Halo 3 Screwed Up Version
Chapter 8: The Covenant Is Retarded
Hey guys I was enjoying spring break but now shit school is back so now let this chapter begin.
Five Pelicans flew to the mainland on the installation 00.
They are followed by two Separatist Phantoms.
Behind them is the Sangheili (elite is what humans call them) Shadow of Zero Fucks.
The view changed to a large energy barrier surrounded by the Covenant of side with the Prophet of False (Truth).
While flying in the air Commander Miranda Keyes questioned over the COM, "When we hit these three generators, the barrier will fall correct?"
123 Innocent Spark Plug replied over the COM, "A small section, yes."
A grunt saw the dropships as they approach the mainland.
It jumps and cowered like a fucking pussy ass bitch.
Chief questioned to 123, "Why not a bit section?"
123 Innocent Spark replied, "Do you really think we can take all 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 of these generators?"
Chief said shocked, "Da faq?!"
123 answered, "I didn't think so."
Keyes ordered, "Good enough. Johnson, drop the Chief at the first generator, then head to the third. The elites will punch right down the middle."
Johnson replied, "Roger that."
They get shot down that chief was in.
Poor chief, something bad always happens to him, but no one gave a fuck.
The pelican that chief was in made a rough landing after being shot by a Covenant Wraith.
When they landed, chief grabbed a Spartan Laser and jumped out.
Chief had a :3 on him while firing it.
After when he killed all the covenant on the part of the mainland.
A pelican dropped a mongoose and chief got on and drove to the first tower.
Derp minutes later.
Chief made it on top of the tower.
Keyes said impatiently, "Chief, find the tower controls, and shut it down."
Chief got angry, "Bitch don't be like Cortana because she tells me what to do, not you."
Keyes said annoyed, "I'll be like her if you don't turn it off."
Chief said pissed, "Fine! Just give me a fucking second."
After when chief was finished talking to Keyes, he sees a Brute Chieftain masturbating.
No wonder why the floor was slippery chief thought.
Chief killed him and turned off the tower.
Keyes said, "Fucking finally chief! Now, the Arbiter should just about to…"
The 2nd tower turned off.
"…that's two! It's all up to Johnson's team now."
Everyone watches the 3rd tower for a moment and it's still active.
Keyes said annoyed and impatient, "Great, not Johnson is taking fucking longer than you are Chief!"
Chief mumbled, "I'd like to see you turn off a tower you rotten bitch."
Johnson said with static over the COM, "Fire's to heavy! Oh my God their horny!"
He yelled to his troops even though their dead.
"EVERYONE FALL BACK!"
Keyes said shocked, "Sergeant Major Johnson, can you hear me!"
She sighed, "Chief, you need to link up with the Arbiter and proceed directly to the 3rd tower. Make your way back to the beach."
Chief made it out of the top floor while Jackals and Grunts are attacking Marines.
Chief ran in front of them and killed them all including the marines because they were in the fucking way.
It happens in the game.
I hate people getting in the way and I'm sure you guys feel the same.
He made it outside and a marine who was driving a Hornet.
If you don't know what that is, look it up.
Chief jumped in crashed in the top floor killing the covenant guarding the controls for the tower.
Chief turned off the tower and then the barrier falls.
The Shadow of Zero Fucks advances on the Citadel (whatever the fuck that means).
A flood pod crashes into the hull of the ship and then breaks apart in midair.
Chief said annoyed, "Aw fuck me."
The pod hit the window and bounces off.
Chief laughed, "FAIL!"
Keyes said shocked, "Shipmaster, what's your status?"
Ratas (Shipmaster) answered after his ship got fucked in the ass, "Significant damage! Weapon system disabled!"
Keyes ordered, "Move to a safe distance, stay away from the flood."
Ratas questioned, "Why would the Parasite come here?"
Chief answered, "Because they want to fuck us in the ass."
Thel (Arbiter) said to Spark, "Go to the top of the hill, Oracle, no higher. We cannot rist your capture by the Flood."
Keyes said to Chief, "Alright then, Chief go and kill the Prophet of Truth."
Chief said relieved, "Finally, some action!"
One final effort, a song from the Halo 3 soundtrack started playing.
Randomly Chief teleported in front of the bridge to the building of the Boat (Ark) along with the Arbiter (Thel).
Two Scarabs appeared out of nowhere behind Chief and Thel.
They both destroyed the two Scarabs and ran across the bridge and Spark said, "OMG! If only we had more time!"
Chief and Thel both yelled Spark, "Shut the fuck up!"
Chief and Thel turned to each other.
Turns out they had a lot in common (HAH GAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY).
They made it across the bridge and they both walked in a large room with viewscreens on each side.
The Prophet is making another speech.
Chief got annoyed and shot all of the screens.
Thel looked at him. Chief said, "What? I hate speeches."
Then chief had another Cortana Moment, "It asked, and I answered. For a moment of safety, I loosed damnation upon the stars."
Chief said annoyed, "Again, I didn't understand what the fuck she said."
Thel and Chief find an elevator and activated.
Keyes questioned, "How close are you?"
Chief said annoyed, "We're not even fucking close."
At the control center, Johnson got thrown on the floor by a brute.
Truth yelled, "Stop you imbecile! He wants you to kill him!"
Truth turns around and says to himself, "I'd prefer that you did not…"
Johnson replies with a smirk, "What's wrong ugly? Can't start the party?"
Truth answers, "I'll admit. I do need your help."
That's because he's lazy as fuck and doesn't want to do it himself.
Keyes crashed and died because of her terrible piloting.
Johnson saw who it was and yelled, "NOOOOO!"
Truth blinked a few times, confused and shocked about what just happened.
Truth grabbed Johnson and made him start the Boat.
Truth raised his arms like he just praised the Forerunners that he just climaxed or something.
All the rings light up except installation 04 because chief blew the mother fuck up on the Halo Combat Evolved Screwed Up Version.
Chief and Thel made it to the top of the elevator and was about to run and kill the False fuck, but one of the Flood Forms stopped right in front of them.
It said in a Gravemind voice, "Don't shoot, but listen! Let me lead you safely to our foe. Only you can halt what he has set in motion."
Chief said, "Eh, fuck it lets kill Truth."
Thel agreed and ran with chief down the hall along with the flood.
They killed the Covenant who were guarding.
Like they'll survive XD.
After a few minutes, they made it to the Control Room and chief turned it off.
Truth yelled in pain, "NO! I…am…Truth! The voice of the Covenant!"
Thel said, "Asshole! You must be silenced."
He stabbed Truth with his energy sword.
HE FINALLY DIED, THANK YOU JESUS!
Thel roars -_- (wow).
Johnson was holding the dead Commander Miranda Keyes.
Johnson was sad.
Chief giggled to himself, "The two star-crossed lovers like Romeo and Juliet."
Then the flood had no food (bodies) left to eat and started attacking Thel and Chief.
Johnson found the crashed Pelican and left their asses.
Then Chief and Thel somehow ended up on a cliff edge and see a Dahalo.
Thel turns to chief, "A replacement for the ring you destroyed."
All Chief said was goddammit.
Chief said to Thel, "I'm going to light this bitch…again."
Thel questioned, "How will you light it?"
They both turn to look at the crashed High on Drugs in the distance.
Chief said to the Arbiter, "Cortana still has the index from the last Dahalo."
This was a fucking long chapter so you better have read it ;)