It really annoys me that I can't get these chapter to you sooner, but I have so many deadlines at the moment and exams next week. After that, I'll be updating more regularly! In any case, I hope you guys keep enjoying the story as much as I like writing it =] Remember to review!
Disclaimer: I do not own OUAT
Chapter 13: Coming Clean
Emma Swan had never felt like she needed anyone to depend on. She'd been making a life for herself since she could remember; taking on her own responsibilities and never using anyone's shoulder to cry on. The only two people in the world she had ever let in had been Neal and Anna.
That was before she arrived in Storybrooke.
Now, she had a whole network of people around her that she could lean on. Her parents, Snow White and Prince Charming, her amazing son, Henry, her friend, Anna, and her other friends in Storybrooke, Belle, Ruby, Granny, the Dwarves and many others. Emma had thought that now, more than ever, she wouldn't be in need of a man. She had all these amazing people around her, amazing people who could provide fantastic distraction. And yet, shec ouldn't help her thoughts from flying back to a certain handsome pirate with incredible blue eyes as deep as the ocean.
It was an odd feeling. It almost felt like there was this enormous weight on her shoulder, just because she wouldn't admit to anyone that she had feelings for Hook. Even finally admitting to herself that she had feelings for Hook had taken all of her will-power. And pushing aside an enormous amount of her own pride.
Anna had been right, of course. Emma needed to make it clear to both men that she knew what she wanted. And what she wanted, was Hook.
With the inhalation of a deep breath, she finally decided that she was going to confront both Neal and Hook – no, Killian – today. If she was going to confess her feelings to him, she might as well start using his first name on a daily basis. Heading out the front door of the loft to find them both, her head started spinning with all the possible scenarios. What if Neal got mad at her, and turned away from Henry? What if the two of them started fighting on the street? What if, in a moment of happiness – Emma had to swallow hard here – Killian kissed her? Her stomach fluttered at that last thought, and with a new determination, she walked out onto the street.
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It wasn't hard finding either of them. She had found Neal in the diner, enjoying his afternoon coffee, and had asked him to come for a walk with her. She hadn't been able to spot Hook anywhere, and she really wanted to talk to them both. At the same time. A little like ripping the band-aid off in one go. So she asked Grumpy, who had eyes and ears on everyone when Emma was free of her sherriff duties, and took Neal on a walk to the marina. The Jolly Roger's mast was so tall, she could see it from a long distance. As they drew closer to the ship she could feel herself getting more and more nervous. Apparently, Neal could sense it too.
"You okay, Emma? You seem a little tense."
"Yeah, yeah, don't worry about me. I'm fine." She answered absent-mindedly as she glanced in the general direction of the ship every five seconds. All she needed was a clear sign that Hook - Killian was there. If she didn't get one soon, she was almost sure that she'd chicken out. She may have been extremely nervous, but she didn't want to lose face.
"Listen, Emma, I'm actually really glad you asked me to come on this walk with you. There's something I want to talk to you about –"
Emma finally turned her attention towards Neal. "Okay, yeah, sure, we'll get to that. But I really need to talk to you first."
"Uhm – okay. Emma, where are you taking me?"
As the full shape of the ship came into view on the marina, she hadn't even noticed that she'd started fast-walking towards it. Neal was having trouble keeping up with her, and before she could answer his question, she had already climbed aboard the ship. Neal looked up at her quizzically, but Emma never noticed. She was too busy looking around the ship for Killian.
"Hook! Hook? Killian!" Emma yelled, trying to get his attention.
Understanding fell across Neal's face as he heard the slight desperation in her voice. As Hook finally came up from below deck, Neal could see the relief in Emma's eyes. He sighed in defeat, already knowing where this conversation was going.
"Swan, love, the desperation in your voice the first time you called my name was enough to get me on the deck. What brings you here?" Hook said. After looking at Emma a bit longer than was necessary, he finally noticed Neal standing by the stairs.
"Baelfire." Hook nodded.
"Hook."
Hook looked from Emma, to Neal, and back again. "I'd offer you something to drink, but all I've got is rum, I'm afraid. Unless that's actually what you're here for." He sent a suggestive wink Emma's way, and as Emma reacted by swallowing hard, Neal reacted by coughing loudly to try and kill the sheer awkwardness of the moment. Even Hook seemed startled at Neal's cough, momentarily pulling his attention away from Emma and shaking his head.
"So, to what do I owe this pleasure?" At the same time, both Hook and Neal turned to face Emma. She knew that this was the moment. She needed to take the opportunity now, or she never would. She took a deep breath to brace herself, and began the speech she had been practicing in her head since she had made the decision to come clean.
"Okay, so I brought you both here, okay well I didn't bring you both here, but I needed to talk to you at the same time so here we are." She realized she was talking much quicker than she normally would, and she tried to pace herself. She was very aware of both sets of eyes on her.
"Now I know that there has been a weird situation going on between us since Neverland. And I'm sorry, because I know that's mostly my fault. But here's the way I feel about this now. Okay. Here it is."
She was stalling for time, trying to remember what she was going to say. She could still feel two gazes on her: Killian's heated gaze that made her tingle, and Neal's saddened gaze that made her feel guilty. She tried to push on through as best she could.
"Neal, when – when you fell through that portal, it was horrible. I felt so… empty. I had finally gotten you back in my life and then you were gone again. And I knew that we had issues to work through, but in the back of my mind I always thought we could get over them. And I guess we did, in a way. But it took longer than I expected. Mostly because I thought I'd never get the chance to tell you that I forgave you. I missed you, Neal. When I found Henry, all I wanted to do was protect him from what you'd done to me. But when I finally saw how the two of you got along, it was like something clicked. Henry had two mothers, but he needed a father as well. As long as you were going to be good for him, I was going to be okay with having you around."
"Emma, I –" Neal began, but Emma cut him off. She could see Hook's smile fade from his face, and it made her heart ache.
"No, Neal, please. Let me finish. I need to get this out,' She took another deep breath. 'So when you went through the portal, it was horrible. First because I knew I was going to miss you, as a friend or as more, at that point I wasn't even sure. But mostly because I was going to miss what a great father you would have been to Henry. It would have been nice to be able to raise him together. Whatever relationship we would have had."
"Emma, are you sure you want me to hear all of this?" Killian said, breaking up her monologue.
"Yes. You need to hear this, as much as he does."
"If you insist." But his hesitation was evident as he took a small step further away from her. She turned back to Neal.
"When we found you again in Neverland, I thought my heart would explode. I was so relieved that you were okay. I was so relieved that I didn't have to sift through all the emotions I had had since I thought you'd – you'd died. But at the same time, I felt guilty, because of – well – you know, what happened between me and Killian."
At the sound of his name, Killian smiled softly to himself. Neal noticed the use of Hook's first name as well, and understood the meaning behind it.
"I felt guilty because I didn't want to admit what that kiss had meant to me. At the time, I thought it was just a one time thing, a thank you for saving my dad without there being anything in it for him. But it was – it was so much more than that. And I can't deny that anymore."
She looked at Hook then, and was happy to see his head snap up in surprise. Secretely, she was pleased at his shocked reaction.
"Neal, I loved you, so much. I probably always will love you. And that doesn't have to be in the way it used to be. I'll love you now as a friend, a person I can rely on, and a person I can raise Henry with. A person I can trust. But it's not going to go back to the way it was. And I'm sorry if that hurts you. That's the last thing I want. But I thought you deserved the truth."
Neal sat down on the deck of the ship, understanding what she was saying to him yet being sad and dissapointed to hear it. If he was honest with himself, he didn't really want to hear the rest of what she had to say.
"As for you,' she turned towards Killian, 'you've heard part of it now. I knew that you wanted a relationship with me that was more than friendship. I knew how much I meant to you. When you told me you felt in the echo caves I was surprised, and there was another emotion I couldn't quite place at that time. But I realized recentely, after all the times we bumped into each other, that whatever I was feeling when you told us your secret was happiness. I was happy that you felt that way about me. It felt nice to hear someone say they cared about me that much. The only problem was that at the time my guilt was overshadowing any hapiness I was feeling. So I let it slide and tried to push the feeling down every time I saw you again."
Killian took a few steps towards her, and she met his paces with one of her own.
"Every time you smiled at me, winked at me, or called me love, the feeling only got worse. Finally, I realized I wanted you the same way you wanted me. Yesterday morning, when I ran into you….That was pretty amazing. Whatever it was. But the only thing I could never understand is why you had said that you would back off so that Neal could have a chance. Being here, in Storybrooke, it taught me to fight for whatever it is you believe in. I felt slightly… let down by the fact that you weren't fighting for me."
"Emma, darling, I hate to break it to you, but I think Baelfire here missed out one crucial detail when he told you that I'd said that."
Emma looked at Killian quizzically, and cast a quick glance at Neal before turning her gaze back to Hook.
"Oh yeah? And that would be…"
"He missed out the part where I told him that I was going to back off, because I was in it for the long haul. I told him I would wait for you as long as it took."
Emma's mouth formed a small "O" as she processed what he was telling her. She should have been mad at Neal for not telling her this, but she realized there was no point. She knew why he had done it. She smiled a small smile, and Killian returned it with one of his own. He took one last step towards her then, and laced his own fingers through hers.
"Well, Swan, it took you long enough." he whispered, close enough so that only she could hear.
"Not now. Not in front of Neal."
Hook smirked in Neal's general direction, and Emma shot him a menacing glare. No matter how much she felt for him, she didn't want him to hurt Neal any more than she already knew he was hurt. Killian's smile softened as he turned his gaze back to Emma's, and smiled one last soft smile that was meant only for her.
"Soon though, yes?" He asked, his voice full of hope.
"Soon." She replied, a chuckle evident in her tone of voice.
"As you wish, my love, as you wish." He bent down, kissed the top of her hand, and let it drop to her side. She secretly longed for more contact with him, but knew it wasn't the right time. As she climbed down the stairs of the ship, with a smile that couldn't be wiped off her face, it fell slightly as she noticed Neal miles ahead of her on the dock, dissapearing into the mist that hung over the marina.