Hey guys! Sorry for the delay but I left for a loooong week end and I thought there'd be the internet and a computer but... No. So I'm stuck with trying to update that story from my ipad which is a fucking bitch to do. But you're totally worth it :-D So again? Sorry for the delay.
Of Love and Abandonment Issues
Part III.
Oliver feels Felicity's walls erect instantly. One second she's on the verge of finally opening up, the next she's going back to hiding behind an impenetrable shield. The thing is, Oliver can't exactly blame her for it. She's probably living one of her worst nightmares.
Before they started dating, while Oliver was still trying to get Felicity to see that he really wanted to be with her and that she wasn't just a convenient fling, he'd managed to get her to talk briefly about the woman who has just broken into her apartment.
Jessica Smoak is a shell of a woman who still can't accept, twenty years later, that her husband didn't want her.
Oliver never really gave a lot of thought to Felicity's mother. Actually, no, he gave a lot of thought to what kind of relationship Felicity had with her, since she was so reluctant to bring that topic up and go into details. But he's never thought about what she looked like.
Now that she's standing in front of him, staring at Felicity with the most awkward smile he's ever been privy to, he's stunned to understand what Felicity's decision to color her hair reveals about herself.
Jessica Smoak looks like a thinner, frailer, older and dark-haired version of Felicity. If Felicity was fifty, skanky, and ruined by life, she wouldn't look any different. The sight is shocking and disturbing.
Felicity first looks like a deer caught in headlights. He catches her glance towards the door, obviously looking for an escape, which is completely uncharacteristic. Felicity doesn't mind fighting. She doesn't scare easily either. Oliver also notices how her eyes slide in his direction, taking his presence into account, and the small bracing gesture that she can't hide.
Then she gulps. He can tell that she's calculating every possibility, every outcome, every way this scene could go down. He's only ever seen her like this when she's faced with a particularly messy situation for a Green Arrow mission. This is not good. And Oliver himself doesn't know if he should be here when Felicity is taken that much by surprise on her own territory.
Oliver finally realizes what disturbs him so much. What keeps him rooted in his spot, unable to move away from her.
She looks cornered, helpless.
She's obviously never intended for him to meet her mother, and the other way around. The thought would hurt him if he didn't suspect that Felicity hadn't exactly planned on seeing her mother ever again either. Dressed up in her tight blue dress that brings out the color of her eyes, her hair pinned up in beautiful curls, Felicity looks like a fairy tale princess right before she gets abducted by the evil witch.
Something tells him she does not want him to play Prince Charming. If anything, she probably wishes he'd disappear.
Felicity stays quiet for the longest time, staring at her mother, her eyes getting colder and more distant by the second. Jessica Smoak must notice it too, because she tries to take a step in her daughter's direction. Without surprise, Felicity backs down. Oliver finds himself moving to stand between them.
"You do know this is how you ended up with three restraining orders, right?"
Oliver fully expected her loud voice. He's used to it — that's the one that he's treated with when he's pushed her to her limits. And Felicity looks like she's damn close to a limit right that instant. But he didn't know she had a quiet angry voice — a quiet angry voice that she is currently using on her mother. That one is actually terrifying.
"I wasn't sure you'd be willing to talk to me…"
Jessica Smoak has a slurring accent that Oliver hadn't been expecting either.
"So you go ahead and force yourself into my life?"
Felicity's eyes glaze over her mother's shoulders and her lips extend into a disgusted smirk.
"I see you've introduced yourself to my liquor cabinet."
Jessica Smoak flinches. Oliver finds himself pitying her, surprised at Felicity's uncaring, placating tone and unwavering stare. God can she be scary when she wants to be. Felicity's mother looks at Oliver with a supplication that brings feelings he hasn't experienced since Lian Yu. She looks like that prisoner that pleaded Oliver to free him only to find out he was working with Fryers in the end.
He decides to trust his instinct once more.
"I…" her mother begins.
But Felicity cuts her short, moving past him but refusing to look in his direction.
"Oliver?" she asks, and her voice loses some of its edge. "Do you mind…?"
'Do you mind disappearing so I can hide more secrets and insecurities?' is really what she wants to ask him, but he's not going to play that game with her. If she wants him to get out of her hair, she'll have to be much more specific and actually push him away instead of doing it passive-aggressively; instead of always expecting him to do that for her.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
But it means no, everything in her demeanor tells him so. She doesn't want to be there, she doesn't want to see her mother and she most certainly does not want to hear the reasons why her mother barged into her home. He doesn't need more. Oliver nods, and turns his heels in the direction of Felicity's bedroom.
"No I…" she starts to say, and he knows full well that she meant that he should leave her alone for the night.
"I'll be in the room. Shout if you need me," he cuts calmly as he pushes the door almost to a close behind him.
There's no way he's letting Felicity get away with more than what he's tolerated so far. He's been patient. He hasn't pushed her. He has let her call the shots, while trying to wriggle his way into her heart so she could trust him fully. He's completely aware that she is keeping him at arms length. If she wasn't, she would have told him that she loved him too once they were done fighting about her being nuts and wanting to be rapist bait. She would be okay with coming forward as a couple.
Oliver doesn't doubt for a second that Felicity wants to be with him and that she loves him unconditionally. If she didn't, she wouldn't put up with so much of his shit. Okay, it hurt when she didn't say that she loves him back. But Diggle had warned him that it wouldn't be easy.
"Don't tell her you love her. She won't believe you. Show her. Convince her," Diggle had said.
He's been doing this for the past four months — six if you count the months he spent just trying to get her to date him. Tonight, he had felt her walls finally crumbling. He still doesn't know what her problem is, but he has a sinking feeling that her mother showing up uninvited is not going to help matters.
"What do you want?" Felicity queries with a tone that reminds him of the one his own mother used with people she couldn't afford to mistreat.
The good thing about Felicity's apartment — the only good thing, truly — is that her walls are thin and he doesn't even have to press his ear against the door to hear the conversation on the other side.
"I wanted to see you."
Her mother's voice is pleading and pathetic, small and full of longing. He's never heard a woman talk like that to their children. It makes Oliver feel ill at ease, and it's troubling to hear Felicity so unmoved, knowing how much of a caring person she usually is.
"I'm surprised you even knew where I lived," Felicity mocks, every word dripping with sarcasm.
"Of course I knew, I'm your mother."
Felicity scoffs.
"So? You've seen me. Congratulations. Was there something else?"
"Come on, baby," her mother pleads, but her voice betrays a little irritation now. "Can't you at least look like you're glad to see me?"
Felicity is indifferent though. Her tone stays icy and unwelcoming.
"What for? You haven't tried to see me since that Christmas almost ten years ago. Never bothered you before."
"The kids are supposed to call the parents," Jessica Smoak opposes, and it sounds like an argument they've already had.
"Yeah, and the parents are supposed to get worried when they don't have any news from their kids for months."
"I knew you were fine," she deflects, and it sounds so genuine it takes Oliver aback.
Felicity bursts into a humorless laugh that hurts his ears.
"You've got nerve! I'm still fine, if that's what you've been wondering."
He hears something drop — Oliver is pretty sure that Felicity has settled her purse on the bar that delimitates the kitchen from the living room.
"I can tell. Fine boyfriend that you have. Much better than Millers."
"Is that why you're here? To give me boy advice?"
"Do you have to be so defensive?" Jessica grumbles, annoyed.
"Knowing you, yes. I'm waiting for your bomb, mom. Don't back out, now, I'm waiting, fully prepared. If you're not settling for a phone call like the other five times, it better be good. So what is this, this time? You're getting married? You're pregnant? You found dad yet again?"
"Do you have to be so belittling? I'm still your mother."
"No, you don't get to break into my apartment and give me lessons on rudeness and respect."
"You came lurking first!" she attacks. "You think I didn't see you after old Adam Millers' funeral?"
"I'm surprised you even noticed. I heard you had a new boyfriend, it's not like you to pay attention to anything other than yourself in such cases."
"Careful, baby…" her mother warns, and Oliver can tell she's taking her proverbial gloves off.
"If that bothered you so much, you could have called the cops. Wouldn't have been the first time."
"You keep shoving past mistakes in my face like you've never made any!"
"Oh trust me mom, I'm fully aware of every single one of my mistakes, it's not like you allowed me to forget either. Is that why you're here? To remind me that dad left because of me? That I'm your biggest regret? That if I hadn't been born, big ol' Tony Smoak wouldn't have split and you'd still be happy together?"
"Don't say his name!"
"Or what? What do you want mom? Why are you here? Because aside from accusing me of very old stuff, I'm not hearing an actual reason. And you sure as hell could have done it over the phone."
"It's because you don't let me talk!"
There's a heavy, loaded silence that makes even Oliver feel awkward and wish he were anywhere but there, standing like a stick in Felicity's tiny room. He forces himself to sit down on her comfortable mattress, his eyes falling on the empty nightstand. He finds himself frowning, noticing something for the first time.
There are no pictures in Felicity's room. Now that he thinks about it, there are none in the entirety of her apartment. Her walls are covered in abstract paintings, movie posters, and other random stuff. But she doesn't have any pictures — not of herself, not of her friends from Milford, or Aaron or… them, Diggle and Oliver. How has he not remarked on that before today?
"Fine. I'll shut up. Get everything off your chest."
There's another heavier silence as Oliver imagines the two women staring each other off like a deformed mirror. He's reminded of the portrait of Dorian Grey; two perfect faces, one getting uglier as the other one stays beautiful. How is Felicity so naïve and nice and innocent if she's grown up hearing that she's both her parents' biggest mistake?
"I'm dying, baby," Jessica Smoak chokes out.
Oliver winces in painful empathy and is surprised when that revelation is met with more silence from Felicity. Oliver wishes he could see her reaction. He's not disappointed.
"Well that one is definitely new," she comments, unsurprised. "May I ask of what?"
Oliver can tell Jessica has been taken aback too by Felicity's very unemotional response.
"Cancer," she babbles. "Liver. I've started chemo a month ago."
To Oliver's complete surprise, Felicity doesn't sound remotely moved.
"Interesting. How do you even pay for that? I doubt that your undeclared waitressing jobs cover your medical care."
"Jamie has been helping me — he has a little money. He's my boyfriend, a good guy this one…"
"Yeah, I'm sure. How much?"
"What?"
"How much do you need? To cure you of the incurable liver cancer?"
"Baby…"
Felicity cackles mercilessly.
"Do you even know what I majored in at M.I.T?" But she doesn't wait for Jessica's words. "In computer science. I'm a hacker, mom and I've had access to your medical records for years. You don't have liver cancer."
Oliver closes his eyes, his head falling in his palms, his heart hurting for Felicity's.
"Baby…" Jessica repeats, pleadingly.
Oliver's fists tighten, and it takes all his energy to let Felicity deal with her mother on her own. Can't the woman fucking call her daughter with the name that she gave her? Why does she have to baby her?
"You must be really desperate to break into my apartment and not even take the time to set up your fake dying story. You've lost your edge. Come on, answer. How much do you need?"
He hears Felicity stand, ruffling through stuff in her purse obviously looking for her checkbook.
"I'm all ears. A thousand? Three? Ten? Fifty? How much do you owe Jamie the good guy?"
"You don't have fifty grand," Jessica surrenders. Oliver barely hears her voice, covered in genuine shame.
"Ha no but my boyfriend does, doesn't he?" And there it is, behind the ice. The hurt, the anger, the self-loathing. Her resolve is crumbling. "Isn't that why you're here? Because Aaron came crying on his mother's shoulder that big bad Felicity dumped him for a bigger fish?"
Is that what she's been so worried about all along? That her family would come after his money? Is that why she tried to stay away from him, why she never told her mother that she was working for him? He can't bring himself to believe that. He's sure that Felicity didn't tell her mom because she didn't think she'd care, or because she'd have to hear her judgment.
"Why else would you break your engagement to Aaron?"
"Ha. Yes." Oliver didn't know these two little words could be loaded with so much pain. "I forgot, it's the Tony-Smoak-way. You don't break off an engagement because you realize you made a mistake, you do it because you can get access to more money. How did that work out for you? Was dad everything you wanted and more?"
He hears the sound of ripping paper as Felicity tears the check away from its book.
"Don't say his name," Jessica repeats in a broken voice.
"You're pathetic, mom," Felicity says but it's not her loud voice, it's a defeated one that Oliver's never heard from her. It's like she still wishes the words were going to shake some sense into her mom. "You've ruined your life and mine for him, and you're not still learning twenty years later, paying off your boyfriend's debt like it's going to make him stay!"
"You don't know what you're talking about!" her mother protests.
"They never stay, mom!" Felicity insists. "They just don't! They don't stay because you have a baby with them or because you have a ring on your finger and they won't stay because you paid them off with your daughter's money either."
"You think you've got everything figured out," Jessica exclaims, but it's not an accusation. It's not even intended to hurt Felicity. It's resignation. It's motherly advice and it makes Oliver want to vomit. "Just because you've climbed the social ladder doesn't mean you won't come crashing down. I don't wish you that, but I know it's going to happen. You're all young and pretty and you clean up well with the princess dresses that he pays for. Wait until he realizes that you can take the girl out of the trash but that you can't take the trash out of the girl. Then we'll see if we're so different and if you're not willing to do anything to keep him."
Oliver shoots up, his hand closing on the door handle, ready to barge in and rip that evil woman apart, when Felicity answers on an eerily even tone that freezes him on the spot.
"Well I don't know about you but I feel like that wonderful advice was worth fifty grand. Here. Feel free to cash it in whenever."
"I didn't do this to hurt you, you have to know that… You can't understand…"
"No I can't. I'm not even going to try."
"It's… You've always been so strong, so much like him…"
"Don't!" Felicity spits, anger and rage and loathing dripping from every syllable by now. "Don't call me trash one second and the strongest one the next. Just get the hell out of my life and don't you dare ever show your face because I'll make you regret it." There's no mistaking the threat in Felicity's voice. Oliver doesn't need to see her to know how dead serious she is. "You might not know it but I have the means to ruin you beyond your beliefs. I will be my father's daughter that way."
Oliver doesn't hear anything for a few seconds, to the point that he's convinced that Felicity has scared her mother off. But then he hears the woman's small broken voice.
"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for…"
"I don't care. Get. Out."
He hears Jessica Smoak rush away in the hall followed by the sound of the door shutting so loud behind her that the walls shake and Oliver hesitates for a second. Felicity will be angry. She'll be angry and hurt and lost and she's going to take it out on him because he's there, because he stayed, because she might have decided that she wouldn't show her mother how much her words affected her but Oliver knows that she believed and took to heart every single one of them.
In fifteen short minutes, Jessica Smoak has managed to ruin four years of personal development for Felicity. Four years of getting that amazing woman out of her shell, four years of friendship and redefinition of what being a family means, four years of happiness devastated with ten sentences and fifty grand. Even the invincible Slade Wilson didn't manage to tear Felicity Smoak apart.
But Felicity never backed down and never stopped believing in him, not when he ran away to his purgatory, not even when Slade Wilson was ripping everything away from him. So Oliver guesses it's time for payback. To show her that she's wrong. Men don't always leave.
At least he won't.
Oliver steps out of the room tentatively, freaked out by the quietness that has settled in the small apartment. When he reaches the living room, he finds Felicity sitting on the edge of her couch, sipping on a full glass of red wine. The bottle was already opened — probably the one her mother had taken while she waited for her daughter.
She's staring off in space and jumps as she hears him enter the room. She looks like she had forgotten that he was even here, and rolls her eyes in shame.
"If you've come to pity me, the door is that way," she scoffs.
So. Angry and hurt it is. At least she's not crying. Yet.
Oliver shrugs and goes to get another glass from the cupboard in the kitchen. He spots what must have been Jessica's in the trash close to the sink, but doesn't comment on it.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks, grabbing the bottle and pouring himself a glass.
"Talk about what? My mom being the worst con artist ever? No. I could use some space however."
"Yeah, that's not going to happen," he answers, taking a sip like he doesn't have a care in the world.
Deep down though, he's extremely aware of how much of a thin line he's walking on. Her eyes flash up in irritation, her jaw clenching.
"Fine. It's just a matter of time anyway."
"A matter of time until what? Until I split?"
"Well you heard the woman. I'm trash in a princess dress. You better open your eyes now before it's too late."
And there it is. "Don't tell her you love her. She won't believe you. Show her. Convince her." How is he supposed to do that if she won't fucking look?
"None of what she told you was true, Felicity," he counters softly. "She can't even say your name."
Felicity's eyes fly to meet his in surprise and bitterness. She looks like she has no fight left in her, like she can't deal with anything else and that scares him because Oliver has never seen her like this.
"You've noticed?" she asks cynically. "I think that was what I was supposed to be for her, for them. Their felicity. How ironic that I turned out to be the worst thing to ever happen to both of them, huh? Serves them right."
"Well, I for one am really happy that you exist, trust me."
But she snorts, taking another sip from her glass.
"I come in handy sometimes, don't I? Arranging your schedule and hacking into the mainframes of a few federal prisons for Green Arrow. You couldn't do any of it without me, could you?"
"Funny, I thought I was the only one who could throw himself massive pity-parties."
If looks could kill… Damn she can be scarier than him when she puts her mind to it.
"If you don't want to be here, Oliver, no one is keeping you. I showed you the door and I didn't tell you to stay."
"Is that what you want? Do you want me to walk out that door so I can validate your idea that men always leave?"
Felicity clenches her jaw and drops her glass on the table in front of her angrily. When she stands up, she rolls her eyes and it pisses him off as much as when she throws her ridiculous motto of "her life her choice" at him.
"Oh stop with the stupid hero act, Oliver! You and I both know it's never going to work out!"
It's like a punch in his stomach that makes him want to throw up and he has to remind himself that he knew what he was getting into by staying, eavesdropping and going to confront her. At least, he'll know exactly the extent of her lack of trust.
And he can fucking stay.
"Is that your way of pushing me away? Because I'm not leaving!"
But Felicity laughs at his face like she laughed at her mother's and it hurts way more than he ever thought it would.
"Come on, Oliver I'm not stupid! How long until one of your enemies shows up at the foundry and targets me and you are crushed with guilt? How long until I get another variation of your wonderful self-righteous speech about how you can't handle being with me because of the life that you lead? How long until you act all noble and tortured-hero-like and tell me that I'm too good for you and that you can't tame my purity or whatever bullshit you're going to come up with?"
Damn she knows him well. He can't believe that she took that stupid speech after Russia so seriously. He'd just come back from Lian Yu. He really couldn't handle being with her then, and she knew it. He's never stopped to think that the barriers he tried to set up had been so efficient for her when they'd been so ridiculously useless where he's concerned.
"It's not going to happen!" Oliver grunts out, annoyed that he doesn't know how else to convince her. "I told you four months ago, right outside that door that I wasn't confused. Nothing has changed for me. I'm not backing out."
But exactly like Diggle told him months ago, Felicity isn't convinced. She goes back to grab her glass of wine and gulps it down, but Oliver snatches it away from her before she can pour herself another one. She can handle this sober, he knows it. Felicity looks away and takes a step back but Oliver doesn't plan on letting her have time to think of ways to escape this conversation — to escape him, them.
He seizes her wrist gently and takes it as a victory when she doesn't shake it away from him.
"I'm staying, Felicity! I'm not leaving end of story," he says slowly. "I'm not dumping you, and I'm not leaving. Yes, I'm terrified that you become a target. I'm probably going to lose it if it ever happens, but I'm not going to dump you because... It's too late, okay? I'm in too deep and there's no going back. Even if I sent you on the other side of the planet, I couldn't take it if anything happened to you."
Felicity bites her lips. She's listening. He's getting through to her, he can feel it.
"And yes, I can't even think about you losing your innocence because of that quest but… Your life, your choice, right?" He can't believe he's using her motto against her, but for god's sake he doesn't even know how to prove to her that he's not going anywhere. "As long as I'm your choice, I'm here to stay. Because let's be honest last year when you were dating Aaron I couldn't handle the thought of losing you to him, to a normal life. I'm selfish like that…"
"I hate that life," Felicity grumbles, her throat tight. The tears that don't show in her eyes are stuck in the back of her mouth.
He can't help a hopeful smile.
"Good. Me too."
Felicity closes her eyes, and he knows she's thinking his words through, looking for flaws.
"I'm all in, Felicity," he tells her, tugging at her wrist, making her step closer to him.
"Don't say that," she breathes out, terrified.
"Why? Because you won't believe it's true?"
She shakes her head, but it's not a no, it's her looking for other ways to push him away. She bites her lips and takes a step back.
"She's right you know, I can dress up all I want but I don't fit in your world. I babble too much, say the wrong thing and stumble on my own feet…"
If he could, he would sigh in relief. If that's the best she can do, they should be fine sooner than he expected.
"My world is the basement of a foundry that you've renovated and arranged. It's not horrible galas and CEO crap. Trust me, you fit in way more at any of these events than I ever will since the island. Your mom was wrong, Felicity. There's no way you're trash. You have more class than most women at these galas ever will. And you have everyone wrapped around your finger at QC."
Felicity gulps and takes a step back but Oliver follows her pace.
"You don't get it, Oliver she's not completely wrong."
"Yes, she is. She doesn't know you. I do. I know you and you're nothing like your mother."
"Yes! You are to me what my father was to her. You're my everything! My life starts and ends with you! There's no part of my life that you don't belong into!"
"What?"
Oliver is so surprised he lets go of her wrist and Felicity takes the opportunity to move away from him, put some distance between them, her hands flying to her hair to run through it endlessly, messing her beautiful hairdo in the process. She looks lost in her own head, playing her mother's words and twisting them in her mind.
Her voice waivers and trembles — she's spiraling and he doesn't know how to stop her.
"You… My job, both of them… they're with you. I wake up to go to work with you, I go to bed with you, I spend my day with you, I don't have friends that don't know you… You make me happy everyday and that means that you have the power to take it away too! The day you decide it's over…"
"It's not going to happen!" he cuts, but she doesn't hear it.
"That day I lose everything. Do you have any idea what that feels like? Because I've never had much to lose before and I… I just… I can't…"
Oliver opens his mouth and blinks, feeling like he can't breathe.
"What are you saying?"
There they are. The tears he's been dreading. They're filling her eyes up and he's shocked to feel some gathering in his own tightened throat.
"Do you want to stop, Felicity?"
He can't believe this is it. He can't believe he's had it all and she's going to mess things up and give up on him now when they can be so happy.
But she looks up at the ceiling and her lip wobbles and he understands. It's another tactic to push him a way. It's another way to see if she can convince him to get out while he still can. Isn't she tired of giving him outs that he's not remotely interested in?
"Do you?" she deflects.
"No," he declares forcefully. "No, I don't want to stop. No, I'm not leaving unless you tell me you're done with us. Are you done with us?"
If he can hear the pleading in his own voice, he has to believe that Felicity hears it too and believes how genuinely scared he is. And she apparently does. Because next thing he knows, Felicity blinks and shakes her head and this time it's a very expressive no. His heart unclenches, freeing his lungs at the same time and Oliver is overwhelmed with relief.
"Good," he comments, like he didn't just stop living for a second.
She has managed not to let the tears come out of her eyes, but she's shaking a little and Oliver finds himself drained emotionally. He rubs a hand over his face in exhaustion, wondering what the hell is supposed to happen now.
"Is there anything else you want to say?" he asks.
Might as well get it over with. But Felicity shakes her head no once more, prompting a nod from Oliver.
"Okay, then how about we go to bed? I don't know about you but I feel pretty tired."
She stares at him incredulously, like she still can't believe he hasn't gone, and isn't planning on giving her space she doesn't want. He's taken her aback, surprised her once more and it pains him to realize that she won't believe that he's as unwilling to let go of them as she is.
But considering his behavior over the past four years, and considering the shitty parents that she had and her previous boyfriends using her insecurities to their advantage, he guesses he can't exactly blame her.
He holds out his hand for her to take. Felicity stares at it for a second before moving to slip her hand in his, and Oliver doesn't wait to tug her against his chest. She crashes against him, suddenly crying and Oliver is relieved to see that she's finally letting loose. His arms tighten around her, his lips going to kiss the top of her head as he lets her scent surround him and appease him.
"I'm not leaving," he repeats, hoping that it fully sinks in this time. "I love you."
He knows she hears him because she clings to his shirt and gets even closer to him. She's still not ready to say it back. Okay, whatever, he can deal with that. He can sort of read between the lines. Telling him that he's everything to her, that has to top an I love you too, doesn't it? He'll take what he can get.
Eventually she walks out of his embrace and wipes the tears away with her palms.
"I'm sorry," she whispers, her eyes avoiding his in shame.
Oliver shakes his head, his fingers coming to cup her chin and force her to meet his stare.
"Don't be. Believe it or not, I know how you feel. I've experienced first hand what it is to contemplate losing you. You have seen me very poorly handling it last year. That's why you didn't tell me about your engagement wasn't it?"
Felicity's eyes fill with shock and horror. She hadn't connected her mother's sentence and the fact that he was in the next room hearing the whole thing.
"Don't beat yourself up," he smiles. "I already knew. Why do you think I'm so jealous of Aaron?"
She frowns and leans back in surprise.
"You knew? How? Since when?"
Oliver gulps and shrugs.
"Diggle told me the night you broke up with Aaron."
If Felicity had been angry and hurt before, she is now freaking out.
"Diggle knows? How did he know? I didn't tell anyone!"
"You forgot to take the ring off, once."
She looks away searchingly, raking her memory and Oliver knows when it dawns on her.
"That morning when we were looking for that kid. I was so distracted…"
"That you forgot to hide that you were getting married?"
Felicity half-shrugs sheepishly. "I panicked."
"You panicked when you said yes or you panicked when you realized you had to tell us?" he presses, and he knows full well how much of a jealous boyfriend he sounds like.
"I said yes because you and Diggle were pushing me away, Oliver. It was the night I forgot about his party for his firm and you'd been a dick to me for a few weeks then. You guys were going around behind my back and I thought it was only a matter of time before Team Arrow cut me loose."
"He proposed that night?" he repeats, because of course that's the most important thing to focus on. The fact that she's so insecure because he's always pushed her away instead of pulling her in is apparently not the first thing he reacts to.
Felicity's leveling glare makes him wince.
"That's all you got from that?"
But her eyes are still wet so she's much less scary than she was barely five minutes ago. Oliver's arms drop to his sides, and soon his hands are shoved deep in his pockets as he looks away.
"Well yes, it's not exactly news that I was an idiot for pushing you away. I thought I was doing you a favor. Aaron told me he was going to propose at some point and I…"
"He told you," she deadpans, clear disbelief in her voice. "When? At your secret 'let's plan Felicity's life' meetings?"
"When I brought you back after your irresponsible behavior with the Clock King. You were out, and we had a conversation."
"A conversation," she repeats, nodding in bafflement.
And he sees when everything clicks in Felicity's mind. His entire behavior all these weeks, all these months even, before Aaron finally called it quits. She frowns suddenly.
"You let me go to his father's funeral when you knew that I'd been engaged to him?"
"Why? I shouldn't have?" he asks, pushing his fists deeper into his pockets.
"No, I mean, that's… very mature. And trusting."
Oliver's eyes fly up to meet hers in a piercing gaze. He'd prefer it if she could hide the surprise in her tone but hey. At least she's praising him. Funny how she can keep defending him when she can't trust that he won't break her heart.
"You've never failed me. You've always trusted me even when I didn't trust myself. You believed in me for two for the longest time. I can believe in us for two right now."
He holds her closer to him and begins walking towards the bedroom. She lets him lead, her head against his chest.
They reach her bedroom and Oliver walks into the en suite bathroom to get ready. When he comes back, Felicity is sitting on her bed anxiously, biting the nail of her thumb. She's changed out of her dress into one of his white button-down shirts, and the sight of her in his clothing with her undone hair style makes him join her there faster.
When she comes back from her own trip to the bathroom, she looks as nervous as exhausted. What now?
"Come here, Felicity."
She doesn't need to be told twice and slides on her side of the bed but Oliver reaches for her instantly and gathers her against him. She can't help but entangle her legs with his and curl her fingers around his hand. These needy gestures are all that is keeping him together. He didn't lie when he said he could believe in them for two. But it's sometimes hard to remind himself that he knows that she loves him, that he has other proofs than the three words and that he has to earn it like he earned her trust, her faith and her respect.
His hand caresses her hair, his fingers dipping in the soft curls and soon enough, he feels Felicity relax against him.
To think that their night had been going so good… His plan had been to convince Felicity to accept to be officially a couple and then proceed to celebrate that news with tons of sex (on a comfortable surface for once).
Leave it to Jessica Smoak to screw everything up — her daughter included.
"You sure she won't come back?" he eventually asks.
Felicity barely tenses, then she shrugs.
"I don't think she will. I scared the shit out of her."
"I'm sorry for everything she said. I can't believe she tried to con you…"
"Well technically she tried to con you. She has no idea how much money I have on my accounts. She's not smart enough to think I might have invested the few bucks that I'd saved up."
Oliver can't hide his proud smirk. Felicity has explained to him how she won most of the hacking competitions her and her classmates from M.I.T threw at each other, and how a few of them had built their own startups already in college. She had a good instinct and made more money than Oliver imagined when he first met her. She's not a billionaire or anything, but she's self-sufficient and could stop working for a few years before running out of money.
"I can't believe my price is fifty grand," she thinks out loud and Oliver chuckles. There she is, his babbly I.T girl.
"I'd say how much I'd be willing to spend for you but that might not come off as romantic as I wished it would."
Now that has her laughing too. Good. For someone as funny as Felicity is, he's surprised that she doesn't laugh more.
"Thank you."
"For what?" he frowns.
"For not giving up on me."
"Don't thank me for that. It's no big deal — you're easy to love."
He feels her smile against his chest and readjust herself to get closer to him. Within a few minutes, Felicity has fallen asleep against him, crushed by the very emotional night. She looks like she is sinking in the mattress and melting into his skin, swallowed whole by the covers. There are no barriers when she sleeps. Her face shows her innocence and all the hope that she keeps within her to give out to others — Oliver wishes she'd use some of that hope on her.
He's relieved that he has managed to get through to her, even if it only sticks for a few days. He understands her fears. She doesn't realize what is at stake for him too. If he messes up, if she stops believing in him and longs for something else suddenly his own life as he knows it stops too. She has so much power over him and she doesn't even realize it.
She doesn't realize that she was never supposed to join the crusade. Him going back to her again and again… Oliver remembers Diggle giving him the side eye and a shake of his head every time he had to go get help from Felicity. She has been his magnet since the get go. Honestly, it was dumb of him to always go to the same person to ask for favors. He should have changed people often — it would have been exhausting, but manageable. The thing is, she found a way through his barriers and snuck up on him from the beginning.
Diggle was right. He couldn't deal with his feelings for her before and wouldn't acknowledge them because she is indeed his undoing. And she does have power over him in so many ways. She's basically the only person he listens to, that gets through to him. Diggle has stopped even trying sometimes, knowing exactly when to let Felicity speak up. She's also the heart of Team Arrow, the moral compass and the light that shines through Roy, Diggle and his own dark souls. She supports him at work at QC, guides him through the sinuous streets of Starling City and manages to cheer him up when he's down.
She can make him break his vow, she can make him lose his mind and she can undo him with a few words.
How can he make her see that?
The morning after, Oliver gets up earlier than Felicity. He trashes the bottle, cleans the apartment up and gets rid of any reminder of the fact that Jessica Smoak barged into Felicity's life to ruin her daughter. When Felicity finally gets up, he sees the relief color her face upon seeing him. She pours herself a cup of coffee before joining him on the couch.
"Hey," she murmurs.
"Hey. How did you sleep?"
"Okay, you?" she smiles awkwardly.
She still feels self-conscious about their fight from the night before. He can tell she's worried she's freaked him out by opening up that much and letting him see so many of her insecurities. Nine years ago, he would have been freaked out, probably scared away. But after five years of emotional and physical torture, after four years of spending his nights moonlighting as a vigilante, a few insecurities out of love is not about to make him run for the hills.
He's spent most of the night thinking over solutions to acknowledge Felicity's insecurities and soothe her worry. And now is as much as a good time to bring it up.
"I thought a lot, to be honest."
"Oh?" she asks, apprehension wrinkling her forehead, leaning away from him with dread. "About what?"
"About what you said. Look… If you're worried about not having a life outside of me, we can work on that…"
"The problem isn't that I don't have a life outside of you. It's that I don't want one."
He stares at her.
"Aaaaand I'm being a total creep."
"No, stop it come on!" Oliver chuckles. "I'm trying to be a good boyfriend and give you space. I… The truth is, I've kind of made your life all about me."
It's Felicity's turn to stare at him.
"You're not the only insecure one, you know. It might not have been deliberate on my part, but I can see how you feel like I'm everywhere, because when I realized that I wanted you, it was impossible to escape you."
"What are you talking about?"
"Well you managed to avoid me just fine after we slept together at QC but before then, after your breakup with Aaron you were kind of always there. Like, always. In a good way now but I was kind of struggling with myself then."
Felicity arches an incredulous eyebrow but he sees something sparkle in her eyes. He can't believe that opening up to her, that much, is working so well.
"So here's the thing. You know how you've been nagging me about doing more for the IT department and linking it to the Applied Sciences and how there are so many things we could research and invest in?"
"I haven't been nagging. Merely pointing it out…"
Oliver levels her with a dubious look that makes Felicity grimace.
"Do you want me to show you all the forwarded press releases that you've filled my emails with and the post-its that you buried my desk with?"
"Like you kept them," she snorts.
"Not the point. I want you to do a presentation with all your ideas. Basically, all you think QC should focus on? Select a few fantasies that might be affordable by someone other than the NSA and if you convince the board to create a new department, I think they'll want you as head of it."
Felicity's eyes widen when she takes in the implication.
"What? But what about our nightly activities? The ones of the green kind, obviously… You said that you didn't want eighteen floors between us!"
"Well I guess I can find a way to set you up to be on the floor right below mine."
"That means moving Alston's department."
"Really? I didn't even think of that," he answers with a cunning smile that lets her know how much of a silver lining this actually was when he first thought about it.
She stays completely quiet, her mouth opened in shock, and he takes the opportunity to tuck a stray curl behind her ear.
"Look, I'm not making any promises but it's worth a try. You'll have your own thing and hopefully you won't feel like I can take everything away from you. See it that way: if you break up with me, you'll have something other than 'fake assistant' on your resume."
"Oliver…"
"Of course, all of this is up to you. I didn't give you a choice when I made you my E.A and… well sorry about that I guess."
A shy smile breaks on Felicity's face and finally, Oliver recognizes the girl in front of him. The girl who would never take no for an answer, the girl who never stops fighting, the girl who picks herself up and dusts herself off and gets back in the saddle even when she's crushed with sadness and hurt. He finds himself mirroring her reaction, and almost doesn't go with the rest of his plan.
"Is that a yes?" he presses.
"Yes," she breathes.
"Great, now next order of business."
Felicity tilts her head in surprise but Oliver doesn't give her time to let a word out. He's going to lose his momentum and his courage if he shuts up now.
"So I'm not leaving, we've settled that. Apparently you're not giving up on me so I'd say we're on the right track."
"Right track?"
"Hear me out. You're worried that you have too much at stake if I split. I'm terrified that you'll remember that I basically used to be a killer with…"
"Oliver, no…" she pleads, like he knew she would.
So he's supposed to believe that she doesn't care that he was a killer but he's supposed to stop loving her just because? Bullshit.
"Anyway. I'll add for the sake of the argument that I'm kind of concerned with the fact that your mom has found a way to get into your apartment so easily, that I don't trust that she won't come back, and that you're basically still living in the apartment that you inhabited with your ex-fiancé…"
He watches as Felicity catches up with his trail of thought, and how her eyes bug out of her face.
"Are you asking me to move in with you?" she articulates, utter disbelief in every syllable.
"Well, I'm kind of sick of sleeping on a cot and I plan on spending the rest of my life with you so… Yeah. We could find a place between QC and Verdant with both our names on the lease. Even ground."
There's the longest moment of surprised silence before Felicity starts speaking again.
"Isn't it too soon?"
Oliver shrugs. He can't believe he's reached the point where he's less nervous about the idea of living with a girl than asking her if she wants to move in with him.
"We've known each other for four years. And that way, you'll know if I'm worth the headache. Maybe you'll realize that you liked me better as a friend you could ogle mercilessly while he worked out."
Felicity can't help looking at his abs, a wide smirk spreading her lips. He notices the hunger in her eyes and it's a testament to his self-control that he doesn't take her right there. If she wants control, he'll give her control over their relationship.
"And okay, we can not tell anyone if you're not ready. I'll wait until you give the all clear."
"Wouldn't it be ridiculous if we live together?" Felicity counters.
"You didn't exactly say yes to that. If you did though, I don't think it would be ridiculous and that it'd change a lot of our current routine. Let's be honest, there's no way we're getting at QC at the same time. Ever. No one would see the difference: you'd still be there way earlier than me, going with your car and we'd leave around the same time separately. And you can keep your apartment for as long as you like. That way if you feel… anything, unhappy, overwhelmed, angry, like you need space or something… you can come back."
He knows she can afford paying her rent and adding half of one with him. He's not even going to offer to pay for the whole thing, that would completely crush all his effort. She wants him to treat her as his equal, as his partner. That's his way of showing her that he can do that. That they can work.
Felicity bites her thumb nail worriedly and stays quiet for the longest time, to the point where Oliver finds it tougher and tougher to appear relaxed and like he doesn't care if she says no. He cares. A fucking lot.
"Okay," she agrees eventually.
He can't hold back the sigh of relief that escapes him, one that Felicity definitely notices. He sees something in her eyes that wasn't there before. As if, finally, she was piecing his behavior together and liking the way the puzzle was looking out. He feels pride for thinking this through.
"I'll keep that apartment but we can look for a place for the two of us. A place that Aaron has never lived in."
Ha. He's transparent about that. Well, good for him, at least that gets things done. Which leaves one topic that he had absolutely not planned on broaching.
"I'm going to need to know how he proposed, you know."
"Why?" Felicity asks wearily.
"So that I don't do the same when I propose."
"Woooah, Oliver slow down…" Felicity exclaims, standing up and pushing her glasses up her nose.
"I'm not saying now! But you know, down the line…"
"Why, because Aaron beat you to it?" she rolls her eyes.
Well, maybe 1% but Oliver is not stupid enough to tell her that.
"No, because I love you and I just told you I wanted to spend my life with you. So first we move in together, then you tell everyone we know that we're in a relationship, and depending on how long that takes, we'll see where we stand on the proposal thing. But there's no way I'm doing it like Aaron did."
"Trust me, there really is no way you can do it the way he did," Felicity snorts.
Oliver doesn't pout because he's a grown up man. It's not a pout. It's… It's a manly reaction of something that is definitely not a pout.
"What, he took you to the Eiffel Tower or something?" Oliver grumbles.
This earns him a look that floats between condescension and amusement.
"Yes, Oliver, Aaron the junior lawyer took me to Paris after a gigantic fight because I almost stood him up just so he could propose to me."
"He proposed when you were fighting?" Oliver presses. "But we fight so often!"
"Oliver stop! The way Aaron proposed is none of your business but if we move into another apartment I can guarantee you that it will be different."
"He proposed to you here?" Oliver understands and there's a new gigantic spark, scratch that, flame of jealousy that bursts in his chest. "Urgh. You're right, we need to move out now."
Felicity's smirk is most definitely amused now.
"Oliver, you're being ridiculous."
"No I'm not. It's perfectly reasonable to be jealous of a guy that you contemplated marrying."
"I didn't! Oliver I told literally no one that I was getting married! I didn't think I could ever be with you and I loved Aaron then."
He hates, hates, HATES that she manages to say that she loved Aaron to his face. Felicity interprets his somber face as him pouting and sighs in relent.
"I wasn't in love with him, I know that now but I thought I was."
Oliver can't handle the giddiness that spreads in his chest. She has to mean that she's in love with him, now, right? She can't just be saying it for the sake of it, right? How old is he, fifteen? Oliver tries to get a grip and focus on what Felicity keeps on saying.
"And he kind of proposed by accident, he was yelling that I wasn't making enough time for him and always picked up the phone for you, and then he kept insisting that he wanted us to be more and more serious and… in hindsight, I think we were doomed from the get go. It didn't even broach my mind one second, the idea of marriage with him. And then he was going through his luggage in my room which was his hideout for the ring. There. None of your business but you have it. Will you let it go now?"
Oliver is so thrown off that she relented and revealed the proposal that he doesn't know where to start.
"He proposed in the bedroom?" he eventually asks, his finger pointing at the wall, because let's be honest, he's a jealous Neanderthal. "That bedroom? The one that we have a lot of sex in?"
Felicity rolls her eyes and crosses her arms over her chest.
"No, the other one where we never have sex because it's now a shrine for my still burning relationship with Aaron."
Oliver glares at her murderously.
"Oliver, I'm completely done with him. I didn't talk to him for seven months before he called me for support. If anything, he's always been jealous of our relationship, even before we started dating!"
That brings a diabolical smirk on Oliver's face as he thinks back about all the texts he sent Felicity and how he always demanded more attention from her to mess with Aaron and how happy he is that it was so efficient — but he knows better than to comment.
"Did it broach your mind?" he queries, because deep down he has as many issues as Felicity.
"Did what broach my mind?" she replies, walking to the kitchen with tranquility.
"Marrying me."
Her eyes fly up to meet his over the bar, and the look of deer caught in headlights quickly followed by a deep blush is all the answer he needs. The giddiness comes back, pulling his lips in a self-satisfied smirk.
"Let's go hunt for apartments," he says happily.
Felicity rolls her eyes, trying to hide her blush and her annoyance at being so transparent.
"But first, just for my sake, we need to have even more sex in that bedroom of yours. Since you're not going to tell me exactly where it happened and I'm not sure I want to know, we'll just have to do it on every surface."
He throws her over his shoulder and she can't help a disbelieving yet happy laugh.
"You're kidding right?"
He's absolutely not kidding. At all. Turns out there are way more surfaces than Oliver ever thought there'd be.
[NEXT: Part Four – Oliver's POV]
Author's Note: Hopefully the big showdown wasn't too much of a disappointment and everyone's insecurities are now clear. Next and last part will be the way slowly Felicity lets go of her insecurities to get the three words out and Oliver realizing that he's not willing to hear it at any cost.
Thank you so much for reading! I look forward to hearing your thoughts!