"The divorce papers. I have already signed them."
Peter's words hit her unprepared. She tried to not let her shock show. She had thought he wanted to talk her into changing her mind. She never thought he'd ever consider getting divorced, but there they were, the papers that would end their marriage. She had no idea what to think. A thousand thoughts rushed through her mind in a blur she couldn't make sense of. She only realized that one was missing; the impulse to reach for the envelope and sign the papers as well.
"If that's what you want, Peter." she hoped he couldn't hear the slight quiver in her voice.
"You leave me with no other choice. I can't live like this. I'd rather face the consequences than going on with this charade. Just sign and you're free to do whatever you want." he said determined but avoided to look at her, his gaze lingering on the envelope.
"I'll think about it and let you know." she said in a low voice, trying to end this conversation. She had no idea why but she felt tears bubbling up inside of her and she wouldn't want Peter to see them.
"What is there left to think about? You decided on the open marriage in a heartbeat. Don't tell me ending it will take any longer. Don't pretend like 'us' still means something to you."
She swallowed hard at his harsh words. They hurt her and she got an idea how he must have felt when she told him she only wanted to stay married to keep up the appearance for both their careers.
"You better leave now, Peter. I have nothing more to tell you." she turned her back to him, grabbing the edge of the counter hard as she felt the tears rising again. She hoped he would leave now as she knew she couldn't pull herself together any longer.
"Why doesn't that surprise me? Goodbye Alicia."
She could hear the sadness in his voice as he passed by her and as soon as the door fell shut behind him, the first tears rolled down her cheeks.
She had no idea why Peter's decision hit her this hard, but she wasn't able to stop the tears. She still held on to the counter while her body trembled under heavy sobs. She had no idea how long she stood there, not able to move. Finally she felt like she had no tears left and she sighed deeply while she wiped her face dry. She turned and her gaze stopped at the envelope containing the divorce papers. She stumbled backwards, the thought of picking them up alone was too much for her. She turned again, determined to leave the room but then she thought of her kids. She couldn't risk them finding the papers so she walked back, picked the envelope up and took it with her into her bedroom, putting it away in a drawer.
She fell on her bed, watching the dark ceiling, trying to make sense of her thoughts and feelings. Wasn't divorce the logical end to their marriage that only existed on paper any longer? Her decision had brought them to this point. She had ended their relationship without asking for Peter's opinion on it. Now he had done the same to her, probably thinking she had only waited for this, ready to sign the papers. Personally it seemed like the only solution to their hopeless situation, but it might be catastrophic to their careers. That's why she had said she wouldn't divorce Peter. But was this really the reason or was this just something she told herself and him so she didn't need to think for the real reason behind it? Was she really ready to let go of her marriage? A marriage she had stayed in after Peter had betrayed her love and trust in the worst way possible.
She thought about a few days back, when she had been on her way to meet Daniel, who she had met during jury duty, and stood outside the bar, contemplating if she should go in. She had asked herself whom she was faithful to by not going inside, killing any chance of getting to know Daniel and seeing where this might lead. She had pushed the thought away back then, not sure she wanted to know the answer, doubting she was ready for it. She realized she needed to find out now, a decision ahead of her that would have far more impact on her life than any other in a long time.
She yawned, the long day and emotional turmoil taking its toll on her. She turned to her side, realizing she had played with her wedding band the entire time. She wondered about it briefly before she fell asleep, delaying her decision.
A few days had passed and she wasn't any closer to a decision. The struggle with Cary and Diane's proposal had occupied her.
"Alicia?" she looked up from her file and saw Jackie standing in front of her desk. She suppressed the need to roll her eyes and plastered a smile on her face.
"Hi Jackie."
"Can we talk?" the older woman watched her seriously and Alicia had a good idea what this was about.
"Sure." she gestured towards the chairs in front of her desk.
"I'd prefer somewhere more private. Don't you have a room with doors?" Jackie glanced disapprovingly around her offices and Alicia wondered how often she had heard someone complain about the lack of doors in her firm.
"We could go for a walk?" she suggested and stood up when Jackie nodded.
A few minutes later they walked down the street side by side.
"So what can I do for you, Jackie?" she turned to her mother-in-law.
"Let my son go. Sign the divorce papers, Alicia. End this sham of a marriage." Jackie looked her straight in the eyes, giving her words more emphasis.
"It's not that easy, Jackie." she glanced down, avoiding the other woman's stare.
"It's easier than you think. Staying in a fake marriage is the harder part, keeping up appearances because you think it's the right thing to do. You don't want to admit the defeat to others, especially your kids, so you torture just yourself to spare them the pain. And that's only what you will have to go through. You no longer love Peter, but he still loves you." Alicia shook her head softly at Jackie's last words.
"Don't deny it, Alicia. He loves you and that's why this fake marriage will destroy him, like mine destroyed me. I can't let you do that to my son. So please sign the papers, Alicia." Jackie's voice had become nothing more than a whisper when she had finished her little speech. Jackie didn't wait for an answer from Alicia but turned and walked away, leaving her behind, stunned and confused.
Jackie's words circled through her mind, making it impossible for her to concentrate on her work. So she left early to come home to an empty apartment. She found a note from her kids telling her they wouldn't be home for dinner, so she poured herself a glass of red wine, slowly walking to her bedroom. She changed into more comfy clothes, sitting down on the edge of her bed, staring at the drawer containing the divorce papers. She took a large sip from her wine, slowly walking to the dresser, retrieving the envelope from it. She tossed it on the bed, sat down, crossing her legs, watching the piece of paper that could change her life forever.
She still had no answer to what kept her from signing. Deep down she knew that Jackie was right, that the fake marriage was torturing them both, though she doubted it would destroy Peter easier than herself. She distrusted Jackie's words about Peter's feelings for her. Part of her believed he had already executed his right to sleep with somebody else. The thought hurt her but she didn't linger on it, refusing to explore the reason for that pain. Instead she reached for the envelope, letting the contents slide on the cover. She leaned back, scanning the top page of the papers. She decided against reading it, something she would never advise to a client, but somehow she knew that Peter wouldn't screw her on this. She turned and reached for a pen in her nightstand before she slowly pulled the document towards her. She found the last page, placing the tip of the pen on the line reserved for her signature. Her last thought before she moved the pen to sign was that she had started this with her decision to turn their marriage into a sham. Peter had only done the next step. She let the pen fall out of her hand, feeling a tear run down her cheek. It was done. Over 20 years of her life had come to an end. She took her glass from the nightstand, emptying it in one gulp. She got up from the bed and walked into the kitchen to get a refill.
"Hey Mom." Zach's voice from the hall startled her and she hurried to wipe the tears from her face.
"Hey! You're home early." she smiled at her son.
"Can I talk to you a second?" Zach entered the kitchen.
"Sure. What's up?"
"You know I'm leaving for New York in a few days for my summer job." he walked around the kitchen island, stopping next to her.
"Yes. Do you need anything else? Need help packing?" she hoped he couldn't see she had cried.
"No, I'm nearly packed. But I wanted to ask if you, Dad, Grace and me could have dinner together before I leave. Just the four of us. Can you and Dad make time for that?" he looked directly into her eyes and she saw how much this meant to him.
"Sure, Zach. I'll talk to your Dad. We will find the time. I promise." she smiled though she felt like crying again as she thought about how she would ever be able to tell their kids that she just agreed to divorce their father.
She dropped by at Peter's offices the next day. She just passed by his assistant when her cell rang. She stopped, retrieving it from her purse.
"Yes, Cary?" she answered impatiently after checking the caller ID.
"No, I couldn't open the attachment on the phone." she replied to Cary's question.
"No, I'm not near a computer where I can check my emails. Can't it wait until I'm home in probably an hour?" she told him, trying to get rid of him.
"You can go inside, Mrs. Florrick and use your husband's computer. He's not in at the moment." Peter's assistant interrupted her.
"Hold on a second, Cary." she took the phone down, holding it to her chest.
"He's not in?" she glanced at Peter's assistant who shook her head in confirmation.
"Ok, Cary. I have a computer now. Just give me a minute." she put the phone back up while walking into Peter's office, heading behind his desk, sitting down. She opened up the laptop on the desk and waited for the screen to wake up. Once it was ready to use she reached for the trackpad to access the browser but before she could click the icon she realized the wallpaper and stopped her movements. It was a picture of herself, smiling, her glance away from the camera. She felt like the wind got knocked out of her, unable to breathe. She couldn't really believe what she saw.
"Alicia?" Cary's voice startled her.
"I will have to call you back." she ended the phone call, still staring at the screen, not sure what to think.
She closed her eyes, leaning back in the chair, exhaling deeply. Once she opened her eyes again, she let her glance wander over the desk, suddenly realizing the other pictures of her and the kids. One of all four of them had been taken last year at the Shamrock Dinner. They were all sitting on the same stairs she had the talk with Grace about her not being an accident; that they both had very much wanted a second child. She could still hear the words in her head when she closed her eyes:
'This isn't about responsibility. This is about love. I loved you before you were born. And I loved Zach before he was born. And I love you even more now.'
'And Dad?'
'I love him.'
She had meant it that night, realizing then for the first time in a long time that she really still loved him. She opened her eyes, her gaze wandering over the framed photos and the laptop screen, feeling yet another tear roll down her cheek. Suddenly only one thought circled around her mind. What had changed? What was different now than it had been that night? What had really driven her to push Peter so far away that it ended with signed divorce papers? She still had no answer for this.
"Hi Alicia."
Eli's voice startled her and she hurried to brush the tears from her face.
"Hi." she got up from behind the desk.
"Peter should be back soon." Eli walked towards her, raising an eyebrow. She knew he saw she'd been crying.
"Are you ok, Alicia?" his voice became softer.
"I'm good, Eli. But I have to go. Tell Peter to call me." she rushed by him and left the room.