Chapter 12: The Trick is to Keep Breathing

Violet lay on her bed as she examined the tips of her hair. She was thinking back to when she was fourteen years old, a freshman in high school. By the way that times had changed, it felt like more than three years had passed. She remembered a particular conversation.

Violet sat with her three friends, Emma, Alyssa, and Carrie. They sat at the lunch table talking about what they were going to do this weekend.

"I really don't care whether or not any of you come with me, I'm just putting the invitation out there," Emma informed them.

"No offense, but I won't no anyone there, so, no," Carrie responded.

"Same," Alyssa added.

Violet shrugged. "I'm sorry, I thought we were attending this building to do something with our lives besides drink it away and waking up next to random men," she remarked. "I got better things to do."

Emma laughed. "Of course you do," she replied.

Violet smirked to her. "I'm trying to get out of this shitty town someday so I don't have to deal with people like you telling people like me that I need to go get wasted and fucked to convince myself that I might be having a good time," she responded.

"I don't think she wants to go," Carrie said.

"Hey, I don't mind you not wanting to go, I'm just wondering what you have against going out," Emma stated.

Violet sighed. "Well, alcohol makes you act like a retard, drugs make you unaware of how retarded you are, and both make you forget all the idiotic things you've done. Idiotic men in some cases. I'm just not interested," she explained. She was afraid of becoming like her parents. She needed something important to focus on, and she needed to get away from here. Becoming like her parents was not an option.

"I think I wanna stay here," Emma informed them.

"Why?" Alyssa inquired.

"Seriously, when we grow up, we're supposed to get out, that's how it works," Carrie argued.

Violet just sat there and thought to herself. The only one here that knew about her home life was Carrie. No one else had to know. She wasn't about to use any of that in her defense and end up getting pitied.

"I think it's just safe to say that I'm not going to ruin life while I'm in high school, or college, or after that because of stupid little meaningless parties," Violet announced.

Violet sat up and sighed. That was the old her, apparently. It didn't take long for her to change either. Her father left shortly after and she said decided to do whatever she wanted. To this day though, she was still trying to decide whether or not that was a bad idea. She had made more friends since, Carrie was still her best friend and she and Emma were a bit closer for a while.

In the way she saw it, she used to be fearless, and now, she was scared of everything. She used to have dreams and never once thought about failing. She used to work towards something. Now, she always thought about how things could go wrong and figured it best not to try. She didn't care anymore. As long as she was having fun, it was okay. There was no need to try for something and face disappointment.

This was beginning to bother her, she was thinking too much. It was time to get back out into the rest of the apartment. Bob would be home in a little bit, so Emily was most likely getting dinner ready. Maybe she could help with it, anything to distract her for a little bit.

"Hi Violet," Emily greeted as Violet stepped out into the living room.

Violet looked up and forced a smile. "What's ya doing?" she implored. She walked over to the counter and leaned against it as she watched Emily get a salad ready.

"Getting dinner ready," she answered.

"Do you need any help?" Violet offered.

"No, I'm almost done," Emily answered.

Violet nodded. "Okay then," she replied as she pushed herself off the counter.

Emily looked over to her as she started to make her way back to the den. "Why are you jealous?" she called, causing Violet to stop. She knew, she just needed to make sure. She wanted to make sure that what she heard last night was true and not just alcohol induced over dramatization.

Violet laughed as she turned to Emily. "You blind?" she questioned. "Your baby gets both a mom and a dad who actually care about it. I barely got one parent to care for me at times. You do the math," she said.

"I'm sure your mom loves you just a little bit," Emily assured her.

Violet shook her head. "I used to be naïve enough to believe that too," she responded and then continued to the den.

Emily sighed. She was curious about this girl. There was a lot that she did not understand and she really did want to help. "I'm not judging you you know," she tried calling out to her.

Violet stepped back out into the living room and offered her a slightly condescending smirk. "How could you not?" she inquired, crossing her arms. "You just found me completely screwed up out on your balcony where I told you about the baby I almost had. If you were a little less, you, maybe I would believe that."

Emily looked to her, taking offense in what she said. "What's that supposed to mean?" she implored. "If I was a little less me."

"I'm not trying to offend you. I'm just saying that you obviously grew up in a different setting. I mean, I was introduced to drugs at the age of five. I found acid hidden in my closet. The shoes that I rarely ever wore, my mom took that box and hid her stuff in it," she explained. "I highly doubt your parents were hiding their drugs in your bedroom."

Emily was shocked by what she had heard, and angered. "Did you know what it was at the time?" she asked.

Violet slightly laughed. "I found out after I tried eating it. Thank God my mom got there before I ate more than one tablet. She was mad though because she had to sit there and watch me that night instead of being able to leave me with the babysitter and going out. Most likely, she was coming in my room to get her stuff to go over to her friend's house," she replied. She looked to Emily and dropped her arms. "Oh yeah, and if you were ever considering trying that stuff, don't. That freaking little thing lasted all night. The worst thing ever, I felt like I was in a constant nightmare but I couldn't wake up from it because I already was up. It sucked."

"Hey honey," Bob said as he walked in the door.

Emily and Violet both turned to look to him. "Hi Bob," Emily replied, forcing a smile to him.

He looked back and forth between the two. "Something going on here?" he asked.

"I'm telling your wifey about the drugs I tried when I was five," Violet informed him.

"Sounds about right," Bob sighed. "And uh, I, I wanted to talk to you today. You said a few things last night and had, had a few questions that I wanted to wait to talk about," he told her.

Violet looked to him, perplexed for a moment. She wondered what could have been so concerning. "Okay," she obliged, turning and walking into the den.

"I'll be back out in a minute," Bob told Emily as he walked towards her, stopping to plant a quick kiss on her lips.

"All right," she replied. "Dinner won't be done for a few minutes anyways."

Bob headed back to the den and saw Violet sitting on the bed with her legs crossed, waiting for him. "Caio. Come stai?" Violet greeted.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing," Violet replied, a little disappointed. "So what did you want to talk to me about?"

"Well," Bob said as he took a seat in the chair. "You were trying to ask me why your father didn't want you."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"You don't actually need to give me an answer, I already know," Violet explained.

"Why, why uh, did he not want you?" he inquired.

"Easy, I was the unwanted burden in his life. My mom would leave me alone with him at times, a lot of times and she would be gone a long time. He got tired of taking care of me. I remember he even told me once that he wished she would stay home more so that he wouldn't be stuck with me," she informed him.

"Are, are you sure that's how he said it? I mean, he, he could just be trying to get away from your mother right now. I'm sure seeing you reminds him of her. He, he associates you with her and can't stand it," he explained.

"No," Violet replied. "I remember when I was ten," she began.

Violet sat at the table, an envelope sitting before her on the table. She sat there, a smile on her face as she waited for one of her parents to walk into the room. The first one, was her father.

"Hi dad," she greeted.

"Hi," he quickly replied. What Violet didn't know was that he had just had a fight with Nora earlier that day about how often she was gone. He went straight to the fridge and grabbed a beer.

"I got this today," she happily announced, grabbing the envelope and holding it out to him.

"What is it?" Peter questioned.

"Well, its either a warrant for my arrest, or its my grades," she told him.

Peter huffed as he grabbed the letter and opened it. He skimmed through it. "All A's. Good," he told her.

Violet smiled. She liked hearing that word. Good. It was nice.

"Now maybe you can get out of here sooner and go away to college. That way I don't have to put up with this for much longer," he mumbled as he walked out of the room.

Violet heard what he said. Instead of saying something though, she just sat there and looked down to her lap. Her eyes watered, but she choked back the tears.

"It's funny, when I was little he told me everything was going to be okay. When I grew up a little, he stopped saying it. He stopped caring," she stated.

Bob thought a moment. He wasn't about to come up with reasons as to how her father could have just been preoccupied with something else. There was no way he could tell her that and not feel guilty. He didn't want to tell her the wrong thing. There was no way for him to know what was going on with her parents.

"You, you know, even if your parents don't care for you, there are always other people that do. There, there are people out there that, that want to see you succeed," he told her.

Violet laughed. "I thought even a fake doctor could realize how selfish people are," she remarked.

"What uh makes you think that everyone is selfish?" he questioned.

Violet stood up and sighed. "Well, the obvious you know? I mean, have you been listening to me? My mom, Peter," she responded as she paced over to the other side of the room. She stopped and turned back to him. "Did I tell you I had a miscarriage within the past year? That's what I was telling Emily about last night apparently," she mentioned.

"You didn't tell me," he replied. Right now, he was more upset with her parents than anything.

"Well, I did. That was about the time I found out how much people can not care. The night I found out, I went and told my boyfriend. He called me a whore and denied that it was his baby. As a matter of fact, some of my friends agreed with him. Anyways, I went and talked to a couple that I knew couldn't have their own and wanted one. I said they could have mine if they worked out all the legal stuff. Then, I went and told my mom. She said she would make sure I got rid of it. It was the next night that she allowed me to borrow the car to run up to an area that I wasn't all too familiar with myself to get a few things she needed. The car that was perfectly fine broke down and I got lost. Then, the next night, she made me dinner and right after was when I started feeling sick," she told him.

Violet stopped and looked up to see how he was taking this so far. "Well, I went upstairs to bed and laid down. I passed out for a little bit. When I woke up though, I felt the worst pain I had ever felt before in my stomach. I, I didn't know what to do. I juts laid there and cried. Then, I noticed the blood," she said before letting the tears fall. "I might be paranoid, but I'm pretty certain that my mom was behind the car and the loss of my baby," she confessed.

"Why would your mom want to get rid of, of the baby so bad if you already had parents lined up?" he implored.

"Because Nora Harrison couldn't handle any one seeing her pregnant daughter walk out the door, looking like she swallowed a basket ball and wondering where she went wrong with me!" she snapped. "She was the one that was stupid enough to lock me out of the house when I stayed out too late and sent me to stay the night at my boyfriend's house. I mean, that's really no excuse, but she still shouldn't have locked me out. She shouldn't have tried to lose me and she sure as hell shouldn't have killed my baby," Violet venomously informed him.

Violet sighed as she walked back over and sat down on the bed. "I used to be, nice. I used to have some innocence to me, and my mom took that little bit of niceness I had and crushed it. Her and Peter did everything they could to take it and destroy it. I would try hard in school, I would try being daddy's little princess and mommy's little angel but neither of them wanted anything to do with me. They went out of their way to screw my life up. The way I see it, I just saved them a lot of time and effort," she told him.

"Vi-Violet? I'm sorry that you had to lose your baby, and, and I'm sorry that your parents neglect you. But, but this is getting you no where. It doesn't really hurt your parents at this point, and uh, and all it does is hurt you. Why don't you think of this as, as game? You're losing it, and I don't think you want to. I think you can win if you just start realizing that, that you are better than this. You don't need your parent's approval and you don't them," he offered.

Violet softly smiled, acknowledging his effort. "I wish it were that easy," she replied.

~To my cousin~