I think there is less OOC-ness here. Grief is a really hard emotion to capture in words. Especially when you are writing the thoughts of someone who doesn't do emotions well. Oh, well. I tried my best. Sorry this is late. I had church choir and that practice ran over for an hour. My choir director is a little bit crazy. Cool, but crazy. Oh, also, I figured that the Cas I have been depicting would be a little more verbose when it came to certain *ahem* things than Dean. Don't worry, you'll have the no chick flick version in a couple of mini chapters. :)

Chapter Rating: T (Dean has a potty mouth, especially when angry.)

One might call Castiel's religious principles complicated. From the very moment he was old enough to acknowledge people as attractive, he had been drawn towards men. Of course, being religious, he ignored these feelings to the point of making his life miserable. Like the time that he dated Meg Masters.

Meg seemed to be a nice girl, at first. Castiel was very happy with their relationship, and he had even thought he would one day marry the girl. After six months, the couple hit rough ground. Meg revealed her true colors. Her only goal in her relationship with Castiel was to sleep with him. It came out in an argument between the two. She had been dared to sleep with every man that came to the local rodeo. Castiel had seemed like a challenge, so she put the effort into a relationship. After this terrible confession, she proceeded to stick her tongue down the man's throat. That had been the end of that.

Castiel had been heartbroken, and it was in that moment that he had a spiritual moment with God. One night, he prayed for guidance, for something to show that he would be okay. It was nearly a month later that he got his answer. Michael came into Castiel's room one night and had a meaningful talk with his younger brother that went something like this.

"You know I love you, right?"

"Yes. I love you as well."

"You are my brother and nothing, I repeat, nothing will change that."

"I do not understand you."

"Well, if you ever figure out something that you think will separate you from this family, do not be afraid. It will not. I think I can speak for Gabriel and, I hope, for Mother and Father when I say we love you no matter what."

Castiel had gone to bed soon after. He lay awake contemplating what had been said. And, like all the times the youngest Novak had ever been confused or frightened, he prayed.

"Dear God, my heart is troubled. I do not know how to continue; I have lost my way. I wish that I could just be normal, the way you intended, but I fear I am not. I do not care how many of my prayers go unanswered in the future, but please, just answer this one. What am I to do? Please, I all want is to please you and have peace. Amen."

It was then that a strange calm settled over the young man, and he drifted off to sleep peacefully. It was the next morning when he came out to his brothers, who accepted him with nothing but love. Castiel felt right for the first moment in his life.

Of course, it had been three years since then, and he had yet to have a relationship that had lasted more than a few dates. The man was almost certain he would live his life alone. But then he met Dean. A straight man. Castiel had never believed God could be cruel, but maybe he was.

Castiel pulled into the Winchester Ranch three days after leaving so upset. He hoped Dean would forgive him for being so short. Even though the young Novak wanted anything but to continue the partnership, his conscience would not let him quit. He was determined to go on as professionally as possible. There was no way he was going to let everything fall apart after just a few days.

Castiel walked up the porch steps to the door of the Winchester house and knocked. After a few moments, the door opened and Castiel was looking at a very tired looking John through the screen.

"Sorry I have not been here, Mr. Winchester, I have been otherwise occupied."

"I don't think we'll be having training for awhile. Dean's been... away for a bit."

"What?"

"I really can't say," the older man's voice was worn, truly showing his age. The tone frightened Castiel.

"Has something happened?"

"I don't know. I'll have Dean call you when he comes 'round."

"Please, if there is anything I can do..."

"I doubt it."

"Please, sir."

"... Fine. Dean's out back, follow the path. You'll see him eventually. You can take up watch, that way Billy can come in and sleep for awhile."

"Okay."

Castiel went to the back of the house and began to walk along the trail, full of apprehension. What could possibly be wrong? Worry churned his stomach. If something was the matter with Dean... Castiel could not even think about it without being nauseous.

The path was nearly overgrown, but Castiel navigated it quickly, coming to an open meadow area. The ground was covered in short grass, the level plane only interrupted by three figures: Bobby sitting in a lawn chair, Dean sitting with his knees to his chest like a child, and a wooden cross.

The young man entered the still calm of the meadow slowly. Billy instantly looked up at him and cocked an eyebrow. The old man smiled a paper crinkle smile and got up, passing Castiel with a silent pat on the back as he exited towards the ranch house. Dean did not acknowledge the other man's presence.

Castiel let himself forgo the lawn chair to sit next to Dean, facing the cross, about an arm's reach away. The younger man folded his knees to his chest in the same fashion as Dean and sat in silent contemplation of the monument before him, already guessing what it was.

After a while, Castiel spoke, "I know I don't really remember my mom, but I'd like to think what few things I have are the most important. Her on horseback, me riding with her buddy-saddle, my dad holding her and laughing. I never was that close to Father. I was all for mom. When she died, Father got rid of all her things. After he died, Michael got rid of everything that belonged to him. I managed to save my mom's bridle and Dad's spurs, but that's it. I used to think it was the worst thing not to have anything to really remember them by. Just a few dusty pieces of tack. No pictures or anything. But now, I almost think it is better. I don't have the constant reminders around that they are gone. I can almost forget, sometimes. Never all the way, I could never do that, but enough to live my life happily."

"I envy you," Dean's voice came out nearly a whisper, dried out and worn, "I envy Sammy, too. He was young enough when mom died that he can be like you. But me? Everything around me is full of her. The house, the horses, this field-" the voice faded away.

"I understand your feelings. What is this place?"

"This is where our old stables used to be. Where Mom... That's the cross Dad made for her. We took her ashes and spread them here. It was what she would have wanted. I feel like here is the only place I can be near her."

"She is always with you, Dean."

"Like God or something!" Dean yelled this, turning to Castiel and screaming in his face. "Like your fucking God and his fucking love! If He's so great why'd he leave me! Why did he take my mom and leave me! Why did he even take her! Why, can you tell me Cas, why? Because he gives absolutely no shit about what goes on. Oh, I know He's real, and He is a real son of a bitch! I don't understand why! She was my mom! Is my mom! I want her back! But-" his voice broke then, empty of any further words. Dean collapsed forward, tears streaking his face. Castiel barely managed to catch Dean in his arms before the rider face planted from his knees.

"Dean..." Castiel murmured softly, trying to be comforting. "I do not have answers. I can only tell you this. Some things are not the work of God at all. Sometimes evil runs wild, and God sees that his children will rise from the challenge greater than before. Mary Winchester sounds like the most righteous and good woman I can think of, and that is probably why she was taken off this earth. Evil wants the Winchester's off the path, and let's face it, evil is winning. I know that your mother is with you, looking down from on high, and crying for every pain you feel, raging for every anger, and smiling for every happiness. You are not alone, or forsaken, or cursed. You are loved, loved enough that not even death can keep you apart. God knows that."

Dean sat up and looked at Castiel, a peculiar expression on his face. He cursed and turned away.

"What? Dean, please say something..." the Novak was extremely confused, but mostly heartbroken for his friend who was experiencing so much pain.

"It's nothing. You just made everything sound like it would be okay. Things are never okay for me, Cas. Never have, never will."

"I do not believe that."

"And that's the problem."

Dean turned back to the cross, looking emotionally wrung out. Castiel tried to decipher the words, but he could not figure out any hidden message. Castiel had never been particularly good with emotions, and awkwardness began to set in for him. He was about to resign himself to silence when he thought to ask the question nagging at the back of his mind.

"Dean, why are you here? What made you... you know. Come here. Is there anything I can do about it?"

"Of course you wouldn't leave it alone," Dean scoffed.

"Dean, you don't have to answer..."

"No, no, guess I should. The rest of my life is going to Hell. Might as well put icing on the cake."

"Dean...?"

"It had to be you. You! Perfect God-fearing Castiel Novak. Of all people..."

"Did I do something that-"

"OH MY GOD CAS NO! The problem is me!" Dean was yelling again. "The problem is that I think I'm gay, and I think I like you! That's the motherfucking problem! So go on! Lay into me! Tell me how disgusted you are, how wrong it is, quote Leviticus whatever and spit on me! I don't care! You are just so... I drives me crazy! The last time I felt this way after so short a time knowing someone was my last serious girlfriend, and I had considered MARRYING her before she broke it off. I can't help it! I can't..." his voice faded out again, his eyes growing distant. Castiel was just recovering from the shock. Dean turned away again and curled up, keeping his eyes pointedly away from the other man.

Dean liked him. Really liked him. Dean really like him. Dean. Dean. Untouchable Dean. Suddenly within reach. And he thought that Castiel was the one who was straight. The Novak would have laughed if not for the tense atmosphere and seriousness. Dean liked him. Dean. Dean. Dean. Dean...

"Dean!"

"What!"

Castiel grabbed Dean's face and pulled it towards him, looking the older man right in the eye. They were so close that they were breathing the same air. Castiel could see the pain, loss, and emptiness inside Dean's eyes, all qualities that he hoped to help erase. With a soaring sensation filling his heart, Castiel said,

"I like you, too, Dean."

The emotions in the other's eyes instantly changed. They grew wide, hopeful, maybe even happy. The others were still there, but shadowed, if only a little. Castiel, for the first time in his life, took the initiative and leaned in, filling the minute gap between the men.

The kiss was chaste but electrifying. Castiel felt sparks dance up his spine, purging the tense muscles of their tightness. He melted into Dean. His skin felt like he had just stepped into cold air after a hot shower, goose bumps rising everywhere. His hands found the back of Dean's head and tangled in his short blonde hair. When Castiel felt the sensation of Dean kissing back, it was like a Baptism. Like he had been plunged into warm water empty and brought back up full. It felt like everything and nothing and fire and ice and love. It was the most impossible thing and the most real thing Castiel had ever experienced. It was a kiss that could only be described as true love's kiss in terms of its power and magnitude. Even Castiel thought he sounded overly romantic as he described it in his head, but it was the only way to even slightly capture what he felt in those brief seconds.

When the two pulled away, they were both smiling. Full on beaming like idiots. Dean's smile faded first, replaced by fatigue. It had been an exhausting few days. Castiel felt tired too, if only from the emotional roller coaster. Before either man had truly had the time to think about the implications of what had just occurred, they fell asleep in the comfort of each other's arms.