Lightning flashed, illuminating the city of Gotham in a single moment of light, before the skies roared with the sound of thunder. The rain drops were the size of grapes as they fell to the ground. The people of Gotham walked slowly, as if the rain did not affect their dreary lives in the slightest.
What did give them a bit of excitement was the Batmobile currently in the middle of the evening traffic.
"Alfred, I can't break traffic regulations. That's illegal!" Emmet said as he resisted the urge to readjust the mask, as well as the rest of the suit. The whole thing just felt tight on him, to the point that it honestly felt a little weird to even move around in.
"Mr. Brickowski, you must do so. Time is of the utmost importance!"
"Yeah, but I don't think it's in my nature." Emmet couldn't to help but to protest, looking around to see if the lights had turned green.
"Perhaps not in yours, but in Batman's case, yes. You must remember this, Mr. Brickowski. When you accepted the role of Batman, you also accepted that Batman is one to straddle the line. He may not always follow the law, but he will always know when to follow it, and when it is needed to be disregarded..."
"...Alright, if you say so." Emmet said as he shifted the gears to drive.
"Also, do not worry about any damages you might cause. Focus on getting to the commissioner. Master Bruce already has a department dedicated to this."
Taking a deep breath as he prepared himself for what he was about to do, he turned the wheel and stomped down on the accelerator. The Batmobile squeezed through the cracks of traffic, Emmet gritting his teeth as metal scrapped metal. Finally, he got out of the traffic, and sped up, accidently splashing a couple of people on the sidewalk as he ran over a puddle.
"SORRY!" He shouted as he turned his head to apologize before turning back, the Batmobile quickly approaching a moving semitruck.
"AH!" Emmet quickly turned, barely avoiding the trailer. Taking a quick look outside to see the Batsignal and where it was coming from, he took another turn, and sped in that direction. Stopping in front of a building that read 'Gotham Police Department', he ducked into an alleyway, before parking the Batmobile.
Getting out of the Batmobile, and turning on the Bat car signal, he looked up at the building's roof. Rummaging around in Batman's utility belt, he got out the grappling hook and aimed it at the ledge, before pressing the button. The grappling hook went up, colliding against the bottom of the ledge, before falling down onto Emmet's head.
"Ow..." Emmet groaned as he rubbed his head. Through the intercom in his mask, he could hear Alfred's grimace.
"Oh, sorry, I should have said this earlier about the grappling hook. You should aim above your target for it to hook on.
"Yeah, thanks Alfred." Emmet said as he aimed the grappling hook again and fired. This time, the hook grappled onto the ledge and held fast. Giving an experimental tug, Emmet wiggled his arms, before grabbing onto the rope and climbing up the side of the building. As he got closer, he could hear voices arguing.
"Come on, Gordon. Looks like the Bat ain't showing tonight."
"I guess. Strange, I hope he's okay."
"Tch, maybe he finally realized that stuff like this should be left to the professionals..."
Emmet licked his lips as he grabbed the ledge. Showtime. But before he could do that, he heard Alfred ring in.
"Yeah, Alfred?" He whispered.
"Do not go up yet. Wait for the lightning and thunder to happen, then climb up and introduce yourself."
Emmet burrowed his brow. "Okay?"
"Also, be as terse as possible. Do not stay any longer than you have to. Commissioner Gordon can be quite perceptive, he might see through you."
"Got it. Thanks, Alfred."
Climbing onto the wall, he saw the lone two people on the roof with their backs turned. Gripping the ledge, he waited until the lightning flashed, before pulling himself up. Relaxing himself, he began to stride towards the duo.
"Commissioner Gordon." He said in his best Batman impression. The two looked at him, before walking up to him.
"Gee, took your sweet time getting here, huh Bat?" Emmet looked at the cop who berated him. He wore a brown trenchcoat with a brown fedora, basically looking like an old time private eye. He also had this big frown on his face. Weird, unless he was a criminal, wouldn't he be happy to see Batman?
"Yeah sorry, kinda got held up in traffic." Batman apologized as he rubbed the back of the head.
"...Huh?" The detective said, mystified at the idea of the Batman actually apologizing and admitting that he was following traffic laws. Emmet realized that he just did something that Batman would have never done, and quickly turned to the commissioner.
"Still, you called, Commissioner Gordon?"Emmet asked, trying to keep calm. Though his hastily built calm started to crack as the Commissioner looked at him weird.
"Batman, what's wrong with your voice? You sound kind of different." Emmet mentally panicked, scrabbling for an excuse.
"Well, I kinda got a sore throat. Really bad." Emmet faked a few coughs, hoping that they were convincing enough.
"Don't worry, Commissioner Gordon. It won't stop me tonight." He assured, a small lopsided smile.
"...Alright, Batman-" Emmet mentally sighed in relief as Commissioner Gordon took the excuse. "Listen, a priceless artifact called the Golden Egg of Achlea had just been stolen from the museum. Right now, we're all baffled, and I hope you can help."
Emmet nodded. "I see, so you need me to track down the bad guy who stole it, beat him up and get back the artifact? You can count on me."
"Yeah, we already swept the area, and the only evidence we could find was this." Commissioner Gordon said as he rummaged through his coat, before pulling out a bag and handing it to Emmet. Emmet stared at the contents, looking at them in every direction and angle, before looking back at the Commissioner thoroughly confused.
"These are eggshells... Were these the only thing at the crime scene?" The Commissioner nodded.
"Yeah, those were the only things. My men are baffled. They don't have a clue of where to begin. What's your thoughts, Batman?"
As Emmet began to think of an answer, he could hear Alfred hum over the link, before he began to press a whole lot of buttons on the computer console. After a while, he heard back from Alfred.
"Commissioner Gordon, I think I got an idea. Get your men and search every egg related company/store that recently opened up. I think our guy is hiding behind one of them as a front."
"Wait a minute, are you saying that we are going to tear through the city to look for some Egg-based villain, is that what you're saying?" The old timey detective shouted as he stepped closer to Emmet.
"Yeah?" Emmet said, trying not to show fear as his personal space was beginning to be invaded.
"What makes you think this is going to work? What if this whole thing turns out to be wrong? Then what?"
"...Well, it's the only trail of logic we've got right now. So until it's wrong, I'd say it's worth investigating." Emmet said evenly, trying not to be intimidated. The staring contest between him and the Old Timey Detective stopped as Commissioner Gordon stepped in between them.
"Alright, break it up! We got important things to do. Bullock, get the boys and look at every Egg-themed shop/company/anything we can find."
The now identified Bullock simply nodded as he moved away from Emmet, going back into the building.
"Now it is your time to make your exit too."
"Well then, thanks for the he-" Commissioner Gordon stopped before sighing as he saw that Batman was gone.
"Sometimes I want to know how he does that..." He mused to himself as he walked back into the building. Meanwhile, Emmet rubbed his sore butt after accidently landing on the shift.
"Note to self: work on landing in this thing." He hissed as he adjusted himself in his seat. Taking a few moments to get over the pain, he turned the Batmobile on and drove out of the alleyway, nearing hitting another car. Giving himself time to calm down, he cruised through the streets as he talked to Alfred.
"Alright Alfred, where should we go first?" Emmet asked.
"I would suggest going to this company that apparently recently opened - The Ghoti Ouefs Caviar Company. I have already put the cordinates in the Batmobile."
Emmet blinked. "Wait, Caviar? Alfred, I thought we were looking for Egg companies."
"Well, Mr. Brickowski, Caviar is simply salt-cured fish eggs, so you can say in a roundabout way, it works."
Emmet tried to imagine such a dish, only to squirm in his seat. "Sounds delicious, Alfred."
"Indeed, I find it quite overrated myself."
Forcing himself away from questionable foods, Emmet had to ask one question that was on his mind.
"So you think we're on to something with this 'Egg' thing?"
"Well, the criminal apparently used an Egg gadget in order to steal an egg-shaped treasure. That already seemed to be a modus operandi of a majority of bad guys that Master Bruce has fought."
"Huh, really?"
"Yes, some can be quite tricky, and some can be quite tragic... Poor Asbestos Lady."
"Wha- Oh, Alfred, I'm here at the Company. Looks pretty normal from out here. Going inside to get a better look."
"Alright, Mr. Brickowski, be sure to take a more inconspicious route, like a back door, or a ventilation shaft."
"...Oh, was that how I should have done it?"
"...Did you go through the front door, Mr. Brickowski?"
"Yeah, sorry."
Alfred sighed. "I suppose it can't be helped now. You might as well kick the door down."
"Roger that." With that, Emmet reared his leg back, before kicking the double doors open. Looking around, he blinked.
"Uhh...Alfred, I think I found something."
All around him, he could see eggs. Artworks depicting eggs. The walls had pictures of eggs and bacons all over it. The carpet was white ovals with yellows circles in the middle of them. All the furniture were eggs. Everything in the room was eggs.
"This is...kinda creepy." Emmet said to himself.
"Hello, sir. Are you here for an appointment?" Blinking, Emmet turned around to see a secretary at an egg-shaped table. Her name tag simply read 'Miss. Bacon.'
"Well...yeah," Emmet said as he walked up to the desk. "You see, I'm here to see if your boss stole something called...Hold on."
Rummaging around in the Bat Utility Belt, he got out his handy dandy Bat Notebook.
"Something called the Golden Egg of Achlea. Yeah, I want to ask him if he stole it." Emmet said as he put the notebook back.
"Oh, I see. Yeah, I'm afraid that Mr. Price isn't available right now, I can make a note-hold on a moment." Miss. Bacon began only for the phone to ring. Holding up a finger, she picked up the phone and began to talk.
"Mr. Price? Is there something you need?"
Emmet walked over to a nearby egg-chair and took a seat.
"Yes, I will get on that right away. Also, there is also a guest here."
Emmet looked around the egg decor, looking for something else that wasn't strips of bacon.
"It's the Batman, sir? Shall I send him in? Oh, I see. Very well, Mr. Price. Goodbye."
Setting the phone down, she smiled up to Emmet.
"Mr. Price will be here shortly."
Emmet smiled.
"Ahh, thank yo-Is that a gas mask?" Suddenly, Emmet felt something bump against the back of his boots. Looking down, he saw three innocent looking eggs on the floor in between his feet.
Suddenly, the eggs cracked open, and Emmet's nose was assaulted by the most foulest smell he had ever smelled.
"AUGH! THE STINK! WHAT IS THIS STUFF?!" Emmet cried in anguish as his eyes started to water. Then someone punched him, throwing him to the ground.
Emmet gagged as he was pushed closer to the rank smell. Turning around, he saw three men wearing gas masks. The one in the middle walked up and talked.
"Just a concontion I made by feeding some chickens nothing but onions. As you can see, it was quite an eggs-cellent idea I've had."
Emmet was still a fan of 'Everything is Awesome' and its philosophy, but even he had to draw the line at that pun.
"W-who are you?" Emmet choked out, the smell starting to overpower him.
"I am Egghead, as you can see from my rather 'Eggs-quisite' shaped head." Egghead announced, throwing his arms wide open.
"...D-don't see i-it." Emmet commented. Egghead merely 'hmm-ed'.
"From what I've heard, Batman wasn't known for his wit. Hmm...No matter. Still, this was quite the boring night. Benedict, Foo-Yung, take care of the Batman for me. I must find more...'egg-citing' things to pass the time."
"I swear he does that on purpose." Benedict mumbled as he and Foo-Yung grabbed Emmet by the arms and began to drag him away. However, Emmet began to stir.
"Hey...are you the guy who punched me?" Benedict raised a confused eyebrow.
"Uhh, yeah. Why?" Emmet simply smiled.
"My girlfriend hits harder."
With that, Emmet jumped up before falling to his knees, the momentum smashing Benedict and Foo-Yung's heads together. As the two began to fall to the ground, Emmet grabbed Foo-Yung by the arm, before flipping him onto Benedict. Benedict fell the air escape his lungs as Foo-Yung's heavy body smashed into his. As the two 'rotten eggs' groaned on the floor in pain, Emmet smiled down at them.
"She also hits faster."
Hearing the sound of the bad guy getting away, he turned his head to see Egghead escaping through a door. Smashing through the door, he stopped as he saw Egghead hold the thingy above the ground.
"Don't move, Batman. Or else I'll drop the Golden Egg of Achlea."
"You wouldn't dare." Emmet hissed.
"Well, do I? Here's what I eggs-pect: you let me run, and I'll set this thing down."
"When you accepted the role of Batman, you also accepted that Batman is one to straddle the line. He may not always follow the law, but he will always know when to follow it, and when it is needed to be disregarded..."
"No deal, you're coming with me." Emmet said, his body tensing as he prepared to jump at Egghead.
"Tch, how droll of you, Batman. Still..." With that, Egghead dropped the Golden Egg as he began to make a break for it. Emmet jumped, his eyes switching between Egghead and the Golden Egg. What Egghead didn't expect was the fact that the Golden Egg was actually a solid gold artifact, and actually quite heavy.
So, it landed right on Egghead's foot.
"AU-OOF!" Egghead began to scream before a charging Batman brought him onto the ground. Egghead rolled on the floor, holding his foot.
"THE PAIN! OH, THE EGGS-CRUIATING PAIN!"
Emmet had to marvel at Egghead's ability to come up with more puns as he sent out a signal using the bat flare gun.
As the police took Benedict and Foo-Yung into custody, and Egghead was getting his foot treated, Batman and the Commissioner was watching by the cop cars.
"Gotta say Batman, nice work. We wouldn't have finished this case without you." Commissioner Gordon said to Batman.
Emmet's hand twitched under his cape, as he resisted the urge to rub the back of his head. "Well, if you hadn't thought those egg-shells to be important, I don't think I would have had a clue."
Gordon smiled. "Then I guess we can all pat ourselves on the back and call it a night, huh?"
"My thoughts exactly, Commissioner. See you around." As Emmet walked away, he looked down his belt and tried to remember which one was the Batmobile signal.
"Hey, Alfred, which one was the one that called the Batmobile to you?"
"It's the pocket on the far left." Someone who was definitely not Alfred answered back.
"...Umm, hey, Bruce. So I had to be Batman for you for a while..."
"I know, that's why we have to talk."
"...Huh?"
"Because you're gonna have to be Batman for a while longer."
Author's Note: Okay, Asbestos Lady wasn't a DC villain. She was Marvel.