Chapter 11: Chances
Bob walked Violet into the den and helped her down onto the bed. She was able to walk, but she was begin to stagger and he wanted to make sure that she made it to the bed without hurting herself. Violet laid down and he proceeded to cover her with the blanket. He looked over her for a moment before leaving.
"Bob?" Violet called to him.
"Y-yes?" Bob asked, stopping and turning back to her.
"I saw Peter today," she told him. Her glossy eyes staring to him as she started slurring her speech. For one of the first times since she had been there, she looked vulnerable. She was hurt and she was showing how truly hurt she was now.
"I, I know. I was there," he reminded her. He caught onto the fact that she called him Peter instead of her father. To him, that was a good sign, it was a small step to getting over him, allowing herself to not need him.
Violet just continued to watch him. She didn't look as if she had registered what he had said. Taking the hint, Bob turned and started towards the doorway.
"Why doesn't he want me?" she gently implored.
Bob stopped. Slowly, he turned back to see Violet laying there, intently watching him. She was anxiously awaiting his answer. "I, I uh, I don't think it's that he doesn't want you. He just uh, he just wants to leave behind your mother, and it's, it's hard to do that while looking at the child he had with, with her. He can't look at you without, uh thinking of her, so he thinks the only way to move on from her, is uh, is to get rid of you," he answered. Although he really did think what he was saying was true, he couldn't be all that certain without talking to him.
This whole thing made him realize something though. He never wanted to do this to his own child. He was still scared, and he was hesitant to become a father, but there was no way that he could ever abandon his kid. Before this, he knew that he would never hurt his kid, he would love them and be a father to them no matter how he felt. But now, he knew that if he ever came close to hurting them, he would instantly regret it. There was no way that he could even think of hurting them.
Violet softly laughed as she sat up, pulling her knees up to her chest. "You know, I, I used to be what you would call a goody two shoes," she confessed. "I, I, I was the, the perfect child. My mother would drag me around, with her and her friends and we would go places," she started and then looked to Bob, he smile fading. "I used to, to look at those people and say, Valerie, you're not them. And dammit, I wasn't. You see? I used to be, good. I got good grades, I cared. But, my, my mother still just dragged me around, and uh, Peter, he would tell me these things. He, he told me, that, he cared, but he would do nothing. Even, even when I was good, my parents didn't care!"
Violet started to smirk. "See? That's when I realized, it doesn't matter! Most people don't like their kids when they're bad, but mine didn't even like me when I was good! They, they weren't going to like me no matter what! I could do what ever the hell I wanted!" she explained to him. "My mom fucking that man, and Peter leaving, it showed me just how much they didn't care. It showed me that I didn't have to care."
Bob knew that this was the worst time to be trying to talk to her. She was drunk and high and most likely not even hearing anything he had to say. At the same time though, he felt compelled to tell her that she shouldn't let her parent's life ruin her's. He decided though, it would be best to wait. "Vi-Violet? How uh, how about we wait until tomorrow to talk about this?" he offered.
"I told your wifey over there somethin' that I shouldn't have told her," Violet announced. "Tell her I over did the bloody part. There wasn't that much blood, just enough to know."
Bob looked to her with concern. "What?" he questioned. She was going on about something and he couldn't clearly comprehend what she was trying to tell him. All he knew was that it had something to do with blood.
Violet just shook her head and laid back down in bed. "Never mind," she replied. "My mom said no anyways. The one time that she stepped up, that selfish bitch. No one else mattered. Not me, not Kathy and Frank, no one," she added.
Bob was about to ask who those people are, but he saw her starting to drift off to sleep. He turned off the light and headed out through the living room to the bedroom.
"Emily?" he implored.
Emily sat on the edge of the bed, her hand over her abdomen. Her face was pale, eyes widened with concern. Quickly, her head turned to look to him. "I'm fine," she attempted to convince him. "She was just talking about losing a baby, and," she started, but couldn't finish. Tears started falling from her eyes.
Bob went and sat down next to her, putting his arm around her. Now what Violet said made a little more sense to him. "You haven't lost it, have you?" he implored, more to prove a point.
Emily shook her head. It just bothered her, it disturbed her. "What if I do?" she whimpered. It was as if she were telling her about the most likely outcome. It took a long time to just get to this point. She hadn't sat down and gone through all of the 'what if?'s. From the moment she found out she is pregnant, she just assumed that everything would be all right. Maybe here and there she had her tiny doubts, but she never stuck on them.
The only true concern she had at the beginning was how Bob was going to handle this. How was he going to feel about the baby? After he showed her, she was fine. That was it. That had to be the hardest part.
Now, she was stuck with this mental image that she couldn't shake. The blood. Her dead baby. Violet may not have been aware of what she was doing, but she had hit a very sensitive nerve. If she had the reassurance there nothing was going to go wrong, she might be okay with what she said. She would still be disturbed, but she would be able to wave it off as just Violet being drunk and morbid.
Bob sighed. "Look, honey, first, you, you really need to just calm down," he stated. "You're going to be fine. Violet's not uh not really at her best right now. She was just rambling on. Okay?" he assured her. He didn't want to tell her that there was no way that Violet was right. It was stupid, but he wasn't about to jinx the baby by saying she wouldn't lose it.
"You didn't answer my question," she sharply pointed out to him. She needed to know his answer. She desperately needed him to tell her it was going to be all right, and the fact that he wasn't telling her made her that much more sacred. If he just told her the baby will be okay, the baby will be born without any proof what so ever, she would feel better.
"If, if you lose it, I'll still be here. We can try again," he reassured her.
"Just replace it?" she bitterly asked, looking to him with disgust. At that point, he might as well of just told her that they could go and steal another baby and it would be just the same.
That was his indication to be more careful with his words. "There is no reason right now, that, that anything should happen to this baby. You care too much. You're taking care of yourself," he said, trying to make up for what he told her. That much, was true. He tell her that with confidence without having to worry about backfire. But, at the same time, just because everything should be fine, didn't mean it was going to remain fine.
Emily's look softened. Now, she just looked more scared and tired than anything. Instead of saying anything, she just rested her head on his shoulder. There was nothing left to say. She could see it in his eyes that he was starting to go through the list of things that could go wrong. Right now, his presence was enough to comfort her. There was no reason to start freaking him out too.
Oooo
Violet woke up the next morning. Her head hurt, but it wasn't too bad. The worst part though? She remembered most of last night. Sometimes, at least to her, that was worse than passing out and being completely hungover the next day.
Slowly, she sat up and sighed. She didn't want to go out there and see them. She knew that she freaked Emily out, more than she should have. That was one of the first times that she had felt bad over what she had done. She knew she hurt Emily, but she wasn't completely sure of what all she said. All she knew was that it had to do with the baby and that she felt guilty, and a little embarrassed. As for what she said to Bob, she really didn't know. She knew that he was the one to help her to bed, and that she mentioned her father, but that was it.
With hesitance, she pulled herself out of bed and got ready for the day. The longer she could take in there, the better.
Once she was done though, she had to go out there. She carefully walked out into the living room and saw Emily on the couch reading. "Emily?"
Emily turned and looked to her. "Good afternoon," she coldly stated.
Violet stayed her distance. "About last night," she began.
Emily sighed. "Let's see, you caused a scene at dinner, you came here, stole our alcohol, got drunk, and some how managed to get a hold of pot and get high out on our balcony," she stated.
Violet nodded. "Believe it or not, I know. I also know that I told you some things that I shouldn't have told you. I'm sorry," she said.
Emily sighed. "Come here," she instructed. She was starting to get annoyed with Violet acting like she was afraid of her.
Violet went ahead and joined her on the couch. "Yeah?"
"Do you remember what you said to me?" Emily inquired. Right now, she was a little more concerned with that than the drug and alcohol use. Those could wait until after this.
Violet shrugged. "I know I talked about the baby and I know you didn't like it," she answered.
"You weren't talking about me losing mine, were you?" Emily questioned.
Violet softly laughed. "No offense or anything, but you must know that I talk to your husband, and I would rather talk to him than I would you," she explained. This was one area of her life that she could not handle any judgement over, and there was no doubt in her mind that Emily was about to judge her for this.
"You don't think I deserve an explanation?" Emily implored.
Violet sighed. "Okay, it was mine. About five months ago, I lost a baby," she announced. She waited for Emily to speak, but all she did was look to her with some odd mixture of disappointment and pity. "And this is the part where you tell me that I shouldn't have been pregnant in the first place. I say it doesn't matter, there's a lot of things I did that I shouldn't have doen. You asked what was wrong with me running around with my boyfriend. I say I thought he loved me. You say, you're just a kid, you shouldn't have been making those types of choices. You're a kid yourself, you're not ready for a baby. And I say, it's not like a I was going to keep the kid anyways, I knew a couple that wanted a baby. You say..."
"You're right, you shouldn't have been running around in the first place. You're just a kid," Emily interrupted. "And you're right, I don't understand. I don't understand why you insist on ruining your own life in order to prove a point to your parents," she added.
Violet sighed. "If you're referring to the baby, that was going to be the one thing that showed me that maybe things did matter," she admitted. "I was going to have it, and I was going to give it to a couple that I knew couldn't have their own, but desperately wanted one. They were the first people I talked to when I found out about the baby. I was going to give them a good home, I was going to be able to visit here and there and I was going to be able to actually do something good for someone else. I know its wrong, but I was about to live vicariously through him and that was how it was going to be. He was my chance to see that not everything is all bad, and my mother took that away from me," she informed her.
"He?" Emily asked. She was a little shocked. Now she was starting to wonder how far along she was when she lost it.
Violet caught onto her concern. "I was only a few months when I lost it, but I figure if there is a God, there is no way that he would ever put those poor people through the hell of giving them a girl like me," she replied. "Besides, I used to baby sit a little boy that I thought was adorable."
"I'm sorry," Emily said.
Violet shook her head as she softly began to laugh. "Why? According to you I'm just a stupid kid who got herself in trouble. You said that baby was going to ruin my life didn't you? I mean, it's pretty hypocritical of you to feel sorry for my loss while at the same time feeling it's presence was one of the worst things that could happen to me," she responded.
"I never said it was the worst thing that could happen to you!" Emily argued. "You're right, I don't think you should have gotten yourself into that position in the first place, but I know you get attached to the baby. I would be devastated if I lost mine," she explained. "I know the whole thing couldn't have been easy for you."
Violet sat there, staring down towards her lap. What she wasn't going to tell Emily was that she deserved her baby more. She was the good one, she lead a good life, her parents wanted her. Violet knew that things she did were wrong, and while most of the time she didn't care, there were sometimes that she started to wonder. One of the main times that she really wondered was when she lost the baby. She didn't know about it at first, she got drunk, she would smoke cigarettes and weed, she even dropped acid. Even though she was certain her mother had caused the miscarriage, she wondered if she deserved it.
That was the first time that her choices had a bad affect on someone else, and she truly cared about it. She looked up to Emily. "Lets say you're having a girl. You baby girl grows up, and then at seventeen, comes home and tells you that she is pregnant. She's already made arrangements to give the baby away and she's scared and she's alone because her boyfriend and her friends want nothing to do with her. How do you react?" she implored.
Emily just thought for a second. "Well, at first, I would be furious. I would ask her what the hell I thought she was doing, and how she could have been so stupid. I would tell her about how she's ruining her life, and how disappointed I am in her. After I calm down though, which would take a while, I would make sure that she knew I still loved her, and that I'm still here for her. I would also tell her that I'm glad she decided to give it up," she thoughtfully answered.
"Every bit of your reaction is out of concern for her, right?" Violet inquired.
"Yes," she answered, wondering where she was going with this.
Violet nodded. "My mom's was all about how she was going to look to the neighbors. I went in, told her about the baby while she was making dinner. I kid you not, with no emotion what so ever, she turned to me and told me that I was going to get rid of that thing no matter what before I started showing so that people wouldn't talk about her," she told her. "At least you were worried about your daughter."
Emily looked to her with sympathy. "Are you sure? I mean, I just want to make sure that you heard her right, that you weren't just hearing something because you were upset," she explained.
"No, I'm sure of what happened. Mom has always been concerned with herself. Every time the police will bring me home, she'll ask me about my future and then turn it around and tell me about how my future reflects her. It's always the same story with her," she reassured. "I swear, that woman once told me how the Vietnam war was over her, and it made her look bad when she went to other countries," she stated.
"Emily!" Howard called out as he swung open the door. He walked over towards the couch. "Ellen's coming over and the shirt that she got me has a hole in it," he informed her, holding up his sleeve and showing her.
Emily softly laughed as she went to get her sowing kit. "I'll have it fixed in a minute Howard," she assured him.
Violet positioned herself on the couch to face him. "Hi Mr. Borden," she greeted. "Dinner go well last night?"
"Oh yeah," Howard answered. "Did you know that Emily is going to have a baby?"
Violet nodded. "I was the one that thought she was pregnant in the first place," she told him. "I've been here the whole time," she reminded him.
"Oh yeah, that's right," he responded.
"And when you see Ellen tonight, tell her that I feel better after causing a scene with my father last night," she requested.
"Why did you do that?" he asked.
"He told me he didn't want me, so I got back at him," she answered. And really, she felt as if maybe, she had gotten back at him. There was no way that she cared to ever see him again in her life.