Chapter 6.
I spend the next two hours packing my things, or at least trying to. I didn't think leaving would be easy, but looking at how much the apartment reflects our relationship, makes it that much harder. A huge chunk of my life is in this apartment, having lived here for over a year before moving to Dusseldorf for school. Even afterwards, I spent more time here than anywhere else.
After much debating, I buy a train ticket to Dusseldorf for the night, and pour my inadequate words on a letter to Mats. It's not ideal, but there really isn't much more to say. I need to do this. I am doing this. I hope in time he will understand.
Tears never stop falling from my eyes. and I make no attempt to hold them back, as I start picking up the mess of our unfinished dinner in the kitchen.
When my cell phone rings, I try my best at keeping my voice even. I hold my phone with my shoulder, while my hands are in the sink, finishing the dishes. "Hello?"
"Cecilia? Hi…" His voice is soft and a little unsure. It's unmistakably him, but he still clarifies. "It's Lukasz."
"Hey..." is my clipped response. I shouldn't have answered the phone in the first place. I somehow always fail at keeping my emotions at bay.
"Hey, um... I missed a call from Mats earlier and I'm trying to get back to him but he's not answering..." He's eerily calm, but his tone is hinged with a bit of worry. "Is he there?"
I silently urge myself over and over to keep it together — to get through this call as quickly as possible.
Lukasz has no idea what went on here. He doesn't have to know.
I bite my lips as I try not to cry.
"Cecilia?" The concern in his voice breaks me.
I can't do this. I can't explain. I can't lie to him. Not with the lump in my throat that makes it even harder to breath.
I decide to just hang up, and as I do, the knife I was rinsing slips from my fingers, slashing the palm of my hand open in the process.
"Shit!" The phone clanks as it falls on the floor while I rinse my hand with water. The gash seems deep, and it's bleeding profusely. I wrap a kitchen towel around it, keeping pressure on it, as I can see blood seeping through the fabric. "God!"
I sink on the floor, my breaths catching in my throat as I sob.
My phone starts ringing again but I don't answer, even as it goes off five more times.
I barely manage to calm down enough to replace the towel and call a cab. My head is swimming, but I try to focus on just getting myself in that cab and to the hospital.
I grab my purse and put the first shoes I find on. I fling the door open but halt mid-step as Lukasz is standing right in front of me.
"Cecilia, what's-" His hand is raised in front of him in a fist, as if he was about to knock. When his eyes fly to my hand, still wrapped in a bloody towel, he sets his arm around me, and holds my hand with his other hand.
Relief washes through me for not having to do this alone, and my body just acts on its own from then on. My head rests on his shoulder and my eyes close.
He holds me tighter, taking some of my weight in his arms, and he doesn't speak as he steers me to his car, only a soft shush in my ear.
He helps me into the car, clasping the seatbelt over me. Pretty soon, we're off to the hospital and he remains seemingly focused on the road as we go. He does not say a word as he drives, leaving me to my own tears.
When we arrive, everything happens in a blur. I'm being rushed here and there, given some pills to swallow and then suddenly I'm on a hospital bed with someone stitching my numb hand.
I don't realize I'm holding Lukasz' hand, until I see our fingers intertwined. My knuckles white with the force I'm using to hold on to him too tightly. My eyes find his and he smiles shyly at me. It's a friendly smile, but I can see it in his eyes, he's uncomfortable.
I release the death grip on his hand and he exhales, taking a step back.
The resident finishes my hand and says he'll give me a little time, to make sure I'm not faint anymore, so they can let me go.
When he leaves, my eyes find Lukasz, who has now put the biggest distance the room allows between us. He leans against the wall, one hand on his hip. He looks exhausted.
It's only then I realize he has played a game today, and yet he's here, taking care of me at this late hour in the night.
"Hey, um... Mats will be here any second," I lie. "He was out with... um... his brother. But he's on his way now. It's okay, you should go." I can still feel the tears prick the corner of my eyes.
"Are you sure you're okay?" He seems uncertain, like he doesn't know what to do. It's obvious he needs to go.
I try nodding, but I'm failing once again at keeping my tears away.
"Why are you still crying?" He comes closer, one hand on my cheek as his thumb wipes away my tears. "Are you in pain? Should I call the nurse?"
I shake my head, wiping some tears myself, sitting up on the table.
"I'll stay until Mats gets here, okay? Don't worry," he says sweetly.
I push with a hand on his chest. "You should go. It's fine. I'm fine."
His hand surrounds mine over his chest. I can feel his heart beating faster inside of him, and when my eyes find his, he is staring right at me.
"He's not coming, is he?"
I can only manage to shake my head at him, trying so hard not to break down. But it's too much. Everything that's happened today is.
His expression changes then, to one of anger, as he lets go of my hand and reaches for his phone.
I realize then what this must look like to him.
He really has no idea about any of this. For all I know, he's probably thinking that Mats knows I'm hurt and chooses not to come.
Oh God…
"Lukasz, no." I'm off the table, reaching for his hand, peeling the cell phone from his ear, tears now freely falling down my face.
He eyes me warily as he presses the end call button. "Cecilia, what's going on?"
"He doesn't know I'm here."
"Why not?" His eyebrows furrow, puzzled by my statement.
"I... I took the job in Munich. We broke up." My voice is barely a whisper under Lukasz's stare. His eyes search mine, finally connecting the dots of what went on tonight.
Silence surrounds us for a couple seconds until his cell phone starts ringing and we both look at the screen.
It's Mats.
Shit.
Lukasz takes a deep breath in front of me, staring at Mats' name flashing on the screen of his cell phone ringing in one hand. He scratches his neck nervously, until he finally answers it.
"Hey..." He walks a little ways from my side. "Yeah... are you okay?" His eyes move to me briefly, as he listens. "Okay... All right."
He hangs up and I stare at him. "He's... um... okay, I guess. Still out drinking."
"By himself?" Worry seeps through me. Mats out drinking by himself after what happened earlier would not be the best thing right now, for any of us.
"I don't know, Cecilia." Lukasz looks down, rubbing his forehead.
"I'm sorry..." I touch my fingers to his arm, and he peeks up at me. I hate that I've put him through this. Mats is his friend, one of his best friends. And he's here trying to deal with his friend's ex, like it is somehow his responsibility to run to my rescue and pick up my pieces. He is clearly exhausted, fed up, possibly sore and/or in pain. I need to give him an out. "I... I'll take a cab to the train station, okay? You've done so much for me already. Thank you."
"Train station?" His eyebrows shoot up in surprise, as if it's the most inconceivable thing he's ever heard. "You... you're leaving?"
"What else am I going to do, Lukasz? I missed my train, but hopefully I can get another one tonight or tomorrow morning."
"I'm not going to let you spend the night at the train station." His words are final — he does not give any room for discussion.
"I can't... I can't stay with Mats." My eyes start filling with tears again.
God, what a mess.
Lukasz hesitates in front of me, his eyes shifting from me to behind my shoulder, as he's deep in thought. I catch his hand, rubbing on his hip, as he takes a deep breath before speaking. "I'll drive you."
"Absolutely not, you've done enough, Lukasz." My voice is not as severe as his, and he's about to refute me but he doesn't get the chance when the resident comes back inside with release forms for me to sign.
After I've signed and the doctor is gone, Lukasz moves closer to me again. "Please, let me drive you." His eyes bore in to mine and I can't imagine managing to say no to him. So I just nod in response, and with much effort, break his gaze to gather myself and my things to go.
We drive to Mats' place to get my stuff, and Wrinkles. Lukasz waits in the car as I go upstairs, get my bag, and come back down.
I'm holding the puppy in my arms once I'm down again, Lukasz gets out of the car and opens the trunk for me, taking my bag from my shoulder as well. He eyes the puppy, one eyebrow raised.
"Don't ask..." I say through a soft giggle.
Lukasz smiles, running his fingers softly over the dog's head.
"Wrinkles, Lukasz. Lukasz, this is Wrinkles," I introduce.
"Wrinkles? That's fitting." He smiles again, shaking his head while I chuckle.
"Cee Cee, what the fuck?!"
Caught up in the moment, we did not hear the vehicle pull up, and when Lukasz and I both turn, Mats is already stumbling out of a cab across from us. In a couple strides he's right in front of me, pulling Wrinkles' travel bag from my hand. "Dammit, Cee Cee, wait a second... let's talk this through."
He drops the bag on the street, frantically heading for the trunk, stumbling into Lukasz who stands there paralyzed.
Mats gets my suitcase from the trunk and walks back to me, grabbing my arm. "You're not leaving tonight."
"Mats, stop... please," I cry, holding Wrinkles to my chest.
Within seconds, Mats' hands are no longer on me, and I am left staring at Lukasz's back. He has a hand outstretched away from him and braced on Mats' chest. The strain of the muscles in his back and shoulders is evident under his shirt, as his hands bar Mats from taking another step.
"Mats, don't do this." Lukasz's tone is sharp in anger. He reaches his other hand behind him, keeping a connection with my arm. "You're drunk and not thinking straight. She wants to go. You need to let her."
I peek around Lukasz to see that beneath his palm, Mats' chest expands heavily with the force of his harsh breaths. When Mats' eyes finally meet mine, they seem apologetic. He takes one step back, lowering his head, and Lukasz relaxes in front of me.
Letting go of my arm, Lukasz takes my bag back into the trunk. He moves closer to Mats then, gripping his elbow. "Let's get you upstairs."
Lukasz's eyes glance at me briefly, pinning me into place. "Stay here," he orders, and then they're both gone.
~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~
I sit in the car, Wrinkles asleep on my lap. Lukasz drives in silence through the dark roads, shifting frequently in his seat. I try to get him to let me drive for a bit, to see if it would help anything, but he politely declines, every single time.
I lose myself in thought, staring at the trees flying by through the window. Thankfully, the 2h drive goes by in a flash.
It's raining in Dusseldorf when we pull up to my place. With a hand on the door handle, I turn to him.
His face is controlled, serious but calmed. His eyes though, they scream a million things at me.
"Um... thank you for driving me, Lukasz," I say softly. All I get from him is a fifth of a smile and a nod. "Well... not just driving but everything."
His hands grip the steering wheel tightly as he continues to try to smile to me. When he turns his head from me, I can see a wince set on his features as he quickly gets out of the car.
I follow his lead, trying to cover Wrinkles from the rain with my jacket. Lukasz already has my bag out when I reach the trunk of the car.
I grab the bag from him, unable to say goodbye just yet, even under the rush of the pelting rain. "Are you sure you don't want to come in for a bit... you know, stretch your legs... maybe have some coffee for the way back?"
"I'm okay, Cecilia," he says, shutting the trunk. "I should get going. It's already very late."
"Okay... well... um... goodbye." My arms reach for him awkwardly. A weight settles on my stomach, not knowing if or when I will see him again. I guess it never occurred to me that I wouldn't be just breaking up with Mats, but with the whole team, the whole family.
They're his friends. This is his life. If he doesn't want me in it after this, then that's it.
I hug myself tighter to Lukasz at the realization, my eyes filling with tears. And even though his arms don't hug me back, his body bends with mine, enveloping me in his warmth. His head tilts into my neck and I can feel his breath, coming through his nose, on my skin.
It's almost too much.
I let go of him, stumbling back. "Please, be careful on your way back," I let out, before I turn around and rush into my building without looking back.
The door of the building clicks behind me as I halt, once out of the rain.
I'm not even sure why I'm panting, but I need a minute to catch my breath. I set my bag and Wrinkles on the floor and rest with my back against the door, waiting a few seconds for my heart to slow down so I can head upstairs.
My heart jumps in my chest as the knock on the door behind me startles me. I turn to find Lukasz, standing on the other side of the glass door, looking down and drenched in rain.
As I fling the door open he shoots me a glance, his eyes beyond blue.
"What's wrong?"
He moves forward, as if to come inside, but his hands grab onto each side of the door frame, either helping him upright or restricting his access. He looks down again, kicking one of the steps.
When his eyes meet mine, my stomach flutters. I've always had a soft spot for his eyes. They often convey so much he doesn't say. "I just need to say one thing."
"Okay, but please come in... you're getting soaked!" I reach for his hand on the doorframe but he pulls back, both hands reaching for the back of his head.
He is shaking his head, his eyes full of anguish, a little scrunch deepening between his eyebrows.
"What is it?" I step out and he takes another step back. "Lukasz?"
"Nothing..." he finally says, breathing out harshly. "I... just..." He closes the distance between us and his lips meet my forehead while his hands hold my face. "Just take care of yourself out there, okay?" Then he's gone.
My mouth falls open and a pressure bundles in my chest as I stare at his back while he jogs to the car. I'm pretty much stunned into place as the last few seconds run through my mind over and over again. His fingers on my cheek, lips at my temple, a burning message on the tip of his tongue, that for some reason he refuses to tell.
I can't let him walk away without giving him another chance to speak his mind.
"Lukasz," I call, even though he's already opening the door of his car.
The rain pelts on me as I walk out but he doesn't turn to look at me. "Is that really what you wanted to say?"
His hand grips the edge of the car door tighter. I see his shoulder move with a shuddering breath, before letting go and finally turning to face me. He still looks down as he takes a deep breath. "Yes," he says, finally looking up. His eyes say otherwise. "Just..." he stalls.
Against my better judgment, and without my permission, my body edges closer, coming between him and the door. "What?"
"Just don't disappear."
"I won't," I say wholeheartedly.
He breathes in relief, a small smile tugging at his lips. "Okay... now get inside, please. I don't want you to get sick, and I really need to go."
I hug him again, my arms around his waist. This time, his hand runs over my hair as I bury my face in his chest.
"Please..." he whispers into my hair. I can feel his hand fisting the back of my shirt, but then, with a soft groan, he drops it at his side.
I look up at him, wishing I knew what he was asking or why is saying goodbye to him so hard. Would it be too much if I asked him to stay with me? He looks completely shattered and the thought of him having to drive back by himself at this hour eats at my conscience.
However, the struggle in his eyes begs me not to ask him to stay, so I don't. Instead, I hold myself to him for an extra second and then force my arms to let go.
I can't keep the tears much longer, especially under his gaze. So with a shaky smile and a little wave, I turn around and dart through the rain back into the building, without another look back.
~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~