DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN VICTORiOUS.
Chapter 10
Against Humanity
A/N: The card game has a lot of thematic, raunchy, and vulgar elements. Some content might seem offending and if that is the case, my apologies. This chapter is MA, mature adults. Don't read this or let your younger siblings or children see this. You'll most likely be dying of laughter at the end and drowning in your own tears. I know, I've almost died each time. You've been warned, so don't bitch to me. Enjoy. Credit goes to Cards Against Humanity.
Cat's POV
Huh? What's Cards Against Humanity? Is it cards that attack humans? Why would they do that? OH MY GOD! I'm a human! Why would they attack me?!
"Why would cards want to attack us?" I ask scared. I got WTF looks from everybody. Why?
"Cat, it's a card game." Jade explained patiently. Ooh, I love card games!
"Yay! I love card games! But, the name is Cards Against Humanity; how did we know if they won't hurt us?"
"I'm pretty sure they won't." Andre reassured me.
"Ooh, ok! I wanna play!"
"Anybody else interested?" Tori asked. Everyone said yes. Yay! Everyone's happy!
"I'll go get the game then." Tori said, with confused look on her face from my outburst. She left for upstairs and came back a couple of minutes later with a black box. We all gathered in the living room and sat down. Robbie and I took the floor facing the piano behind the couches. Beck and Jade took the couch to our right and Tori and Andre took the other couch. Tori opened the box and started pulling out a lotta cards. There had to be at least a hundred or so of the white cards and only a small amount of the black cards. She put the black cards face down in one pile and split the white cards in several smaller piles face down next to the black cards.
"Did you guys every play Apples to Apples as kids?" Tori asked.
"No." Jade answered nonchalantly.
"Meh." Beck replied monotonously.
"Kinda." Robbie said.
"Yeah." I said.
"Ok, it's pretty simple. The black cards are questions or fill-in-the-blanks and the whiter cards are answers, one of us reads a black card and everyone else puts in a white card that best matches the black card and the best match gets the black card. In the end, the person with the highest number of black cards wins." Tori explained.
"How do we choose who goes first?" Beck asked. Tori's expression contorted with embarrassment. What's wrong?
"Um, the person who took a shit most recently goes first." Tori explained. Jade laughed, Beck chuckled lightly and everyone else groaned.
"So, who goes first?" Robbie asked.
"When was the last time anybody went to the bathroom?" Tori pointed out. Everyone said that they hadn't gone in some time. How is this gonna work? Where am I supposed to wazz?
"How do we work this out, Tori?" Robbie asked.
"The toilets will still work. We got water so I doubt the toilets shouldn't be a problem." Tori explained.
"Well, in that case…" Andre said before everyone jumped up at ran towards the nearest bathroom. I've slept over here before so I know that there's a bathroom downstairs and in Tori's bedroom. I imagine that there's one in Trina's room and obviously one in the master bedroom. That makes four bathrooms and six of us, so two people will be dancing outside waiting for the other person to finish. This is gonna be painful.
Jade's POV
I run with Beck to a bathroom to use before I explode. We run upstairs to the master bathroom. We split off from the others. I was too busy trying to save my bladder to care where they went. I think one of them is behind us, but like I said, I'm too busy to care.
Beck and I ran inside the bedroom and towards the bathroom. We reach there at the same time, which results in the both of us getting caught in the door jamb trying to get in at the same time. We both struggle to get in before the other, but he was starting to get ahead slightly, since he was much stronger than me.
"Hey!" a voice shouted behind us. We both stop to turn our heads as much as we could to see who it was. Cat was standing there at the door with an angry but determined look.
"Get your own!" Beck shouted and he continued to struggle to get inside. I struggled to keep him out and get ahead so I could get in, but it was starting to drain us both. We both heard a yell behind us and turned in time to see Cat charging at us. We both tried to get out of the way but Cat rammed into us, sending all three of us into the large bathroom and on the floor. The bathroom was at least half the size of the bedroom and had a walk-in glass door shower and an iron cast tub and two sinks.
Cat got up and made a beeline towards the toilet. I tried to grab her leg but since Beck was on top of me and wouldn't get up so I could get a better grip, Cat escaped and started to undo her jeans.
"Oh no you don't!" Beck shouted jumping up and running top Cat. He grabbed Cat and picked her up as she pulled her jeans down to reveal pink (surprise there) panties. She squealed and struggled but Beck put her in the glass door shower and closed it. Cat walked into the door and was stunned. This gave him time to undo his belt buckle and lift the toilet seat. While he was distracted, I manage to get up after being partially crushed by him and I walked up behind him and kicked him in the ass as he started to pull down his jeans.
"Hey!" he shouted and turned in time to be slapped around by me. He raised his hands to protect himself, but his jeans slid down and he got tangled and I pushed him to the floor. My turn. I got to the toilet and managed to get my skirt and leggings down so that I could use the toilet. Victory for me. Sorry Cat and Beck, better luck next time.
"Oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….." I moaned as I felt my bladder release its contents. I kept moaning til I heard a knock to my right. Cat was knocking at the glass door.
"Can someone let me out please?" she asked quietly.
"Seriously? You can't open it?" Beck asked on the floor, clearly annoyed by Cat's idiocy.
"I hit my head pretty hard." Cat replied.
"Ugh, just a second." Beck groaned. He got up and pulled his jeans up and held them as he opened the door for Cat to come out of the shower. She had her jeans up too and was holding them. They both turned to me and stared at me. I was just about finished.
"What?" I ask.
"Will you hurry the fuck up?" they both said in unison. I'm used to Beck swearing. Cat swearing is really odd.
"Just about finished!" I proclaim as I stand up and pull my underwear, leggings, and skirt back up. I turn to flush the toilet. It worked. Now I can watch Beck and Cat fight for the toilet. Beck won and Cat was dancing while he went. Cat went next and we left to go back downstairs. We were moaning from our bladders' killing us.
We headed back downstairs and we took our time. Our groins were sore. We made it eventually and the others are there already. Tori and Andre are lying on the couches and Robbie is on the floor. They're all moaning from their bladders nearly exploding.
"My bladder hurts." Cat moaned.
"Join the club," Tori groaned from the couch closest to the front door.
"Can we start playing now?" Andre asked.
"Yes, let's play." Beck declared.
Beck's POV
We took our original seats before all that toilet fun earlier.
"Who took a shit during all that excitement earlier?" Jade asked bluntly. Robbie raised his hand. He blushed with embarrassment.
"I'll pick the category." Robbie added for good measure. I roll my eyes.
"Just pick the fucken category already." Tori said annoyed. Robbie flinched a bit and grabbed the top card from the black deck. He cleared his throat and read the card out loud.
"What did the US airdrop to the children of Afghanistan?" Everyone but Robbie checked their hands and put in one card in a pile in front of Robbie and grabbed a card to fill their hand again. Robbie picked the cards up, shuffled them and started reading the out loud.
"BATMAN! Golden showers; the terrorists; Britney Spears at 55; Geese." What followed was uproar. We all laughed at the various cards. The geese card made us all think of Cat. Robbie choked on his tears as he announced the winner.
"Gotta go with the terrorists!"
"Whoo oooh!" Jade cheered as she snatched the category card from in front of Robbie.
"Who's next to read?" Andre asked Tori.
"Clockwise." She replied. This meant it was her turn, the Andre, then myself, then Jade, and finally Cat. Tori grabbed a category card.
"Why can't I sleep at night?" Cards were dished out and she read them.
"Alcoholism; doin' it in the butt; used panties; not giving a shit about the Third World; the art of seduction." Laughter and crying followed. Fuck this game is awesome! I gotta find it and get my own copy.
"Who had doin' it in the butt?" she asked. I raised my hand and cheered as I took the card. I received surprised looks from everybody except Jade, who is blushing like crazy.
"Don't need to know the deets." Andre spoke up as he took the next category. "I drink to forget blank."
"You drink to forget blank?" Cat asked confused.
"No, no. There's a blank at the end of the statement." Andre informed her. Man, she is dumb sometimes. Makes me wonder how in the Hell she knew what sex even is. Whatever. Andre received and read out loud the cards.
"Justin Bieber; The Virginia Tech Massacre; Shaquille O'Neil's acting career; being a dick to children; an uppercut." Mixed reactions. "Shaq's acting career." Andre stated. Tori clapped and took the category. My turn. I grab the next one and read it.
"What's that smell?" I read. Jade put her card down immediately and I received all but Cat's card.
"What's wrong Cat?" Robbie asked. Cat was sniffing the air.
"I don't smell anything." She said confused. Ugh.
"It's the fucking category, moron!" Jade shouted. Cat squealed and buried herself in Robbie and handed me her card.
"Silence; the Force; dead babies; balls; being fabulous." I read out loud and struggled as the cards were hilarious, except for Cat's of course. She's putting in her most innocent cards in. She's probably going to run out of them soon.
"I'm going with silence." I declare. Andre takes his first victory.
"Dafuq was wrong with mine, Beck?" Jade asked me accusatorily. If you don't know which one was hers, I don't know what your problem is.
"You can't smell silence, which makes it very hilarious." I explain to her calmly.
"Whatever. My turn." Jade grumbled as she grabbed the next category. "In Michael Jackson's final moments, he thought about blank." Everyone handed her their card.
"Michael Jackson, seriously? Preteens, too old; laying an egg, Cat, you suck at this game; Nickelback, lame Andre; Stormtroopers, too obvious Rob." Jade had to comment on everyone's cards. The people she called out on looked embarrassed at their choices that she commented and displayed.
"They all suck, but Michael Jackson." Tori clapped as she took her second victory. Jade rolled her eyes and groaned that Tori won again.
"Yay! It's my turn!" Cat shouted as she took the next category. She then laughed at the card.
"Well?" I asked.
"Why am I sticky?" Cat read. Everyone looked at their cards and handed them to Cat. Cat read them out loud and laughed at some of them. I wonder how she'll react to the um, more adult cards.
"Pac-Man uncontrollably guzzling cum; sexual tension; menstrual rage; German dungeon porn; Harry Potter erotica." She read. Holy shit, she actually read them all. She normally gets upset about saying something too 'dirty' and refuses to say it. What the Hell was that Danny loser teaching her?
"Menstrual rage," Cat decided.
"YES!" Jade cheered loudly as everybody groaned. I thought the Pac-Man one was good. Now play that game with that image in your head.
Tori's POV
The game went on for a couple of hours as we played. There were around 90 or so of the category cards and we've done 88 of them. It was my turn to read the category.
"While the United States raced the Soviet Union to the moon, the Mexican government funneled millions of pesos into research on blank." Same routine.
"Forgetting the Alamo; daddy issues; crippling debt; teenage pregnancy; sexy pillow fights." Uproar! "The Alamo!" Robbie cheered as he took another victory. Andre picked the final card and cleared his throat.
"What's my secret power?" he read and everybody handed him their cards. I notice that Jade has a particularly devilish smile on her face.
"Darth Vader; being a motherfucking sorcerer; PUPPIES! Bingeing and purging; the clitoris." Everyone gasped at the last one. "Clitoris," Andre whispered. Jade smiled and took the final category. Everyone stared at her except Beck, who was blushing furiously and looked ready to die of embarrassment. I'm guessing this has happened to him before. No one was interested to continue.
"Count your category cards now." I state. We all grabbed our piles of categories and counted them.
"17." I said.
"23." Jade replied happily.
"20." Beck replied nonchalant.
"15." Andre stated.
"6." Cat said sadly.
"9." Robbie said sadly too.
"Good game guys. Let's put this away."
"That was fucking awesome!" Jade spoke for the rest of us.
"Hell yeah!' Beck agreed kissing Jade on the cheek. Robbie and Cat looked upset at not having many victories. We put the cards back into the box and put the cover on and relax.
"What's the time?" Beck asked.
"A quarter past 5." Andre answered. Wait 5? I look to the backyard and I notice it is nearly pitch black outside. It shouldn't be this dark during the summer.
"5? Then why is it so dark outside?" I ask, standing up and walking to the door. I look around and can't see much because of the rubble and cars blocking most of the sky, but you can definitely tell its dark outside. It normally gets dark past 7. "Turn the radio on and see if we can get a signal." I add to no one in particular. Someone gets up and a few seconds later a click and buzzing tells me the radio is on. The signal starts to waver as the knobs are turned to tune the radio. Please, let there be a signal somewhere.
"I got something!" Robbie shouted. Ah, he was working on the radio. We all rushed to his side at the piano bench and he turned the volume up.
"The storm is over and the flood has died down." A man's voice came from the radio. "Search and Rescue units and the National Guard have been dispatched to help those in need." The voice continued. We all cheered that the storm was over and help was on the way. We'll have to find a way to get their attention. It'll take them awhile to get here and to remove all the car and rubble.
That's when we heard the boom of the thunder and the roaring of the wind.
Chapter 10. Fuck, I love CAH. All the categories and answers come straight from the game, so credit to Cards Against Humanity. I wanted to update this one quickly to compensate my epic failure to update when I said I would. Semester is coming to an end early next month and I'll be able to update more. Just so you know, this story may not be more than 20 chapters. It all depends on where I want to take it. R+R plz.