Chapter 5: Tripping

"The fool on the hill sees the sun going down, and the eyes in his head see the world spinning round."

Ms. Frizzle, Moze, and Cookie were sitting in Principal Wright's office. Ned was also in the office, but he was in no condition to sit down. At present he was lying on the tile, swatting at what he claimed were 'giant purple wasps'. There were no wasps in the office, purple or otherwise. He jumped up suddenly, wobbled for a bit and headed over to the nearest bookshelf, which he then tried to scale.

Ms. Frizzle walked over to him and pulled him back to her chair by the collar of his shirt. She pulled him into her old chair and once he was down she held him down by his shoulders. Principal Wright opened the door quickly and swiftly closed it behind him, like the room was holding in a dirty secret. He walked around behind his desk and sat down in his chair. He gave the people in front of him a thorough look. Moze and Cookie were trying very hard not to look guilty and staring very hard at the desk in front of them. Ms. Frizzle had a very stoic expression on. Ned looked as if he were worlds away, doing something rather more fun.

Alastair took a deep breath. "Explain to me what happened." he ordered the people in front of him.

Moze's mouth moved around, like it was trying to decide on which ever explanation would be less damning. Finally, she decided: "Well, what happened was..."

Bright and early that morning, Moze was at her locker taking the time she had before first hour started to clean some out some of the trash that had settled on the bottom of her locker. She was holding a pudding cup wondering when the last time she'd even had junk food. Not since Ned had discovered the joy of cooking, that was for sure. That was when she saw Ned coming down the hall toward her. Then he started walking backwards. Then he scuttled to the side. Then forward again.

Moze closed her locker and started toward him to see what was going on. As he fell against the lockers and slid to the floor, she broke into a full run.

"Ned!" she cried as she knelt down next to him. "Are you okay?"

He looked up at her through half lidded eyes. "Hey, Moze." he said to her.

"Um, hi." she said, confused. "Did you hurt yourself?"

He didn't appear to have heard her, he just stared into her face. He looked like a man who was seeing the night sky for the first time.

"Ned?" she asked.

"You're pretty." he said.

"Ned, focus!" she said, giving him a shake. In response, he reached up and stroked her cheek.

"So pretty..." he said. Moze was temporarily stunned by the chill that corkscrewed down her spine and did funny things to her stomach.

"What's going on?" asked Cookie, who just appeared beside them.

"Uh..." Moze said.

"Moze is pretty." Ned informed Cookie.

"No!" she yelled. "What he meant was...um...he didn't...okay, I got nothing."

Ned heaved himself up from the floor and stumbled toward his locker. He tried to punch his combination into an invisible key-pad.

"That kid is drunk." said Cookie.

Cookie and Moze hauled Ned into Mr. Sweeney's empty classroom by his feet, his body dragging behind them.

"How did he get drunk?" Moze asked.

"Alcohol." Cookie answered curtly.

"No," said Moze indignantly, "Ned wouldn't do that."

"It's always hard to accept when someone you know has a problem." said Cookie sagely.

"Ned doesn't have a problem." Moze said. As she said this, Ned opened the storage cabinet and rummaged around, asking who drank all the milk.

"Well, he has a problem right now!" Moze relented. "But he's never been like this before, and it might never happen again. We don't even know what's causing this. It doesn't have to be alcohol it might be..."

"Why are there gophers in the ceiling?" Ned asked.

"It might be acid." Cookie joked.

"This isn't funny!" Moze remonstrated. "It might be when it happens to someone else, but this is Ned! Look, you make sure he doesn't...do anything and I'll go get help."

"If the teacher's find out he's been drinking, then he'll be expelled." warned Cookie.

"Right." said Moze. "I'll think of something." she left the room and headed to Room #102.

Most of Ms. Frizzle's class had already arrived. Groups of students were sitting around chatting, waiting for class to start. Ms. Frizzle was at her touch screen wall, typing something in. Moze walked up to her slowly. She was running through what she was going to ask Ms. Frizzle without giving away the fact that Ned was inebriated in the next room. She was finally next to Ms. Frizzle, still clueless as to how this was going to work.

"Good morning, Jennifer." Ms. Frizzle greeted her cheerfully. "What can I do for you?"

"I need advice." Moze said.

"What on?" asked Ms. Frizzle.

"Um..." oh, what the heck. "What do I do if I have a friend who's drunk?"

Ms. Frizzle turned away from the screen and gave Moze a somber expression.

"Jennifer," she said gently, "They made every decision that got them to where they were, and they are the only ones who can decide to get better. When they want to resolve the issues behind their addiction and fight against it then you can offer them your help. Until then, do not get attached to a sinking ship. There are resources for people struggling with Alcoholism. AA has a local chapter that..."

"No," Moze stopped her. "I mean, what do I do if I have a friend who's drunk right now."

"Oh," said Ms. Frizzle, switching gears. She started rattling off tips. "Well, while they're awake make sure to keep them hydrated. Gatorade works wonders. If they pass out lay them on their side so they don't drown. Hide their car keys before you do anything else. Find a large mallard and..." she stopped cold and glared at Moze.

"Whadaya mean 'Drunk Right Now'?" Ms. Frizzle asked forcibly. Then there was an explosion coming from Mr. Sweeney's room.

Ms. Frizzle flew down the hall. Her dress flew out behind her like a pink, plaid jet stream. Moze was fast on her tail. Seriously, you leave Ned alone for five minutes in a room full of volatile chemicals and...yeah, she should have seen this coming.

As she came around the door and saw the room was covered in a fine layer of ash. Ms. Frizzle was standing in the middle of the room staring up at the ceiling. Moze followed her gaze and saw Cookie plastered on the ceiling. Ms. Frizzle held out both her arms in time to catch him as he fell back to Earth.

"Simon," she said patiently as his head rose to meet her gaze. "What happened?" When Cookie did manage to speak it was halting.

"Ned was..." Cookie started. "he thought that the...and there was a tiger squirrel...they got into the Bunsen burners."

Gordy ran into the room with Vice Principal Crubbs behind him.

"You are to take this," Ms. Frizzle handed Cookie over to Gordy, "to Nurse Hunsucker. After that, search every crack and cranny for Ned. Vice Principal, we need an all points bulletin on Ned Bigby."

"Gotcha, Frizz." said Crubbs. "Crubbs, out!" and he left to patrol the halls.

"Moze," said Ms. Frizzle, "you and I are going to scour this building and find Ned before another classroom goes up in smoke."

Half an hour into the search, Ned was still the hide and seek champion. Moze had checked all of his usual hangouts, all of his unusual hangouts, and a few of the places he wouldn't be caught dead. Gordy was patrolling the air ducts. Ms. Frizzle and Crubbs were keeping vigil in the hallways. For her part, the weasel was checking behind all the filing cabinets for him.

"This doesn't entirely make sense." Ms. Frizzle said to Crubbs as they passed out side of Mr. Sweeney's ruined classroom. "Ned doesn't strike me as the kind of person to come to school soused."

"Same here," said Crubbs. "Ned may get up to trouble, but this is way past his limit."

"His limit isn't what it used to be." said Mr. Sweeney, coming out of his classroom with a charred model of a cell under one arm. "He's been applying himself in class more. He hasn't been sleeping. His grades are improving. Him getting drunk is less likely than ever before."

"Crubbs," said Ms. Frizzle, "Contact Ned's mother. Find out if anything happened to him this morning."

Moze ran into the Gym. It was the only place she hadn't searched and there was no where to hide. Just as she stepped in, Coach Dirga stepped out of the locker rooms, sopping wet.

"Mosely!" she screamed. "What the duck is Bigby doing?"

"He's here?" Moze asked.

"Yeah, he's here!" Dirga confirmed. "And he's doing something cacamamie with the showers. He's..." but before she could describe it, a small tidal wave blasted out of the locker rooms and hit Coach Dirga and Moze.

Moze found herself tumbling around in the torrent. She desperately tried to swim to the surface with no clear idea where 'up' even was. Eventually, she felt the ground underneath her and the water subsided, depositing he face up on the floor of the hallway. The wave had carried her clear across the school and she was outside the Administration Office. Water continued to flow down the hall, carrying Ned with it. Ms. Frizzle stepped out of the office and stood directly in the water's path. Ned's body stopped at her feet.

"Oh, hi" he said wistfully. "Can you tell me the way to the beach?"

"...and then Ms. Frizzle brought us in here." finished Moze.

Principal Wright took a moment to let this story marinate.

"So," he started. "you have no idea why Mr. Bigby is..." he gestured to Ned vaguely.

"We never figured that out." said Cookie. The shock had worn off, and a few wet wipes and a change of clothes had taken care of the ash.

"I did." said Crubbs, walking into the office. "When I called Ned's mother she said he was fine this morning. She made him a smoothie for breakfast and sent him on his way here. She made it from concentrate. She didn't know it had apricots in the mix."

"Oh," said Moze, realization dawned on her. "He's allergic to apricots. The first time he had them was when he was six. He spent the next four hours screaming about pink elephants that wanted to eat him."

"So," piped in Ms. Frizzle, "he didn't break any school rules by getting wasted on apricots."

"Right." said Cookie.

"And he isn't responsible for what happened while he was impaired." said Ms. Frizzle.

"Right." said Moze.

"And the school wouldn't take disciplinary action against him, knowing he wasn't responsible." said Ms. Frizzle.

"Right." said Moze and Cookie together.

"So you two should have told somebody when you knew something was wrong with him." Ms. Frizzle finished.

"Right." they both said again, sinking into their chairs.

"We could have avoided both a fire and a flood if you two had told us." said Alastair. "Even if Bigby had done something wrong, we would have helped him. We don't cut off people's heads the first chance we get. Our job as a school is to make sure our students are safe and healthy. You can come to us with any concern."

"Yes, sir." said Moze, feeling dumber by the second.

"The school has insurance against water damage." Alastair continued. "They will pay for a specialty service to come in and repair the gym floor, no questions asked. Gordy has already set up the dehumidifiers in the hallway. The great puddle of '07 will be cleared up by this afternoon. However, cleaning up Mr. Sweeney's classroom will be your punishment." he said to Moze and Cookie.

"Yes, sir." they said together.

"You look cute when you're guilty." said Ned.

Ned and Moze were in Ned's kitchen. He was serving chicken pot pie.

"It was nice of you and Loomer to help us clean up Mr. Sweeney's room." said Moze.

"It would have been nicer of me not to blow it up." said Ned.

"It wasn't your fault." Moze placated.

"The worst part is, I didn't even have the fun of trying to blow it up intentionally." Ned lamented.

"The year's not over yet." Moze said.

"I can't believe I came to school tripping." said Ned. He gave her a furtive look. "I, uh...I didn't do anything too embarrassing, did I?" he asked.

Moze was temporarily taken back to when he had her face cradled in his hand.

"Nope." she said, and dug into the pie.