Left Behind

SPOILER ALERT!: Spoilers for Ch. 328! You have been warned!

Summary: "War doesn't determine who is right and who is wrong, only who is left behind."

Genre: Drama

Rating: K+

Author Notes: None, yah?

Disclaimer: Me not own Naruto, please don't sue.

Please excuse any grammatical or spelling errors…blah…blah…blah.

Please R&R…Thanks!

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I'm a fool. Oh, how I've been a fool. My whole life has been waiting. Just waiting patiently for my time. Waiting for when I'll be able to live my life.

Waiting for Kakashi to die.

I know that sounds mean. I flinch whenever I think about it. I'm not a bitch by nature – it just so happens that I'm one towards Kakashi. Well, internally I'm a bitch towards Kakashi. After all, he was Asuma's best friend – I couldn't possibly act like a bitch towards him. Asuma probably wouldn't have forgiven me if I did.

Look at me, talking of Asuma in the past tense. It didn't take long for me to become accustomed to his absence. I can only guess that that's because I am a kunoichi – death was always an option I had to be prepared for.

But it was Kakashi's death I was waiting for. You see, it's not because I hated Kakashi. No, I didn't hate Kakashi at all – I more of pitied him. Though I wouldn't dare say that to his face. He doesn't like having anyone's pity, he doesn't think he needs it.

No, I didn't want Kakashi dead because I hated him, I wanted him dead because he stole my time with Asuma.

Is that being selfish? Is that being a bitch? It probably is. But I can't help it. I've been waiting for Kakashi to die for years so that Asuma and I can actually start our life together. Our whole life together had been planned around Kakashi. After all, Sakumo's son is a troubled genius who really can't be allowed to die – he is needed for the safety of Konoha. Kakashi needed Asuma to take care of him, to care for him, to be there and be his friend.

But I needed Asuma too. And this is where I was a fool. Instead of asking for Asuma's time, instead of insisting that he care for me too, I let him go. I let him ignore me so that he can take care of Kakashi. I always believed that, in the end, Kakashi would die before any of us – whether by his own hands or that of someone else's. It didn't seems like a bad plan at the time. After all, Kakashi goes on the most dangerous and deadly missions that Konoha has – to die in one of them is not a very far-fetched hope.

Except it's Kakashi. And to think that Kakashi would die in a mission, any mission at all, seems like fool's hope now when I look back on it. This is Kakashi we're talking about – he wouldn't let himself die until he knows for a fact that Konoha will be safe without him. And right now Konoha could potentially crumble if he died.

And so I am left here, left to stare at the Memorial Stone that Kakashi himself so often frequents. Left to wait, and imagine, and wish. Asuma was suppose to grow old with me, love me, die with me. We were suppose to get married, have children, have a life together. But that was shattered long ago when Asuma took it upon himself to care for Kakashi's well-being. I still can't understand why Asuma took that job or why he thought he needed too. Sakumo's son was doing fine before Asuma came along. And sure, he might be a little more unstable now if Asuma hadn't been there to hold his hand, but he would still be here.

I've sit back and watch my life slip away as sand slips through one's fingers. My life was stolen, twisted, and broken by Kakashi. He took the one I needed most for himself without even thinking about me. But no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I want to, I can't actually hate Kakashi for it. I just can't.

He's been through so much – far more then any of us. He deserved a friend, he deserved someone he could trust and talk to. Who was I to take that away from him? Who was I to give more pain to one who had already be dealt a cruel hand by fate? It was not my place to take away what Kakashi needed and deserved. And so I waited in the background for my time, for my chance, for my place in the spotlight.

But it never came. Now Asuma's body is burnt – his secrets destroyed for the protection of this village. His name carved into the cold gray stone of this Memorial meant to give some sort of closure where none can be received.

In some ways we – Asuma, Kakashi, and I – were stuck in a love triangle. We both wanted, we both needed, Asuma to be with us. We needed his caring concern, his comfort, and most importantly – his understanding. But Kakashi was the winner, he got Asuma because he was the closes to falling – he was the closes to dieing. I wasn't. So therefore I could wait, or so Asuma must've thought.

Don't get me wrong – I was never completely ignored. Asuma was always there for me when I really needed him. But between his missions, my missions, and Kakashi our time together was short. It was lovely, it was sweet, and it was hot but it was short. And it was all because I had been the fool. I should've known how this would end. After all, it was determined when it begun.

All those close to Kakashi end up dieing. It is a cruel thing to say but history has proven it true again and again. Fate is not kind to Kakashi and I should've known that the closer Asuma got to Kakashi to closer Asuma inched to death. But I denied it – I couldn't face it. They were friends and I foolishly believed that Kakashi would never let someone get close to him if he feared it would bring upon their death.

But then I am reminded of the fact that Kakashi had tried desperately to push Asuma away, to make sure they never became friends. He tried for all he was worth but failed. Asuma had decided that he was going to save Kakashi and he would not be deterred.

And so here we are, two people standing side by side at the Memorial Stone. I cry but he does not – I'm not surprised. I know he's cried in private, I know he will continue to grieve. I will move on, he will not – for that is what history has taught me. Kakashi will never forgive himself for Asuma's death while I have no reason to blame myself for Asuma's death. I did nothing wrong, and in theory, neither did Kakashi. It was Kakashi's right to refuse that mission – even if it was the first mission he has ever refused.

This strange love triangle – where both Kakashi and I struggled to gain the attention of Asuma – has been destroyed. When a triangle is whole it is strong, it can suffer through much. But take away one point and it will collapse upon itself, its strength lost to the undying void of grief. Three has now become two.

A small part of me might hate Kakashi but the truth of the matter is that he's still a good friend and is stronger then I can ever hope to be. When I knocked on is door, consumed with grief and with no where idea of where to go, he let me in with no question. He made me my favourite tea and held me when I cried. He did not protest when I kissed him, he did not deny me the rebound sex I was searching for.

I know, deep down, that he didn't want what I forced him to give me. But yet he did not refuse what I needed – even if he hated it. He was there for me, in every way. He gave me what I needed with no protest and no questions. Even now, many days later, he doesn't speak of what occurred, of what I made him give. He holds no resentment to me – he thinks no less of me. Perhaps he knows we all deal with our grief in different ways.

It must seem strange that the first person I go running too after Asuma's death is the man who took Asuma away from me. In truth, I cannot explain it myself and I don't know why it happened – it just did. And to me, at that time, it felt right.

But I will not ask such a thing from Kakashi ever again, it is not my place. And it is not what Asuma would've wanted. I can only hope the man I loved will forgive me for my wrongdoings. And I have a feeling he probably will – after all, Asuma has always been known for his understanding.

"You're going to kill them aren't you?" I question the silver-haired, masked Jounin beside me.

He doesn't turn to look at me but he does respond. "Yes."

"Vengeance has yet to give you anything in return," I say, "So why would it be different this time?"

"I don't do it for me anymore," Kakashi whispers, "I do it for everyone else."

"For everyone else," I repeat as the wind dries the tears on my cheeks. My voice drops to a barely audible whisper, "For everyone else."

He turns and walks away, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I wonder if he knows the pain he's unintentionally caused me over the years? The pain that I feel ashamed and guilty for even feeling.

"It's always been for everyone else," I mutter into the wind, "Never for yourself Kakashi… never for yourself."