Hey! Thank you so much for everything! Thanks to all the guest reviewers, your messages (even those in French!) made my day! Please note that the rating has been updated to M. This part begins right after the end of last chapter. Oh, and bear in mind that this was written WAY before the finale.
Of Love and Abandonment Issues
II.
By the time Felicity parks in her spot at Verdant, Aaron has texted her a long apology. But Felicity doesn't read it, just deletes the whole thing without thinking and walks back into the foundry.
It's like a gust of oxygen. It's like she's stopped breathing for three days and she's finally coming up for air. At the top of the stairs, she feels dizzy with relief and happiness and that warm sensation of being home. She can hear Oliver train Roy and banter with him.
"No there's no breeze," Oliver's telling him mockingly. "We're not even outside!"
"You keep breathing down my neck! How do you want me to focus?" Roy grunts.
"Are you implying that I'm distracting you?"
"The same way a dragon would, yeah. Man you need to get over yourself."
"What, so I'm a dragon now?"
"Will you quit it already? Do you want me to reach the target or not?"
"You're going to be distracted by far worse things that my dragon-breath on the field, you are aware of this, right?"
Felicity chuckles as she walks down the stairs and looks at Digg who's sitting in her chair to study them with amusement.
"Is it always like that when I'm not here?" Felicity whispers to him when he notices her.
The smile that illuminates Diggle's face takes her breath away. He stands up immediately and hugs her fiercely.
"It's so good to see you," he tells her.
She hugs him back in happiness. As she goes to step away, Diggle brings her back against his chest, hugging her even more tightly.
"Don't ever leave us alone with him again."
"It couldn't have been that bad!" she mumbles, pressed against his shirt.
"You have no idea. You leaving for Central City to visit Barry was a walk in the park, compared to this."
"Come on, John. It wasn't even three full days."
"Exactly."
"Hey, you're home!" Oliver says behind her.
She turns around and blushes when she meets his gaze. He's already wearing his Green Arrow gear, and Roy is in his Arsenal outfit. They're waiting for her. That brings a smile to her face.
"Hey," she answers.
"Oh so he can smile!" Roy taunts.
Oliver frowns and hits the back of Roy's head.
"Shut up and get the coms, we're leaving in five."
Roy rubs the back of his head like it actually hurt — even though everyone fully knows that it didn't — and grins in Felicity's direction as she turns to Diggle.
"You better not have messed my chair up, John Diggle or there will be retaliation in the form of frozen bank accounts."
"Check for yourself!" Diggle tells her, pointing at her computers, and walks to join Roy who's gathering the coms.
She takes a step in the direction of her chair but Oliver's hand catches hers and tugs her against him.
"Hum, what do you think you're doing?" he mumbles before his lips catch her mouth.
Felicity's muscles relax instantly and she finds herself literally melting against Oliver as her hands slide along his torso. It's ridiculous. She's a grown woman. How can a kiss make her feel like a giant jello-cake?
"I'm glad you're home," Oliver says against her lips.
"I'm glad I'm home too."
Understatement of the fucking century. But she's not going to tell him that — it's too soon. Oliver tucks her hair behind her ear, his thumb caressing her cheek tenderly. Her heart skips a few beats when he looks at her like that.
"How did the funeral go? Did the cheerlea-bitches mess with you?"
Felicity takes a step out of his embrace and shrugs her coat off, avoiding his eyes.
"Can we talk about it later?"
Oliver frowns.
"If you want. You sure you're okay?"
She offers a tight smile.
"Yes. I'm right where I belong. Don't worry."
Oliver lets the issue go for the time being but she knows that it won't last. When they come back from their patrol, Roy and Diggle don't linger, simply letting her know that they're glad she's back, while Oliver kisses the top of her head.
"Do you want to stay here or should we go to your place?" he asks discreetly.
Diggle sniggers anyway.
"Here is perfect," she smiles.
She's craved the foundry for so long in Milford, she doesn't really care that Oliver basically sleeps on a cot and that it's often chilly. It's surrounded by computers and it smells like Oliver and she can't really imagine being anywhere else right now.
Diggle and Roy disappear quickly while Oliver takes a shower, and Felicity suddenly feels nervous. Like it's a first date or something, which is ridiculous because she's known Oliver for four years and been dating him for two months and they've had sex so many times she's lost count.
When he comes out of the bathroom, all wet hair and barefoot, Felicity's memories of Aaron and Milford fade away in the background of her mind. She bites her lips in anticipation, and sees Oliver's eyes darken in return.
She understands at his slow pace and hungry stare that they're not going to be doing a lot of talking for the next hour. And she's beyond glad. He takes her in his arms and kisses her immediately, propping her against him so she sits on her desk.
"Hey now, don't hurt my babies!" she chastises, her hand caressing her computer screens protectively.
"I missed you," is all Oliver says.
"Diggle implied that you'd been a pain?"
She feels Oliver's chest rumble more than she hears him.
"Don't talk about Digg while we're in the process of having sex, please."
His hands don't still though, skimming up her thighs and spreading them so he can step in between comfortably. She loses her hand in his hair, holding it tightly as her lips seek his demandingly.
He responds enthusiastically to her embrace, meeting her kiss for kiss each time more passionately than the one before. Her legs wrap around his hips and Oliver shakes her heels away in one quick movement that makes her laugh.
"Ha, that's better," he murmurs at the sound, his hands fisting the hem of her dress. His face wears a disgruntled frown that surprises Felicity.
She fingers the wrinkles on his forehead, tilting her head in question.
"I don't like you wearing black," he shrugs as he takes her black dress off of her. "It's not you."
"Oh, really? What am I then?"
His eyes rake her body in a greedy way that makes her cheeks go red, his palms roaming across her skin like he doesn't know where to start. It takes Felicity turning his face upward to meet her gaze for him to remember what they were talking about.
"You? You're a kaleidoscope of colors," he smirks. "Scratch that. You're my kaleidoscope of colors."
She can't even gulp, her stomach twisting in elation, her eyes showing all the emotion that overwhelms her at this instant. It's in moments like these that she can't remember how her life was before she met him, before he even considered dating her. She can't even reconcile the fact that he's the man who spent five years on a hellish island, the man that didn't mind killing because everyone that wasn't family was expandable.
Right here, right there, he's Oliver. She'd say her Oliver but the truth is, she's pretty sure he was exactly that way with McKenna and Laurel. As soon as the names enter her mind, Felicity pushes them away and focuses on the butterflies that are having a party in her entire body.
"No more black then."
"To be honest, I like you better when you're wearing nothing, but I might be biased."
She chuckles, and raises one eyebrow as Oliver finally decides that her bra has to get out of the way. He's still fully clothed, but when she tries to take his shirt off he pushes her arms away gently and shakes his head with a grin. God he's adorable.
"Does that mean that I should come to work naked from now on?"
"Hell no!" he says, his mouth on her collarbone. "But we should do naked Fridays in my office."
"Here's an idea. I'll write a memo for the company first thing in the morning."
She almost doesn't finish her sentence when Oliver's mouth closes on one of her nipples. She feels him smile in contentment against her skin and can't help but mirror his reaction, her legs spreading wider of their own accord, her eyes shutting in desire. She doesn't know how it's possible but Oliver squirms closer to her still, his erection pressing right where she wants him to be, both his warm palms splayed across her cold back.
"No need for a memo," he says, the sound vibrating against her skin, making her shiver and bite back a moan. "It's just for you and me. You can block the executive floor for the entire day and we don't get any work done. Desk-induced sex and all that, you know?"
"We're already having all of that here," she responds and this time she can't help the moan that escapes her.
Felicity bites her lip so hard she quickly tastes blood in her mouth. Oliver's fingers come to free her lip with a frown.
"I really wish you'd stop doing that," he whispers, his pupils completely dilated by now.
"What would you have me do?"
The glint in Oliver's eyes can only be described as full-on dirty.
"Scream my name?"
She can't help it, she laughs out loud, the sound bringing a beaming smile to Oliver's face, and it feels so liberating she completely forgets where she was a few hours ago and what has been thrown in her face.
"You say the most romantic things."
"I try," he smirks.
And then they don't talk because Oliver's mouth has gone back to focus on her breasts, his fingers still in her mouth so she can't bite her lips. Since Oliver won't let her take his shirt off, Felicity plunges her hand in his hair, running it up and down as his tongue teases her nipples mercilessly.
Her other hand slides from his head to his neck, scratches his shoulder, his arm, her fingers clenching at the top of his loose jeans. When she eventually reaches the buttons of his pants, he takes her hand and settles it back on her desk.
It's weird, but desks are kind of their thing. Well, it's always been her thing, to be honest. There weren't a lot of places to have sex with Aaron when she was in high school and her goody-two-shoes reputation came in handy then when the janitors gave her the keys for whatever room she requested without a second thought.
It's taken them a full week to make it to a bed. Their first time was in Oliver's QC office, the second time in Oliver's car, third against that pillar in the foundry (which Diggle still complains about but who cares), and there were the uncomfortable cots, her Arrow desk, the med table, then that one time in her elevator before they finally made it to her bed (but there was a stop on her couch first).
They haven't done it on the mats — Felicity can't really bring herself to do it there. She still remembers erasing that video of Sara and Oliver a little while before Tockman came to mess with them the first time and the pinching feeling it brought and that is only just starting to fade away.
Oliver's fingers leave her mouth and trail down her neck, her side, settling on her waist, his other one following the same route on the other side. His lips leave her nipples, kissing up her torso, brushing her collarbone, when he eventually buries his head in the hollow of her neck.
It's crazy, but every movement, every touch, every breath lights her skin on fire, elicits shivers, makes her breath hitch. She can't keep her hand on the desk, she has to cup his head, she has to feel him under her touch. His fists close on her underwear, and when Felicity feels him smile devilishly in her neck she knows instantly what he's about to do. But before she can react, he has already ripped her underwear apart.
"Oliver!" she protests.
He smirks proudly.
"Yes, just like that, but with less ire and more need."
He leans in to kiss her and she obliges because what else can she do, but she eventually moves her head away and looks at her shredded underwear, annoyed.
"You really need to stop doing that. I'm running out of those."
Oliver doesn't look even remotely apologetic.
"I'll buy you new ones."
"The ones you buy are always green. That's not very kaleidoscopic. And it shows through my white pants."
He just hums, and Felicity is convinced that he hasn't even tried to listen to what she was saying, lost that he is in her body. Soon enough, she can't think either, because he has buried his fingers in her and he's looking at her, gauging her reactions. She feels so self-conscious when he looks. She can't help but wonder if he compares her to the Laurels, the Saras, the McKennas and the Shados of his past.
"Felicity, stop thinking," he tells her.
How does he know? She opens her eyes. His are an open book but it's scary to look too close because she's still not willing to believe what it says.
"Just let go," he smiles, going back to kiss her senseless.
She loses all ability to think then. It's like he fries her brain in the most delicious way, and she's helpless to it. There's literally nothing she can do but kiss back, give into the overwhelming building sensation and just feel.
She wants to bite her lips to prevent the words from coming out of her mouth, but it's no use because she missed him, and he's adorable, and he obviously missed her and god she loves him and she doesn't know how to protect herself where he's concerned.
"I need you," she lets out.
Felicity never talks when she has sex. She might be the most talkative weirdo in real life, but with something as intimate as love making she feels like every action has its importance. Oliver is more oral — in every way — but he's understood Felicity's guarded behavior and so far respected it. So she sees that the words hit him full force.
It's like he's waited for this all along. Like he just wanted to get the words out of her.
Oliver steps back, takes his shirt off so fast she doesn't even see it, and before she can blink he's standing in front of her, stark naked, and positioning himself at her dripping entrance. She smiles shyly as his fingers come behind her head and tug at the elastic that holds her ponytail, letting her hair lose and shuffling it contentedly.
Sometimes, she can't handle the way he looks at her — like she's precious, and someone he could really care about. When he enters her, his fingers grasping at her butt and waist as hers clench on his shoulders is one of those times. A moment that has her struggling to hold his gaze.
"Hold onto me tight," he whispers with a smirk.
She raises her eyebrows, but her laugh is strangled by the feeling of him filling her completely. She tries to even her ragged breath by biting her lip but Oliver's fingers come back to free it with a warning look.
There's no way she's screaming his name. No way. She's never going to live it down if she does. He'll be wearing that smug smile for the rest of the week, it's going to become a game and Felicity doesn't want to play games. Not with him. There's too much at stake.
And weirdly enough, he seems to get it.
So Felicity releases her lip but plasters herself against his body, covering as much of his skin with hers, burying her head in his neck, biting his shoulder, relishing in his delicious smell. His fingers slide from her waist to her spine in a never-ending caress as he starts moving in her slowly. And her mind goes blank.
She stops thinking altogether. She couldn't even if she wanted to.
God that feels good.
Felicity's hips follow his slow rhythm of their own accord, rotating, seeking a friction that lights her skin on fire. And then Oliver's lips find her neck and shower it with mouthy kisses that make her shiver, and his fingers gather at the apex of her thighs and she doesn't know how it happens but within minutes she finds herself coming, her entire body clenching around him, her moans barely muffled by his skin.
Oliver doesn't wait for her to come down her own orgasm before seeking his. Barely seconds after her orgasm hits her she feels him tremble in her arms, his breathing stopping for a few moments before starting again, his fingers clamping her hips so hard it would hurt if she didn't like it so much.
They stay there, entangled in each other, Felicity sitting on her desk and Oliver standing in front of her, for the longest time before Oliver kisses her neck, her cheek, and her hair as he slowly pulls out.
Is it weird that she feels like she needs to thank him? Like, 'thank you for the crazy orgasm that you brought out of me faster than my own hands'? You don't thank your boyfriend for giving you an orgasm, that's lame, right?
Boyfriend.
Oliver Queen is her boyfriend.
She just smiles and slides down on wobbly legs, looking for her dress. But Oliver rips it away before she can even reach it.
"No more black, we said!"
Felicity rolls her eyes, but doesn't reply as she settles for his v-neck t-shirt and heads for the bathroom to clean herself up. When she comes back in her work out outfit, Oliver is waiting for her on her chair.
"I don't want to sleep on the cots…" he admits.
"Then buy a futon," she teases.
"Or! We can head to your place?"
Felicity smiles.
"Or that. But can we stay here for a little while? I don't feel like heading there just yet."
For someone so terrible at communication, Oliver has an uncanny ability to read between the lines when he really puts his mind to it.
"What happened?"
Felicity sighs and leans on her desk, her arms crossed over her chest.
"You don't want to hear it," she says.
"Try me."
Oliver reaches for her and pulls her down to sit on his lap, clearly worried. Felicity opens her mouth, looking for a way to explain the extent of her trouble when as usual, Oliver pulls the rug from under her feet.
"Did he try to kiss you?"
Felicity's eyes bug out of her face.
"What? No! Of course not! Even if he did, I wouldn't have let him!"
"I know, I trust you. Him, much less so."
She can't help but roll her eyes.
"Why didn't you mention that you were worried when we talked on the phone?"
Oliver half-shrugs coyly.
"You were at the guy's dad's funeral. I didn't want to sound like a jealous dick."
"And you don't care anymore?"
"I guess not," he grins shamelessly.
Felicity frowns, surprised and tries to get up.
"I can't believe you're jealous."
"Why?" Oliver asks, catching her arm and bringing her back to him.
She eyes him, looking for mockery but finding none. He really doesn't understand why she's surprised? She always picked him and Team Arrow when given a choice. He knows why Aaron and her broke up, he was there to witness the fights and the ultimate showdown.
"Because… I don't know. Can you imagine if I was jealous every time you hung out with one of your exes? I'd spend my days asking if you've cheated on me."
Oliver looks hurt for a second and Felicity wants to take the words back, but he doesn't let go of her. Oliver just closes his eyes, wiping his other hand over his face, looking for a way to answer.
"Touché," he utters, eventually. "I would never cheat on you though, I hope you know that."
"I know," she says, but she's not fully convinced he wouldn't leave her for another woman however. Like, a leggy model type, someone mysterious, dangerous and sexy as hell, with big eyes and curves that'd get angels to forsake themselves. Probably another chick he slept with on his Island of Sex and Horror.
Oliver must notice the way her face has become somber because he tucks her hair behind her ear and plays with a curl distractedly.
"What happened, Felicity?"
"He blames me," she murmurs, her eyes avoiding his. "For his father's death. He says he doesn't but I know he does and… I know it's not my fault, like, it's not possible, right? You can't kill someone because you broke up with their son but in a way, if I'd let him go sooner he wouldn't have screwed up at work and his father wouldn't have yelled at him and he'd still be alive. For a day or two maybe but Aaron wouldn't feel so guilty."
She doesn't recognize her own voice, but she's fully aware that Oliver has tensed under her and when she glances in his direction, she sees that his jaw is clenched in anger.
"He didn't mean it," she says. Why is she defending Aaron? Why?
"I don't care."
His tone is icy cold, and she knows it's not directed at her but she still feels like she's the one being judged.
"He just wanted me back…"
"You said he didn't try to kiss you!"
"You can hit on a girl without making out with her! You can tell them."
Oliver's face closes down as he grumbles.
"Well I'm glad he went at this terribly this time."
Felicity shakes her head, smirking. He's so cute when he pouts.
"He won't be trying again. First of all because I don't want to see him again, and second of all because he knows that we're a thing."
"Really?"
He looks way smugger than she ever thought he would, all smirking face and tightening embrace. Felicity rolls her eyes once more, but humors him.
"Well you called and he took a wild guess. I refused to confirm because screw him, but he figured us out, yes. Diggle's right, we're terrible at this secret relationship thing."
"We don't have to be a secret, you know. One word…"
"I know," she replies quickly. "I know. Don't worry."
Before he can ask her why she doesn't want them to go forward and become an official thing, Felicity kisses him and stands up.
"Come on, let's go. I'm tired. Milford is an exhausting place that sucks the life out of you."
"You should work for their tourist office," Oliver jokes.
Felicity snorts. "As if there was one."
She gets her coat when Oliver catches her hand and turns her towards him.
"Hey, what Aaron said? You are right. None of what happened to him after you guys broke up is your fault. What happened is sad, but it's life. A person doesn't have that much power on another person to screw them that hard."
Felicity smiles tightly but doesn't answer. She doesn't agree. Her mom is the perfect example of how much power a person can have on another when love is involved. Her father ruined their family and destroyed her mother beyond repair. That's how much power he had, and still has, over Jessica Smoak. What hurts is that Aaron knows it and used that knowledge to twist things around and hurt Felicity.
She can't tell Oliver any of that though. Because then, to make him understand, she'd have to tell him that she feels exactly like her mother where he's concerned. Like Oliver has all the power over her, the power to take away everything he gave her without thinking. His love. His quest. The family that he introduced her to.
Oliver can't understand how happy and deeply terrified she is since they have started dating. Because he can't fathom how much she has to lose now if he changes his mind.
Oliver begins to understand three weeks later. They're at the foundry with Diggle while Roy is on a date with Thea. The news have been raging with the story of a serial rapist who drugs his victims on the campus of Starling City University before having his way with them. Two girls have come forward in the past six weeks, and Lance calls them for help, telling them that his boss has managed to keep two more girls away from the media.
The university has done everything they could, even going as far as to forbid all parties until the culprit is found — to no avail. Apparently, girls on the SCU campus feel like it can only happen to others and the fraternities find ways to organize secret parties without getting caught.
The night Lance calls them to ask for help takes a weird turn. Oliver is immediately wary of the topic, speaking mainly with Diggle, asking for as many clues to Lance as he can about the rapist's profile and studying all the data seriously before they even begin to formulate a plan.
It's surprising. Oliver is more the running into the frat-houses, shooting arrows and then asking questions type of guy. Felicity isn't used to him taking a step back and considering crazy sounding options that take forever instead of focusing on the most obvious and efficient one — however risky it might sound.
It's not like they've never done it before with the Dollmaker.
Somehow, Diggle and Oliver are down to a ridiculous plan where Roy will pose as a student and plant multiple bugs and cameras in all the frat houses and around campus so Team Arrow (or, you know, mainly Felicity) can eavesdrop for hours in order to pin down the culprit. Felicity listens to their insane strategy for an hour, not knowing why she's humoring them before she finally speaks up.
"You do realize they have shut down the frats, and it's still happening anyways? You've been a frat boy Oliver, you know there are underground parties everywhere!"
Oliver looks at her but stays quiet at first. She should have been surprised when he didn't ask what plan she is offering.
"Well, we're not exactly cops so it's not like we can barge in and ask questions," he growls.
Felicity rolls her eyes.
"Are you purposefully ignoring the easiest solution?"
"Yes," Diggle mutters.
She frowns, surprised.
"What?"
"Forget it, Felicity," Oliver grunts out.
"You haven't even heard my plan!"
"Let me guess, you go as a sorority girl or just some random college student and you offer yourself on a silver plate for a rapist?"
Felicity flinches, taken aback. Is she that transparent?
"So you really are ignoring it then," she grumbles.
"Yes we are."
Oliver's tone shows that it's not up for debate. But when Diggle notices her frown and the light of righteous anger that awakens in her eyes, he sighs and steps in between them.
"It's not ideal, but our plan with Roy can work."
"How long until another girl gets raped, though?" she thunders in barely repressed ire. "We don't even know where the next party will take place! I can find that out in a day, and we can act immediately if I'm inside!"
"No," is all Oliver says.
Felicity blinks.
"No? That's it? It's not even up for discussion?"
"We've discussed it, and it's no, Felicity! We're not setting you up to be raped by a creep at a frat house!"
"It's not your choice to make!"
Oliver turns his head so fast to pin her down with a placating stare she's frozen in her spot for a second.
"Don't. You. Dare." he warns in a low tone that she's pretty sure is his Arrow voice.
She knows full well that he's talking about her motto of her life her choice.
"Look, I trust you, I know you guys won't let anything happen to me! I'll keep the coms on the whole time, you'll all be watching my back! And it's not like it'd be the first time! I mean, the Dollmaker actually killed people…"
She knows it was the wrong thing to say when Oliver clenches his jaw and takes a step in her direction.
"And remember how scared you admitted to being? How you asked that we don't let you do that again? How you ended up with a mild concussion?"
His anger and anxiety are rolling off of him in intoxicating waves but Felicity stands her ground, emboldened by her own wrath at not even being heard.
"Guys, calm down…" Diggle tries to say.
"Stay out of this, John!" Felicity yells. "So? I was scared in the casino too! And I don't care about being scared if we prevent girls from getting raped!"
"I care!"
"It's not about you and your control freak issues, Oliver! This is what Green Arrow is about! I could very well do this without you and then I'd really be in danger!"
"I swear if you do that Felicity…" Oliver begins, his voice actually shaking with rage.
He wants to hit something, and he's reaching his breaking point, she knows it.
"Hey now, don't go saying crazy stuff like this…" Diggle intervenes.
"What?" she exclaims, not even trying to contain her anger now. "It's what every single one of these girls is doing! They're going to a party thinking they're going to have fun and they wake up without any memories and an ache between their legs! It could be anyone, it could be Thea for all we know, and we have the power to do something about it but you won't because… what? You're scared?"
"Felicity, stop!" Diggle says, physically stepping between them now.
"No, John I want to know why we're playing it so safe this time!" she yells. "Why can't I go now, with Roy who looks as young as me in tow, and fake drinking so we can stop this guy before more people are hurt?"
Oliver's eyes are blaring with fury.
"You're not going because I'm in love with you and we're not taking the risk to break you because you feel helpless!"
"You loved Sara and you let her do much more dangerous stuff than this without ever fighting her! And I sure as hell don't feel helpless!"
She spins on her heels, her head dizzy and swirling, and soon finds herself outside Verdant in the dark alleyway. Her mind sort of registers that something is crashing downstairs but she can't muster up the energy to pay it attention.
When the cold wind blows in her face, Felicity doesn't feel it instantly. Her stomach is lurching, and the brick walls are whirling around her, as she struggles to breathe normally. She's having a panic attack, she realizes. She's having a panic attack, because Oliver just told her he's in love with her, and she screamed at him and threw his ex in his face.
What the hell is wrong with her?
What the hell is wrong with her?
"Felicity?"
She's trying to catch her breath and slow the world down, but she can't, she can't even open her eyes. She barely hears Diggle's voice over the white noise buzzing in her ears.
"Felicity!"
Felicity crashes against his chest, her arms coming to circle and grip his waist as she buries her head in his shirt. It takes a second before she breaks down, her shoulders shaking in straining sobs. Diggle reacts instantly, wrapping his own arms around her frame to rock her gently, his cheek resting against the top of her head.
She doesn't know how long she cries in his arms, but he lets her, supporting her like the big brother she considers him to be.
"What's wrong with me?" she voices at last, her throat clogged with tears.
"Nothing's wrong with you," Diggle chuckles. "But something is definitely wrong. What's going on?"
She sniffs pathetically, and steps out of his embrace in shame but she can't escape his calm yet leveling stare.
"Spill, Smoak."
"I don't know."
"Yes, you do."
"I yelled at him," she whispers, reliving the scene in horror.
Diggle rolls his eyes. "Not the first time. Not the last time. He's probably already over it. Now the med table might need to be replaced, however."
"Why doesn't he let me do this, though? I don't get it!" she wonders out loud, pacing and wiping traitorous tears at the same time.
"He told you why."
That stops her in her tracks, her head falling in her hands.
"What's wrong, Felicity?" Diggle insists.
"I… this is too much."
"What is?"
"I can't… He doesn't…"
"Yes, he does. And you know it. He would never say that he loved you if he didn't. Truth is, he's probably been looking for the right time to tell you for a while. He sucks at good timing but then again…"
Felicity steps back to lean against the wall, shivering in the cold wind, but doesn't say anything. She feels feverish. And sick.
"What are you so scared about?"
"Me," she finally admits. "I'm scared about me, I can't… My entire life is built around him, John! He loves me now, but he loved Laurel too, and he stopped one day and… I don't have anything besides this. Team Arrow, you guys. If we break up, if he suddenly decides that it's over what am I supposed to do? I'll lose everything."
She doesn't know what she expects, but certainly not Diggle's annoyed response.
"Well, thanks for the vote of confidence."
Her misty eyes fly to meet his in shock.
"First, Oliver is not going to break up with you because he's not that pre-island douche anymore, because you're not Laurel, and because he's so in love with you it's disgusting. Second, if he broke up with you, I'd kick his sorry ass. And I would never stop being your friend because you stopped showing up at the foundry. I'm honestly hurt that you'd think that. I'm sure Roy would resent it too."
Felicity looks away in shame, but Diggle takes a step toward her and cups her cheeks, his thumbs wiping a few tears in the process.
"I know you don't have the best history with people in your life, but we're all here to stay, okay? You're so loyal to everyone, why can't you believe that people wouldn't return the favor?"
She sniffs, but refuses to answer because it's going to sound cliché and lame. She can't tell them that they're the closest she has to a family because her parents fucked her up beyond repair. She refused long ago to let this define her. She thought being with Oliver would be easy once he told her that he was sure he wanted to be with her.
She can't believe she sort of wants to go back to the way things were. Being with Oliver is such a thing she thought would never happen, such a dream come true, she knows deep inside of her that at this point there's no other way to go but down.
"Felicity, you're your own worst enemy here," Diggle starts again, his voice soft and understanding. "We all love you. And none of us can imagine not having you here. You've seen it firsthand last year when you were with Aaron. Oliver was terrified of you leaving Team Arrow, leaving him. He can't do any of this without you either."
But that doesn't mean he can't do life without her. He can decide he wants to stop his Green Arrow quest and settle down with someone else and she'll still have nothing.
"So Oliver saying no to use you as bait for a rapist? You and I both know it's not control issues. For the record, I veto against that option too. We're not putting you in harm's way. Four girls, Felicity, he got to four girls. There is no way in hell we are taking the risk of making you the fifth. You won't be the sacrificial lamb. And if that makes me a terrible person then so be it."
Her lip wobbles, but she doesn't say anything, just goes back to hug Diggle. She wishes everything he'd just told her would sink in already. She wishes she could control her fears, voice them out loud, put them at rest. She's been trying so hard, how can it not work?
It's not like Oliver's treated her like shit either since she broke up with Aaron. If anything, he's been more demonstrative than ever.
"I'm sorry," she eventually articulates.
"Ha, don't worry, you're forgiven. Come on, you're freezing."
He rubs her arms vigorously, then gives her the jacket of his suit and smirks a little.
"Also, Starling City's vigilante is probably tearing down his lair right now — or, you know, he's physically punishing himself — all because he fought with his girlfriend."
Felicity wipes the tears away from her cheeks with her palms and smiles a little.
"Wasn't that what you feared all along?" she asks in a small voice. "That we'd fight and mess Team Arrow up?"
Diggle shakes his head in clear dismissal.
"Hell no. You think that'd have gone any differently if you guys weren't dating? It would have been worse, trust me. You'd be angry, he'd be sulking, you'd be fighting even more and he'd eventually feed you some bullshit about why he can't have you in harm's way other than the fact that he loves you, and it would have only convinced you. And probably him too. It's much easier now that he's finally told you he loves you, believe me."
Felicity blinks in astonishment.
"You make it sound so simple."
"It's 'cause it is." Diggle shrugs. "And it's because I've watched him squirm around you for three years before he decided to stop being an ass and get his shit together."
He opens the door that leads to the basement but doesn't step to follow her. When she turns around, frowning in inquery, Diggle barks out a laugh.
"Yeah, there's no way I'm getting in the middle of your make up conversation." He insists on the word conversation like it's supposed to mean something else, and Felicity chuckles despite herself. "So I'll let you converse and discuss like grownups, and I'll be back at ten tomorrow. Notice how I gave an exact time? It's so everyone down there is fully dressed if they happen to spend the night here for some reason."
"Okay, got it. No wandering around naked."
"Not ever."
"Thanks, John. For everything."
Diggle smiles at her and pats her shoulder gently. "Any time."
Punishing workout it is, apparently. Felicity walks down the stairs anxiously, her arms wrapped around Diggle's jacket, seeking warmth, as she listens to the rhythmic clanging noise of the salmon ladder.
Diggle's right, they're going to have to buy a new med table because this one has a twisted leg that won't be fixable. She grimaces, looking at the debris of the syringes and other glass objects that fell with the shock and are now laying on the floor, and begins to clean up the mess while Oliver works out his anger and frustration, his back to the equipment and to her.
She's barely started when she hears him drop to the floor, the bar falling in a muffled thud on the mats. Felicity's heart accelerates, making her flush as she braces herself for what could be another fight.
Felicity turns to face him and she sees in the way he's clenching the bottle of water he's drinking and in the way he's not exactly facing her that he doesn't want to fight. She hurt him. She doesn't know what hurt most — using his fear of losing her to provoke him, not saying that she loves him too, throwing his relationship with Sara to his face. But the result is the same.
"I'm sorry," she says, staring at the floor.
Oliver doesn't reply, but she knows he heard her because he freezes for a split second.
Okay, fights with Oliver are always… tense, but this is the most awkward one they ever had.
"I'm not going to sneak into that party without telling you guys. I was just angry."
"What were you so angry about?" Oliver asks irritatingly.
"You and Diggle refused to even consider the solution for a minute. It was worth discussing. Like I said, we'd done it before."
"That was before, and that was a mistake. The Dollmaker was a huge mistake that I won't be making again, trust me."
Felicity leans against the glass that encases Oliver's Green Arrow suit while he wipes a shaking hand over his face.
"You promised you wouldn't go back to the field last year. After that Clock King debacle?"
"I said I wouldn't unless it's absolutely necessary," she cuts. "Stopping a rapist sounds like something necessary."
Oliver raises his eyebrows, unimpressed.
"If you think you'll manage to convince me to let you do this, you're wrong. Don't even try."
That sparkles a new wave of anger that Felicity has the most difficult time taming.
"Don't act like I don't know what it's like to fear for someone else's life, Oliver," she mumbles. "I know what it's like, I live it every night when you, Dig and Roy go out on the field. You don't hear me yelling at you every time. I discuss every possibility, whatever danger that might put you in."
"But that was the implicit deal from the get go! I was doing it this way before I dragged you into this mess. You were never supposed to set a single foot out of the foundry, and take the risk of becoming a target. Whenever we've used you outside it was as bait and…"
"No it wasn't. Last year, I wasn't bait at that gala where I planted the malware; everything went down the way we wanted."
"The way you wanted maybe. I've regretted including you in that plan a lot since then," he admits begrudgingly.
"Regretted why, because it proves that I don't have to be locked in the foundry or because Aaron ended up being there?"
Oliver shoots her a meaningful look that makes her roll her eyes.
"Will you stop being jealous of him already?" she sighs.
"I don't know, will you stop with the Sara nonsense?"
It's her turn to stare at him in surprise. Oliver finally takes a few steps in her direction.
"What's with you and Sara?" he presses.
"I don't know," Felicity lets out reluctantly.
She was a badass motherfucker? She was the hot girl he really cared about that he didn't mind being with despite the fact that he hadn't changed a thing in the way he lived? The woman who knew every part of him and understood him in ways that Felicity could never compare with? She was a mysterious assassin who could fight three guys at once and also understand Windows 8?
The list is long.
She doesn't convince Oliver, she knows it, but once more he lets her get away with it.
"Me not fighting Sara on a lot of things was… that was a mistake too. Me not fighting her led her to her death, Felicity. You can't possibly believe that I'd be willing to repeat that with you?"
Felicity avoids his gaze, settling to stare at the floor. She's not being fair. Oliver told her that he wasn't in love with Sara, that he loved her but that they would have never worked out. Sara could probably kick his ass easily. How was he supposed to control her? And her death had changed things in Team Arrow. If anything, it had changed Oliver. Felicity can't exactly blame him for being so protective when she knew full well how much of a stalker he could be even before they started dating.
"It's not your fault that she died."
"Leave it to you to defend me even when you're angry with me," he jokes.
Felicity chuckles silently, and tries to hide the smile that she can't hold back with a shrug.
"I'm not angry with you. Not anymore, at least," she sighs. "I'm tired. I'm headed home, do you want to come or do you still have stuff to work out?"
She nods in the salmon ladder's direction dejectedly, but Oliver ignores it. His reassured smile is so adorable she melts a little — and gets confused too. What is he so relieved about? What did he fear? More anger? More blaming jabs?
"I thought we'd fight more," he admits. "About you going on the field."
"It's called being in a grown up relationship," Felicity mocks. "I can compromise."
"So you're on with our initial plan?" he asks, finally reaching out to catch her waist. She holds onto his shoulders.
"As long as I can help Roy and Diggle out. It'll go faster and I actually know how the bugs and cameras work."
He tries to stare her down, make her change her mind but she doesn't budge.
"Fine," he sighs.
She smiles devilishly, kissing his stubble, skimming her hand along his jaw.
"You'll be the one stuck in the foundry for once…" Felicity taunts.
"I can still change my mind, you know."
"Okay, okay. I hear you boss."
She kisses him quickly on the mouth and tugs at his hand to leave the foundry, grabbing her stuff in the process. They still haven't discussed the giant elephant in the room. If Oliver is willing to let it go, Felicity is not about to fight him on this.
She can't tell him that she loves him yet. It's too soon. It's like them coming out as a couple for the world to see. On the one hand, she wants everyone to know that she's dating Oliver Queen because she finally has some win in her life and she is happy and the world needs to be fully aware of this.
On the other hand though, that means the world will also be fully aware of their breakup if Oliver changes his mind and decides that she's too much of a risk. She's not an idiot. Oliver Queen is a double target, as a multibillionaire CEO who made a lot of mistakes as a kid and as an efficient vigilante. There will be a moment where she'll end up in danger, when another Slade will show up and use her to hurt Oliver. It's only a matter of time before it happens.
She can't take another version of his "because of the life that I lead" speech. And if she has to listen to it, if it has to happen in the next weeks, then she fully intends to come out of this with as much of her dignity as possible.
"Hey," Oliver wonders out loud, "does that grown up relationship thing includes make-up sex even if we stopped yelling?"
If Oliver breaks up with her sooner than later, Felicity doesn't plan on quitting Team Arrow. She's masochistic like that. She'll stay, and she'll pretend she isn't that affected — it wouldn't be a first.
"Yes," she smiles. "This one does."
In the meantime, she's going to make the best of this relationship before Oliver burns everything to ashes out of misplaced noble intents.
They stop the rapist — a man who worked as a security guard on campus — but not before he manages to make another victim. That takes a toll on Team Arrow and raises the stakes soon. Felicity keeps her promise and neither goes alone despite her desire to help out nor does she press the issue with Oliver. She stays quietly in the foundry, like a good girl and sends all the data that she has to Detective Lance so he can build a case that is admissible in court. It pains her not to take clearer actions but it would be profoundly stupid to put herself in harm's way without her friends as backup.
Also, she can't bring herself to break Oliver and Diggle's trust in her. She's noticed that Oliver wasn't as trusting as he wanted her to believe because for the next few days he's a little more controlling than she is used to.
"If I really was going to infiltrate a university campus to hang out at creepy parties without telling anyone, don't you think I'd be smart enough not to invite you over every night, you moron?" she eventually snaps when he forces her to attend another boring meeting in the conference room to keep an eye on her.
After that, he backs off with the overprotectiveness.
But to Felicity's complete surprise, the other shoe she's been waiting to see drop and crash around her doesn't. She's getting a little restless, expecting one of Green Arrow's enemies to jump them any moment now but it's just your usual thug, thief and occasional Triad member who attack them and neither of them are smart enough to suspect that the vigilante might have a few sidekicks apart from Roy as Arsenal to help him out.
She feels her walls crumbling around him. Within a month, she realizes that she doesn't even think or question it when Oliver follows her home and stays over, when more and more of his stuff ends up in her bathroom, her drawers, or littering her coffee table.
Some might say she's repeating the same mistakes that she made with Aaron. Moving too fast — if she's so scared of losing Oliver, why is she letting him in so deep in the aspects of her life that she'd need to keep away from him?
She can't explain it. She's a sucker. She doesn't learn. She's a masochist.
She's hopeless, basically.
They've been dating for four months and are driving home from another boring gala that Felicity had to attend as his E.A when Oliver mentions that he doesn't want them to be a secret couple anymore.
"You're just saying that because Bruce Wayne riled you up," she answers, her eyes glinting with amusement.
Oliver doesn't even try to pretend it isn't.
"He was hitting on you all night. I finally had a great excuse to punch that asshole in the face."
"Yes, that's the argument that will convince me."
"He was hitting on you!"
"It was just talking, and he wasn't being serious, Oliver! He knows full well that something is going on between us he admitted it himself. It was just to mess with you."
"It's not fair that he gets to dance with you more than I do," Oliver grumbles as he parks the car in her street.
"Are you pouting?"
Oliver blatantly ignores her attempts to deflect the slippery situation.
"It doesn't have to be mediatized. You can just come as my plus one and not my assistant. And if journalists start being pains, we issue a statement or something and it'll die down."
Felicity gets out of the Bentley, careful of not messing with her deep blue cocktail dress, as she shakes her head in amusement.
"You've really thought this through, huh?"
Oliver gets out and joins her on the pavement, holding her hand as they walk the stairs to her building.
"I mean, technically we're not doing a lot to hide that we're dating. If the paparazzi were looking, they'd know that I already spend a lot of nights at your place."
He presses the button to call the elevator, turning Felicity to press her against the wall while they wait for it to open its doors.
"It's not necessarily about the paparazzi," she counters as he dips his head to kiss her neck.
"Well if it's not about the paparazzi I don't know what it's about."
"Your secrets? If I'm in the spotlight, people might actually know who I am and it comes in handy sometimes that no one knows who Felicity Smoak is."
"What, you mean no more field work? And this is bad how?"
Felicity tilts her head and levels him with an annoyed glare. The elevator pings as its doors open. Felicity steps in and presses on the button for the fourth floor, Oliver in tow.
"I just want to be able to kiss you when I want, sue me…" he grumbles.
"You want to be able to mark your territory in front of people like Bruce Wayne," she snorts, but he's found a new way to release butterflies in her stomach. How does he even do that?
"Well, don't you want to do the same with me?" he asks, his hand going back to hold hers. They feel cold and clammy. Oliver brings out the weirdest reactions out of her.
"No," she chuckles. "Because you're not an object, Oliver."
"Mmh, I don't know I did feel pretty objectified when you ogled me while I worked out."
"Why the past tense? Let's be honest, I still do."
They reach her floor and step out of the elevator.
"Exactly. Don't you want the world to know that all this muscle is yours?"
She bursts out into laughter at the ridiculousness of the situation.
"Really? You're willing to objectify yourself to convince me to tell everyone we know that we're in a relationship?"
Oliver grins shamelessly and shrugs.
"I love it when you laugh."
Again with the L word. He hasn't said it again — hasn't repeated that he's in love with her — since their fight at the foundry because he understood that she'd been freaked out but she knows he's working his way to this conversation. Telling people they're together, that's his first step.
Sneaky bastard. Thank god she's good at deflecting.
"Thank you."
She tilts her head, and leans against the wall of her apartment, close to her door, considering his offer. Oliver's eyes soften, his palm coming to cup her jaw, his thumb caressing her cheek tenderly.
"There's something else, isn't there?" he asks.
"What?" she whispers.
"There's a reason why you want to keep us a secret."
She doesn't have time to hide the surprise that fills her and something clicks in him, she can tell. He's sure there's something else. He's figured her out. She has to come clean. If she doesn't want to hurt him, now is the perfect time to tell him how worried she is. Screw dignity. Maybe that's the moment he decides they should stop because she could be right.
"What is it?" he murmurs, and she hears the worry in his voice. "What are you so scared about?"
Felicity takes his hand down, closes her eyes and sighs.
"I… Okay, let's talk inside."
Her heart is beating so hard in her chest it feels like it's trying to rip it apart. This is it, the defining moment. Felicity gets her keys out of her purse with trembling hands and tries to open her door, but to her utter surprise the door handle turns automatically, like it wasn't locked.
Felicity frowns, her eyes flying to meet Oliver's troubled gaze. He reacts instantly, ushering her gently behind him, pushing the door slowly with his foot.
The lights in her living room are turned on. How did they not notice it before?
"Hello?" Oliver asks with his Arrow voice. "Stay here."
But Felicity doesn't listen. She can't explain why, but she knows she doesn't physically risk anything when she steps inside her apartment. Actually, she knows exactly what is awaiting her when she smells the familiar scent that has spread in her apartment. She knows who has broken into her home, and she knows absolutely nothing good will come out of it.
And sure enough, she finds Oliver standing dumbstruck in her hallway, staring at the woman seated on her red couch awkwardly. Her eyes follow his line of sight, and there it is. She'd never thought her other shoe dropping would take that form. But honestly, she should have seen it coming all along.
"Hey baby," the woman says as she stands on skinny legs. Her voice is raspier than it used to be.
Felicity's heart is beating so loud she doesn't even hear herself talk.
"Mom."
[NEXT: Part Three – Oliver's POV]
And there it is, the mom thing that was mentioned at the end of Of Need and Abandonment Issues! Hopefully Felicity's insecurities were clear enough... Next part will deal with the reason why Jessica Smoak visits, and Oliver realizing the extent of Felicity's insecurities.
I hope you liked it! Let me know your opinion and your thoughts!
Thank you for reading!