Left Behind

SPOILER ALERT!: Spoilers for Ch. 328! You have been warned!

Summary: "War doesn't determine who is right and who is wrong, only who is left behind."

Genre: Drama

Rating: K

Author Notes: I think I managed to royally screw up the verb tenses… I found it incredibly difficult to keep them all straight in this chapter. //shrugs// If you see any mistakes just point them out and I'll fix them to the best of my ability.

Disclaimer: Me not own Naruto, please don't sue.

Please excuse any grammatical or spelling errors…blah…blah…blah.

Please R&R…Thanks!

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I had found him at Asuma's apartment – just standing there. It was an odd sight but I can't say I had been surprised. After all, if I hadn't thought he would be there then I wouldn't have looked. I had searched for him with the intention of assigning him a mission.

But then I saw his eyes.

Yes, his eyes. Both of them, the black one and the red one. I knew as soon as I saw them that there would be no point in asking anything of him. He had decided his own mission already and I knew that nothing I could say would sway his decision.

A part of me had been surprised, a part of me hadn't been. I'd always thought he was a more rationally thinker, that he would understand the folly of revenge. After all, he had gone down that road many times before and got nothing in return – he will even tell you that if you ask. But then I think, so many people had come and gone through his life but only a few have stuck by him – only a few he has been able to call friends. Now that one of those rare friends, one of his rare companions, has been killed the only logically step would be revenge.

I guess it depends how you look at it – through the rules or the emotions. And that's something I've never quite managed to figure out about Kakashi. Sometimes he is completely for the rules and only the rules while other times he completely disregards them and follows only his emotions. It's a role of the dice with him… a gamble… and that isn't a particularly good thing.

I remember that he was crying as he stood in that apartment. It wasn't the first time I've seen him cry but it was the first time I've seen him be so completely lost. It makes me thankful that I wasn't the one to tell Kurenai – for if Kakashi is this much of an emotionally wreck I can only imagine how hard it is for Kurenai.

"It was my mission," he had said, turning his head away from me.

I had stayed at the door, almost afraid to step inside. He was so fragile looking, so lost, so broken. It was a rare sight for one to behold and there was almost something beautifully relieving about – a sign that Kakashi is just like the rest of us. That this shinobi does feel, does have a soul, does feel pain. That he isn't just a murderous tool.

"You had every right to refuse it," I had replied, "No one holds that against you."

"That's what hurts the most," he had whispered, "I know it's my fault but no one will believe that except me."

"No one will believe it because it's not true," I had answered, unsure of what I should say or do.

A part of me had wanted to take him in my arms… comfort him. Give him some sort of relief. But I had known that whatever I offered he would not accept – and I doubt it would've been enough anyways. So I had simply left, closing the door softly behind me. I stood there for awhile, back against the door, listening to the sounds of quiet sobs. It had alarmed me, shocked me, even disturbed me. It didn't seem right then, and it still doesn't now. Kakashi isn't suppose to cry, he isn't suppose to care. But he does.

Because he's human. Because he's just like the rest of us. It's a hard thing for me to accept, even now. Asuma's death just drove that fact into my mind even more. I now know that I can't keep sending him on the missions I do send him on. I can't keep pushing him without giving him breaks. I know he doesn't show it but it hurts him, it's hard for him. He hides it well, he always has.

Of course, there's been times when he has slipped. Where the emotions become too much for him to hide. There have been times when he has cracked and fallen, where he has needed help to get back on his feet.

And it was always Asuma that was there for him. Who would it be now? I know it can't be me for I couldn't even comfort him when I found him at Asuma's apartment. I couldn't re-enter that place after I had exited. I had stood there, back to the door, for a very, very long time. Possibly over an hour, I'm not too sure. I just stood there and listened to the sobs of the destroyed man. Eventually they had stopped but he hadn't left and I couldn't bring myself to open the door again. I couldn't bring myself to see him so broken – I don't have the strength myself to do that.

So I had left then. Returned to my office. Returned to where I am now. Returned to my job and the numbing routine of it.

And signed his death certificate. It was the final step needed to confirm his death. It was the dotting of the 'i's and the crossing of the 't's. It was the final straw, the stake to the heart. The reality struck me cold and hard. Weighed down on my mind. It took awhile but I finally realized I was crying. I figured out that if I focused hard enough on the floor then I could still my thoughts and stop the tears – but the grief wouldn't leave.

The Sandaime's son was dead. It was a hard pill to swallow. How could the son of the Third Hokage die? He was meant to live long. He was meant to grow old, marry Kurenai, have children. He wasn't meant to die.

It really was meant to be Kakashi.

But then I think… if Kakashi had gone on that mission would he have died or would he have been successful? I know 'what-if' questions are not healthy to wonder over but I can't help it. This could've been a drastically different result if Kakashi had gone.

And I can't help feeling a little bit of resentment towards the Copy Nin. After all, I had given him the mission. What was it that caused him to refuse? Naruto's training could've been overseen by Yamato throughout the whole time – Kakashi didn't really need to be there.

But he wanted to be. Which in itself is quite remarkable. Kakashi wants very little and gets even less then what he wants. But I can't help wondering if he knew, if he had a feeling that the mission would be a failure.

But wouldn't he have been more likely to go if he thought the mission would fail? Hasn't his whole life been revolved around trying to protect others? Yet, it is a gamble with Kakashi – always has been. His one of those people that you will never be able to figure out, no matter what. I don't think he's even figured out himself.

Asuma knew him though, knew him better then anyone. He figured out Kakashi, could give him what no one else could. Asuma alone managed to break through to Kakashi, managed to see the man beneath the mask more than anyone else.

Asuma was Kakashi's pillar of strength, his go-to man, his support. Kakashi got the glory while Asuma stood in his shadow and quietly gave all he had to save the Sharingan user. But with Asuma gone what will happen now? So many questions now linger in the air. Questions that only time will be able to give the answer too.

Who would be Team 10's Sensei now? Should I give the job to Kakashi for the time being? It would seem like the logically choice. All four of them seek revenge so why not put them together? But that could be a disaster too. They might all let their emotions control them and not take the time nor the thought to execute their revenge in the safest way. They could die, all four of them, if I put them together and send them out to kill those who murdered the one they cared so much for.

The right thing to do would probably be to keep all four of them on watch and not let them attempt to attain their revenge. But I know already that restraining them would only hurt them more. They would all simply defy my orders and leave anyways. And that would even be worse.

"You've caused a lot of trouble by dieing Asuma," I whisper to the empty office.

I stand up from my desk and walk over to one of the many windows. The day is still and the sky overcast.

"Shikamaru said he'd keep an eye on Kurenai for you." I can't believe I'm talking to myself now. "I guess I'll have to keep an eye on Kakashi for you now."

You touched more people then you knew Asuma.