Disclaimer: Not JKR, blah-blah-bliddy-blah. Bah.
A/N: The second chapter of Payback! Nothing to say but... enjoy.
The next day, Lily arrived at Transfiguration with a disconcerting ominous feeling. It wasn't that she wasn't all for Sirius getting back what he dished out, and she fully supported James in his quest for vengeance (after all, it wasn't very pleasant to have your boyfriend throwing up curdled milk all over your brand new shoes), but she still felt vaguely guilty. She sighed. It was that old demon coming back after her – she had "assumed a position of leadership" and all that crap. Being Head Girl had its advantages, for sure… but there were times when she wished the position didn't come with an extra helping of conscience. This, of course, was doubled indefinitely due to the fact that James was Head Boy. Stupid McGonagall. Stupid Dumbledore. Lily could have sworn that the two teachers had given the two of them the most senior positions a student could hold at Hogwarts more out of spite than anything else.
She sighed and, hugging her books to her chest, took a seat next to Frank Longbottom. He looked up at her and smiled, winking at her before turning back to his bag. Lily smiled back at him. She and Frank had always been on good terms, even when they had both sworn blind that the opposite sex had cooties. Sighing again, she dug her quill out of her bag and placed it gently on the desk in front of her, waiting for the lesson to begin. Lily suddenly realized how quiet the classroom was, and scanning her surroundings, she quickly found out why. Sirius Black was absent.
Oh, God, please tell me that James didn't do something horrible to Sirius that prevented him from coming to class. Please, please. If you do this for me, I promise I'll… I'll… well, I'll do something, I'll do lots of really… good… things. Promise.
Lily rubbed her eyes and when she peered between her fingers, she was pleased to see that James had arrived, and had taken the seat in front of her.
"Morning Lils."
"James. Morning. How're you feeling?"
"Great. Absolutely smashing, buttercup."
"Did you just call me, 'buttercup'? You know I'm going to have to hurt you now."
James shrugged. "Right. Sorry. Anyway, you'll be pleased to know that I caught Padfoot on my way here."
"James, no!" Lily gulped, "Is Sirius okay?"
"Fine and dandy, like grapefruit candy," James told her, and Lily looked strangely at him.
"Grapefruit candy?"
"Meh. Anyhow, not a hair is harmed on Siwius' wickle head."
"James! Focus!" Lily chided loudly. "What did you do?!"
"Woah, be calm, my little Lily flower. I just put a hex on him. It should wear off in about seven hours."
"What hex did you use?" Lily asked, surprised. It wasn't like James to go for something as mundane as the Jelly Legs hex or the like.
"It's something I've been working on," James told her, grinning, as Professor McGonagall walked in and began setting up. "A little after-school project, if you like. It's a confusion hex: basically it makes the victim behave strangely to everyone else, but the victim doesn't realize they're doing anything different to the way they usually behave."
"A custom hex?" Lily said, her eyes wide. "Do you know how dangerous that is?" She arranged her face into a shocked expression, trying to hide the surge of envy she felt. He's making hexes? Why aren't I doing that?
"Relax, Lils. Completely safe. I've tested it, it should be abso—" But James was interrupted by Professor McGonagall.
"Mr Potter, if whatever you have to say is worth interrupting my lesson for, I'm sure we'd all love to hear it." Professor McGonagall spoke sternly, but her eyes twinkled a little. It was no secret that she tended to favour the Head Boy and Girl in her classes.
"Well, I was just commenting on the fact that there aren't nearly enough Transfiguration lessons, Professor." James told her, smiling charismatically, as the people behind him mimed being sick. Several students around him booed, laughing.
"Yes, well, be that as it may, I have a lesson to teach."
"And I have a lesson to take, so that works out marvelously." James replied, and Lily whacked the back of his head sharply. McGonagall glared at him before turning her back on him to walk to the front of the class. A moment later, Sirius came in through the door, and Lily (along with the rest of the class) gaped at him. He was wearing a white and red checkered top hat, his white school shirt wrapped around his waist, leaving the rest of his torso bared, and his trousers sat around his ankles, showing the class his smiley-face boxers and making it very difficult for Sirius to walk. He waddled over to McGonagall's desk, grinning.
"Mr Black, please sit down so I can begin class," McGonagall said, eyes flashing with anger and surprise.
"Oh, but," Sirius replied, with the air of an impertinent six year old, "Class begins when I put my pants on."
"And why, pray tell, are they not on in the first place?" She asked him with a tone of voice that clearly told the class she was fighting to keep her temper in check.
"The real question, my dear Professor," Sirius said, before turning to the rest of the class, "is… why do I have nipples?" He brought his hands up to his naked chest, covering his nipples with his palms. "I mean, I know they're very manly and all, but I'm not going to be breastfeeding anytime soon. At least, I don't think I am. Men don't breastfeed, do they? Am I a man? Maybe I'm not." He hooked a finger around the elastic of his boxers and peered down his body. "No, I definitely am, see?" And before anyone could stop him, he pulled down his boxers, standing completely naked in front of the entire NEWT Transfiguration class. Lily immediately covered her eyes, and heard James splutter with laughter in front of her. The rest of the class was either hysterical with laughter or, like Lily, busy trying to cover their eyes or gouging them out with their quills. McGonagall, meanwhile, was busy shouting at Sirius, keeping very strict eye contact with him.
"Mr Black! Pull up your trousers this instant!"
Sirius grinned. "I know you like it, Minerva."
McGonagall's eyes widened and she stood up angrily. A remarkably tall woman, she towered over his 6ft 4". "Detention, Mr Black, every night for a fortnight. Now pull up your trousers and SIT DOWN!" She roared over the din of the rest of the class, and in an instant there was silence. Sirius nodded, still grinning and looking slightly dazed, before pulling up his trousers and taking a bow. Expecting applause, he started when none came, and took the remaining seat at the front of the class sulkily.
"This is brilliant," James whispered to Lily as McGonagall issued instructions for the class. "Sirius isn't going to know what hit him!"
"Wish something would hit me," Lily replied, "and give me a mild amnesia for the events of the last five minutes or so."
"Oh, come on, it was funny."
"You and your incredibly strange sense of humour, James. How long did you say this hex takes to wear off?"
"About seven, eight hours or so. Just enough for him to make a complete fool of himself."
"Great," Lily replied, feigning enthusiasm. "Let's just make sure I'm nowhere near when he does, okay?"
---
When James and Lily saw Sirius next, the two of them had just sat down to lunch in the Great Hall. Sirius came waltzing in, wearing a unicorn-head-shaped cap, complete with since spiralling horn that was rested in the middle of Sirius' forehead, bouncing in time with Sirius' step occasionally as he made his way over to the two Heads.
"JAMESIES! LILSIES! Om-guh!" Sirius yelled, and ran excitedly over to them. "Om-guh, om-guh, om-guh!"
"Sirius," Lily began cautiously, "are you feeling alright? You look a little… uh… insane."
"Om-guh! I'm fine Lilsies! Gosh, you don't have to worry about little old me, I'm fine and dandy, like—"
"Grapefruit candy, yeah, I heard." Lily replied dryly, and Sirius grinned.
"Om-guh." Sirius said, with an air of finality, and James and Lily exchanged glances. Sirius had clearly gone nuts.
"Erm… Sirius," James started. "What's 'om-guh' mean?"
"Om-guh! How can you guys not know what om-guh means! Golly," Sirius replied, scratching his neck, "Oh. Em. Gee! Om-guh!"
"Still not getting it, sorry," Lily told him. Sirius rolled his eyes.
"It's the first letters of Oh My God, said phon-et-ic-a-lly."
"Okay?" James said, and looked over at Lily. She shrugged.
"Om-guh. Om-guh, om-guh." Sirius sang, conducting an imaginary orchestra with two breadsticks.
"This is going to be a long day, James. And, just so you know," Lily said, "I'm entirely blaming you."
---
"I did what?" Sirius asked, burying his head in his hands. It was almost seven and James, Sirius and Lily had just come up from dinner in the Great Hall, about nine hours after his nudist incident in Transfiguration.
"And then you hit on McGonagall," James said, spluttering with laughter, "and she gave you a fortnight's worth of detention."
"Om-guh," Sirius said solemnly, and then shook his head. "Merlin, how did this happen?" he said loudly. "I don't remember doing any of this."
"Well," James said, and exchanged an evil look with Lily, "do you remember giving me a milk container for that cottage cheese bet?"
Sirius paused for a moment, and then grinned. "Ha, yeah. That was hilarious, the bet prank I ever pulled on y—" He paused, letting his mouth hang agape. "You did this to me?"
"Maybe a little bit." James replied, grinning. "So we're even now."
"No! Not even!" Sirius yelled, standing up. "You son of a bitch, I've got two weeks of detention thanks to you! You were only in the Hospital Wing for a couple of days!"
"Throwing up my kidneys!" James replied, seeming genuinely surprised at the reaction. "Come on, at least I didn't give you Doxy Wings or something. And it wasn't just me."
"Oh, no James, don't bring me into this." Lily told him sternly.
Sirius looked round at Lily with a look of surprise. "Evans? You were in on this?"
"Well, maybe a little bit, but I didn't know what James was going to—"
"But you knew he was going to do something?"
"Well, erm… no, but… erm… well, see, the thing of the matter is…" Lily swallowed. "Yes."
"I can't believe this. I'm a laughing stock thanks to you two."
"Well throwing up all over your girlfriend isn't exactly all sunshine and buttercups."
"That was a joke."
"So was this!"
"Well," Sirius said, gathering his books and quills in his arms, "If you thought this was over, that we were even or something, you were sorely mistaken. You've taken a little more than you deserved," he said, pointing at James threateningly. "And now its time to get some back." Sirius glared one final time at James and Lily before swiveling dramatically and going up the staircase to his right. James and Lily looked at each other for a moment before looking back at the staircase. Sirius was sitting at the bottom of a ramp where the staircase had been, his books and quills scattered unceremoniously around them. Without a word, he picked them up and stood up, straightening his robes.
"Oh, shut up," he told them. "Like you've never taken the wrong staircase."
James and Lily watched in silence at Sirius stormed up the other staircase and sat quietly for a moment.
"You don't think he's really serious, do you?" Lily asked James nervously. "I don't much fancy being the butt of Sirius' jokes."
"Nah, he's not. He'll have calmed down by miles by breakfast, don't worry about it."
"Do you think we went too far, James?"
James paused for a moment. "No," he told her decisively. "He's just overreacted."
Lily knew she was supposed to have been comforted by those words, but as she drifted off to sleep that night she realized that, really, they were no help to her at all.
---
A/N: Whatcha think? Please review!