It was finally time. No more odd jobs, no more working for scraps, no more being other people's errand boys.
We were on the edge of greatness, and nothing was going to stop us now. We all came together at the end of the
hour, armed and supplied to the hilt, ready for anything that we may encounter. Isabella and Varric seemed excited
chatting easily as we traveled, Fenris was apprehensive as ever wary of all of the people in the group around us
ever vigilantly on edge. Anders however, wouldn't stop fidgeting obviously uncomfortable but trying very hard
to hide it. Every time we made eye contact I felt more and more guilty. I wish I had been strong enough to bring
Beth, her skills as a healer would have done just fine, but mother had to stick her nose in and make me feel
guilty for everything yet again. And now Anders has to pay the price, we were nowhere near the entrance Bartrand
had chosen and already I could feel his apprehension at entering his own personal hell again. But now was not the
time for guilt, I would have to find a way to convey how sorry I was to him later, for now I have to be strong...
for all of us. This was not going to be an easy task no matter how simple Bartrand seemed to think it was. I had
to shake my head, attempting to clear my mind of the chaos swirling about. Varric seemed to take notice and chose to
finally speak up.
"Something bothering you Hawke?" He had excused himself from Bella (who seemed to think tormenting poor Fenris
was a better use of her time anyway, the poor bastard, and I made a mental note to chastise her later)
and sauntered over to walk at my side.
"Bothered? Me? Nooooo. I'm on my way into a likely death-pit with my bestest friends. So no, nothing could
be bothering me." Varric chuckled and nudged me with his shoulder.
"Don't be so ridiculous Hawke. Were going to be fine, quick trip into the Deep Roads, treasure and wealth beyond
imagination, and back to the surface for a few drinks and a lifetime of posh spending." It was my turn to chuckle
as I glanced sideways at him nudging him back with my hip.
"I wish I could have your optimism Varric, but I just can't seem to shake this feeling..." and here I trailed off
not quite knowing what to say anymore. I could vaguely hear varric let out a low half sigh half chuckle under his
breath.
"Hawke, this wouldn't have something to do with having to bring along both Blondie and Broody would it?"
Once again Varric in all of his observant nature had seen right through me into the core of what was really
bothering me. Usually I found this irritating, but right now it was nice to know that I had someone I could
talk to. Ease the chaos if it were.
"Once again Varric my friend, you have seen right through me. Are you sure you aren't a seer...soothsayer...
you aren't one of those impossible Dwarven mages are you!? Are you reading my mind!?" My voice had risen a bit
louder than a normal conversational tone, but not to a shout as to not clue everyone into the little joke, but enough
to make it believable. I could see Anders crack a small smile, the first I'd seen since we left, and Bella and Fenris
looked over, Bella laughing lightly before shouting "You tell him Hawke!" and returning to her torment of poor Fenris.
Varric looked up at me almost incredulously, but finally he cracked one of his wry smiles.
"Shhhh...don't tell anyone or they'll lock me up and perform all kinds of tests. Oh the tests...they'd have to
shave my chest hair!? My dignity would be lost forever! What would the women say!? I would be the laughingstock of Lowtown!"
We were both laughing at this point, and it felt good to have a bit of light heartedness in the air instead of the guilt and dread I had been carrying since the beginning. We continued on in silence for a bit before I felt Varric nudge me again.
"But seriously Hawke. What is bothering you, talk to me." I sighed and rubbed the back of my neck for the 'I
don't know how manyith' time, before looking down at Varric.
"Honestly Varric, I'm not quite sure. I feel like I shouldn't have brought anyone else along with us, least of all
poor Anders, and then adding the tension of having Fenris and him in the same space for weeks on top of it. I don't
know what in the name of the Maker I was thinking...this was a bad idea, I'm sure of it...theres no way they can
exist in the same space for that long...they'll fight and I'll end up in the middle of it, and I'm confused enough as it is
and that will do nothing to help me at all. And between the way you and Bella tease me all the time, this is just no place
for figuring this out...I should have brought Merrill instead, hell even Aveline would have been better. Damn her and her
sense of duty... I just have this feeling that this was a bad idea, and I don't
want anyone to get hurt because of me. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. Maker damn me and my big mouth." I looked down, realizing I had said more
than I had intended, not to mention started rambling aimlessly, and tried to distract myself by kicking the toe of my boot absent mindedly in the dirt, refusing
to look anywhere but Varric. He had stopped walking a few steps back and I could feel him staring daggers into the back of my armor, it was an uncomfortable feeling
knowing that I had just unloaded so much this soon into the expedition. Hell we hadn't reached the Deep Roads yet and I was already loosing my mind. That had to be
reassuring. I could hear Varric's footsteps at my side once again and was pulled from my thoughts when he cleared his throat.
"Hawke, it is all going to be ok. We are all adults here, we know that this could be very dangerous, but we are all here of our own accord. No one forced any of us,
we are here because we want to. That goes for Anders, Fenris, and Isabella as well. Do you really think they would be here if they didn't want to be?" I mulled over
what he had said for a moment before shaking my head no. "Good. Everything is going to be ok Hawke, I promise. And maybe it would help ease your conscience if you go and
talk to Blondie...hell he may appreciate it too. Go... talk to him. It will help both of you, I know it. As for me I should probably go and pry Isabella off of Fenris
before he tucks his tail between his legs and hightails it back to Kirkwall as fast as he can run."
He jogged ahead to catch up with Bella and Fenris, leaving me to ponder what he had said. Was he right, was I just being ridiculous? Should I really bite the bullet and just talk to each of them in turn? Finally realizing that this was probably the best course of action I headed off to the cart in which Anders had situated himself. I figured starting with him might ease my mind the most seeing as he was the one I felt the guiltiest about. I found him tucked between the supply bags, head in his hands which were perched on his knees. He looked up when he heard me approach.
"Hawke, what is it? Are we almost there." Scanning his face I could tell that he was trying to brush off the dread that clearly hung about him. I felt the pang of guilt pull at me again. I pushed the feeling down as I wedged my body into the space across from him wrapping my arms around my knees.
"No, were not quite there yet, we most likely wont be there for a day or two, we will have to stop and make camp sometime before dark." He nodded rubbing his hand across his face, he looked weary and I couldn't help the thought that it was because of me and this Maker be damned expedition. I sighed gathering my courage before continuing, "I just wanted to make sure you were ok. I know how hard this trip is going to be for you, and I wanted to make sure you knew how much I appreciate you coming along..."I tapered off unsure of where to continue, there was so much I wanted to say but I didn't know how to say it...or even if I wanted to. I valued his friendship, and Maker knows I care about the man, and I did want/and wasn't going to allow this damn expedition to come between us if I could help it. I heard him sigh and I looked up meeting his eyes for the first time since I had made myself 'comfortable'.
"I will be ok Hawke, I promise. It will just take me a little while to prepare myself. The Deep Roads is not a pleasant place for anyone, least of all a Warden. Please do not worry about me Hawke. I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be, I know you know that. Don't worry about me Hawke, we will be in and out before you know it." At some point he had leaned forward and placed his hand on my knee. The sheer 'closeness' of the whole thing was almost enough to send me running out of the cart, but I remained seated. I nodded and we fell into a companionable silence, enjoying the last few hours of being above ground. For soon we would be in the Deep Roads, and the fear of the unknown was the least of our worries, we had just failed to figure it out yet.