London passes by. I know that it changes. Sometimes slowly, sometimes so fast.
The last few days it seemed to be me who changed and not the city around me.
My view at it is different. Milverton makes me see the darkness where there had always been grey or nothing of interest before in my eyes.
I'm his driver. He makes me stop in front of houses and never gives a reason why. He observes and I know that he is aware that I observe him while he sees hints and evidences, stories and fates he created or gave an unwanted twist to in the fronts of those houses. His faint, satisfied smile sickens me.
I can never tell when he had enough. His orders are short, narrowed down to just the few words he needs me to know. He never gives away too many information.
I know that he plays with me. His game of power and control. I can feel my tension and awareness leaving me the more I get too used and too comfortable with this role.
I was prepared to refuse murder and torture. I would have been able to stand my ground against cutting fingers of hostages or sending kidneys with the post to names I may have heard of before.
I was prepared for cruelty and terror. I wasn't for this. Being lulled into this false sense of security.
This can't be it. This isn't why he wanted me away from my family and my friends. There will be something else and it is just a matter of time.
I don't allow myself to think of them too often. Sarah and her baby, Anthea - my Guardian Angel, Sherlock and always Molly and Amelia.
London passes by. Unmoved but changing. The ever awake, the ever watching beast.
***
It was early when I got woken up by a shake of my shoulder. Over the past days it had always been a different face that greeted me in the morning. I was usually awake when they stepped into the room. The world outside was still dark, even by the time I finished with getting dressed and having the two cups of coffee for breakfast. Old habits die hard.
Everyone in this house was so secretive and more than once did I wish I was able to read people like Sherlock always does. Their actual profession by their thumb or the way they'd hold a cup, their entire lifestories by the way they tie their shoes. But this was beyond me and I could only observe but remain in the dark about everything else. It was like having all the ingridients for a meal at hand, but not a clue about the units and the temperature.
It was another driving job. I started to wonder why he insisted on having me around when all I did was driving him aimlessly through the streets of London. This morning he just said. "Drive." as an order for me before he unfolded the newspaper and scanned the pages with his carbon like dark and cold eyes.
London rose slowly from a night that had been restless. London's nights are always restless. The rooftops of the other cars were covered with a thin layer of ice. The night has been cold and I wondered if Amelia and Molly had been freezing, but pushed the thought away as fast it came.
I felt his eyes on the back of my head, drilling into my skull. 'No' I thought, 'you can try as hard as you like, you won't read my mind. You are not going to take this away from me.'
And I buried Molly and Amelia, Sarah, Anthea and Sherlock deep inside my heart. Unreachable for him.
The fool I was.
When he had enough of a slowly waking up city, of the red, orange and grey striped sky, of the darkness under bridges and in tunnels, he gave me another order. An address.
There was nothing unusual about it. A housenumber, a street name.
When Milverton ordered me to a certain address before, I tried to memorise it. I tried to memorise all the numbers and names. I knew that I'd mess them up, but when I have a name, I may be able to recall the house when I see it again. I forgot about the numbers and tried to memorise the streetnames; put them away in a corner of my mind.
I failed.
He reminded me that I was under his "order and protection" and I could only nod. I understood, but I didn't like it or agreed. Milverton vanished into a house. Ordinary, calm. I learnt during my time spent as a cop that most houses do and behind most doors lurks a horror no one would have been able to think of until confronted with it.
I waited and observed.
Milverton was soon joined by two people from a car that had parked opposite and up to the moment they got out absolutely slipped my attention.
I checked my watch, as always it made me think of Anthea, who gave it to me as a present. Was it really only a little over a year ago?
Ten minutes later, they all appeared again. No one bothered to close the door behind them. It stood wide opened and they dragged a bag along. I couldn't help myself and had to ask my interim boss. "What's this?"
"A consignment."
Typical for him. Never waste words when you can narrow it down to a single bit of information that can cover and hide the entire rest and still doesn't make him a liar. There is always a 'but'.
He stated another address as soon as the bag was stored in the boot. "Okay and what is in the bag?" He gave me a long look via the rear-vision mirror. "No questions, Lestrade. You wouldn't get answers anyway. They are not subject- matter of this arrangement."
I knew I wouldn't get my answers this way. I had to wait.
For the right moment.
It came when Milverton left for whatever reason. He let me wait again. Of course. I was used to it by now, but this time my curiosity had been picked and I didn't hesitate to open the boot of the car. There was no reason to do so. Whatever awaited me would be revealed sooner or later. Dramatic pauses before unzipping a bag were reserved for Hollywood actresses and BBC crime investigators.
I wasn't prepared for it.
I wasn't prepared to find a woman in that bag. She was conscious and close to panic.
"Listen, I'm a police officer. Okay? Do you understand?" She could only nod, the gag making it impossible for her to speak. "I will get you out of here. Just stay strong and calm for a little longer. Can you do that for me? I know it is not easy, but I'm on your side." She nodded again and I closed the bag again but left it open enough for her to get fresh air and to be able to see.
It hurt to know she was there in the darkness and the precariousness of what was going to happen next. I made it back behind the wheel just in time.
Milverton smiled and in this second I knew that he knew. He was able to read me like an open book.
It was the last time I saw the woman. The image of her face, the panic in her eyes and the look she gave me when I gave her hope will forever haunt me.
Milverton knew it.
He tied my hands once more; made me be a part of something I would have never agreed to willingly but I agreed to make this bargain and this is my sin.
I have no idea how he did it. How he managed it to let her vanish from the boot within five minutes that I needed to make a call from a public phone. She was gone and I had no clue, no lead whereto or who she was.
Once more did I wish I had at least a fractional part of Sherlock's skills. I could have kept my promise.
Milverton let me go after this last tour. He got what he wanted. I got what I never wanted but probably deserved.
Doubts.
Once more.
And I returned to my family to Molly and Amelia; to my friends with the bitter taste of defeat, of having betrayed not only them but their trust in me.