares… and because… I felt the same about Gale before Prim was reaped… He is still my best friend but… he understands that I love Peeta…"
She tells me. "I don't know if that is more screwed up… and I know there are things that I'm not willing to let go of… but I just know that I need Peeta… I'm sorry for taking him from you…" She looks away so gracefully. "We just wanted you to know the risks are higher now… but that Peeta wants to keep you as close as he can… but I think it is further than you think where it is safe."
I stay silent. Peeta is all that I have, the only constant person in my life. My mother is always unpredictable and I have no father to care for me, instead I live with the knowledge that he could be near or far loving another wife and a set of children. Now I'm forced to watch Peeta love someone else… but maybe Peeta deserves the person he loves most… they are both lucky to have each other. What luck do I have? I'm an illegitimate child that ruined even my mother's temporary happiness that she might have more of a means of survival; instead she has to burden me alone. I'm pitied by this girl sitting by me, the girl I've seen walk by my place… across the yard at school… a girl with a voice that causes the birds to be silent and listen. The winner of the Hunger games and the girl on fire who won the heart of the one person I wanted to love me the way I could only dream of. To hold me the way he did her…
"Ashe… it's not the end of the story yet…" Katniss assures as she gets up. "Thank you for listening… I'm sorry it isn't easier and I wish I had better things to tell you. I need to be back home and get ready for a photo shoot with possible wedding dress-" She cuts herself off as she realizes a reminder of their engagement might trigger something "I'm sorry…" she says as I rise and head back in the same direction. "Go back to Peeta for now… I think you want some time with him too right?" She smiles as if allowing me some peace of mind.
I thank her with a nod as we journey back to the village. I still cannot understand why miss Everdeen would care half as much as I'd hope Peeta would. Even when we were kids, Delly and some of the other boys would play with us but or I would see them playing with each other and I knew back then that they didn't really like me as much as they liked playing with Peeta. I don't know why Peeta even liked spending time with me the most though… I was just happy he did He made life so much lighter and if he was with me I felt like I'd get through.
Katniss left my side elegantly as she made her way to her own home prepared to meet guests from the Capitol. I approached Peeta's home and he opens the door just before I announce my presence my knocking on his door.
"Ashe…" He looks at me. "Come inside." As soon as he shuts the door he wastes no time in embracing me. "I'm sorry…" He tightens his hold on me but it doesn't bother me… I could get used to this embrace but his reasons for holding me this way differ to what I long for. "I hope you understand… I need to keep you safe… and I know you want to be here with me but you can't…"
"Peeta… don't leave me behind… don't go where I can't follow… Peeta… I need you too…"
"It's too late… I'm sorry." He breaks away from my embrace but his hands still firm and he looks me in the eye. "I love her… and I need to take care of her, we need each other to survive."
"I know… I know I'm being selfish… but Peeta! I don't have anyone left that I know that really cares for me… it's just you isn't it? Peeta?"
"I do… I just can't be around the way I used to be and I might not ever be around in future… I had to warn you while I could before things change even more, and I know you don't want things to go that way… but they will." Peeta grimaces.
"Do they have to? Peeta… just tell me one thing… just once then… please." I brace myself as I ask the impossible of him. "Tell me once that you love me… please… I just want to hear it…" I want to know what it sounds like and I feel like I'm going insane. Desperate for the love of someone that can't love me back. "Also… one more thing… please Peeta… kiss me.." I bite my lips as I curse those words leave my lips. "I…. just once… please…" Tears begin to fall from my eyes as I begin to shiver and regret everything I've just said and am almost positive that I've ruined my friendship with the only person I had left.
"Ashe…" He looks down biting his lip…"If none of this happened I might have ended up loving you." He pulls me in for another embrace and pulls back. He says nothing but he is looking at me and he begins to close the gap between us and closes his eyes. "Just once…" He whispers as his lips collide with mine.
That was my first kiss… I'm burning inside. I'm biting and tracing my lips with my tongue hoping to taste him again. He was sweet and soft and gentle yet so strong and real. I open my eyes slowly and meet his eyes and I quickly avoid them by pulling him in for another embrace, this time only tighter and I'm sobbing into his shoulder.
"Peeta… I'm sorry…I'm sorry… I shouldn't have…"
"It's okay… you might not get another chance to tell me everything…" He comforts me but holding me just as tight as I continue to sob for a few more minutes.
To both our surprise, the man they refer to as Cinna knocks and opens the door only to see me crying in Peeta's arms. "Sorry… I know this is a difficult time, but Peeta you are needed at the shoot" He says swiftly but gently as he leaves to give me a chance to pull myself together. "I'll have your outfit waiting for you."
"Guess, this is it?" I ask when I have my sob half under my control as I'm still trying to catch my breath. "Goodbye?" I ask with teary eyes.
"No, silly… I'll see you… when I do. We just need to be careful." Peeta says showing me the smile that had me from the start, the smile that told me everything was going to work out. He walks me out. "Ashe… just… take it easy."
I nod with teary eyes and turn my back to make my way back home.
I do nothing but think about the two of them, how sympathetic they both were. Why? So that was love… that's what Katniss can feel… that's what I took from my mother… what my father does for someone else, what Peeta shows to Katniss. I could have gotten used to that… being in love with someone that made everything okay. I can see why Katniss loves Peeta the way she does and how she grew to love him more. I only ever hoped He would love me that way but I have never been so desperate but I can't take it away from anyone else. My existence took that away from my mother despite how wrong it was… I can't even tell her I'm sorry. I'm holding my arms as I make my way home after I've allocated time to collecting my tesserae. I continue to think of how fortunate Katniss and her family is to not have to rely on tesserae and that she has Peeta to care for her. I have to accept that I have no one, no one who needs me no one who will dare show me the love that I crave… Peeta would never show me that act of love ever again no matter how much I want him to.
My home is finally in sight but the door is left open and I become slightly panicked, and I notice that people begin to stare. The door is never left open. I enter and it's so quiet I'd hear a pin drop. I'm walking through the house as the floorboards creak… my foot step becomes damp and sticky. I look down and see red, red splattered across the floor and there it was… what had happened, what I was looking for by the wall outside of my room.
My mom… she was shot.
I really apologise for leaving an update for so long! I feel like I've had writers block and there is probably evidence of that in this chapter and that's why I chose to end with such a cliff hanger. I do want to make a shout out to any one who added a review, as always very much appreciated and yeah I've put thought into how I want the plot to turn out. Hopefully Chapter 7 won't be too far off but In my head I know it will be a brutal one... but it will give me a chance to get things in order and make it a bit easier to swallow. Hope you liked the chapter though! Till next time!
P.S. Rest assured that I will complete this fic!