Cas woke up before Dean. He stared at Dean's sleeping face and grabbed every little detail he could to stick in his mind so he wouldn't forget it. Dean looked at peace with his jaw slack and lashes sitting on his cheeks. Cas could see all the little blue veins on Dean's eyelids and smiled. Dean was perfect in every way whether he believed so or not and Cas loved him, he really did, but he was on the verge of going insane. He couldn't take the random kisses or the cuddling in bed as much as he loved it. It was hurting him. He didn't understand what Dean was doing. Did he feel the same about Cas or did he just feel bad for him? Could he be using Cas just for experimenting? Cas couldn't take the not knowing, especially feeling as strongly as he did. He just didn't know how to go about asking.
Cas sighed and lightly brushed a hand across Dean's cheek. It was soft and warm and sent little electrifying zaps through his fingertips. Dean's face twitched and Cas quickly pulled his hand back and Dean's eyes opened in drowsy slits. When he saw Cas his mouth pulled up into a dazzling smile that showed off his straight white teeth. The butterflies in Cas's stomach went nuts at this. "Hey, Cas," he greeted in a husky tired voice that made Cas's insides go crazy. "Hey, Dean," he breathed back with a smile. "God, Cas, you have no idea how happy I am that you're okay," Dean told him in that same low voice that made Cas want to melt. "If it weren't for you I wouldn't be," Cas reminded him. Dean's smile turned into a tight frown. "If it weren't for me you wouldn't have gotten mixed up in that in the first place," Dean mumbled. Cas shook his head. "Don't blame yourself, Dean. It was no one's fault. Sometimes things just happen and we have to accept them for what they are," Cas spoke softly. Dean gave a weak smile but didn't speak.
After a few moments of silence Cas found the courage he needed in Dean's eyes. "Dean..." He started shakily. He sighed and averted his eyes. "What are we?" He asked with a shaky breath. His eyes remained glued to his hands as he awaited his answer. "We're friends, Cas. What do you mean?" Dean asked sounding genuinely confused which both hurt and angered Cas. How could Dean be so blind? How could he pretend like kissing Cas and cuddling in bed with him was a normal thing? That is was no big deal? "No, Dean, we aren't," Cas shut his eyes tightly and shook his head. Every piece of his conscious was screaming at him not to, that he would lose Dean if he did this and he needed to stop. He didn't, though. He was tired of sitting back and just letting things happen without bothering to question them. "What d'you mean we're not friends?" Dean chuckled out nervously. "Cas, I just spent two whole days on a hospital chair without eating or sleeping waiting for you to wake up and you want to tell me that we aren't friends?" Dean demanded seriously now. He sat up and stared at Cas incredulously. Cas sat up too.
"No, Dean, you don't understand. Friends don't do this," Cas gestured exasperatedly to the bed around them. "They don't cuddle in bed while they sleep. They don't hold the other's hand while they're unconscious. They don't give pecks on the forehead or kiss in front of the whole school!" Cas told him desperately. Dean just stared at him with wide eyes. Cas's stomach was knotted with nerves. When Dean failed to speak Cas sighed and shook his head. He turned his desperate blue eyes onto Dean. "All I know, Dean, is that I love you and I can't keep going on pretending like this isn't happening," Cas told him mentally begging him to say the same, begging for him to tell him that he loved him so they could lay back down and enjoy having each other near. Cas knew that wasn't possible, though. Nothing in his life went in the direction he wanted it and he could live with that. He accepted that, he didn't mind, but he couldn't ignore if Dean walked out, he couldn't accept that. Dean looked at the wall across from the foot of the bed and shook his head. "I have to go," he said and stood up.
"Dean," Cas begged, but he didn't look back. He just walked from the bedroom. Cas followed him like a lost puppy. "Dean, please," Cas begged when they reached the door. "Cas, look, I'm sorry," Dean sighed and swung the door open and walked out. Cas stood in the doorway and could feel all his systems shutting down. "Dean," he called. Dean stopped and looked at him. Cas could just make out his face in the light of sunrise. He hadn't realized how early it was. "Look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me," Cas could hear the desperation in his own voice and felt pathetic, but he just wouldn't let himself believe that Dean didn't feel something. After everything that happened he had to feel something. They locked eyes and Dean looked completely distraught. "I don't..." Dean's voice cracked on 'don't' and he shook his head before turning around and walking away.
A wave of dizziness crashed over Cas. He's been standing for too long. He shut the front door and leaned his back on it. He slid down and black dots began to take over his vision. He waited for the darkness to take over him not really caring. The last thing he heard was his conscious say a taunting "I told you so."