I swear I'm working on more of these, it's just that time of year where I can both celebrate and rip on Christmas and it not be weird. (I get excited for Christmas in July. Go figure.)
It was that time of year again. The time of year with red and green decorations, a tree in the house, and a fat man delivering gifts through chimneys, even if you don't have one.
Slutty Jill set some cookies out on plate in an excited fashion, pouring a tall glass of milk to go with it. She set them out on the side table, near the tree. Though they didn't have a chimney, she was still excited in anticipation for Santa.
Evil Jill, who was situated on the love seat on the other side of the small living room, flipped a page in the magazine she was reading. "You know that 'Santa' rearranged is 'Satan'."
Slutty Jill just smiled. "There is nothing you can do to crush my mood. I love Christmas too much for you to do that."
Evil Jill quirked an eyebrow and looked up. "You know Santa isn't real either, right?"
Slutty Jill scoffed. "Of course he is! How else would he deliver all the best gifts?"
Rolling her eyes, Evil Jill went back to the magazine. "Not only are you a hooker, but you're a delusional hooker."
"Oh, Jill! Your pessimism isn't going to land you on the nice list."
Evil Jill smirked. "In those heels, you're not on that list either."
At this moment, Logical Jill came down the stairs. "Guys, stop it. It's Christmas Eve and you shouldn't be fighting. Tis the season, no?"
Evil Jill snorted and flipped a page in her magazine. "If the season involves spending copious amounts of money on things that aren't 'good enough' for the ungrateful people who receive them, or forgetting manners and courtesy just because you're in a rush, then sure, tis the season. Speaking of which, it's the perfect opportunity to shovel snow onto people's cars and driveways."
Logical Jill sighed while Slutty Jill spoke up, "Even you can't be that much of a Grinch. You get to spend time with people who care about you and who you care about back."
Without looking up, Evil Jill spoke. "Then why am I spending it with you?"
Slutty Jill's shoulders deflated.
"Jill…" Logical Jill reached a hand out and put it on Slutty Jill's shoulder.
"It's fine," She gave a weak smile then headed up stairs for the night.
Logical Jill turned a menacing eye to Evil Jill. "What's wrong with you? She was really excited for Christmas."
Evil Jill kept her eyes to the magazine and shrugged. "She said I wouldn't be able to knock off her spirit. Clearly, she was lying."
"It's Christmas Eve," Logical Jill huffed. "The least you could do is try."
Slutty Jill hurried down the stairs at an hour much too early for anyone aside from excited children. She squealed with childish delight upon seeing the cookies missing a few bites and some milk gone. There were also a few extra gifts under the tree.
Logical Jill came down the stairs shortly after, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. She went straight to the coffee machine knowing that it was one of the only ways to get Evil Jill out of bed.
Slutty Jill was already digging under the tree searching for her gifts and ready to tear the paper to shreds.
Before she could get too far, Logical Jill spoke up, "Go wake up Jill before we start."
Without protest or questions, Slutty Jill perked up. "Okay!"
She raced up the stairs and burst through the door into Evil Jill's room. The woman was buried under her mountain of blankets still trying to get as much sleep as she could.
Slutty Jill leapt onto the bed causing the bed's occupant to bounce. Nothing.
"C'mon, Jill! We can't start without you and it looks really good this year!" Slutty Jill whined.
Still nothing.
Groaning loudly, Slutty Jill shook Evil Jill vigorously, but still nothing. The woman could sleep through an earthquake.
"Fine, I'll drag you down there myself!"
Slutty Jill pushed Evil Jill from the bed with both her feet, sending her to the ground with a thump. Only then did Evil Jill groan. "S'too early. G'back to bed."
Slutty Jill looked down at her. "It's Christmas! This is no time to sleep."
This didn't even faze the blond woman.
Slutty Jill sighed in defeat. "What if I tell you there's coffee? Hot, black, sexy, coffee?"
Evil Jill raised her head. "Now were talking."
Slutty Jill came parading back down the stairs, a sluggish Evil Jill in tow. Logical Jill handed her a mug the second her feet hit ground level and she was taking a sip within seconds. The trio made their way to the living room, taking places on the couch, aside from Slutty Jill. She liked it better on the floor.
Slutty Jill grabbed the first gift from under the tree, a small one. To: Logical Jill. From: Evil Jill.
She handed it off, excitedly waiting for Logical Jill to open it. With careful hands not meant for opening Christmas gifts, Logical Jill removed each piece of tape and carefully unfolded it.
"For God's sake, Jill, just rip it open." This remark came from Evil Jill, surprising both the other Jill's.
Logical Jill ripped it open, revealing a brand new titanium lock-picking kit. Logical Jill's eyes widened. "Wow. How did you know…"
Evil Jill leaned back in her seat cockily, most of her coffee finished off. "There isn't much I don't know."
Logical Jill grinned. "Thank you. This is wonderful!"
Slutty Jill dove back under the tree. "My turn!" She picked out a larger box from Logical Jill to herself. Unlike Logical Jill, she wasted no time in shredding the paper and finding a shoe box. Inside was a new pair of stylish brown leather boots with hardly any heel. She squealed in delight hugging them to her chest before getting up and hugging Logical Jill.
After thanking her many times, Slutty Jill gave Evil Jill her two gifts; one from either of them. The first one was a rather large and heavy gift from Logical Jill. She tore it open and found a safe with a touch-pad and knobs.
Logical Jill held up her hands. "Not that I condone villainy, but sometimes a little privacy is nice."
Evil Jill looked up and nodded towards her. "Thank you," She looked back down. "This is actually pretty nice."
"Open mine now," Slutty Jill chirped from the floor.
The blond woman put the safe down beside her and picked up her other gift. This one wasn't nearly as heavy as the first, but it was also smaller. With the same care as before, she removed the paper and found one of her favourite things. Coffee.
It was a box filled with several different bags of exotic coffees from different parts of the world in different flavours. She started to drool at the sight. Matching this was a black coffee mug that said 'Have a Nice Day!' written in bold letters.
With an eyebrow quirked, Evil Jill lifted it out. "Why would I wish anyone a good day?"
Slutty Jill smiled. "Check the bottom."
She did. It was a hand giving her the finger. She laughed, evilly. It was beautiful. When she was finally able to contain her laughter, she turned to Slutty Jill with a smile and thanked her.
Logical Jill was the next to open a gift, this one from Slutty Jill. She wasn't careful this time.
Upon opening the box, she discovered a brand new blue beret. How Slutty Jill knew she liked to wear these things was beyond her. She threw up her arms and cheered, throwing the beret on her head and giving Slutty Jill a thank you hug.
Slutty Jill grabbed the last gift, which was addressed to her from Evil Jill. She grinned, knowing that even though the woman was evil, she has still gotten her something.
She tore the paper from the box, throwing it into the air as she went. It was a fairly long and thin box and she hadn't a clue what it could be. When the paper was off, even the box gave no indication as to what it was.
Without sparing any glances, she opened the box and pulled out a long steel pole. She held it out in front of her, before grinning and turning to Evil Jill. "A new bar to hold more of my clothes. Thanks so much."
Evil Jill just smirked. "Turn it vertically."
Slutty Jill did as instructed, a confused look on her face. "How is this supposed to hold clothes now?"
A grin spread over Evil Jill's face. "It's not. It supports body weight."
"But why would…" Slutty Jill's eyes widened. If possible, Evil Jill's grin grew wider.
Logical Jill hung her head. "Oh God."
"WHY WOULD YOU GET ME A STRIPPER POLE? I'M NOT A STRIPPER! I'M NOT EVEN A HOOKER!"
Evil Jill just laughed, tears forming in the corners of her eyes as she fell over the armrest of the couch. Slutty Jill just glared at her.
"I hear it's an excellent workout?" Logical Jill offered.
Slutty Jill turned to her. "You're on her side?"
Logical Jill raised her hands in submission. "No! I just… It's… uh… Optimism?"
Slutty Jill crossed her arms and turned away from both the other Jill's. On doing so she turned towards the tree and saw a large gift hidden away behind it. Curiosity emptied her mind, as she uncrossed her arms and crawled over to it. With much effort, she pulled it back from behind the tree.
Evil Jill had stopped laughing, and now all three of them were focused on the last gift. Just when they thought the shenanigans was over…
Slutty Jill read the top out loud. "From Santa. To Jill." Evil Jill rolled her eyes.
"Does it say which one of us?" Logical Jill input.
Slutty Jill shook her head, and continued to look at the gift.
"Open it, already," Evil Jill prodded.
Slutty Jill tore it open and found a deluxe sandwich griller with a cookbook strictly for sandwiches. Evil Jill was the first to respond, seeming to understand before the rest of them. "Funny guys, I know I'm great at making sandwiches, but this was kind of out there."
The other two Jill's looked at each other, then back at the other Jill in a comedic fashion.
"We didn't do it," Logical Jill spoke up.
Slutty Jill's eyes widened. "Santa! It was Santa! See, Jill? He is real!"
The other two Jill's exchanged looks. Either Santa was real or there was someone out there hell bent on over-killing a joke.