Chapter 4.
Rated M for mature themes.
In my light sleep, I wake up to faint noise in the bathroom. I take a deep breath, untangling my legs from Mats', as his arm surrounds my waist and he pulls my back to his chest.
"Not yet..." he whispers in my ear.
"Don't you have rehabilitation today?"
"Mmmhmmm" His nose nuzzles under my ear as he plants kisses on the back of my neck.
"Well, then we have to get going." I run a hand over his arm, getting it off of me.
"Five more minutes, please..."
I turn to him with a smile and kiss the side of his face. "Okay," I say, getting up. He pulls my pillow to his chest as I head for the door.
In the living room, Lukasz is bent at the waist, in front of the couch, zipping his bag. As he hears me come out, his head snaps up and he straightens himself, turning to look at me.
He looks freshly showered and sharp, even in last night's clothes. His coppery hair is lightly gelled, and his face is clean shaved. His hands go into his pockets as he slowly smiles at me.
"Hey..." I whisper, my voice still raspy with sleep.
"Good morning, Cecilia." His tone is calm and soothing, as he holds the little grin in place. His posture contradicts him though, his hands still in his pockets, his shoulders tense.
I might be making this more than it should be, but there's something very awkward about this encounter. I look down, subconsciously fixing my hair, feeling a bit nervous all of the sudden.
The ringing of my phone startles me, and I rush to it, flying past Lukasz, who remains stoically on my living room.
"Hello?" I turn to Lukasz, who is looking at me. "Yes, this is she..." I know who this is, it's one of the IBG secretaries. It just adds to my already shaky nerves. "Yes, yes, I am aware of that," I say when she reminds me they are still waiting on my answer. "No... I haven't, but I will get back to you as soon as possible."
Lukasz' eyebrows raise minimally, as he figures out who this is. "Thank you..." I say into the phone and hang up.
I put the phone down carefully, taking a deep breath. They're going to withdraw their offer. I need to give them an answer soon.
Shit, I need to talk to Mats about this.
"Is everything okay?" Lukasz' voice brings me back to this moment.
"Yeah... yes..." I answer hurriedly, trying futilely to avoid his eyes. "Everything's fine." I wave him off.
He doesn't say anything. He doesn't have to. His eyes speak for him. He knows.
"I better go wake Mats up..." I add dismissively, hurrying back.
"Hey…" His hand reaches for my arm, but after the smallest amount of contact, he drops it. "You should talk to him, Cecilia. It's a great opportunity. He will understand."
His tone is soft, not judgy or pushy, but his words weigh too much. A lump sets in my stomach, because I really doubt Mats would understand.
I only manage a weak nod to Lukasz, before I make my escape to the bedroom.
~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~
Mats insists that I drive back with them so that I could spend some time with him in Dortmund. It's not a bad idea. I'm all done with classes, and it will give me some time to figure out how and when to talk to him about Munich.
Lukasz demands to drive, despite the dark circles under his eyes, which clearly indicate a sleepless night. Mats makes no notice of it, and I try not to intercede. It is his car they came in, after all.
As soon as his head touches the headrest, Mats falls asleep. Lukasz's eyes keep darting to me through the rearview mirror, which tells me that something is bothering him — whatever it is, he does not say — and except for some casual, unimportant chit chat, and Mats' soft snoring, we make a silent return to Dortmund.
They drop me off at Mats' apartment as they head for training and rehabilitation. Despite Mats' promises, I end up spending the day, and most of the night, by myself. I catch up on some reading, skype my mother, and end up falling asleep on the couch, where Mats finds me when he returns from 'whatever he had to do with Marco'.
~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~
On Tuesday, Mats and I finally have a night to ourselves. We have dinner, and walk hand in hand back to his apartment. They have a derby game coming up and then two important quarterfinal games for the Champions League. It's the farthest they've ever been in that competition, and he's incredibly excited about it. They all are. We all are.
I let him get it all out but when we get home, he sits to watch yet another game of their biggest rivals in preparation for the derby, for the hundredth time. I sit beside him, hunched over my knees, and face him. Gathering up the courage to talk to him about this is way harder than I thought.
"Hey..." I run my fingers on his arm until I reach his hand. He clasps his fingers around mine instinctively, his focus remaining on the screen though. "You know I've been applying for jobs..."
"Mmmmhmmm..." He sits forward, closer to the screen. "What a stupid foul!" he yells at the TV.
"Mats, can you listen to me for a second?"
"Baby, something will come up, don't worry. Want me to talk to my mom, see if she can find you something with Sky?"
Ugh... God...
His mother is a sports journalist, who works for Sky networks. What he presumes I could do there, I have no idea.
"No, Mats. I kind of have an offer already from IBG."
He snorts, without looking at me. "That's in Munich..." His hand rubs my knee slightly. "Oh, come on, ref! What an asshole!"
"I know it's in Munich," I continue, even though he is obviously not paying any attention to me. "Still, I'd be in charge of the outdoors department and-"
"It's five hours away!" he half-laughs.
"I know... but... I really want it. I think I'd be great for it."
He finally tears his eyes from the TV and looks at me. "Cee Cee please, can we talk about this another time?"
I sigh, looking down and scratching my forehead. There is never a good time. He comes closer, reaching for my chin with his hand. He pulls on it with his fingers, forcing me to look at him.
"I really can't think about this right now. We have the derby coming up, quarterfinals next. Do you know what's at stake for us? This is our season, baby, to prove ourselves. We have all of our eggs in this one basket and..." he trails off.
"I know, Mats, I know."
"Then why are you doing this? Just give me until the end of the season, baby, then we can talk."
"They won't hold the job for me until the summer. What am I supposed to do until then?"
His hand drops from my chin to my waist and he pulls me to his lap. "You don't need a job, baby, come on. Stay here with me, Cee Cee, please."
I push off of him with a hand on his chest, and he sighs when I stand up in front of him. "I've been following you for four years, Mats. Went to school in Dusseldorf instead of Berlin just so I could be close to you. Now it's time I do something for me... I need this."
"You want to move five hours away?" he howls, getting up from the couch as well. "That's what you need?!"
"I mean, it is unfortunate that the job is in Munich, yes, but it is a very exciting opportunity for me!"
He starts pacing, back and forth, in front of me. I can feel his anger getting the best of him. I don't know why I even brought it up.
"Don't get angry, please, just try to understand."
He turns to me and just one look in his eyes and I know I won't like what will come out of his mouth. "Honestly, Cee Cee, I don't understand why you're bringing this up right now. You know how much pressure I am in! Don't you know what this means for me... for us?!"
He races for the door before I can say anything. I follow him as he fumbles with his jacket, rummaging for something. "Where the hell are my keys?!"
"Did you check your pocket?"
He shoves his hand into the pocket of his pants, fishing out the keys with a groan. "I'll be back later," he says, barely glancing at me from the door. "I need some air," is the only explanation I get, and then he disappears, slamming the door behind him.
I've thought a lot about this. About us, where we are, and where our relationship is going. If Mats can't support me on this decision, what is there for me in his future? Am I always going to be, what, second, third in his life?
I want more. I deserve more.
An hour goes by, then two, until I finally hear his keys. I walk out to the living room and there he is, setting a box on the floor, soaking wet.
"What happened?"
He looks at me and a tentative smile appears on his face. He comes closer then, his shoes squishing on the floor, as he drips.
"I'm sorry I stormed out," he says, lowering himself to me, bringing my lips to his. "I brought you something."
I grab on his arm and notice he's trembling. "Mats, please get out of these clothes. You must be freezing."
He rolls his eyes at me dismissively and grabs my hand as he moves us back to the box he set on the floor. He crouches next to it and looks up at me with a smile.
He opens the box excitedly.
"Oh my God!"
In the box sits the most adorable, wrinkliest creature I have ever seen. With light brown and white fur, and a face so scrunchy that makes me want to hold it to my face.
"You got me a puppy?!" I'm on my knees, holding the pup, as it licks my face.
"I got us a puppy, Cee Cee, to live here, with both of us."
I realize then where he is going with this. This is his way of fixing things. "Mats..."
"Cee Cee, please..." He's on his knees, in front of me, and brings the puppy away from my face and back in the box. "I'm trying here..." His face is on my neck then, his nose behind my ear.
"You're not, though... How is a puppy going to change anything?"
"C'mon, don't do this..." He drops kisses behind my ear, trailing down my neck. His hand is on the other side of my neck too, working his way down.
"Mats..."
His lips silence me while his hands pull me to him by my hip as he lifts both of us up. My legs go around him instinctively, and my hands cup his face. He's cold and shivering.
"Mats," I break away from the kiss. "We need to get you out of these clothes."
"That's the plan, baby."
By the time he gets us on the bed, my shirt is lost somewhere behind us, and he is already half naked as well. He places his lips on my neck, while his hand makes its way down.
Mats' kisses are heavenly, or at least they used to be. He takes his time and he knows what I like, but tonight, his lips are not igniting me the way they used to… the way I'd like them to. There's just too much on my mind.
With his fingers inside of me, and his lips on my neck, I close my eyes and try to forget — try to enjoy this — but I can't, I am numb.
When I reach between us, and my fingers circle around him, he grunts in my ear. I align myself with him, position him right there, where I know he wants to be.
"Not yet..." he whispers, his voice controlled. I've got a good grip on him as I stroke and move him up and down my entrance.
His eyes find mine. He seems confused. He likes to wait for me, but I just know it's not happening for me tonight.
"I'm ready..." I say. "It's okay."
I push my hips forward, and he closes his eyes. I pull his face to mine and kiss him, biting his bottom lip like I know he likes. He groans as he sinks into me. The sound is low and needy, and I know that tonight, he won't last long inside of me.
I move with him, trying to get him going, but he's holding back. He's working my breasts, biting my neck... doing everything right, but I don't feel any of it.
"C'mon, Cee Cee, let go for me..." he whispers in my ear. His voice strained. He's close.
I push on his shoulder slightly, it's just a gesture of course — I couldn't muster the amount of strength necessary to lift Mats off of me. But he knows. He knows what I want.
He rolls us over his back so that I'm straddling him, on top of him. It takes me a second to breathe and adjust to him filling me this way. He barely fits inside of me as it is.
His hands clasp around my hips as he attempts to control my speed, or reign control of himself — I don't know — but a few rolls of my hips later, he's gasping for air, begging for me, falling apart at the seams.
I drop on his chest as he comes apart. His heart runs wild under my ear while I run my fingers absentmindedly over his arms, giving him what he needs to calm down.
After an hour or so, we break away from each other. We both shower, and while I return to bed, Mats is back in the living room, watching the game, as if nothing had happened.
~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~
Thank you so much for reading! We have some tough times ahead. Would love to know what you think so far! :) R.