Conrad
I flew back to California a week after I saw Laur because school started late for me. On the plane, all the things that went wrong replayed in my head.
I was studying for my exams when Nona, the nurse taking care of my mom, called me.
"Conrad?," the cigarettes made her voice hoarse.
"How's mom?"
"She's..uh well not feeling as well as she's putting up. I thought I should let you know cause you know...you tend to check up on her a lot. She hasn't been telling you he whole truth."
How could this be happening to me again?
"What do you mean?"
"Well, she hasn't been able to keep food down and she's been getting weaker."
I didn't know how to answer so I kept my mouth shut.
"Conrad, it's only been like this a few days. Maybe I'm seeing too much into it. She's calling me right now. I'll call you soon and keep you updated by how she's feeling. I'm sorry to worry you."
And just like that, she hung up. I sat on my desk staring at my phone wondering if this was all real. I know better not to doubt what Nona says. If my mom's enduring what she did before, I don't know how I'm going to pull myself out of this one.
Then my phone rang again. Belly. I wasn't in the mood to talk, but I didn't want her to think anything was wrong.
After answering and declining going to her prom, I couldn't help but want to shove whoever that guys face into a wall. No way he was going to take my Belly to prom. I called her back and when it went straight to voicemail, I told her I wanted to go with her. I needed a distraction from what was going on with my mom.
Nona just had a thing for ruining my mood for major things. I was about to leave to go to the Conklin's house when she called me and told me she was going to get my mom to go to the doctors to get checked again. Way to kill the wow-I'm-going-to-prom-with-the-girl-I-love mood. I got in my car and just sat there hoping this wasn't reality.
That whole night had been a daze. I forgot to match my tie with her dress, I forgot her corsage, and I almost didn't get to her house the time she wanted me to. I just didn't want to do anything.I wanted to leave and explain to her what happened and why I was being an asshole, but she wouldn't let me get the words out. I said the wrong things. I made it seem like I didn't love her and that I didn't want to be there for her to make her happy at a huge night. I did. God knows so. I don't know why I didn't go after her. I don't know why I didn't even try to explain further. I don't know why I let her slip through my fingers. I just don't know. But if I did, I would have done everything right. I would have ran up to her and stood out there in the rain and told her everything. But what could have happened didn't matter. It didn't count because nothing good came out of it. What mattered was that I was a coward. Cowardly enough that I walked away.
I went to my apartment after reminiscing about that night on the plane and wanted to start my plan to get her back. I sat down on my desk and wrote down my very first letter to Belly. I put it in the envelope and wrote down the address Laurel gave me before I left for college. Suddenly, I remembered what I had told her at her almost wedding with my brother. I told her I would move away and give her and my brother space. Even though it never pulled through, I'm almost positive that what I said to her still applies. I mean, she just got to Spain less than two weeks ago. She probably left here to leave all that happened between our families. I would be pushing it if i sent it but i have to send it to her. I guess when I start to go insane from missing her I'll send it. For now I'll put it aside. With Junior Mint.
A few months later
I'm shaking as I'm at the postal office. Not from the anxiety of how she'll feel but of missing her. I guess that's when I'm sure it's time to send it.