Chapter 3 - Gilbert's regrets

Gilbert felt the need not to express his feelings on the subject of Break and Elliot's death. He didn't want to think about it, because he also wanted to forget and think of it as nothing but a dream. Duke Barma was kind enough from Sheryl's wishes to give them time off.

Two months of time off, was too much.

It had been a month and a half now, and still, everything was going downhill, despite their time off. They couldn't work and they couldn't accept it. Even Pandora seemed to be grieving the loss of Hatter, because Break was one of the most powerful in Pandora.

And he was the only one to contract Mad Hatter.

They mourned too, but Pandora went back to business as usual.

"It's strange isn't it?" Oz turned to him. "That people are acting normal, when in fact, they're all somewhat grieving."

Gil stared at Oz, who stood there staring at him.

"We're just the same as them."

"Only worse." Alice mumbled, eyes red from crying.

"It'll pass." Oz smiled forcefully. "One day we'll move on."

The people, however, still remained to be passive about the situation.

It was painful, especially for Reim, who he considered Break as a close friend. Reim had woken up a week ago, wanting to get right back to work immediately in order to drown out the thoughts and avoid the situation entirely.

"Reim-san!" Oz wanted to talk to him, badly.

"Oz, I don't think you should-"

"Gil, we have to." Oz looked at him.

"O-okay." Gil lowered his head in defeat. "Oz."

"Reim-san! Hold on!"

"P-please O-oz-sama." Reim averted his gaze. "P-please, I should go."

"You should stop doing this."

"I-I d-don't see what's wrong in doing my job." His smile, strained.

"Please stop pretending, Reim-san." Oz answered sadly. "Break wouldn't want you to be like this."

"I don't think I understand what you mean?"

"What do you mean, Oz?" Gil clenched his fist. "I don't get it."

"Please Oz-sama." Reim bit his lips. "I don't want to talk about Xerx."

"Y-you don't have to bottle it in!" Oz felt tears forming in his eyes. "W-we understand what you're going through."

"I-I'm not sure that you do." Reim choked in his words. "I've known him for so long, Oz-sama."

When Oz had cornered him, Reim broke down and told them everything he was feeling from day one of Break coming into their lives to the moment it had ended. Gil could see the look on his face when he continued to grieve, wanting to make up for everything that had happened.

Now, Gil felt guilty.

His main reason, was the fact that he wasn't able to help out when he was needed the most. And he felt guilt because not helping might have been the reason that Break wasn't able to survive. If he had thought more about who he wanted to protect and who he had to help out, then none of this would have happened.

He was a great key factor in this, and he regrets it.

Oz had let him go, wanting to be alone for a while, and he accepted Oz's response.

Truth be told, that Gil needed the break as well.

It was hard for him because he wasn't allowed to cry yet. He wasn't allowed to shed a tear if his master hasn't expressed his own feelings. It was corroding his own body and harming his health. He hadn't been able to sleep, because he thought about the fire and how tragic it was.

It felt so familiar and yet he couldn't remember.

Vincent was trying to cheer him up as well, but none of it was working and it only worsened his situation. So he stayed away from the man that Break truly despised, even though Break rarely showed it. He wanted to try and understand what was wrong with the relationship Vincent and Break had.

They hated each other, and he wanted to respect that.

Gil went back to one of the living rooms they usually stayed at. Sharon was with her grandmother, while Oz and Alice were together.

Everyone else was busy and now, he was all alone.

Gil looked at one of Break's candy wrapper that was sitting on the table. He really didn't want to talk to anyone at all, but the world was forcing him to communicate and keep going. He just wanted to lie down and blame himself for every little thing.

He couldn't even bring himself to look at Oz in the eye.

And everything he sees seems like a constant reminder of Break.

10 years they've known each other.

10 years of trust?

And it all comes to this.

oOo

He went to his bed and curled up with the pillow, making sure that the door was locked before he could try and be emotional about it. Oz had expressed his grief already, and though it was but silent tears, Gil knew that it was his time to mourn.

He thought that the pain would go away, but as soon as grief had settled, he was completely wrong. He hated Break whenever he was being annoying, whenever he was teasing and wished he could kill him, but he could never do that.

Break made him who he was today.

He was the reason Gil started cooking.

"Break seems a little too thin! He- He needs to eat more."

Break encouraged him to go to the Nightray's.

"Be my left eye, and report to me what you see."

Break teased him a lot.

He gave him confidence, put him through tough times but in the end, helped him get better. If Break never came to help him when his master disappeared into the abyss, he would have lost his path forever and wouldn't be standing by Oz's side.

There were so many things that Break has done for him, extraordinary things that nobody else could and he thankful for it. But not an ounce of thank you was spoken to Break.

Why is that during the last time you meet someone, you end up regretting not having told the important words that needed to be said?

Why is it like that?

For some reasons he enjoyed having Break around there to cheer him up, even if the cheering up turns to irritation; he was always there to guide him.

"Why couldn't you have stayed?" Gil clenched his fist and punched the pillow. "I could have helped you. Why couldn't you have stayed longer?"

Why?

Why is that?

Was it because of the what if's?

Nobody could have helped the Hatter, everyone knew that.

Break was dying the moment he signed his contract with the Hatter. Everyone grieved, but no matter what kind of cheering up someone does, they can't help but feel the place so quiet.

So silent.

So piercing.

"I could have helped you." He sighed, tears escaping his eye. "You idiot."He looked around his room, and the more things that he sees, the more the recollection of memory returns. He looked at the mirror that almost broke when Break popped out of nowhere and scared him. The table reminded him of how messy Break got when he threw candy wrappers on it and left it for Gil to that would never be able to see that smile again in his was looking for someone to protect and insisted that Oz needed his help but Oz was old enough to fight his own battles. And that stupid rabbit, they had each , needed his was that wish Break talked about with the Will of Abyss?No one will ever now, Break was done even fulfilling what he had to, it was something he was living for, wasn't it?"I should have said thank you." Gil bit his broke down, sobbing into his pillow, unable to stop the tears."What kind of a friend am I?" Gil threw his pillow. "Damn it, you could have waited.""Using that someone else, is just an excuse." Gil heard Break's voice in the back of his head. "Yes, it can make you stronger, but never let it cloud whatever it is 'you' yourself have a goal in."

What would become of him now that Break's gone?

He had no one else to guide him.

No one to look up to.

He missed him so much that he couldn't admit it even to himself.

He had pride in himself, but as long as he has, he will never move on.

Gilbert wanted to set aside his stubbornness. He was sure that Break wanted him to ease up and loosen up a bit. Break wanted him to go down his own path and seek his own triumphs and down falls.

"Listen Gilbert-kun, you must remember your priorities. Neh~"

Those were the words that Break spoke to him as a child.

He knew now what his priorities were.

But...

Who was he to protect?

Should he still serve Oz?

What was he going to do?

"You're always confusing me with your words Break!" He stiffly laughed. "You stupid clown."

The cold air broke into the room and he slightly shivered.

"Don't worry Break. I'll think of something."

TBC

:3