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Rae:
Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Finn:
We share the air between us and use it for heavy breathing instead of words. I should say something. I should brush it off and smile and make a joke, but what joke is there to make?
If I tried, I wouldn't be able to anyway. She had seen the way my smile had faded, I had seen the way her eyes had dropped to the ground and her fists had balled.
Her eyes are watering and I can't do anything right now.
I ball my fists and feel anger bubbling inside of me, "Rae."
"Just don't. Just fucking don't." She's pushing past me, tears replicating rain fall and drowning my heart in something I haven't felt in a very long time that I have not ever been able to put a name on.
"Rae, we need to talk about this!" I follow her into her room where she's picking up my jacket and looking at it as if she's wondering what the hell it is doing here.
"No, no we don't. If we talk about it, I become less normal, we become even less normal! You're the only person that doesn't question me on everything that happened then, why start now?"
The way she said it stung. The kind of 'stung' that hits you hard and says 'Hey, I'm fucking permanent and what are you going to do about it?".
I run over what she says, taste it in every single possible way till it's raw on my tongue and in my heart and on my soul.
"Rae! Just stop! Okay? Just stop! You know I'm no good with words, speaking is just something I haven't grasped."
Rae just stares at me then. Eyes mid tear and just shrugs.
She shrugs.
Rae:
This feels like a bullet wound to my chest and a perfect excuse to cut.
My insides have given and tumbled.
He's still here, staring at me. Like I have the answer.
What does he expect from a girl with scars covering her legs?
"Finn, just go, please. I'm too tired." It's painful to look at him, so I don't. I look around him, at the ceiling, at the floor, into myself, into the dark thing consuming me.
"I'm not leaving Rae. This thing, this thing it gets sorted tonight. Scream, hit me, lock yourself away. I will find a way in and we will talk. I will find words, a'right?" Finn steps closer and I shake my head with such urgency that he stops in his tracks and gives me the exact face he expressed when in the closet at the sexy sleepover, confused and hurt. "I'm trying Rae. It's like you don't even want me here."
I open my mouth to protest but find no words. I don't know what I want. Maybe it's for all these scars to melt away and for me to be thinner and for me to be something different than this, but still have him. Be worthy of him. To not have a past at all.
Finn:
I take risky steps.
I want to get so close to her that I feel all the emotion radiate off her when she tells me her story.
Then I want to make her feel okay, the best she's ever felt since everything caused her to inflict all the weight of the pain on herself.
Thankfully I have left her lost for words and I take two more steps towards her and end up about one and a half rulers width away.
The sadness is being lapped up in the air and the silence feels like it's suffocating me. I don't like silence but I prefer it to words.
Her eyes give me a pain in my pores that I know can only be fixed by the laughter from her lips and I stop in front of her.
"Finn, please don't. I'm half fucking naked, teary and embarrassed."
She knows my go to. She knows. So I decide to shock her.
I take my index and run it from her knee up to the bottom of her underwear and feel every single wave of anger leave me and be replaced by sadness.