Sword and the City Rewrite (Part III)
Disclaimer: I don't own Charmed or any of the characters… although, I really wish I did own at least a certain slightly neurotic, but charmingly adorable future Whitelighter. Unfortunately they belong to someone else. So does the episode Sword and the City.
Author's Note: This was a little wild hare of mine… and I just had to get it out. The episode Sword and the City originally ran in Season 6 of Charmed… one of only two episodes that season that didn't have Chris in it. I figured, there must have been some reason for it, right? Anyway, here's my altered version. The first few parts are basically transcripts from the show, but there are differences as it goes on. Promise! I hope you enjoy it.
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Phoebe rubs her temples as she sits behind her desk at the Bay Mirror. There is a massive amount of clutter upon the desk. A woman walks in, placing a manila folder on the desk atop a leaning pile of letters.
"Reponses to last week's column," the woman says.
Phoebe looks up at her, "How'd you get into my email?"
"Your email account is maxed out, so your fans are using ours," the woman answers.
Phoebe makes a face, taking the envelope and looking at it, "Oh, I tell you, Elise better find me a new assistant because pretty soon she's gonna have to ask Phoebe to take my foot out of her…" the phone rings, cutting off the rest of what Phoebe was going to say. The woman that brought the envelope slips out while Phoebe searches for her phone beneath the piles of papers on her desk. "Hello, Phoebe Halliwell. Oh, hey Laura."
Phoebe picks up her date book, "Uh, I have that down for…" She opens it and looks inside, then makes a face, "This morning. Oh my God, I missed it. I'm so sorry. No, of course I can reschedule, absolutely." The sound of someone clearing their throat draws Phoebe's attention. She looks up to see Paige in her doorway. "Actually, Laura, can I call you back when I have my book in front of me? Okay, great, I'm so sorry. Thanks. Bye." Phoebe hangs up and buries her head in her hands, "Hi. I thought you had a new temp job today."
"I do," Paige says.
"Why aren't you there?" Phoebe asks, her head still held in her hands.
"Apparently I am."
Phoebe looks up, "What? Here?"
Paige nods, "Yep."
"As my assistant?"
"Well, I think I prefer being called your desk manager," Paige says.
Phoebe pauses, "Wait, I thought you get all of your temp jobs for divine reasons."
Paige affirms, "Usually I do."
"Yeah, but I don't need divine help," Phoebe says, "I need filing and faxing and desk management help."
Paige smiles, "I'm your girl. I really am. We'll just, you know, see if the divine stuff kind of appears later. Usually does."
"Yeah, but I can't tell you what to do," Phoebe says, "I mean, how weird is that?"
Paige raises an eyebrow, "Well, it's no weirder than usual."
"Oh, I see," Phoebe says.
Paige laughs, reassuringly, "Just kidding, sort of. Listen, you get back to your column, I will call Laura and reschedule, I will…" Paige picks up a large stack of messages, "Help… stuff."
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In the Manor's Laundry room, Piper is looking at the washing machine with a feeling of hopelessness. It's making a terrible noise as soap suds come out of it. Piper shakes her head, putting down the useless monkey wrench and yanks the plug from the wall.
"Perfect," Piper grumbles, feeling rather like she'll never get through her 'to do' list at this rate. Things certainly don't appear to be going in her favor. She walks out of the laundry room, moving into the kitchen where a pot is boiling over. Piper mutters inwardly as she cleans up the mess that has been created.
"Hey, lady," a male voice calls out to her.
Piper turns around, looking around the bench to see one of the seven dwarfs standing there.
"We could really use an authority figure out there," the dwarf suggests.
"What are you doing here?" Piper asks.
"What am I doing here? I'm getting pushed around. I just lost my place in line," the dwarf answers.
Piper looks puzzled, "What line?"
The dwarf walks out of the kitchen with Piper following hastily after him, intent on getting to the bottom of this. Piper is led back into the Conservatory where creatures of all shapes and sizes are standing in a line behind the sword and stone. A woman is trying to pull the sword out but it doesn't budge. She gives up as the next in line has a go.
Piper stares in shock, "What is this?"
"Natural selection," the dwarf answers, "Naturally I hope the sword selects me to be kind. Finally get a little respect around here." He is met by laughter from the other creatures.
"You people, you creatures, whatever, you can't be here, you gotta go," Piper says.
"We have a divine right to try our hand," the Ogre announces.
Piper waves her hand in front of her face at the horrible stench that wafts from the Ogre, "Wow."
"Yeah. Ten feet is pretty much the distance," the dwarf says.
"Back of the line, please. Hoof it, sister!" another creature orders.
"Chris!" Piper shouts, "Chris! Get down here." Rather than Chris orbing in, Leo does and Piper stares at him, "Where's Chris?"
Leo answers with a simple, "Busy." He looks around at the gathered magical creatures then to Piper, "What's going on?"
Piper doesn't answer, annoyed, "Busy with what?"
Leo answers, "Other charges. I…" Chris orbs in and Leo glares at the young whitelighter, "…took him off your account again. Chris, what are you doing here?"
"I told you before Leo, I'm only here because of Wyatt and the sisters. I don't have time for…" Chris cuts off as he notices the sword and stone and his breath catches in his throat. Sage-green eyes widen, "Wh… is… I mean… get… get rid of it!" So shocked by seeing the sword and stone in the middle of the conservatory he's lost his impervious mask. In fact, the expression on his face is very close to panicked. "Mo… Piper, where… when… where did this come from?" He swallows, trying to get a handle on himself. He'd almost slipped. Almost called her 'mom'. His mother and the sword in the same room together… the last time that had…
Piper looks at Leo oddly, "Our account?" When Chris orbs in, she brushes past Leo and looks glad to see him for once. Never mind that he had apparently disobeyed whatever Leo had intended for him today. "Great, Chris! There you are. Where? The Lady in the Lake. This morning. And you look about as thrilled to see it as I am. Would you get rid of it?"
Leo scowls at Chris, "You and I need to talk later." Hearing Piper's words, Leo actually appears to notice the sword for the first time. It's enough to get him to let Chris off the hook for the moment. "Whoa, is that what I think it is?"
Piper shakes her head, "No, no, it's not, okay. Now look, you gotta get all these people out of here because I can't do this right now."
Some of the color drains from Chris's face as he stares at the sword. Leo takes a few steps towards Excalibur and reaches for it.
One of the creatures growls at Leo, "Hey, hey! No cuts, buddy."
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Phoebe walks out of a room at The Bay Mirror, "Hey."
A woman looks up at Phoebe and questions, "How was the staff meeting?"
"Endless. How's my new assistant working out?" Phoebe asks.
"Oh, she put a fire under the interns, that's for sure," the woman responds.
"Really?" Phoebe asks, heading towards her office.
Inside Phoebe's office, Paige is sitting at the desk. A miraculously clean and orderly desk. There are three guys sitting on front of the desk, listening to Paige. "Okay, who can help me with that?" All three of the interns raise their hands and Paige points to one selecting him. "Great. You got it. And what about collating and cross referencing?" Two raise their hands. "You, and so, you would have data basing," Paige says delegating out the work, "Alright. Great, you boys have your marching orders, I will check back with you in a couple of hours."
Phoebe stands in the doorway, watching and impressed. The three guys get up and leave the room, passing by Phoebe on her way in. "Wow, who works here?" Phoebe asks as she gestures to her tidy desk.
"You do," Paige responds, smiling proudly, "Who rocks? That would be me. By the end of the day we're gonna have a system in place that tracks your column ideas, your columns written and your columns considered, plus a separate file for you questions, comments and fan mail."
Phoebe shakes her head, "I can't believe it."
"Well, believe it because you my dear, are never going to miss anything again," Paige stands up, letting Phoebe sit down.
"That's good."
"It is good news because you my dear, need to concentrate," Paige says.
"Yes, I do."
"Yes, you do. Starting with tomorrow's column," Paige says.
Phoebe looks at her, "I already wrote tomorrow's column."
"Yeah, you did."
Phoebe raises an eyebrow, questioning, "Uh, is there a problem with it?"
Paige answers, "Well, I mean, I'm no expert but I was just thinking about this one question. Okay, the girl's family wants her to break up with him because they think he's an alcoholic and absent of any proof you're telling her to end it."
"Well, you know, not really end it, just slow it down a bit," Phoebe says.
"Okay, but slowing it down by not seeing each other is in affect ending it," Paige says.
Phoebe says automatically, "I just think you should keep your eyes open."
"Keep my eyes open?" Paige asks.
Phoebe blinks, trying to correct her slip, "I.. I mean I think that she should keep her eyes open. You know what I mean."
"Yeah. This column's about Richard and I, isn't it?"
"No, it's not about Richard," Phoebe says, lying horribly, "Don't be ridiculous."
"You hate him," Paige says, "I can tell and what's worse, he can tell."
"Look, Paige, if you're sensing anything from me, it's just concern. I'm concerned you're falling too fast for a guy you barely know. But it's none of my business."
"You're right," Paige says tersely, "It's not any of your business."
Leo orbs in, disrupting the argument, "Hey, Piper needs your help now."
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Inside the Conservatory a tiny fairy is trying to pull the sword out of the stone while Piper and Chris watch. The oldest Charmed sister and the young whitelighter are both standing with their arms crossed in front of themselves in a curiously similar stance. Piper's expression looks annoyed, while Chris's looks increasingly more worried. The fairy is flung away from the sword by the ogre, sending the fairy flying across the room.
"Pest," the Ogre mutters at the fairy before trying to pull the sword out himself.
Phoebe, Paige and Leo orb into the room.
Phoebe's eyes widen as she looks at the gathered crowd trying to draw the sword free, "Oh, my."
Paige stares as well, "I was afraid this would happen."
Piper gives Paige a look, "Do you think you could have mentioned that?"
Phoebe moves over to her sister, "And they won't leave?"
Piper shakes her head, "Oh, no, no. More show up every minute."
"But no bad guys yet, right?" Paige asks.
Phoebe makes a face, waving her hand in front of her face, "What is that stench? What is that stench?"
Piper rubs her temples, "We gotta get this thing out of the manor."
Chris chimes in, agreeing rather quickly, "I think that sounds like a terrific idea. We'll get it out of here."
Leo shakes his head, "Hey, the Lady of the Lake came to the Charmed Ones for help. I'm not messing with that."
"If he won't get rid of it, then I will!" Chris says, moving away from the sisters and Leo and heading towards the sword. He doesn't really want to get close to it, much less touch it to orb it away, but it beats having it in the Manor. Before Leo can stop him, or anyone else for that matter, Chris has his hands on the hilt of the sword, intent on orbing it away. The sword gleams, sliding effortlessly out of the stone and sending Chris staggering backwards with it in his hands.
A golden glow wraps around the sword, while gleaming filigree script swirls about the blade and settles into it. Chris stares at it with over-wide green eyes and complete shock. Phoebe lets out a quiet gasp.
One of the creatures speaks up, "Your Majesty."
"Wow," is the only word that Piper can manage.
The creatures around the room begin to kneel or spread into deep curtseys, all looking towards Chris. Everyone in the room is shocked, but no one so much as the young man holding the sword. Although, horrified, would probably be a better term for the expression that is etched into Chris's face. Chris drops the sword, his hands releasing the blade as though it were a venomous serpent.
"I… uh, no…" Chris says, letting out a faint nervous laugh, "Not possible… not… it's not meant for… I mean it belongs to…" The young man from the future flounders for words, swallowing hard and finally deciding on the good old reliable, "Future Consequences!" He desperately looks towards the sisters, "Piper!" Chris takes a step back away from the sword that now lies on the floor at his feet. It starts to slide towards him and Chris actually flinches. Looking now to the kneeling creatures, "Out, all of you out!"
The creatures rise, beginning to start out of the room, but at the same time Leo and the sisters start to leave too at the command.
"Not you!" Chris says, stopping Leo and the sisters, "Them!" The sword does slide towards him now, and Chris bends to grab it quickly. He looks like he would rather be anywhere but right there, holding the sword at that moment. Hastily, Chris jams it back into the stone, shaken, "I can't deal with this. I've gotta go." Chris orbs out as soon as the sword is secured in the stone again.
Piper, Paige, Phoebe and Leo continue to stare at the sword and the stone, and where Chris had only been a moment before. Piper opens her mouth to say something, but no words come out. The magical creatures have stopped again, not all of them have left, now watching to see what the Charmed Ones are going to do.
"D… did that just happen?" Paige asks, "Future boy just pulled Excalibur out of the stone and left?" Paige cautiously walks back over to the sword and gives it another try, but it doesn't budge. Just to confirm that she saw what she thinks she saw. What everyone just saw.
Phoebe lifts a hand to her head, moistening her lips, "I usually can't sense anything from him, but right then… I got a whole lot of fear from him. He wasn't expecting that."
Piper moves over to the sword, "Uh, he's not the only one. I didn't see that one coming. Chris!" Piper shouts for him, "Chris!" She looks at her sisters, "I still want this thing out of here!"
Phoebe rubs her temples, "He was really scared Piper. Somehow, I don't think he's terribly receptive to the sword choosing him to be the next King Arthur."
"I don't care! Chris! Get your Royal Ass back here this instant! Ooooh… when that boy gets back here so help me I'll… I…" Piper grabs the sword, her eyes narrowing. The sword slides out into her hand, sending her falling backwards onto the floor. Piper stares at it… as do her sisters and the Magical Creatures. The magical creatures look torn and then bow to Piper now. "Oh. …but…"
A man appears in the room out of nowhere and walks over to Piper.
"I bet you didn't expect this when you got up this morning," he says, offering a hand to help her up to her feet.
Piper takes the hand, "I…"
Phoebe covers her mouth in shock, looking towards Paige.
Piper shakes her head, her mind reeling. First that the sword had come out for Chris, but then that it had pulled free for her as well once the whitelighter had left. Piper stares at the man and then at the sword in her hand. No golden script had flowed over it, like it had when Chris had taken it, but it had come out for her. It had.
"The sword has chosen. You are the new savior. The champion of good, the master of Excalibur. Welcome to your new destiny."
Piper makes a face, "But… Aw, crap."
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Author's Note: Whew! Read on and please toss me a review!
Persephone25: Thanks so much for the review!