So my lovely and amazing beta Ztofan informs me that it has been over a month since this story has been updated...I am so, so sorry guys. After the break up and everything, I hope this chapter and the next give you some escape :)
Alone: Chapter 9
From: JPEPPERWOOD
To: HelloGiggles
Hey Jess! Long time, no speak. How is everything going? Thought I'd drop you an email to say-
Nick sighed deeply, pushing his chair away from his desk, before he placed his finger firmly on the delete button until there was nothing but a blank page once more. This was his fourth attempt of the day composing an email to Jess, and he'd be lying if he said he hadn't tried before in the weeks since their last encounter.
He missed her. Missed the way her body felt in his hands, missed the sweet sighs and kisses that used to caress his ears and neck when they were wrapped up in bed together. He missed her smile, her laugh. Her kindness. Her goofy nature. Her hugs. Her advice.
He was in love with her, that much was obvious now. Infatuation had long given way to something that ran far, far deeper. Nick wanted Jess, more than anything in the world. He wanted to hold and have her. He wanted to be hers.
But she didn't want that. He had been on his way out of the bar when her text had come through, encouraging him to pursue a relationship with Caroline. It had seemed so normal and cheerful, just like her. He knew then that she didn't really want him the way he so desperately wanted her. Nick had thought that maybe, that last time they shared might have illustrated to her how invested he was in the idea of them. He had poured all of himself into every kiss, every graze of his fingertips across her skin. Even if she had seen it all and realized, she obviously didn't feel the same.
So here he was, staring at his laptop screen and trying not to think about what his life was going to be like without her in it.
His phone buzzed, and he glanced tiredly at it, knowing immediately who it was. Nick had stopped jumping every time he received a text, snatching the phone up in his hand and hoping desperately for it to be Jess. I changed my mind. I want you. I love you, Nick. It was never her.
Hey Nick, I wanted to let you know how excited I am for tomorrow night. So, the most important question. Popcorn: buttered or sweet? X
Despite his bad mood, he couldn't help but smile a little at Caroline's text. She was trying really hard, and he appreciated it. He felt that he had earned it from her. All those phone calls, the begging for her to let them try again, he was done with that now. If he was honest with himself, his heart wasn't in it any more. Nick brushed this off, choosing instead to assume that Caroline had to win his heart over this time – and it wasn't going to be easy.
He tapped out a reply. I'm looking forward to it too. I like both, you choose. X
He sunk back against his pillows, relishing in their softness. He had done laundry, and his room smelled nice, how an adult man's room should smell. Jess didn't want him. He needed to settle down with someone else. The word settle continued to rattle around in his head as he attempted to write more of his novel. If one good thing had come out of his time with Jess, it was Knight. At least he had her.
"I've never seen anything like this before."
Julius chewed nervously on his lip as he paced back and forth, observing the scene in front of him closely. The doctor was stooped over Jessica while he took some of her blood. She lay numbly on the bed, staring at the ceiling. "Did you feel any pain Miss Knight? When I took that blood?"
"I don't know," she replied, her voice flat. Julius stepped closer to her.
"This is important Knight," he snapped, making her look at him. "Something has happened to you that doesn't happen to the others. You were out longer before you turned, you look better, your memory is different. I'm trying to find out what's wrong with you."
"What's wrong with me?" she shot back at him, and he knew then that his words had been insensitive. He was about to be seriously berated by his dead assistant. Although she didn't remember him, she sure still knew how to scold him like a mother. "There's nothing wrong with me, Pepperwood."
"Okay, fine," he said through gritted teeth. "Just answer the Goddamn question properly."
She screwed her face up in annoyance, the anger still very evident in her washed out eyes. "Other than the huge pain in my ass standing next to me…yes, I felt a small prick, I guess."
The doctor glanced at Julius. "I think you need to see this." He approached him, the vial of blood clutched in his fist. "This is Jessica's blood, the sample I've just taken." He opened his hand, and Julius' eyes widened. It was red.
"The cells," he breathed, taking the sample from the doctor's hand. "They contain hemoglobin. There is still oxygen in her blood."
The doctor nodded, fixing him with a stunned expression. "Her body is fighting the infection. She's coming back to life."
They turned in unison to stare as Jessica sat up, scowling at them. "What are you murmuring about? This is about me, you need to keep me in the loop!"
When both men said nothing she threw up her hands in exasperation, swinging her legs off the bed and planting her feet firmly on the floor. "Well, if no one is going to tell me anything, I better get back to work."
She marched out of the room and into the hallway, heading through the apartment complex and back to Julius' office, the man himself hot on her heels. "Jessica, wait. Wait!" He managed to grab her arm just as she reached his desk, and swung her around with enough force to make her eyes widen the way they used to when he did something that shocked or upset her. "Something is happening to you. You're healing."
She looked up at him. "What do you mean?"
Julius ran a hand through his hair for the millionth time that day. This woman would be the death of him. "I don't know what that means yet, but for some reason your body can fight the infection. It has the tools. The doctor just needs to find out what it is you have that seems to give you immunity."
Jessica averted her eyes, and Julius could see the cogs turning in her head. "But if I'm immune…then that means…"
Julius took both her arms in his grasp, lowering his head to look at her. "You came to me because you wanted to find a cure, Knight." He started to smile, the reality of the situation sinking in. "I think we've found it. I think…it's you."
Cece's staring was starting to bug Jess. It was hard enough packing all of her things and saying goodbye to her class without her best friend guilt-tripping her into thinking her decision to leave was the wrong one. "Ceec, please stop," she sighed as she neatly folded another dress and placed it into her suitcase. "I was gonna have to move out at some point. This was only ever supposed to be temporary, remember?"
"Yeah, but I think it was always agreed that you would move to somewhere else in LA," she replied, folding her arms and leaning against the doorframe. "Not thousands of miles away."
"Look, I've made my decision," Jess stated, pushing down on her pile of clothes a little harder than was necessary. "I secured the transfer, so I have a job to go to. I just need some time to myself, to figure things out. He really messed me up."
She breathed deeply for a second, willing herself not to get upset again. She had done far too much of that, and now it was time to move on, with the help of her parents and a change of scenery. When she was back to her old self, she would allow herself to worry about her love life, or rather, alarming lack of. Until then she would merely throw herself into work and hobbies, such as crocheting and tai chi, which she had taken up after her crushing discovery and had found it to be extremely useful in channeling her rage.
"You don't have to go," Cece said quietly as she stepped further into the room, picking up a skirt and folding it neatly. "You don't have to see him."
Jess refused to look up from her packing. "But there's always a chance that I might. I could bump into him and his girlfriend on the street, and that would just…" she paused. "Hurt too much."
Cece handed her the skirt, nodding. "Well, it's becoming pretty obvious I'm not gonna be able to change your mind." She left the room, calling over her shoulder from the hallway. "What time is your flight tomorrow?"
"2pm," Jess replied, finally packing her last item of clothing. Drawing back and placing her hands on her hips, she smiled, satisfied.
It had been a couple of weeks since she had last spoken to Nick, but Jess had wasted no time in making plans to leave as fast as possible. She had cried and eaten ice cream, sure. Dirty Dancing had graced her TV screen more than once. But a part of Jess had been holding back, a part of her that wanted to go home and fall apart on her Mom's shoulder, where it was safe and far away.
She had no idea whether Nick had actually gone ahead with this girl, but had decided that thinking about it wasn't going to help her situation. His potential girlfriend had nothing to do with why she was packing right now. It was because Nick had lied to her, in the worst way possible.
Her problem was, she still couldn't stop thinking about him. Every time thoughts of his deceit crept into her brain, they gave way to images of them lying together, giggling like children and talking about their matching theories on horses and the fact that they were so obviously from outer space. It was getting harder and harder to stay mad at him. Yesterday she had actually caught herself smiling at the memory of their engagement party encounter. She needed a slap in the face.
That's why she was leaving. It was too dangerous to stay in this place, where she could cross paths with him and fall for him all over again. His complete silence since the day she had sent him that text was enough to tell her he wasn't that bothered. He might have had feelings for her on some level, but they must have been overshadowed by the new woman in his life. That was fine with Jess. She was the one who broke it off anyway, right?
"Ow!" she cried, lifting the pad of her thumb to her mouth after she caught it on the zipper of her suitcase. Tears pricked her eyes. This was awful, being so completely torn between wanting to throw herself into Nick's arms and wanting to be on the opposite side of the world from him for the rest of her life. She felt as if her body was being pulled in two different directions – the one that felt sensible, and the one that felt right.
She huffed to herself, turning and sitting on the now closed case, sucking on her thumb like a brooding child. She needed to get it together. She was leaving, and that was the end of it.
Although Nick's arm found the same place behind Caroline's head as it always had, and they both took part in the heated argument over which film they should watch as though nothing bad had ever happened between them, it still didn't feel the same. Nick felt distracted, unable to pay attention to the film or the woman curled up next to him. He was trying, but something was gnawing away at the back of his brain and he knew what it was.
He didn't love Caroline. He had been in love with her once upon a time, but that phase of his life had long passed, and no matter how hard he forced himself to take part in her charade, it just wasn't working. Even if he thought he could love her again eventually, it was never going to happen when his fervent love for Jess was still so ingrained into his system. He wanted to tell Caroline, but the warmth radiating from her pressed into his side was comforting, and he wanted to have the comfort of a woman beside him for a little while longer.
"Oh, I like this part," Caroline mused to herself as she chewed on a piece of popcorn. "This is the bit where Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake decide to be friends with benefits."
Nick momentarily focused his attention on the TV screen. "But they end up falling for each other at the end."
"Yeah, have you seen it?" she asked, looking up at him with a small smile.
He shook his head, fighting the frown that was battling its way on to his face. "No, but everyone knows there's no such thing as friends with benefits."
It was Caroline's turn to frown. "What do you mean?" she sat up a little, gazing at him, and Nick sensed an argument coming. Funnily enough, he wanted it. He missed arguing over stupid things.
"I mean people can't just have sex and be friends," he replied. "Feelings always get in the way. Usually one person falls for the other one and then it gets really awkward and ends badly." He could feel himself going off on a tangent, but couldn't help himself. "Sex and friendship is basically a relationship anyway, so it's never not going to get complicated."
Caroline was giving him a funny look. "Are you okay?"
"'M'fine," he replied gruffly. "I just think it's a stupid film."
He felt a little guilty for snapping at her then, especially when he knew she liked the movie. He knew he was being an asshole.
But Caroline didn't seem that upset when he glanced at her again. She had gone back to eating popcorn, and smiled at him when she caught him looking. "What?"
He cleared his throat. "Aren't you gonna disagree with me?"
She shrugged, swallowing her food. "No, I agree with you. Friends with benefits isn't a thing that works, it's stupid. As for your opinion on the film, well…" she smirked. "I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree."
Nick's stomach clenched in annoyance, and he realized then that he had been trying to get a rise out of her, to make her fight. If it was Jess, she would have fought her corner, eyes blazing, determined to convince him that dammit it is a damn good movie and you are just plain wrong, Nick.
But Caroline wasn't Jess, and no matter how much Nick tried to convince himself that she was just as good, beautiful, kind, and passionate-she wasn't. Caroline simply paled in comparison.
He removed his arm from around her shoulders abruptly enough to get her attention. "Nick, you're being really weird all of a sudden."
"I know, I'm sorry." He wiped a hand over his face, becoming conscious of the fact that he hadn't shaved in a while and was nearly sporting the hobo beard he usually reserved for breakups. "I don't know how – I just, I can't…"
He heard her sigh, and it stopped him. "You can't what? You can't do this?"
Shocked, he stared at her. "Yeah. How did you know?"
She shuffled around to face him, a sad expression on her face. "I'd be lying if I said I didn't see this coming, and I've thought about what I wanted to say to you if this ever happened."
Had he really been that obvious about his disinterest in her? Nick suddenly felt tired at their whole stupid situation. Caroline was an intelligent woman, of course she would have picked up on the obvious lack of spark between them. "We had a rough ride Nick, I know that. You probably think I didn't know, but I really did. It was hard. But that doesn't mean we didn't get to know each other when it was good." When Nick continued to stare, she continued. "I know you, okay? You're an open book to me. Your heart isn't in this, and I think it's because it's invested in someone else."
Nick blinked, shocked. He considered denying it, trying to make her feel better, but the way she was so casually addressing the situation made him feel like she just wanted the truth. She was being honest with him, and he should do the same. "Yeah. I mean, I'm not…we're not…she doesn't want me, but I still have…feelings. Ones that don't just go away." He paused. "I'm sorry."
Caroline nodded, casting her eyes to the floor. Then suddenly she was crying, and Nick had no idea what to do. He didn't know where the tears had come from. She had seemed fine two seconds ago. "Caroline…"
She waved him off, shooting him a watery smile. "No it's fine, this is fine. I know you think I'm a bitch and everything for what I did to you, but I still want you to be happy. You deserve happiness Nick, more than anyone. You're the only really good man I know. Sometimes I think…" she dabbed at her eyes with her sleeve, looking pretty embarrassed.
Then she tried again, taking a deep, shaky breath. "I think, what would it have been like if I had realized what a good man Nick Miller was all those years ago when he loved me? Maybe my life would have been different." She laughed a little, the sound coming out slightly choked. "I really messed up with you. I didn't think you'd be my one, but you really would have made me happy if I hadn't treated you so badly. If we'd worked out." She sighed again, soaking up the last of her tears, before looking up at him, her expression more open and honest than Nick had ever seen. "You're the one that got away."
She got to her feet and picked up her purse, Nick watching her with a dumbfounded expression on his face. He hadn't expected that. All those years he had thought of Caroline as a cruel, cold-hearted person with no one's interests in mind but hers. Maybe that was true for the most part, but she was still human, and she obviously still cared about him. As he watched her leave with a quiet goodbye, he felt sadness envelop him. It was for the best that Caroline had left, but he wished he didn't feel quite so lonely once again.
He woke up the next day with a splitting headache and a Sahara-level of dry mouth after consuming most of a bottle of Jack Daniels and watching Friends with Benefits until the end, occasionally welling up and then wiping a hand over his face, immediately alarmed at his current fragility. It was nearly midday, and he had work tonight. He couldn't stomach it, but knew he had to go, for the sake of his sanity. His life needed that normality.
Winston was in the kitchen making pancakes and singing Broadway tunes when Nick shuffled in, rubbing his forehead. "Hey Nick. How'd last night go?"
"Badly," he mumbled, sliding into a seat at the island. "Got any of those to spare?"
Winston turned and faced him with a concerned frown. "Sure," sliding a plate in front of him, he continued to fix Nick with a hard stare. Sometimes Nick felt as though he lived with a bunch of women – always needing to know the gossip, the drama of 4D always at the forefront of their minds.
"There isn't much to say, before you ask," Nick said, shovelling a forkful of blueberry goodness into his mouth. He carried on talking, the words muffled by pancake. "She figured it out. I'm in love with someone else and I can't do it with her. She left." Surprisingly, Nick felt nothing as he explained what had happened. He really didn't care about Caroline at all, and wondered what had made him try again in the first place.
"Oh," Winston said, going back to flipping. He threw a pancake up in the air and caught it in the pan, looking very pleased with himself. "Jess?"
"Yeah."
"You know I don't think I ever told you this, but she came to see you."
Nick stopped chewing. "What? When?"
"Just before you guys stopped seeing each other. She came around looking for you."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Nick felt a bubble of confusion and panic start to form in his belly. Why had she come round to see him, and not told him?
Winston shrugged, his back turned to him. "I dunno, she said she would just see you later. She told me not to bother telling you. I guess she didn't tell you either, huh?"
Nick furrowed his brow. "No, she didn't. She just sent me a text pretty much ending things." He felt like there must have been something else going on. "Winston, is that all she said? What else happened?"
"Nothing really. I mean, nothing out of the ordinary. She came in to wait for you, we chatted for a bit, then she went in your room and pretty much came straight back out and said she was leaving. Actually, that part sounds a bit odd."
Nick nodded slowly, taking another bite of his food. "Yeah. Weird."
"Oh, and I told her she could read some of your writing, it was all over your bed."
Nick inhaled sharply, pieces of pancake shooting down his throat. He started coughing violently, reaching for the glass of water Winston produced and gulping it down greedily. His eyes were streaming when he finally managed to calm down. "Winston," he choked out. "She read my novel?!"
"Yeah," Winston replied, giving him a funny look. "Dude, you need to stop being so hard on yourself, it's really good. You should let people read it."
"No!" Nick shouted, standing up so fast that his chair shot out behind him and clattered to the floor. "You don't understand. She's in that story. I wrote… oh God!"
He started to pace back and forth, running a hand through his hair as the pieces finally slotted together in his head, overwhelming him. That's why she had left. She had figured it out, JPEPPERWOOD, the erotic story, everything. She had ended things because of all that, and that meant that, long shot or not, maybe she had been in love with him too. And he had ruined all of it. He had totally and completely fucked it all up.
He needed to go. He needed to see Jess, right now. "Winston, I have to go do something. I'll be back later, but…this is important. I have to go."
"Sure man," he heard Winston reply, content to continue making pancakes. God, he was so oblivious to the complete shit heap that Nick had managed to make of his situation.
He didn't even change out of his sweats, simply grabbing his keys and heading towards the door. Even if Jess didn't feel the same after all, Nick needed to try one last time, to apologize to her, to tell her he loved her. He just hoped more than anything that he wasn't too late.